Last night, an acquaintance of mine was DJ at a pretty nice club in Santa Barbara.
Against my better judgment, I decided to drop by. I prepared perfectly, I ate a big bowl of vermicelli and took a nap. I even called one of my "friend' creatures and invited him join me in a "wing man" capacitance.
He declined. He has a girlfriend, and as an intelligent person, has absolutely no reason to go to a club.
So I jumped in my car and headed over, on the way a squirrel ran in front of my car.
"Great! I'll just hit this squirrel and swerve in to the divider and die and then I won't actually have to go to the club."
No such luck, the squirrel was just a leaf. Oh well... next time...
So I got there at about ten o'clock, and that's apparently very early, because I am the only person there. Okay... what do people do at these things again... hmm.. Oh yeah! They drink!
So I have to buy a drink which brings us to reason #1 to hate clubs.
A fucking drink costs $12.00. Yes, I know that it's a very exotic "asian pear drink" but that's stupid. Only an idiot or a millionaire would pay $12.00 for a drink. I bought three.
It occurs to me that if every one on the world was like me, then the clubs would all go out of business. Then all of the club-happy neanderthals wouldn't have any where to go... except there wouldn't be any club-happy neanderthals because every one in the world would be like me and I am too smart. The world would also be much better looking and more impressive in general.
So I buy my disgustingly overpriced "asian pear drink" and drink it. It tastes like a hawaiin punch. Okay, a couple people are starting to trickle on. There is an awkward dawdling 45 year old balding fat man wandering around very slowly. He's not getting laid tonight. He is my spirit guide.
Of course, after I finish that drink I am still not having fun. Shit, my DJ acquaintance hasn't even gotten here and I am already ready to leave. Fuck, I have to think of something fast...
So I buy a drink... -$12.00
Okay, now I have a drink in my hand. That makes me cool right? I might be even buy you a drink. I have money to buy things, it's all very impressive.
Okay, so I am just kind standing at the bar with my drink, looking awesome. When these two young ladies sidle up next to me.
Well okay, they weren't 'that' young. I think they were about 30 years old a piece, and I have to say they were quite fetching indeed.
So I catch their eye, and wave to them like an idiot. But to my surprise, they actually seem pretty excited about it. One of them pulls up her skirt and shows me the lingerie she is wearing under. Hmm... The other one puts her hand on my shoulder.
HOLY SHIT I AM GETTING COUGAR POUNCED THIS IS AWESOME!
Okay... don't blow this Charles. We just gotta play our cards right, this is already actually happening. So then we start talking, which brings me to the #2 reason that I hate clubs.
It's too fucking loud! This is the thing that pisses me off the most about these places. Ostensibly, you are to meet people there, but you can't actually talk to them or get to know them. It is actually impossible to make a real connection. No, instead, you are expected to wildly gesticulate towards your genitalia until you find someone with low enough standards or self-esteem to jump on your dick. If it doesn't work, hey, at least you're drunk, right?
The brunette cougar asks me " what do you do." I tell her " I do tech support."
"You do taxidermy! We're taxidermists too!"
...
No, "I DO TECH SUPPORT" I scream. But the dull monotonous tone of Lady Gaga drowns it out.
Okay, so constructive conversation is impossible. But of course, a club isn't a place where you meet people or talk to them. It's a place where you find a strange woman to take to the dance floor, and then grind your denim jeans against her raw skin, and grind your underwear against your denim jeans and grind your erect penis against your underwear.
It's a complicated mating ritual guaranteed to leave all involved confused and frustrated. Still, I am not completely closed minded. So I was pretty excited when the brunette cougar looked at me with wide sparkling eyes and yelped "Are you a good dancer!?!?"
Rather than try the surefire method and tell her "I used to backup dance for Timberlake" I attempt a more subtle (and honest) approach.
"No! I am a terrible dancer, but I will dance with you any way!" I then showed her my trademark dance, which I call "The Carlton"
Well, she gave me the look of a wounded elk, and limped off with her cougar friend, evidently my response was less than adequate.
Still, undaunted, I decide to press on! Since I know no one and am terrified of women, I now have no recourse but to mill around randomly waiting to sober up so I can drive home.
As I am walking around some gentlemen decide to waylay me. Without even realizing how it happened, I am quickly encircled by bros. I get a brief ego boost when I realize I am significantly taller than any one of them.
This brings me to the #3 reason that I hate clubs.
Fucking assholes. These guys start asking me to "whistle" and putting their hands up to their mouths like they are smoking weed.
I am still a little drunk, and I really have no idea what they're talking about, so I tell them "I don't know what you mean..." This repeats for a minute, with them yelliing wildly and excitedly...
And after about two minutes of this exercise they decide that I should "get the fuck out of there."
So I kind lower down on to my haunches, and gut check one of the guys with my elbow. Which of course, really gets every body upset, and before long we are all yelling and giving each other the finger. Amazingly, a fight doesn't break out, and the bouncers don't notice any way. All the same, I decide to leave.
So I spent a lot of money, didn't meet any one, damaged by constitution with alcohol and then almost got in to a fight.
Well basically I agree with you 100%, except: YOU DO NOT DO THE CARLTON DANCE UNLESS YOU ARE ALONE AT HOME IN FRONT OF YOUR MIRROR. Man. Two cougars. Curse you.
I like clubs because I like dancing :D but yeah, clubs can either be a pleasant or terrible experience. Drinking beforehand, going with friends, and going fashionably late (midnight or later) helps.
Everything would have gone better if you had just brought the cougars to the dance floor and started grinding on them. They can't see how bad your dancing is when it's going on behind them...
I know I am young and impressionable, but clubs can be quite fun if you drink a lot beforehand and go with a bunch of friends. That said, bars are a lot better for meeting people
Very colourful writing. Thanks, you are a great writer and I can relate to your feelings. And it's always nice to learn new vocabulary like cougar pouncing.
I hate clubs for the same reason like you, although it can be fun if you arrive already drunk and with your friends.
You really need to stop overthinking this so much. Clubs aren't really a place to meet new people either, like you said it's too loud and you can't really hold a conversation. Just either drink beforehand, or buy some drinks, DANCE (this is key, it really is fun I promise, you don't even have to do anything special, just MOVE) and have a good time.
There is a painful level of dorky-ness in this even for an internet starcraft forum.
This is how I feel about it.
edit: I guess it helps if you like the music too, I only go to clubs when my favorite DJs/producers are playing, so that helps a lot. Electronic music owns so hard.
On December 11 2010 04:08 SpicyCrab wrote:As I am walking around some gentlemen decide to waylay me. Without even realizing how it happened, I am quickly encircled by bros.
1. Who drives to a club? 2. You don't have to be single to enjoy dancing. 3. You don't have to be single to enjoy drinking in a social environment. 4. What kind of guy buys an asian pear drink? A simple beer would have cost less and had more effect. 5. I'm fairly certain that none of the encounters with females that you described actually happened. 6. The strange, animalistic, "mating ritual" you describe is actually pretty simple. Even morons have been successful at it for millions of years. You somehow managed to fail in one of the most accessible places.
Rofl that was such a true story. I know this happens sometimes, but hey there are good times too. I'm sure you already know, but bring friends and pre-game next time.
A fucking drink costs $12.00. Yes, I know that it's a very exotic "asian pear drink" but that's stupid. Only an idiot or a millionaire would pay $12.00 for a drink. I bought three.
$12 isnt that expensive for a drink out in a club or a bar (sure its way more expensive then making it at home) but thats reality. $12 for a drink is actually pretty cheap where i live
A fucking drink costs $12.00. Yes, I know that it's a very exotic "asian pear drink" but that's stupid. Only an idiot or a millionaire would pay $12.00 for a drink. I bought three.
$12 isnt that expensive for a drink out in a club or a bar (sure its way more expensive then making it at home) but thats reality. $12 for a drink is actually pretty cheap where i live
What kind of drinks are you buying? A beer shouldn't cost more than $5 and some girly fruit drink shouldn't be more than $10.
If $12 is cheap (not even average) then you sir are balling it up indeed.
A fucking drink costs $12.00. Yes, I know that it's a very exotic "asian pear drink" but that's stupid. Only an idiot or a millionaire would pay $12.00 for a drink. I bought three.
$12 isnt that expensive for a drink out in a club or a bar (sure its way more expensive then making it at home) but thats reality. $12 for a drink is actually pretty cheap where i live
What kind of drinks are you buying? A beer shouldn't cost more than $5 and some girly fruit drink shouldn't be more than $10.
If $12 is cheap (not even average) then you sir are balling it up indeed.
He's from Sweden (supposedly) so he's probably just converting from SEK to USD, and since the dollar is incredibly weak right now $12 is not a lot comparatively...
Last saturday, I actually did the opposite of what you did.
- I didn't drive to the club - I didn't buy drinks (yeah, i fucking didn't) - I didn't do carlton dance, instead i tried to keep up with the best dancer i knew and i was pretty much ok. - I didn't buy into a fight (We were ~10 people including girls and that makes 5 men and one of us was my capoeira instructor. A fight wouldn't end too badly for me). - ???
It was a good saturday night. I wrote how it ended to one-line confessions thread.
ill summarize for you since you seemed to still be under the effects of alcohol. Awkward male enters the club early, unprepared, and alone. Ironically notices a 45 year old who is out of place. Calls the expensive girly drinks stupid and then proceeds to buy 3. By some miracle he gets checked out by 2 potential mates. Completely fails the mating ritual causing prospective females to give up on men and try lesbian sex insead. Pulls an IdrA and calls clubbing stupid and leaves in order to prevent admitting one's own faults.
You missed out man, Two taxidermists would have made from some very freaky sex!
A fucking drink costs $12.00. Yes, I know that it's a very exotic "asian pear drink" but that's stupid. Only an idiot or a millionaire would pay $12.00 for a drink. I bought three.
$12 isnt that expensive for a drink out in a club or a bar (sure its way more expensive then making it at home) but thats reality. $12 for a drink is actually pretty cheap where i live
What kind of drinks are you buying? A beer shouldn't cost more than $5 and some girly fruit drink shouldn't be more than $10.
If $12 is cheap (not even average) then you sir are balling it up indeed.
He's from Sweden (supposedly) so he's probably just converting from SEK to USD, and since the dollar is incredibly weak right now $12 is not a lot comparatively...
Just a guess.
Oh, it's not because of the exchange rate, it's just that we have like 500% taxes on hard liquor in Sweden. A sad and true story.
i didn't read all the replies but what is "taxidermi"...i think i heard this word before... edit:i looked it up on dictionary.com and i know the meaning...nice...
SANTA BARBARA—A blogger on the popular gaming website Teamliquid.net released a statement today chronicling an evening of social alienation. SpicyCrab, an avid gamer and seafood enthusiast, expressed frustration at his inability to bond with his peers at a local dance club, even going as far as to claim he hates clubs. "Great! I'll just hit this squirrel and swerve in to the divider and die and then I won't actually have to go to the club," Mr. Crab half-joked with his readers before detailing a Salinger-esque sequence of events punctuated by the author’s overwhelming ennui.
“I’m not sure why he didn’t just buy a beer,” bartender Ed Warren wondered. “Those Asian Orgasms are pretty expensive, they’re more marketed towards the Sex and the City crowd. I think that was the first time I’ve seen a guy order one, never mind three.” Warren claims he told Crab about the $2 domestic beer deal the club was running, but Crab simply nodded vacantly. “He coulda just said he didn’t hear me, I know it gets loud in here sometimes,” the bartender shrugged.
Mark Prejean, a club regular, remembers SpicyCrab for a different reason. “Yeah, I used to be that guy. I used to come here and feel this unbelievable self-consciousness and I loathed it. I used to project my insecurities onto everyone around me. Now, I don’t care that I’m the 45 year old creepster. I’m comfortable enough with myself to enjoy a night out every once in a while.”
Candace Wilcox, a sales rep from Nebraska, found the club through Yelp and decided to check it out on her stop-over to visit her college room mate. “The scene was a little young, sure, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it that way,” she laughs. Remembering an abortive conversation attempt with SpicyCrab, she just shakes her head. “I was feeling a little flirty and he seemed nice at first, but it was really hard to hear his muttering. I know the club is loud, but come on, you’ve got a hot mama like me asking you to dance, you should go with it!” She grins and blushes slightly, “I’m kidding. But yeah, that guy seemed like he thought he was too good for us, or at least for that club, so we went to find some more outgoing guys. It turned out to be a fun night.”
SpicyCrab’s night would would only get worse, as a scuffle threatened to break out over a misunderstanding between Crab and a group of drunk guidos. “So I kind lower down on to my haunches, and gut check one of the guys with my elbow,” Crab writes, detailing the physical escalation of the situation. The guidos were unavailable for comment. “So I spent a lot of money, didn't meet any one, damaged by constitution with alcohol and then almost got in to a fight,” says Crab, encapsulating the night. Whether the evening’s sequence of events is an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern for SpicyCrab remains to be seen, but he will probably consider his next social engagement more thoroughly.
On December 11 2010 06:28 JackMcCoy wrote: LOCAL MAN OFFPUT BY AWKWARD SOCIAL OUTING
SANTA BARBARA—A blogger on the popular gaming website Teamliquid.net released a statement today chronicling an evening of social alienation. SpicyCrab, an avid gamer and seafood enthusiast, expressed frustration at his inability to bond with his peers at a local dance club, even going as far as to claim he hates clubs. "Great! I'll just hit this squirrel and swerve in to the divider and die and then I won't actually have to go to the club," Mr. Crab half-joked with his readers before detailing a Salinger-esque sequence of events punctuated by the author’s overwhelming ennui.
“I’m not sure why he didn’t just buy a beer,” bartender Ed Warren wondered. “Those Asian Orgasms are pretty expensive, they’re more marketed towards the Sex and the City crowd. I think that was the first time I’ve seen a guy order one, never mind three.” Warren claims he told Crab about the $2 domestic beer deal the club was running, but Crab simply nodded vacantly. “He coulda just said he didn’t hear me, I know it gets loud in here sometimes,” the bartender shrugged.
Mark Prejean, a club regular, remembers SpicyCrab for a different reason. “Yeah, I used to be that guy. I used to come here and feel this unbelievable self-consciousness and I loathed it. I used to project my insecurities onto everyone around me. Now, I don’t care that I’m the 45 year old creepster. I’m comfortable enough with myself to enjoy a night out every once in a while.”
Candace Wilcox, a sales rep from Nebraska, found the club through Yelp and decided to check it out on her stop-over to visit her college room mate. “The scene was a little young, sure, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it that way,” she laughs. Remembering an abortive conversation attempt with SpicyCrab, she just shakes her head. “I was feeling a little flirty and he seemed nice at first, but it was really hard to hear his muttering. I know the club is loud, but come on, you’ve got a hot mama like me asking you to dance, you should go with it!” She grins and blushes slightly, “I’m kidding. But yeah, that guy seemed like he thought he was too good for us, or at least for that club, so we went to find some more outgoing guys. It turned out to be a fun night.”
SpicyCrab’s night would would only get worse, as a scuffle threatened to break out over a misunderstanding between Crab and a group of drunk guidos. “So I kind lower down on to my haunches, and gut check one of the guys with my elbow,” Crab writes, detailing the physical escalation of the situation. The guidos were unavailable for comment. “So I spent a lot of money, didn't meet any one, damaged by constitution with alcohol and then almost got in to a fight,” says Crab, encapsulating the night. Whether the evening’s sequence of events is an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern for SpicyCrab remains to be seen, but he will probably consider his next social engagement more thoroughly.
This reads like it was straight from The Onion. Wonderful and would read again 10/10!
On December 11 2010 04:08 SpicyCrab wrote: There is an awkward dawdling 45 year old balding fat man wandering around very slowly. He's not getting laid tonight. He is my spirit guide.
Okay, now I have a drink in my hand. That makes me cool right? I might be even buy you a drink. I have money to buy things, it's all very impressive.
But of course, a club isn't a place where you meet people or talk to them. It's a place where you find a strange woman to take to the dance floor, and then grind your denim jeans against her raw skin, and grind your underwear against your denim jeans and grind your erect penis against your underwear.
Very funny and nicely written SpicyCrab. I've had some good nights at clubs but I've definitely had bad nights too, and I can sympathise with much of what you wrote.
Anyone trying to insult or pick on the OP for making a funny, self-deprecating blog is a fuckwit.
This blog is head and shoulders above most blogs posted here.
On December 11 2010 06:28 JackMcCoy wrote: LOCAL MAN OFFPUT BY AWKWARD SOCIAL OUTING
SANTA BARBARA—A blogger on the popular gaming website Teamliquid.net released a statement today chronicling an evening of social alienation. SpicyCrab, an avid gamer and seafood enthusiast, expressed frustration at his inability to bond with his peers at a local dance club, even going as far as to claim he hates clubs. "Great! I'll just hit this squirrel and swerve in to the divider and die and then I won't actually have to go to the club," Mr. Crab half-joked with his readers before detailing a Salinger-esque sequence of events punctuated by the author’s overwhelming ennui.
“I’m not sure why he didn’t just buy a beer,” bartender Ed Warren wondered. “Those Asian Orgasms are pretty expensive, they’re more marketed towards the Sex and the City crowd. I think that was the first time I’ve seen a guy order one, never mind three.” Warren claims he told Crab about the $2 domestic beer deal the club was running, but Crab simply nodded vacantly. “He coulda just said he didn’t hear me, I know it gets loud in here sometimes,” the bartender shrugged.
Mark Prejean, a club regular, remembers SpicyCrab for a different reason. “Yeah, I used to be that guy. I used to come here and feel this unbelievable self-consciousness and I loathed it. I used to project my insecurities onto everyone around me. Now, I don’t care that I’m the 45 year old creepster. I’m comfortable enough with myself to enjoy a night out every once in a while.”
Candace Wilcox, a sales rep from Nebraska, found the club through Yelp and decided to check it out on her stop-over to visit her college room mate. “The scene was a little young, sure, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it that way,” she laughs. Remembering an abortive conversation attempt with SpicyCrab, she just shakes her head. “I was feeling a little flirty and he seemed nice at first, but it was really hard to hear his muttering. I know the club is loud, but come on, you’ve got a hot mama like me asking you to dance, you should go with it!” She grins and blushes slightly, “I’m kidding. But yeah, that guy seemed like he thought he was too good for us, or at least for that club, so we went to find some more outgoing guys. It turned out to be a fun night.”
SpicyCrab’s night would would only get worse, as a scuffle threatened to break out over a misunderstanding between Crab and a group of drunk guidos. “So I kind lower down on to my haunches, and gut check one of the guys with my elbow,” Crab writes, detailing the physical escalation of the situation. The guidos were unavailable for comment. “So I spent a lot of money, didn't meet any one, damaged by constitution with alcohol and then almost got in to a fight,” says Crab, encapsulating the night. Whether the evening’s sequence of events is an isolated incident or part of a larger pattern for SpicyCrab remains to be seen, but he will probably consider his next social engagement more thoroughly.
There are countless other things that you could get would be considered a heterosexual drink and still bang you up.
Also, 8 is not almost the same as 12. And girl drinks are not strong
# Apple Pucker# Bacardi limon# fresh mint# fresh lime# soda water# sprite# muddler or spoon# shaker tin with glass# glass for drink to be served in rab a few fresh mint leaves, and 2-4 lime wedges. Place in the bottom of your shaker glass, and add 1/4 of an ounce of apple pucker. MORE. ChaCha!
On December 11 2010 05:29 Metalwing wrote: Last saturday, I actually did the opposite of what you did.
- I didn't buy into a fight (We were ~10 people including girls and that makes 5 men and one of us was my capoeira instructor. A fight wouldn't end too badly for me). - ???
I was always under the impression that capoeira was more of a traditional dance with ethnic brazilian music and not used for fighting.
Clubs are boring, atleast here in Sweden, I find that almost all generic dull people go clubbing here. It feels like they're all trying to have such glamorous social lives. Although I don't find clubbing to be that social, it's just a bunch of people with none of them you will strike a real conversation with.
On December 11 2010 04:13 ZaplinG wrote: Sure beats just sitting around the house
Oh, and drink before you get to the club. Only suckers or people trying to impress buy drinks at the bar.
Only suckers bother trying to save up getting shitfaced with natural ice before the party. Seriously, if you weren't a sucker and had the money would you gulp all the booze alone at your house? No, you wouldn't.
On December 11 2010 04:13 ZaplinG wrote: Sure beats just sitting around the house
Oh, and drink before you get to the club. Only suckers or people trying to impress buy drinks at the bar.
Only suckers bother trying to save up getting shitfaced with natural ice before the party. Seriously, if you weren't a sucker and had the money would you gulp all the booze alone at your house? No, you wouldn't.
Sounds like the truthhammer is knocking some heads out!
I'd say you need to learn how to socialize better with women, my friend. And since the chick was that candid with you AND asked what did you do as her FIRST question....obviously a gold-digger man. Come on, you can't be any dumber than this bro. Learn to recognize this kind of stuff and learn from it.
It took my a while to realise this, and I might be wrong, BUT, I think clubs aren't that popular among the general population. Only the flashy very excentric people go there, and since you see those kinds of people on TV you tend to think that EVERYONE goes to the club... Anyways, it's not for me. My friends don't even bother asking me to go clubbing anymore.
On December 13 2010 11:25 Never.Die wrote: I'd say you need to learn how to socialize better with women, my friend. And since the chick was that candid with you AND asked what did you do as her FIRST question....obviously a gold-digger man. Come on, you can't be any dumber than this bro. Learn to recognize this kind of stuff and learn from it.
Generally you shouldn't be giving an advice unless you've gotten laid at least once before. So come back once you do.
This is the thing about clubs. The smarter you are the quicker you realize you aren't having any fun and you get as drunk as your bankroll will allow you. Once you start sobering up, you either get a few more drinks to suffocate the emptiness or throw up on the dance floor on purpose so you get thrown out.
EPT
