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Be forewarned.. This is going to be a long post.
Love..
What is it, an emotion? An action? My parents told me this the morning of leaving for university, "Endymion, we met each other in our freshman year in school. There is a very good chance that you could meet your future wife today, or tomorrow. Keep your eyes open!" Now to be honest I assume that they meant it as a joke to take the edge of moving out off, but it has stuck with me until this day. I've always been fasinated with the idea of "true love" found in novels and movies, the perfect hapiness that people get out of their relationships. I always think "Gosh, if only I could be like Tom Cruise. I could be happy finally." I brought it up to my Mom one day, asking her what she thought about true love. She said "Endymion, true love is really more of a guide line. A goal to shoot for. It's like pursuing perfection, you'll never obtain it. Eventually you'll either die, or settle for less than perfection." So what the hell is love between us humans, us starcraft players. Just elevated friendship? I suppose so. I take a lot of enjoyment from my friendships, so I assume that an elevated friendship would only bring more hapiness. It just feels like a let down from what I wanted, a real connection. A true connection.
So there's this girl.. How many sentances have you read on TL.net starting with that phrase? I have two girls who I consider to be "friends" of mine at my university, meaning I would actually confide myself in them. One of them is taken, and I know that both she and her boyfriend cheat on each other. The other has a broken arm, lost cell phone, wisdom teeth coming in, and may possibly have leukimia (she is being scanned on tuesday), did I mention this has all happened within the last week? Boy, I sure know how to pick them. A moral deliquent, and the most unlucky girl on the face of the planet. Now comes the all important question from my mind, "Endymion, why do you like these girls?!" They make me happy. The moral deliquent makes me laugh and smile, she reminds me of myself. And she is with some guy who is just as big of an ass as I am. Hurts, right? Whatever. On to Miss leukimia, why do I like her? At first it was because she made me feel REALLY good about myself (just because of how much of complete wreck her life is compared to mine..), but then it really became cloudier.. I started helping her piece her life together. She needed help studying for her economics exam, I was there for multiple hours. It cut into my starcraft time on multiple occasions. I gave her compliments just to see her face light up, not because I cared about her feelings. I helped her because it was a game to me, a real life game of starcraft. Then something I didn't expect to happen, happened. She skipped a business class that we take together, and messaged me on facebook "can't make it to bcor, i'll meet you outside of the math building so that we can walk to econ together." I walked outside after the class, and she was sitting there, face in hands. Cold as ever, I said "Hey, ready to go?" I really didn't think she would be bawling her eyes out at the entrance of a 300 person lecture hall. She stood up, and we started walking. She was still crying "My hand.. hurts.. so much! I can't take this anymore!". I didn't know how to respond, I had no experience with someone crying without me intentionally causing it. I thought about what true love would have done in this situation.. If it had been a movie, Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise would have put their arm around her, and said something romantic. I knew this, but I couldn't do it. I just stared at her while we walked, enthralled by this enourmous display of emotion. I didn't feel bad though. I felt like I was watching a live match between two koreans. I was analytical, cold, and distant. What is wrong with me, I feel bad for her but most of it is completely her fault. What was I meant to say, "I'm sorry your arm hurts, but it's your fault. You shouldn't skateboard after taking multiple shots. Your an idiot." No, I knew I couldn't. I lied. "Ohh don't worry, I'm sure it'll get better soon! It's only uphill from here! (lol ignore that your failing multiple classes, no worries.)" But I could never do what she did. Cry in public. The only people that have ever seen me cry are my immediate family, and even that is rare. She did, literally, the complete opposite of what I would myself do. And it was fantasic, I felt more alive next to her that day than I have in months. I love the fact that I can nurture her, care for her, and that she actually cares. The emotion is her way of telling me that she cares, and it's better than anything else in the world to me. Smiles are priceless.
Life..
Lol. What a broad topic to write about huh. I think I'm a sociopath. You know what I do in my free time besides play Starcraft? Well, TL.net, let me tell you. I study people on the internet. No, not people I know. Annonomys people. Omegle.com, MormanChat, ect. However, a few months ago I picked up a permenant client. I was on a pornstar's myspace (lol..) reading the comments no less. A guy commented "hey, angela, here is my number, call me!" In my head I was like "Wow, this must be his first day on the internet or something.. give me a break, how desperate can you get." I added him, pretending to be a girlfriend of the pornstar. He believed me, and I have talked to him ever since. You know that shitty feeling you have if you get cheesed a few times in a row? Ever feel like you just want to kick someone into the dirt, and watch them writhe around mentally? I do. He is my mental punching bag, and under the guise of a beautiful woman I am slowly corroding away his self-esteem. It's so easy to identify weak points in his psyche, he is a 22 year old highschool drop out, no GED. I don't feel bad though, everytime I speak to him I expect him to be like "haha, this has all been a joke to me! I know your just some guy in Colorado!" but he never does. How ignorant and blind can people be, I can't enlighten them all. So why not enjoy them? Is it really so wrong, I mean he still gets the enjoyment of talking to a "beautfiul woman" in his mind, and I get my mental punching bag/whet stone. It's a sick exchange, but thats life in my eyes.
Before I found this kid, I would just look for vulnerable girls that I knew in real life. I pitty sexual predators, they are so pathetic. Driven by these animal desires, they disgust me. I look for the warmth of a human spirit, just to feel it. The hapiness of someone, the anguish, the sarcasm. The scale of emotion is the true beauty in the Human race, not only physical appearance. I'm sure you've met one of these "predators," maybe just a really attractive guy who dated just for sex. I would compare him to an enraged ape entering the louve, and smashing all of the beautiful paintings just for the enjoyment of smashing them. I would then compare myself to a master thief, slipping in quietly, silently, and stealing the Mona Lisa to enjoy in my home. We both leave the Louve in ruins, but for completely different reasons. I never started talking to a girl thinking "hehe I'm going to totally 4pool this girl's moral core!", but it always ends in that. We start off as great friends, progress to me being superior and her subservient, climaxing in me telling her that our relationship was never real to me in the first place. I've never stolen a girl's virginity, so I shouldn't feel bad right? I only built up supports just to tear them down. God I feel like such shit for being who I am.
I apologise for being who I am TL.net, I'm really just looking for hapiness.
 
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Interesting. Pretending to be a girl on the internet is nothing new, as tl.net well knows  .
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Pro-tip: You're a fucking sociopath and should seek help.
Pro-tip #2: The feelings one gains from genuinely caring and helping someone are way better then the ones you gain from feeding off of their life force/emotions like some fucking Edward Cullen wannabee.
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Meh, you just hate yourself so you invent grandiose ideas of what reality is. Try not being a prick and you might find happiness, If you say you can't stop then you are nothing more than a grown child that can't control his emotions.
Edit: Totally didn't mean to quote the blog entry :/
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nothing wrong doing what you're doing. it doesn't hurt anyone, and they are gonna forget about you after a couple days anyway. Not that I condone it though.
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Love, Life and Hapiness are all relative matters and nothing is really set in stone. Whatever makes you feel happy is your form of happiness, even if it might seem weird to other people. I for one, doesnt party whatsoever, I dont drink, I dont smoke, I have never had sex nor have I ever been in a serious relationship. But I dont complain, Im perfectly fine with my life. Im happy.
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On November 07 2010 18:45 wxwx wrote:
nothing wrong doing what you're doing. it doesn't hurt anyone, and they are gonna forget about you after a couple days anyway. Not that I condone it though.
lol, what are you talking about?
He said he '4pools [their] moral core.'
That sounds ...hurtful.
I don't think tearing down supports that you built yourself is any better than tearing ones down that were already there. It's the same thing.
Sorta feel bad for that MySpace guy, too, but I guess it's not all bad. As long as he's happy, right?
But please, stay away from Leukemia girl. The poor thing's got enough shit going on right now. If she does end up having it, she'll have enough shit to deal with. Something like a '4pool on her moral core' could devastate her. :/
Maybe you should go volunteer at like a hospital or something?
You seem to be pretty heartless, yet you enjoy making people feel good. There'll be plenty of people to care for and nurture!
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"I always think "Gosh, if only I could be like Tom Cruise. I could be happy finally."
He's not a sociopath. He gets off on pathetic little things to make up for the emptiness in his life. Even this, posting a "oooh I'm a master thief in the louvre of women's souls sorry TL" shit is a cheap thrill.
I'm not saying this because I'm hating on him, he's very clearly more to be censured than pitied. Actual sociopaths neither need to gloat to others, nor confess their sins, or anything along those lines.
"4 pool on her moral core" lol you're idiotic. "Look at me, I am not confined by the moral strictures of you lesser mortals!"
What is wrong with me, I feel bad for her but most of it is completely her fault. What was I meant to say, "I'm sorry your arm hurts, but it's your fault. You shouldn't skateboard after taking multiple shots. Your an idiot." No, I knew I couldn't. I lied. "Ohh don't worry, I'm sure it'll get better soon! It's only uphill from here! (lol ignore that your failing multiple classes, no worries.)" But I could never do what she did. Cry in public. The only people that have ever seen me cry are my immediate family, and even that is rare. She did, literally, the complete opposite of what I would myself do. And it was fantasic, I felt more alive next to her that day than I have in months. I love the fact that I can nurture her, care for her, and that she actually cares. The emotion is her way of telling me that she cares, and it's better than anything else in the world to me. Smiles are priceless.
This is the lamest thing I've ever heard. What are you, 15?
Seriously, get a real girlfriend or learn how to pick up women at bars like everyone else. You're not a master thief, you're a predator preying on the easiest of easy pickings for emotional feedback which you so desperately lack. You're no more heartless than the average emotionally retarded selfish brat, you just have delusions of grandeur.
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Great post... Sometimes I'm in the same situation as you are with the "broken" girl ( kinda rude to say) And I have the same problems as you to react. We're not Brad Pitt, let's face it ! Even though we look better :D
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On November 07 2010 18:27 Bac wrote:
Pro-tip: You're a fucking sociopath and should seek help.
Pro-tip #2: The feelings one gains from genuinely caring and helping someone are way better then the ones you gain from feeding off of their life force/emotions like some fucking Edward Cullen wannabee.
This a million times. Jesus Christ.
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United States12607 Posts
On November 07 2010 18:04 Endymion wrote:
Your an idiot.
This always kills me.
As for your post, props for being honest, I guess. The self-satisfaction you get from crushing women will inflate your ego for a while, until you realize that because people around you have spent their time forming meaningful relationships, you're actually relatively lonely and alone. That might be painful.
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I only read the part about love, it seemed rather crazy. I think you don't know what you want yet and simply need to experience a relationship first, a lot of your text is just some senseless rambling that doesn't mean much at all. It's about love but you've never experienced love? You wrote about some girl that lit you up for a moment while she cried, that's okay but how does it have anything to do with love?
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On November 07 2010 18:27 Bac wrote:
Pro-tip: You're a fucking sociopath and should seek help.
Pro-tip #2: The feelings one gains from genuinely caring and helping someone are way better then the ones you gain from feeding off of their life force/emotions like some fucking Edward Cullen wannabee. Sociopaths can't empathise at all and don't have a moral compass. Infact if this guy isn't a troll he is most likley the oppositei of a sociopath having some serious issues with dealing with his own emotions.
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I'm not an expert in love, but i'll just note two things which you might already be aware of. You speak of love in the first paragraph, but it is entirely centered around yourself. Which is not wrong or anything, I just dont think that is the type of love you are looking for. But you are aware of it, and you are honest about it, which are good qualities.
Second, you're reference for "true happiness" is tom cruise and the movies. Which sounds like you dont know what you are looking for.
Putting it in starcraft terms, i believe you have a build-order that you've been using with other people, and it has gained you some wins, but also some losses. Normally, if this was the case in scbw or sc2, you could seek help by learning how to optimize your build order, from resources like day9 and other podcasts/liquipedia, but people rarely look for a day9 quality podcaster on human relationships.
Your mom speaks of seeking the unattainable perfection of "true love". The perfection of "the best starcraft player ever" is an unattainable goal, but it is what people are perusing for when they ladder and compete. That said, there is a world of difference from the people who play sc2 occasionally, and BoxeR making a comeback in sc2. Neither of them are perfect, but one puts a shit ton of effort into attaining that perfection. Both eventually "settle for less," but what they settle for is on entirely different levels.
I have learned a lot about personal relationships from listening to podcasts, and then going out and trying different theories. If you are serious about perusing perfection in relationships, I would suggest you check out This Audio Book and other relationship podcasts on the website. I've found it very helpful myself. And, lets just say it has scored me a higher place in the ladder than i've been before :p
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EPT
