What is it, an emotion? An action? My parents told me this the morning of leaving for university, "Endymion, we met each other in our freshman year in school. There is a very good chance that you could meet your future wife today, or tomorrow. Keep your eyes open!" Now to be honest I assume that they meant it as a joke to take the edge of moving out off, but it has stuck with me until this day. I've always been fasinated with the idea of "true love" found in novels and movies, the perfect hapiness that people get out of their relationships. I always think "Gosh, if only I could be like Tom Cruise. I could be happy finally." I brought it up to my Mom one day, asking her what she thought about true love. She said "Endymion, true love is really more of a guide line. A goal to shoot for. It's like pursuing perfection, you'll never obtain it. Eventually you'll either die, or settle for less than perfection." So what the hell is love between us humans, us starcraft players. Just elevated friendship? I suppose so. I take a lot of enjoyment from my friendships, so I assume that an elevated friendship would only bring more hapiness. It just feels like a let down from what I wanted, a real connection. A true connection.
So there's this girl.. How many sentances have you read on TL.net starting with that phrase? I have two girls who I consider to be "friends" of mine at my university, meaning I would actually confide myself in them. One of them is taken, and I know that both she and her boyfriend cheat on each other. The other has a broken arm, lost cell phone, wisdom teeth coming in, and may possibly have leukimia (she is being scanned on tuesday), did I mention this has all happened within the last week? Boy, I sure know how to pick them. A moral deliquent, and the most unlucky girl on the face of the planet. Now comes the all important question from my mind, "Endymion, why do you like these girls?!" They make me happy. The moral deliquent makes me laugh and smile, she reminds me of myself. And she is with some guy who is just as big of an ass as I am. Hurts, right? Whatever. On to Miss leukimia, why do I like her? At first it was because she made me feel REALLY good about myself (just because of how much of complete wreck her life is compared to mine..), but then it really became cloudier.. I started helping her piece her life together. She needed help studying for her economics exam, I was there for multiple hours. It cut into my starcraft time on multiple occasions. I gave her compliments just to see her face light up, not because I cared about her feelings. I helped her because it was a game to me, a real life game of starcraft. Then something I didn't expect to happen, happened. She skipped a business class that we take together, and messaged me on facebook "can't make it to bcor, i'll meet you outside of the math building so that we can walk to econ together." I walked outside after the class, and she was sitting there, face in hands. Cold as ever, I said "Hey, ready to go?" I really didn't think she would be bawling her eyes out at the entrance of a 300 person lecture hall. She stood up, and we started walking. She was still crying "My hand.. hurts.. so much! I can't take this anymore!". I didn't know how to respond, I had no experience with someone crying without me intentionally causing it. I thought about what true love would have done in this situation.. If it had been a movie, Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise would have put their arm around her, and said something romantic. I knew this, but I couldn't do it. I just stared at her while we walked, enthralled by this enourmous display of emotion. I didn't feel bad though. I felt like I was watching a live match between two koreans. I was analytical, cold, and distant. What is wrong with me, I feel bad for her but most of it is completely her fault. What was I meant to say, "I'm sorry your arm hurts, but it's your fault. You shouldn't skateboard after taking multiple shots. Your an idiot." No, I knew I couldn't. I lied. "Ohh don't worry, I'm sure it'll get better soon! It's only uphill from here! (lol ignore that your failing multiple classes, no worries.)" But I could never do what she did. Cry in public. The only people that have ever seen me cry are my immediate family, and even that is rare. She did, literally, the complete opposite of what I would myself do. And it was fantasic, I felt more alive next to her that day than I have in months. I love the fact that I can nurture her, care for her, and that she actually cares. The emotion is her way of telling me that she cares, and it's better than anything else in the world to me. Smiles are priceless.
Lol. What a broad topic to write about huh. I think I'm a sociopath. You know what I do in my free time besides play Starcraft? Well, TL.net, let me tell you. I study people on the internet. No, not people I know. Annonomys people. Omegle.com, MormanChat, ect. However, a few months ago I picked up a permenant client. I was on a pornstar's myspace (lol..) reading the comments no less. A guy commented "hey, angela, here is my number, call me!" In my head I was like "Wow, this must be his first day on the internet or something.. give me a break, how desperate can you get." I added him, pretending to be a girlfriend of the pornstar. He believed me, and I have talked to him ever since. You know that shitty feeling you have if you get cheesed a few times in a row? Ever feel like you just want to kick someone into the dirt, and watch them writhe around mentally? I do. He is my mental punching bag, and under the guise of a beautiful woman I am slowly corroding away his self-esteem. It's so easy to identify weak points in his psyche, he is a 22 year old highschool drop out, no GED. I don't feel bad though, everytime I speak to him I expect him to be like "haha, this has all been a joke to me! I know your just some guy in Colorado!" but he never does. How ignorant and blind can people be, I can't enlighten them all. So why not enjoy them? Is it really so wrong, I mean he still gets the enjoyment of talking to a "beautfiul woman" in his mind, and I get my mental punching bag/whet stone. It's a sick exchange, but thats life in my eyes.
Before I found this kid, I would just look for vulnerable girls that I knew in real life. I pitty sexual predators, they are so pathetic. Driven by these animal desires, they disgust me. I look for the warmth of a human spirit, just to feel it. The hapiness of someone, the anguish, the sarcasm. The scale of emotion is the true beauty in the Human race, not only physical appearance. I'm sure you've met one of these "predators," maybe just a really attractive guy who dated just for sex. I would compare him to an enraged ape entering the louve, and smashing all of the beautiful paintings just for the enjoyment of smashing them. I would then compare myself to a master thief, slipping in quietly, silently, and stealing the Mona Lisa to enjoy in my home. We both leave the Louve in ruins, but for completely different reasons. I never started talking to a girl thinking "hehe I'm going to totally 4pool this girl's moral core!", but it always ends in that. We start off as great friends, progress to me being superior and her subservient, climaxing in me telling her that our relationship was never real to me in the first place. I've never stolen a girl's virginity, so I shouldn't feel bad right? I only built up supports just to tear them down. God I feel like such shit for being who I am.
I apologise for being who I am TL.net, I'm really just looking for hapiness.