Submitted for your approval:
The Proper Way to Dismiss a Noob Asshole
by Bobcat
So here you are, a humble diamond player minding your own business eating your cornflakes when SURPRISE!!! Some obnoxious asshole starts mouthing off some ignorant shit. This is where my handy system of social espionage comes into play.
By following these simple steps, you will quickly have any mouthbreathing dickhurt thinking twice before they say stupid shit around you again.
1. Identify.
This step is the most important step. It is really less about the process of humiliating said ignorant cuntwaffle, and more about insuring yourself against being a jackass. Analyze what your target said carefully. Make sure that what they are saying is in fact ignorant nonsense, and not simply a misunderstanding on your part. The last thing you want to do is be a self righteous shithead who has no idea what he's talking about.
2. Compose
"If you know your enemy, and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of one hundred battles." -Dracula
Choose your introduction into the conversation carefully. A common introduction might be
Self Righteous Deusche (you): "Excuse me gentlemen, but I could not help overhearing your palaver. Do you fancy yourselves Starcraft players?"
Ballin Ass Daddy Pimp (terran player(shithead)): "LOL what do you know about SC2 noob!!!!"(notice the excessive use of excessive use of exclamation points this is the sign of a true alfa male, reference below)
http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/blogitems.php?site=disciple&page=43. Humility
"Speak softly, but carry a big stick" - Bill Cosby
The most important thing to remember in this part of the conversation, is that you are trying to establish a humble image to imply to your prey that you are not a very good starcraft player, and goad him into flaunting his great skillz even further.
SRD: "Oh im not anything special, I play the game with friends mostly."
BADP: "Yeah, I'm talking about mass marines. YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND" (caps lock is known by industry professionals to be cruise control for cool)
4. Call the Bluff
"I know what you're thinking right now... did I shoot five bullets or six?" Harriet Tubman
After you have allowed your sociopathic companion to boast to the point where you want to give him a friendly tap of the testes, resist, and instead drop a suddle comment questioning the god like masculinity of your opponent. The snaring of the trap is the most important part of the catch,
DO NOT let that fucker back down now.
SRD: "I'm not really sure that putting reapers in your bio-ball is a profitable investment."
If he continues to Boast:
BADP: "Yeah, I don't know man I'm pretty good at SC, I know what I'm talking about."
SRD: "Perhaps we should play a game then. So I could learn of your great ways?"
If he tries to back down:
BADP: "Yeah, I mean I can see why you would think that but it works pretty well in GOLD LEAGUE!"
SRD: "Actually, I think that in all of my time playing Starcraft, I've never heard a comment that was half as stupid as what you just suggested. In fact, you are a dumb sack of shit, and I could beat you and your friend with my left hand while my right is wrist deep in your mother's anus.
BADP: "......"
SRD: "Of course if you're not up to the challenge you can pussy out."
5. Dehumanize
At this point you must undress your opponents humanity. You are not trying to defeat another human at Starcraft, you are a man grasping an insect in mid flight and gracefully exstinguishing it's life. Your only goal in life is to outperform this individual so vastly, that they will never cross you again.
6. Bring Down the Thunder
"The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction." - Donald Trump
This step should be obvious. Out produce, outplay, and outsmart your opponent like he was a plat league cheese player. Dont be afraid to scout him a 9 supplies and keep your gatherer in their base, losing to bs is not an option for you.
7. Humiliate
"Justice is revenge. " -The Pope
Depending on which branch of the choose you're own adventure your opponent chose, there are two different ways to resolve this situation.
If he tried to back down, be nice, and give him the gg. Tell him that one day he may be able to play with you again.
If you let him be a deuschebag throughout the entire first half of the process, don't say anything until the next time you see him in class. Then let him know that his girlfriend can find you in the parking lot after 5th period.
EPT
