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This is going to be a long post, so be prepared. It's pretty much a detail of my life for the last who knows how long. I'll be up front, I didn't nearly die because of a cool car accident or anything. I wanted to kill myself. Not in the attention seeking kind of way, but in the nothing fucking matters, I cannot feel anything, sort of way.
I guess this tale begins as far back as middle school. Going to a new school, I found myself unable to socialize easily. For the most part, I did not even want to. I remember on several occasions where pretty girls tried to be my friend and I basically turned them down. On to high school, this problem continued. In addition, I began to have frequent mood swings from "normal" to seriously depressed. I felt that nothing mattered, and at times I wanted to close myself off from everyone. The few friends that I did have, I always shut them out. I did not tell anyone about my sadness, because in a way I wanted to feel the way that I did. I did not want to be fixed. Did not deserve it.
Eventually I met these two girls: E and L. L had a crush on me, and despite knowing nothing about her, I decided to give it a shot. I mean, hey, if she likes me, things could be good, right? Turns out she was pretty nuts. Lasted a few months, the most we did was hold hands. She wanted to save her first kiss for marriage. Much later, she would deny that we ever dated, and consider that to be a "dark period" of her life when she was immature. Because I was an atheist, there was always something wrong with me, and I needed to change, according to her. She also accused me of using her for her car. (I could walk home, but I asked to ride with her a few times as a way to spend time together outside of school.) Looking back, she pretty much treated me like crap.
Then there was her best friend E. I found her bubbly, absolutely positive attitude to be incredibly attractive. I liked her, and let her know that I wanted to date. She was the only girl I honestly liked in that way in high school. She did not feel that way about me. And that was okay. That feeling never went away, but being friends was alright. I bought her birthday gifts. One year, she really liked the gift.
I'd often push her away, though. Resentful that she didn't like me, sometimes. Sometimes, I just wanted to close myself off from everyone. Some friends often said that I just needed to open up, but I couldn't. They could see something was wrong, but I would not talk about it.
At first, in high school, I did poorly in my classes. I didn't really give a crap about them. They were boring. Language arts was bullshit, still think it is. Reading shitty short stories that people wrote ages ago with repetitive morals and then giving some interpretation that is almost always opinionated and meaningless. Ironic that I became an English major later on. Anyways, in my junior year, I signed up for a lot of AP classes, and things got interesting. In my senior year, I got an A in nearly every class, with the highest grade in the class for Calculus. It was my competitive nature that drove it. Life was meaningless to me, so I didn't try in school for my own benefit... just because the competition was fun. Math was like a puzzle. And I had a talent for writing. I had one of the highest grades in AP Lit, as well. Go me. And yet my depression got worse in senior year instead of better. The more I learned of philosophy, the more the world seemed like a bitter, dark place.
I played Warcraft 3 during high school, and developed an online persona that was... different. I played the game solely to humiliate my opponents. I loved to insult them, get a rise out of them. Their misery made me feel a sense of pleasure. I was perhaps one of the most hateful war3 players that I knew. I had a talent at the game, yet instead of playing competitively in the ladder, I spent my days playing people in the chat channels that liked to talk trash, and silencing them. I was never good enough to be at the top, but good enough to do that. I'm sure I sound like a lot of other immature kids. I had a lot of rage inside.
Then I went to college. My grandfather died. He had all the answers. Things were meaning less everyday. In college, I spent my days either in class or at my computer all day. Playing WoW. Raiding for purple pixels. Validating myself through how much dps I did. 40 man guilds were a very negative environment looking back. There were the people that did well, the elitists. They were better than everyone. I would eventually become like them, a little bit. I felt better than the bad players, but I didn't feel the need to point it out to them. The others did, though. No matter how well anyone did, there was always someone out there to call them a bad player. That was the nature of the game when everyone wanted some reason to justify why they deserved loot the most.
I skipped class to have more time to play and level and raid. It was the beginning of a negative cycle. I was becoming a major recluse, and I hated being disturbed by even my roommate. I still talked to E thru email, and sometimes visited her. Talked to L sometimes, too. She'd always make plans to visit, and then cancel on me. That was nice. The excuse was nearly always a lie.
I off and on would quit WoW. I hated the game, but it filled an otherwise empty void in my life. My "normal" feeling began to turn into my depressed feeling. I was depressed almost all the time during my second year of college, and a feeling of normalcy was rare. I sometimes felt a little bit happy when I saw E, though.
Well, in my third year, I finally hit a breaking point. For the first time I am really trying to open up to E, and she doesn't want to deal with it. She doesn't know what I want her to say. I wanted help and didn't really know how to ask.
One day I say hey lovely, and she doesn't like it. I don't see what the big deal is, and tell her. Well, that caused an explosion. Then, there was a fuck you and a post on her livejournal to all her internet friends. I don't respect her, I'm draining her with all my negativity, ruining her life. I'm sucking away her soul, and she wants me to leave her alone. Her life sucks and she feels like crap, and it's all my fault. I'm ruining her life, apparently. We've been "friends" for seven years at this point.
At this point I broke, and was ready to kill myself. I couldn't even get out of bed anymore, I was failing my classes. My closest friend just kicked me out of her life. I wanted to die more than ever before. I was asking my friend whether a certain way of killing yourself would be a guarantee to die. He recommended getting a hardship withdrawal and seeing the school counselors. He saved my life. Thanks, Dave. I'd probably be a brain damaged vegetable right now otherwise.
I get help and the withdrawal. They prescribe me pills. The pills don't help, but I lie to myself and them. I say, of course they're helping. They keep upping the dosage, and I feel nothing. What's wrong with me isn't that I need medicine. It's that my life sucks, and I cannot see the point of life at all. I have almost no friends, my life is an internet video game.
I tell E that I got help, because I was feeling suicidal. I wanted her to know that I was getting help, and that we could be friends again, because I was going to be different. That I'd be better and not so negative. I wanted to fix myself so I could have my friend back. This kind of backfired, and I got more venom spewed my way. Now she was my rock, and she couldn't be my rock anymore, because it was draining her. She had to have her own life.
Retrospectively, this is not really true. She was not a rock in any sense. It was not her friendship keeping me afloat.... it was her venom that tipped me over the edge. When someone you consider your closest friend tells you that you ruined their life, it's kind of painful. Apparently, it made her a martyr, though, as all her friends gave her comfort that she had to deal with a creep like me.
Dropped out of college, playing wow all day in my parents house. My life was like for a while. Got kicked out of my guild because I'm a jerk. I'm not good with guilds. I hate how selfish people always end up there. I liked pvp better. Still hate wow.
I slept with a girl I just met. She dumped me right after. Great way to lose the v-card. Then I met my current fiance. She began to turn things good. Before that, let's go back to L, though.
So I went to L begging for help because everything was getting darker. I must have gone insane because she's completely nuts. I tell her I'm going to change, and she decides that the only way to do that is for me to find God. I become her pet project. I got the feeling she was using me to feel better about herself. Like she was saving me. Well, I tried to talk to her about moving on. I had a lot of resentment and hurt from E, and I thought talking about it would make things better.
I never asked her any questions about E, but eventually, she became disillusioned with her attempts to save me. Apparently, she wasn't making enough progress. She then accused me of using her to spy on E. She then told her friends that. I became creepy stalker guy. Huge bonus. Pretty sure that after that, E blocked all communications from me. Might have been before, dunno. I wrote emails begging for her to give me another chance sometimes, maybe she got tired of reading them. Either way, she just wanted me out of her life permanently, and there was nothing I could do about it.
My fiance was a great help to me. Just by having a tangible relationship with someone that really cared about how I felt, I was able to overcome depression. While I haven't returned to school yet, I have gotten a job. Over time, I have come to really like my co-workers, and feel good about putting in a hard days work and earning my pay check. I now live in my own place and pay my own bills, and have a very positive relationship with the only girl that I've ever truly loved.
I don't play WoW anymore, except occasionally to check out new talents. I don't even play sc2 much, either, although for a while there I made videos about how to play. I genuinely like my life now. I think being on my own has built a certain amount of character in me.
For those out there suffering from real depression: Your doctor is a licensed drug dealer. No matter what your story is, they want you to take pills to make it all go away. Pills might change your emotions, but it won't be real. If your life sucks, pills won't fix that. You have to do more. For me, a relationship and a place of my own were the two things I really needed. But you don't necessarily need a girlfriend, or your own place. Just someone to work through your problems, and make things better. Figure out what you want, and find ways to get it. It's never easy. At first I hated my job, because it was hard work. But when you do a good job and people thank you for it, it's worth it.
See ya.
 
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Yeah, tbh I don't think depression is something that can be treated with medicine, and I'm a biomedical engineer. Most people are depressed simply because, as you said, their life sucks.
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On October 23 2010 09:57 darkponcho wrote:
Yeah, tbh I don't think depression is something that can be treated with medicine, and I'm a biomedical engineer. Most people are depressed simply because, as you said, their life sucks.
Depression seems to me to be more of a result of internal circumstances than external circumstances. It really bothers me when people criticize the depressed because their lives aren't really terrible for that reason.
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Shinosai,
I LOVED your SC2 videos. They were a great help, some of the best out there. You could've been a very successful caster, I think.
I am disappointed that you stopped, but I guess you had your reasons @_@.
Good luck with every thing.
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At least you've had girls in your life, I'm sure there are a lot of people on TL who are involuntarily celibate. Hell, you've had social contact with some frequency, and some people lack even that.
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On October 23 2010 10:30 StarSense wrote:
At least you've had girls in your life, I'm sure there are a lot of people on TL who are involuntarily celibate. Hell, you've had social contact with some frequency, and some people lack even that.
I chat with the ladies. The ladies no like chat with me. FML.
Very good blog. Kinda made me sad about my own life but it was well written. I can relate to alot of it. lol.
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On October 23 2010 10:38 krndandaman wrote:
nice story, but im curious about a few things.
how did you meet your current fiance? how did you meet E and L in the first place?
if you turned into such a recluse, how'd you develop a relationship with them?
I'd like to add to this.
How'd you meet the girl that you lost your V-card to? what did you say to her? was she hot? details details details.
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On October 23 2010 10:38 krndandaman wrote:
nice story, but im curious about a few things.
how did you meet your current fiance? how did you meet E and L in the first place?
if you turned into such a recluse, how'd you develop a relationship with them?
I met my current fiance thru my brother, they went to the same college. I reconnected with her online a few months after I left college.
I met L because she had a crush on me and had one of her friends tell me so. I met E thru L. Although I was a recluse, I still had some friends. Just not many.
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On October 23 2010 09:57 darkponcho wrote:
Yeah, tbh I don't think depression is something that can be treated with medicine, and I'm a biomedical engineer. Most people are depressed simply because, as you said, their life sucks.
That's a very kind thing to say. Perhaps their life sucks because they're depressed? You're falling into a correlation-causation trap there.
As someone who struggles with depression myself, I would encourage others to seek counseling, maybe with medication. Studies show that counseling in combination with medication is the single most effective way to treat depression. There's an anti-drug sentiment out there, especially in connection with mental illness, but it really can be effective, although not for everyone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT has really helped me. I'm still working on things, but I've also made tremendous progress. The most important thing is to catch yourself before you let things get out of hand and seek help. It's a long process, but what's important is making continual progress!
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You don't have to answer, but how old are you now, or how old were you when you started feeling good about life? I ask because your story is very much like mine, only real difference being I haven't reached the feeling good about life yet, and I'm like 21 now  .
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On October 23 2010 10:40 NuKedUFirst wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2010 10:38 krndandaman wrote:
nice story, but im curious about a few things.
how did you meet your current fiance? how did you meet E and L in the first place?
if you turned into such a recluse, how'd you develop a relationship with them? I'd like to add to this. How'd you meet the girl that you lost your V-card to? what did you say to her? was she hot? details details details.
Well, the girl I lost my v-card to I met online thru facebook. Actually, this makes kind of a funny story. I had studied the "game" for a while, you know, how to pick up women. I wrote a profile that I guess made me sound like a decent guy, found her on an online dating application, and I said hey cutie what's up. She responded, wanted me to meet her right away, lol. Second time we met, she practically undid my pants. I doubt any of my "gaming" actually helped me, I think she just really wanted to get laid and I was a decent enough guy. Some girls just want to do it, and anyone that meets the criteria of "not a weirdo" gets it.
Yes, she was hot. Yea, I was lonely and wanted a girlfriend, but I have standards. I'd never sink so low as to do a fat chick or an ugly girl. Call me superficial, but I wanted someone that I was actually attracted to. Otherwise, how would I get it up?
As for my fiance, the gaming techniques actually worked. She had been in a relationship for like 3 years. She's like, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, I have a cat. Pretended the boyfriend didn't exist (or if brought up pretended he was amazing, after which she admitted her insecurities about the relationship). Pretty quickly I found out she was in a very unhappy relationship. While I am not in the business of stealing girls, if someone is in an unhappy relationship, I consider them fair game. 
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On October 23 2010 10:47 shinosai wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2010 10:40 NuKedUFirst wrote:On October 23 2010 10:38 krndandaman wrote:
nice story, but im curious about a few things.
how did you meet your current fiance? how did you meet E and L in the first place?
if you turned into such a recluse, how'd you develop a relationship with them? I'd like to add to this. How'd you meet the girl that you lost your V-card to? what did you say to her? was she hot? details details details. Well, the girl I lost my v-card to I met online thru facebook. Actually, this makes kind of a funny story. I had studied the "game" for a while, you know, how to pick up women. I wrote a profile that I guess made me sound like a decent guy, found her on an online dating application, and I said hey cutie what's up. She responded, wanted me to meet her right away, lol. Second time we met, she practically undid my pants. I doubt any of my "gaming" actually helped me, I think she just really wanted to get laid and I was a decent enough guy. Some girls just want to do it, and anyone that meets the criteria of "not a weirdo" gets it. Yes, she was hot. Yea, I was lonely and wanted a girlfriend, but I have standards. I'd never sink so low as to do a fat chick or an ugly girl. Call me superficial, but I wanted someone that I was actually attracted to. Otherwise, how would I get it up? As for my fiance, the gaming techniques actually worked. She had been in a relationship for like 3 years. She's like, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, I have a cat. Pretended the boyfriend didn't exist (or if brought up pretended he was amazing, after which she admitted her insecurities about the relationship). Pretty quickly I found out she was in a very unhappy relationship. While I am not in the business of stealing girls, if someone is in an unhappy relationship, I consider them fair game.
Well, there you have it folks. Just because there is a goalie in net doesn't mean you can't score :p I agree with you aswell. except its more like.. I like to think I have high standards but any ol' bitch will do. Well. Unless she is REALLY ugly.
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On October 23 2010 10:42 Kishkumen wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2010 09:57 darkponcho wrote:
Yeah, tbh I don't think depression is something that can be treated with medicine, and I'm a biomedical engineer. Most people are depressed simply because, as you said, their life sucks. That's a very kind thing to say. Perhaps their life sucks because they're depressed? You're falling into a correlation-causation trap there. As someone who struggles with depression myself, I would encourage others to seek counseling, maybe with medication. Studies show that counseling in combination with medication is the single most effective way to treat depression. There's an anti-drug sentiment out there, especially in connection with mental illness, but it really can be effective, although not for everyone. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT has really helped me. I'm still working on things, but I've also made tremendous progress. The most important thing is to catch yourself before you let things get out of hand and seek help. It's a long process, but what's important is making continual progress!
I know some people that CBT has really helped out, but I have serious skepticism about drugs. The thing of it is, a lot of doctors (the ones that can prescribe meds) don't even give a damn about your symptoms. They ask how you are feeling, diagnose the depression, and prescribe whatever flavor of the month antidepressant there is. And at first it may help because they tell you it will help, but I really think that's placebo talking. I think taking steps in reality is far more important than the pills.
Granted, maybe the meds really do help some people. But shouldn't there be at least some sort of investigation before they're prescribed? An attempt to determine whether the depression is caused by the "brain" versus being caused by external factors? In my experience, there wasn't. On the exact same day I went in, they prescribed pills. And the next one prescribed them, too.
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On October 23 2010 10:44 Hyuzak wrote:You don't have to answer, but how old are you now, or how old were you when you started feeling good about life? I ask because your story is very much like mine, only real difference being I haven't reached the feeling good about life yet, and I'm like 21 now .
22.
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I'm happy that you're doing much better OP.
May I ask, where was your parents in all this?
You never once mentioned your parents and I'm curious since they can be a huge help against depression.
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A combination of pills and counselling is usually best for most people. For some, only therapy and changes in their life are needed, as it sounds like it was for you OP. For others, the problem can be simply medical and all they need is medication.
For a lot of people though it's a combination of both and I have to disagree with the end-note that somehow pills aren't going to help you if your life sucks. Yes, if your life-sucks pills aren't going to magically make it better. But if your life sucks and you genuinely require medication, then pills are a good first step, alongside therapy to sorting out both your life-problems and any medicinal problems you might have.
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yea I feel the same way as you just less severe maybe. The biggest conundrum I face is that the more I learn about nearly anything the more depressed I feel. I felt way happier about everything when I knew nothing. Your advice gives me the impression though that these are just the symptoms of just a bored up and coming individual in this world. I mean, you only questioned life when you had no job, wife, or a place of your own.
So does life have no meaning because I am bored or because logically it cant have any meaning and only bored people notice things like that? plz help seeking answers
actually nobody respond to th
is, it's fucking pointless as well
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yeah i wouldnt be depressed if i had a home or a job or a fiance or anything. pills have never helped with it and counseling is even more useless.
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So does life have no meaning because I am bored or because logically it cant have any meaning and only bored people notice things like that? plz help seeking answers
The 'meaning of life' is a bit of a misnomer. Might as well ask what the meaning of car is or the meaning of golf. I guess what people are asking when talking about life having no meaning is: what is the purpose of life? None that I know of. Perhaps the only thing universal enough to be considered the purpose of life is that we all seek happiness in one form or another. Everything that we do is driven by some sort of belief that it will better ourselves or others.
My theory is that when you have nothing, the lack of logical purpose in life becomes much more pronounced. Both being busy and being happy probably leave a lot less time to think of miserable topics such as the fact that nothing we do will ultimately matter. And really, what does our "ultimate" fate matter when we are living in the present?
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I feel a lot of empathy towards you OP. I know you probably don't think that we have that much in common, that's how I would feel if you were writing this to me after I spilled my guts here, but I feel like I do.
For those out there suffering from real depression: Your doctor is a licensed drug dealer. No matter what your story is, they want you to take pills to make it all go away. Pills might change your emotions, but it won't be real. If your life sucks, pills won't fix that. You have to do more. For me, a relationship and a place of my own were the two things I really needed. But you don't necessarily need a girlfriend, or your own place. Just someone to work through your problems, and make things better. Figure out what you want, and find ways to get it. It's never easy. At first I hated my job, because it was hard work. But when you do a good job and people thank you for it, it's worth it.
See ya.
I'm glad to hear that you made it.
I'm trying my best now. I work hard in school. Really hard. I hope that I can pass this year.
And for the first time in over a year, I have a crush. She's really brightened my outlook on life.
I hope my life can become similar to yours.
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On October 23 2010 10:15 SpicyCrab wrote:
Shinosai,
I LOVED your SC2 videos. They were a great help, some of the best out there. You could've been a very successful caster, I think.
I am disappointed that you stopped, but I guess you had your reasons @_@.
Good luck with every thing.
Agreed 100%. You brought me up to Plat from Gold in early beta thanks to your videos. I think you could've really done well with that.
Your doctor is a licensed drug dealer. No matter what your story is, they want you to take pills to make it all go away. Pills might change your emotions, but it won't be real. If your life sucks, pills won't fix that. You have to do more.
Really interesting point. I always felt that pills were kind of a cop-out, though I guess probably some people legitimately have a chemical imbalance that is the only cause of their depression.
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Wow, you know, reading how many people really liked my videos back in beta, it makes me want to start up again. =p Just know that I have to beat Majora's Mask first. And I'm also pretty rusty at sc2 
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I can so relate to you in a sense that I hate how there are always those arrogant egotistical brats in gaming communities (WoW, Dota, even Starcraft) that trash talk constantly. Especially in team-oriented games like Dota, people who rage at teammates just kills my taste for the game. Like you mentioned, it seems they play the game just to somehow make themselves a superior person in a fake world of games than they are in the real world. Their arrogance and cynicism just wear you out and drive you away from the game. It's one of the main reason why I don't play as much as I used to.
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Sorry dude but your life dont suck.
User was warned for this post
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Nice read. Good to know you got out of your depression .
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On November 03 2010 02:33 SlyinZ wrote:
Sorry dude but your life dont suck.
Okay, you're the expert. What are the exact qualifications needed for a life to suck or not suck? Remember, we're working with strict definitions here.
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On November 03 2010 00:12 shinosai wrote:Wow, you know, reading how many people really liked my videos back in beta, it makes me want to start up again. =p Just know that I have to beat Majora's Mask first. And I'm also pretty rusty at sc2
Pfftt... It will look better when you start off with rusty games and get better and better. =)
Was a good read, had some stuff that I could relate to. Glad to see you are doing better now.
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This post was absolutely beautiful and sad. Great read.
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I can relate.
I have struggled with depression for a long time. I had a breakdown at the beginning of the semester and had to drop out.
I am getting counseling and medication, and it is helping, but sometimes I feel like things will never get better. I'll just keep pressing on I guess.
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On November 03 2010 02:33 SlyinZ wrote:
Sorry dude but your life dont suck.
You can't really say that seeing how a life "sucking" or not is more dependent on how a person was born and raised, as this will probably affect how they take certain situations. Just because a) happens to me and makes me depressed it doesn't mean that a) will make you or someone else as depressed. Since we all take things in differently, this is more individualistic and subjective.
Yes you can say that if we were poor, without computers, starving to death in a 3rd world nation, that our lives would suck, yes maybe to us in the 1st world we would, but for them that's all they have, they might not know any better, and they might think their lives are great, while we view it completely differently.
@ OP: Happy to read about a blog where you came out on top after these things seem to impact you pretty negatively. Great job in getting out of a hole that many fall into and stay in. Also for fixing your life from when everything seemed pretty much dismal. 5/5
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The 'meaning of life' is a bit of a misnomer. Might as well ask what the meaning of car is or the meaning of golf. I guess what people are asking when talking about life having no meaning is: what is the purpose of life? None that I know of. Perhaps the only thing universal enough to be considered the purpose of life is that we all seek happiness in one form or another. Everything that we do is driven by some sort of belief that it will better ourselves or others.
My theory is that when you have nothing, the lack of logical purpose in life becomes much more pronounced. Both being busy and being happy probably leave a lot less time to think of miserable topics such as the fact that nothing we do will ultimately matter. And really, what does our "ultimate" fate matter when we are living in the present?
You should know by now that the purpose of life is to find the Good. =)
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I think I'm in a bit of a similar position though not as severe. By nature I'm more to avoid trash talking and conflict though there are times where I just go out and yell at people calling them stupid and what not (usually in DotA if they're on my team and just way too new to the game to be anywhere near good). When I play with internet friends it's a bit better as we use Ventrilo to talk. While our text seemed really angry, our voices were a completely different tone of "oh we have a noob how annoying". Still we ripped him a new one over it via text chat.
Still I feel like I'm at that point where I want help but don't know how to get it. There's that huge shyness barrier to go out and trust someone enough...and even when I do, I wouldn't know what to say. "I'm depressed please help me?" Sometimes I don't even known the reason why.
Blog was a pretty good read and I think I could benefit from a relationship like that but feels like I'm too immature to handle one. Like the people online that do talk to me carry on their own relationships and they bring it to the online world making me constantly feel like a third wheel regardless of where I am. Just that feeling of jealously over them getting that success and me getting nothing is really frustraiting and I know it's not a good thing. Still it's there and and it sucks.
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Man I remembered being a whiner when I was around 15 to 17, I started to appreciate my life when I almost lost my grandma (whom raised me from 0 to 19 years).. You have a great story for people kinda going through what you've been in. this is a good motivator or inspiration.
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EPT
