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So, 2010. If you've been reading my blogs you know this year was basically a giant block of compressed feces served on a rotor blade to hell. If you don't then this won't make sense to you and you'll only stick around for the stupid analogies I'll be making.
Writing of my novel has been frozen solid since new years for all sorts of stupid reasons. I have 1300 pages written, out of those 1300 pages around 300 have been revised and 125 heavily edited. I need to have double this written to reach my estimated draft completion stages, if the next content is to be as heavy as the existing content. This one, stupidly pathetic little part just had me locked down nice and tight.
Well, the greasy, rusty cogs clicked just one notch and I finally visualized this one specific part of the event that I had been having such a hard time with. Two paragraphs. I woke up out of half-sleep, rolled over to the PC, hammered them in, sat back, and slapped myself something fierce.
An entire year has been wasted just to get two paragraphs that any dumbshit could write without even thinking about it. It has been simply so long that now such progression means utterly nothing and I will never have the momentum I had back then. The damn novel should have been FINISHED by now. I've lost too much time. I'm not playing catch up, anymore. I'm just borrowing life by the hour at this rate. But I wrote them anyways because I know I'll forget everything in fifteen minutes because my brain is overthrown.
I hate being stupid. Stupidity has cost me everything.
(Yet, if there's anything I've learned it's that anger breeds progression.)
Oh, and the event is really simple, too. Something really big makes a very big explosion. I just had no idea how to word the event or how I wanted it visualized. It was a completely and totally unexpected yet seemingly so insignificant of a portion to write, but I couldn't just glaze over it, because how this point flows dictates the motion of all events soon after, and the events after that are affected by that... basically, you piss in a pond and all those ripples depend on which way you swag your dick around. This event is that dick, and I can't predict the equilibrium of the ripples if I can't even see the dick or the splash to begin with.
Man I'm just so pissed I can't even rant properly right now. I just needed to vent. Again.
Maybe if I keep this up I might write a bit more than two paragraphs a year but let's not hold any insane standards here.
 
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Braavos36369 Posts
What's your novel about? Can we read an excerpt?
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About? It's about a lot of things, really. It's a science fiction/fantasy mesh in an original world I've been building for most of my life (My memory is bad enough that I rely on physical evidence to tell me how long; I have physical evidence from around 14-15 years ago, I'm 23 years old). Of course, it's changed a lot over the years, but ultimately it's a way of representing the challenges I've faced in my many battles with mental disabilities and all the related fun stuff.
There is too much to simply summarize. There are no humans in the novel (the only mention of humans is a brief reference related to genetic experiments of a rogue scientist belonging to one of the lesser advantage protagonist civilizations), though in our years the beginning of the novel is around 2004 and takes place across 2-3 months of time. During this course the universe we as humans know it gets destroyed by a massive ship belonging to the Undead, comprised of "elemental" and psionic energy, getting eaten by another elemental energy and collapsing. The resulting psionic implosion takes out every galaxy in our little sanctuary, destroying pretty much everything our science would be able to quantify.
As a result of this and many other ridiculous things that take place I've had to use my limited knowledge of physics to help build at least somewhat reasonable and tangible fantasy elements that allow a guided passage into a world of far greater scope than that we can conceptualize today from our perspective of science. I've always felt that one of the key weaknesses of science fiction is that it's constantly restricted by our modern understanding of the sciences, or it relies too heavily on one element.
The Undead are basically denizens of a real-world representation of Hell; the energy left behind by a demi-god-like entity being killed that drew in the hateful, depressed, and resentful emotions of its living kin while they were embroiled in a civil war. It also drew in their life force; not "souls" as religion would describe it but the energy released by life's end, damning those who died in such wars to unending servitude to the emotions immortally forged and harvested by this cloud of energy.
As you can probably guess, it's a lot to just summarize. The main character is female, belonging to a race created by Ascherzon, one of these demi-gods who used a weapon called the Shard of Absolution to harness an alien (and "fake") element to create them. Of course, across so vast a time as the beginning of the physical world to present day, a lot has happened, and though most of this race has spent that time sleeping, their Father and Lord has prepared them to meet enemies they do not know in battle.
I don't have any immediate excerpts I can throw you that will make much sense. I can look for some but it is hard to throw people into the novel. One of many reasons why I keep the writing private and do not plan to ever release it.
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based on your summary i think i would really enjoy your story.
Keep at it.
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I just read your previous blog and it seems that you are having trouble cocentrating on doing your work. I know that feeling. I do a lot more work in 2 hours than what I do in 24 hours depending on my concentration.
Well good luck in writing your novel. Hopefully, you can release it when you're done ^.^
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Braavos36369 Posts
wait you never plan on releasing it? what is the point of blogging about it then, obviously people are going to want to read it 
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I have a few readers, one or two of which lurk TL. I may search for more readers in the future but I have a hard time trusting people with something I consider the epitome of my life's work. If I were to do so I'd have to first make enormous progress on the revision of the existing material.
Sometimes I just feel like ranting, though. It really bothers me to have gone through so much time, literally doing nothing, when it's so simple to move on. And yet I hear of people regularly writing 30k+ words a day on something not nearly as important to them as this is to me.
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On December 03 2010 22:09 IskatuMesk wrote:
Sometimes I just feel like ranting, though. It really bothers me to have gone through so much time, literally doing nothing, when it's so simple to move on. And yet I hear of people regularly writing 30k+ words a day on something not nearly as important to them as this is to me.
But that's exactly how they can do that. Trust me, from experience: the more you care about getting something just right, the harder it is to do it.
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You'd think at the very least you could drive yourself to do something, though? An entire year... is no time easily passed. Not for one such as I, who has done nothing but make such efforts and fail repeatedly.
If I could see it finished before life's end it would all have been worth the time.
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I've never written a novel, all though I have thought about it more than once since, but I generally feel roughly the same thing you describe when I write something. My stumbling block is usually the first couple of paragraphs, though, after that it usually flows pretty well. It's always been like that in school from as long back as I can remember up to now when I'm a grad student in biology.
Before I write a paper I sit there (indeed, this is what I'm doing right this moment) and think of what I should write and how I should phrase it, and it always, literally always, feels like crap. It feels like the way I phrase things might just as well have come out of the non-existant mouth of a retarded sponge, yet my work has almost invariably turned out to be quite good.
In my experience it's best to simply write down whatever, even when it feels completely crap. Usually it turns out not to be nearly as bad as imagined, and if it really is that bad, it's usually easier to know how it can fixed when it's written down.
I don't know, but at least it works for me.
Anyway, your book sounds quite appealing to me, particularly this:
but ultimately it's a way of representing the challenges I've faced
That's just the kind of thing that makes an excellent story. So I do hope you finish it sometime and tell us. 
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Okay here's an Excerpt. I'm just going to copy the first pages of the novel as-is. I did this a long time ago on TL, but back then I copied the then 8-year old text. This is new, and moderately edited.
However, formatting such as italics will have been lost.
Chapter 1 – The Dawning
Motes of light collected across a horizon of uneven lines, casting rays of warmth into valleys and meadows below. The sky glowed in twilight, accenting the twinkle of stars reflecting off a great lake at the base of the distant province. A prominent violet orb with uneven streaks of blue ascended into the clear sky accompanying the sun's rise, casting its own radiance across the unfettered wilderness and the crystalline lake. The surface of the water was calm, for there was only a gentle eastern breeze that carried the sweet scent of nature across it.
Sounds came to life, awakening the world as though it had been frozen in time; the trickling of water, the distant song of birds, and a twinkling of chimes from the west. Old trees a hundred feet high took in the light and in turn cast their shadows upon a weathered wooden framework at the water's edge. Simple railways gave rest to a figure in glistening blues and silvers.
The woman's features were almost angelic. Adorned in an exotic robe of stunning silvery threads, her sky-blue hair flowed in the waking breeze, cool to the touch but warming to her weary heart. Soft azure skin glowed in the morning haze as she took in the sounds of the ageless world. Her eyes gazed into the gentle waters and the rolling terrain of the distant world, lost in emotion and memory.
As the light met her sanctuary, it revealed many flaws that had been worn into it over the course of time. Scratches and chips infested the corroded woodworks, some of which had crumbled to ruin into the shallow waters around it, and mossy tumors had taken refuge within darkened extremities. The wood exposed to the light was pale, drained of its beauty by the same light that gave purpose to everything else.
The once majestic enclave of wooden beams and rails she rested upon were surrounded by white marble arches that had long lost their luster, leading into an overgrown overhang that swept overhead and behind her into the structure. Vines crept diligently across the worn stonework and into the room, encircling an old wooden bed and table. Time had long since stripped these furniture of their beauty, though faint impressions remained that hinted to their forgotten heritage.
"Nostalgic?" a pleasant, though faintly distressed, voice beckoned to her from the sidelines. She reluctantly pulled herself from the scenery before her.
"Perhaps," she admitted, her own voice deeper but tender, more accustom to concealing her emotions than her face. The figure in the stone corridor to her right bore almost no resemblance to her. His small horns and slightly scaled skin made him appear alien, although his skin was of similar tone to hers. In constrast to his audience, he was slighter of frame and perhaps even intimidated by her as she rose despite her gentle appearance. He wore lavish fabric garments of gray and blue, accented with silver lining. He was making considerable effort to straighten his collar and jacket.
"We're going to be late, Mauu. They'll be waiting for us." he pressed.
"I know. Let's go," she complied with a constrained sigh, withdrawing herself from her rest with little care for the man's impatience.
Following her companion through the corridor, Mauu glanced into long forgotten stone chambers and hallways, most void of any furniture or other objects. Instead, flora flourished under gaping holes in the roof where rays of morning life flooded through.
"I've never been here before. It's hard to imagine you guys living under such barbaric conditions while everything else was going straight to Nazadune around you," her companion muttered.
The man stumbled as he tripped on a rock in the passage, cursing under his breath before he kicked it aside and continued on.
"It had its charm," Mauu replied. Pockets of grass provided her bare feet with comfort as she glided through the ruins.
"I think I'd prefer the comfort of a nice, warm bed inside my ship over sleeping under the freezing rain in a place with no heating much less basic architectural needs."
They approached a glowing tunnel leading to a larger chamber open to the soothing whisper of morning breeze. Columns of light poured onto overgrown stone steppes leading into a circular depression occupying a courtyard. Mauu paused at the apex of the steps as her companion descended towards the center, where a black craft dominated the scenery with its hulk.
"Temperate." Mauu sighed. He paused and glanced back at her.
"What?"
"It's a temperate climate, Orisis. Even when it rained, it never got that cold. With how much you stare at those displays, I'm surprised you didn't catch that."
"Oh, I did. I'd just rather be dry than soaking wet."
Mauu could only shake her head as he turned back to the craft. The sleek vehicle appeared like a bloated fish, with wings that resembled the fins of a shark and a slender tail riddled in rows of small panels on the rear edges. The front modelled a curved window peering into a spacious cockpit and a number of long, thin metal extrusions were clustered together on the right side of the nose. Touching a tiny depression on the side, Orisis stepped back and allowed a seam to form in the hull of the ship, opening into a doorway for him to enter.
Mauu's eyes drifted across the terrain and into the open sky. A gentle warm breeze guided leaves into the courtyard from somewhere beyond, along with the smell of pollen and old oak. She breathed deeply, then descended the steps towards the shuttle. The panels on the tail of the craft opened into slats, emitting a faint glow of distorted blue light.
She stepped into the shuttle, taking in the dull featureless gray plating of the empty cargo chamber. As the door noiselessly slid down behind her she strode through the spacious rear compartment, lined with unoccupied seats and straps, and approached the bridge next to it.
"Well, the flagship is almost ready for testing procedures," Orisis said as he studied a series of glowing teal panels in front of him. Reaching out with his clawed hands, he touched the pulsating holographic symbols and gizmos floating on top of the shuttle's console, manipulating them with his motions. Flat displays above them flickered with activity in response. He reached out to touch the frontal display, zooming out of the planet. The display expanded into a three-dimensional starmap, displaying a star system and its three planets.
As Orisis manipulated a circular device of light to his right, the shuttle slowly rose off the ground. Mauu took the seat next to him and casually leaned back.
"It really is a dreary place." Orisis muttered as he glanced out the viewing screen. The shuttle rose above the stone complex and the glittering lake enveloped their view. "No labs, no offices..."
"Never stopped to think that it was better off without those?" Mauu asked, exchanging his glare. Orisis frowned.
"Heresy."
The shuttle continued to rise upwards, accelerating rapidly, though its occupants felt no less comfortable despite the velocity. Mauu took in the shimmering forest of stars as they passed through the atmosphere, and the interior of the shuttle darkened.
"Let's have one last look." Mauu whispered. Orisis grunted, manipulating the pulsing flight control and turning the shuttle around in a slow spin as it continued to travel outwards. Shimmering oceans and lush forests flooded the landscape, with few mountains and valleys. This planet was a world completely untouched by civilization. They drifted for a few moments, staring into the rolling meadows from afar.
Orisis' hands started moving again, across the central starmap. It extended outwards until the system was a small circle, pulsating to indicate their current location. He zoomed further outwards, and additional star systems came into view along with hundreds of tiny icons. With a few quick motions, he had zoomed out to encompass dozens of star systems. He then panned sideways, towards an inner cluster of systems in the center of the galaxy. Tapping on one particular icon, the map zoomed into a star system containing almost a dozen planets. This system was flooded with shapes and icons. He tapped his chin thoughtfully as his right hand dashed across a keypad below the glowing ring he had used to control the shuttle's movements, and double tapped near one of the planets. The display zoomed out, and a transparent line connected the two systems.
Mauu held back tears as she gazed into the abandoned world. The shuttle accelerated backwards until the planet was but a mash of blues and greens. Then the craft's controls pulsed brightly, and the planet and stars vanished into total darkness. A few moments passed, and the displays flashed once more. She felt a keen sense of vertigo for a split second, and the stars reappeared in a glimmer of light.
"We've entered the Kendathal system." Orisis said to himself.
Mauu took in a deep breath and straightened herself in her chair. The shuttle turned around, and a series of small orbs appeared in the distance along with thousands of glittering black shapes.
"He's really doing it. He's waking the entire fleet from the Black." Orisis murmured.
A massive shape passed overhead. Arranged in triangular symmetry, two lower spire-like appendages and a similar central raised structure surrounded the body of a tremendous black ship forming a trio of forward structures around a central orifice. Its armor gleamed across the length of the ship in brief, bright bands for a few moments just before the vessel vanished from sight.
Orisis navigated the starmap as it moved in co-ordination with the shuttle's trajectory. Suddenly, a dozen icons appeared in the distance of the starmap. Orisis looked up, and a group of black titans manifested in the stars. These ships were ever larger than the last, each cradling a green crystal within tendrils of black metal in their foresections.
"I'm glad those guys have their gravity control on." Orisis mused. The shuttle passed overhead of the formation. As they drew closer to the black ships, their armor glittered momentarily. Mauu could make out the forks of energy that sprayed across the closest's ships hull as its reactive armor came online. The plating seemed to shrink momentarily. "Ascherzon must really want Centuron back if he's calling out everyone for this mission." the pilot added.
"It's just like before," Mauu said quietly. "Except this time we're not fighting helpless rebels."
The shuttle continued onwards. More black ships passed them of all shapes and sizes, some in formations, some alone. The shuttle oriented itself towards a massive orange star in the distance and accelerated, careful to avoid getting too close to the capital ships as they traveled through the system and arrived from others. Brief flashes of light sporadically rippled across space in front of the visor from tiny objects impacting the craft's shield.
"I hate shuttles." Orisis mumbled as they passed a small moon. Visible on the surface of the brown rock were large black metal structures, often covering entire continents. The shuttle slowed while other small craft materialized in the darkness, traveling between the moon and other destinations. Mauu's eyes drifted to the moon's parent. The orb of darkness was covered entirely with twisting clouds. Furious flashes of light rippled across its skies as storm activity endlessly battered the planet.
"Azkazar." Orisis said while he glanced at the planet and then back at his console. "I wonder how many Templar are on it right now."
They approached one of the many stations encircling the storm planet. Smaller shuttlecraft flooded out of a lone hangar barely visible beneath fleshy tendrils and cables that infested the structure.
"Nemesis probably has his project by now." Mauu mused as they passed by. A small craft similar to theirs passed directly underneath them.
"I still don't understand why he keeps using that title. Doesn't he realize the rebellion ended hundreds of thousands of years ago?"
"You still cling to your title," Mauu chided. The shuttle rapidly gained acceleration, stations and vessels blurring past them as they left the planet's orbit.
"Yeah, but I'm a scientist. I got my title by developing glowy bits for the navy. He's just stuck in the past."
"He's a warrior. Everyone knows him as Nemesis and I imagine most Templar don't even remember his real name anymore. They glorify him by using his title. It's part of the job."
"Well I hope he realizes that we have things to do besides running around and blowing everything up." Orisis peered up from his console and at the star again.
"Well, there's the Serljukullion`Merkal," He said, nodding towards a black shape squarely between them and the massive orange giant. The bulbous shark seemed to draw in the light around it, glowing with its own atmosphere. "And why do they have to use such ridiculously long names for their ships? The Templar bloody confuse me sometimes. It seems that they want to make their lives as drawn out and dramatic as possible."
"That is why they call it the 'Lordship', you know... Merkal for short."
"Yeah, but..."
"Orisis. Shut up," Mauu barked.
As the shuttle continued towards the vessel, curves and details formed on the tremendous Templar warship. A raised upper section on the rear of the ship commanded over a vast, smooth forward hull that lead into a series of bulbs and depressions along the forefront. The front formed into a curved beak-like structure, hooking over the front of the decorative clawed wings and outwards.
At the stern of the ship, four segments extended outwards from the body of the hull and formed into colossal pointed pillars that jutted to the bow. Glittering along the elbows of these formations were multiple rows of small bumps in the surface. The rear of the pillars formed into structures similar to the front of the ship, curving backwards towards the hind of the vessel.
Small rows of dots began to appear in the star's glow, rallied in front of the flagship. The shuttle drew closer and details formed on the dots. Pillars, spires, and green crystals adorned varying ship designs of the fleet. Hundreds of vessels were converged around the star. The shuttle decelerated as it entered the fleet's vicinity.
"We still don't have a name for our ship." Orisis muttered.
"I'll think of something."
A lot of things, like the enormously advanced nature of Templar technology, is explained a little bit throughout the early text, carefully woven into the rest of the writing.
Some particular things like comma usage on speech to transitions I hammered out a lot better into my head later on but haven't edited into this yet.
Also I realize Orisis is astounding similar to Osiris. Something I didn't know when I started writing this years ago. I've long been meaning to get him a new name, but as of yet have not come up with anything.
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I think you have a fair amount of skill, but I'd like to make a comment if it's not too bold.
"I'm glad those guys have their gravity control on." Orisis mused. The shuttle passed overhead of the formation. As they drew closer to the black ships, their armor glittered momentarily. Mauu could make out the forks of energy that sprayed across the closest's ships hull as its reactive armor came online.
I think you use the word "as" too often to start sentences. It grows kind of monotonous. Why "overhead" and not just "over?" "closest's" should be "closest ship's."
There are lots of little things like this, which could make this even better to read.
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My English is terrible, of that I am not unaware. Not bold at all bro. I've heard that sentiment quite a lot (from my editors too), so it's something I'm aware of, but don't have the experience or talent to really go around remedying yet.
Closest's I have no idea how that got by me in the first place but I ask myself that same question every time I read a part.
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Haha. Well, I hope when you finish you will be proud of what you've done. I finished my own novel this year, but it was kind of a let down. Then again, mine wasn't 1300 pages holy crap.
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I think if I managed to write again I could come back and probably improve even the most heavily edited writing in this novel considerably, as blogs like those I've been posting on TL I aimed to really challenge all styles of my writing and I felt it helped improve that writing in a more pressure-free environment. As opposed to my monstrously critical personal writing, anyway.
I have nearly everything that actually happens concerning the main plot figured out for this book and then parts of the other two, but writing out what's in my head, and then making it sensible when all I have to go by for my knowledge is English is tattered memories and the interbutts, well... a year is a long time to have done nothing to that end.
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Well, maybe you just needed 2 years to get it down right. I mean if you had written it in haste 2 years ago it might have gone in a whole different direction. Now you just proceed from where you are at this time.
But I do think you should reconsider releasing since it sounds like something really special judging from these blogs.
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I despise having to write something. You know what is going to happen, but structuring your sentences and words so that it sounds good to my strange arbitrary standard is hell. Can eat up several hours which could have been prevented if you just don't give a shit and write like how I am writing this post.
The critical difference is the extent of the scale, since I am actually quite bad at writing and always lack enough imagination to venture outside the category of fan-fictions; I am absolutely astounded that you were dedicated enough to take a stab at complete novel, 1300 pages worth at that. How many words are in there and how much effort and hours it must have taken you, I am absolutely clueless.
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600k words at this time. Time? 8 years from start to this point. Maybe half of that was spent "active" in production, which I say with hesitation for I've never been able to wholly and utterly focus on writing or anything for that matter.
/e Actually that would be 9 years now. Christ...
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Maybe if you publish it, it'll become an instant cult classic and you'll make millions :D
Doesn't hurt to try 
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I cannot dream of impossible dreams like that. It's not healthy.
Nor can I afford to try.
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EPT
