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I followed the advice you guys gave me in my previous thread and decided to write another (short, but fulfills the length requirement) essay on one of the old WPE questions (random pick) my university keeps on their website for student reference.
Here it is:
What does responsible citizenship mean today? What role should a university play, if any, in promoting responsible citizenship?
+ Show Spoiler [My Response] +In today's standards, being a responsible citizen implies being an individual whom understands and follows society's ethical and moral guidelines, both implicit and stated. The role a university can play on this subject matter can be rather influential, especially since it is the place where young professionals are trained.
This world is ran by educated people, technology, science and by trained professionals whom are required to stick to a code of ethics according to their field of expertise. Failure to follow the rules, regardless of one's awareness about them or not, can result in harsh punishments being undertook, such as losing one's license to practice. A university can help its students in this area by requiring them to join or learn about well-known associations relevant to their career choice. These, more often than not, have a code of ethics which has to be followed by all of its members for the sake of their membership and reputation.
Companies, organizations and similar entities composed of many, many people help promote a sense of responsibility in their personnel by putting them to work together. Group projects are often accomplished by the breaking up of main, critical tasks amongst its members which are then brought together in a divide-and-conquer fashion. In this scenario, a group member’s sense of responsibility to do his or her job is heightened given that he plays a critical role in the success of the team. A university can likewise re-create such a scenario by gathering its students major-wise and putting them to work on semester-long projects meant to accomplish various lasting goals.
Responsible citizenship is a trait that’s built up in an individual’s character since the moment he or she is born. The majority of our ethical values are learned as children through the elementary school system and our parental figures. A university’s role, however, is that of refining and clarifying those values to a point where we can genuinely understand their nature and essence, so that we may be the well-educated, ethical and responsible professionals of the future.
Compared to the garbage I wrote for an essay last time, where does this one stand? Also:
Poll: Would you consider this essay "proficient"?No (38) 88% Yes (5) 12% 43 total votes Your vote: Would you consider this essay "proficient"? (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Note: I didn't write much because I truly didn't have that many ideas on this topic and I didn't want to cheat by picking another random question!
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It's significantly better than the first one but still has many flaws.
Responsible citizenship is a trait that’s built up in an individual’s character since the moment he or she is born.
^ that part seems like complete BS though.
Also in an essay that size I wouldn't use the word "professionals" 3 times.
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This is way better than the last one. 
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Only read the first few words, already found a mistake.
It's either "In today's world" or "By today's standards" but not both.
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Be more direct and confident in the things you write. You shouldn't overqualify statements. For example, this is how I would change your intro.
In today's standards, being a responsible citizen implies being an individual whom understands and follows society's ethical and moral guidelines, both implicit and stated. The role a university can play on this subject matter can be rather influential, especially since it is the place where young professionals are trained.
Being a responsible citizen means being an individual who understands and follows society's ethical and moral guidelines, both implicit and stated. The role a university plays is highly influential, as it is the place professionals are trained.
+ Show Spoiler +If that sounds awkward:
To be a responsible citizen means to be an individual who understands and follows the ethical and moral guidelines implied and stated by society.
then either... 'For many people, university is a place where they learn such guidelines' or 'university is a place where such guidelines are formed' or both or whatever... It's kind of unclear what you're arguing.
There are still problems with this... It's not a particularly interesting argument. It's good that you start by defining what a responsible citizen is, but I think you need to list a few ways in which you think university plays said highly influential role, which will guide the rest of your paper. Try not to be too wordy... They won't be marking you for how many pages you write. They'll be ticking off how many points you make, and putting a checkmark beside each one (and a checkmark beside each support for your point). If one point takes you an entire paragraph to make, your grade will reflect that. The length guideline is just their approximation of how long it will take to make enough points in a concise paper.
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i'm not an expert but your commas and shit are all fucked up.
It is like you writing the way you speak. It's not well-written at all.
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I haven't read your last one, but are you submitting that essay?
there are lots of grammatical errors i can fix for you
yes, no?
heh
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On June 26 2010 04:19 Nal_rAwr wrote:
I haven't read your last one, but are you submitting that essay?
there are lots of grammatical errors i can fix for you
yes, no?
heh
It's practice. He has to write it in person I think.
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ah well, i guess i should still help him with his grammar then
seriously, aside from the 209342 grammatical errors, the essay deviates a little and it really isn't that good at all
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On June 26 2010 04:00 EsX_Raptor wrote:
Based on today's standards, being a responsible citizen means (implies is weak) being an individual who (improper use of "whom") understands and follows society's ethical and moral guidelines, both implicit and stated. The role a university can play on this subject matter can be rather influential, especially since school ("it" refers to "role" in this sentence) is the place where young professionals are trained. (Professionals aren't trained. Young people are trained to become professionals.) Revise
This world is run by educated people, technology (personification?), science and (no "by" - paralellism) trained professionals who are required to stick to a code of ethics according to their field of expertise. (Ethics doesn't vary based on a field. Revise) Failure to follow the rules, regardless of one's intentions, can result in harsh punishments being laid out, such as the revoking of one's license to practice. A university can help its students in this area by requiring them to join or learn about well-known associations relevant to their career choice. These, more often than not, have a code of ethics (not ethics) which has to be followed by all of its members for the sake of their membership and reputation.
Companies, organizations and similar entities composed of many (repetition is slang and unnecessary, like how writers should never put multiple adjacent exclamation points in an essay) people help promote a sense of responsibility in their personnel by making them work together. Group projects are often accomplished by the breaking up of main, critical tasks amongst its members which are then brought together in a divide-and-conquer fashion. In this scenario, a group member’s sense of responsibility to do his or her job is heightened given that he plays a critical role in the success of the team. A university can likewise re-create such a scenario by gathering its students major-wise and putting them to work on semester-long projects meant to accomplish various lasting goals.
Responsible citizenship is a trait that is (avoid using contractions) built in an individual’s character since the moment he or she is born. The majority of ethical values are learned as children through the elementary school system and our parental figures.Unclear sentence A university’s role, however, is to refine and clarify those values to a point where people can genuinely understand their nature and essence, so that students may be the well-educated, ethical and responsible professionals of the future.
ehh sorry i didn't get all of it, and i only corrected some grammar and didn't really talk about what you should focus on writing about, but i got kind of tired
anyways i think your major grammatical errors revolve around "it" pronoun referencing errors, and couple idioms and stuff
i like to use contractions if it makes the tone soudn better, but i've been told it's bad to use contractions in essays, so you should avoid
if you got some free time try checking out an essay-writing book, because even though this might sound boring, the people who write these books sometimes write really easy-to-read guides that are awesome
oh yeah
Wikipedia (ftw) wrote:
Ethics (also known as moral philosophy) is a branch of philosophy that addresses questions about morality—that is, concepts such as good and bad, noble and ignoble, right and wrong, justice, and virtue.
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dude what school do you go to that this would suffice as an essay?
this wouldn't even count as an essay at my High School, I'm really lost here. But definitely follow what Nal_Rawr is correcting cuz he's right on
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It kind of seems like a poorly written.. "essay".. and you just chucked a bunch of words into a thesaurus.
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Good work rAwr,
You should be thankful towards him; rAwr did a great job in editing your work.
If it were me, I would scrap it completely because that isn't an essay. It's a speech.
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FYI responsible citizenship typically refers to voting in elections, and keeping informed about politics and the state of your nation and the world. It doesn't really have much to do with trades.
Look up citizenship... It basically means the right to vote, although it also encompasses things like community work and bettering the nation as a whole. So they probably expect you to talk about 'should universities send out fliers encouraging students to vote, should professors warn students of upcoming elections, should classes talk about politics? In many of my classes, this is exactly what happens But you might argue university shouldn't have a place in politics, and thus shouldn't interfere.
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I'd have to agree and say this essay isn't well written as well. There's something about your sentence structure and word choice that makes your ideas seem convoluted and unfocused. Maybe less comma usage, I dunno.
An example: A university’s role, however, is that of refining and clarifying those values to a point where we can genuinely understand their nature and essence, so that we may be the well-educated, ethical and responsible professionals of the future.
---> A university can refine and clarify those values to promote understanding on their place within practical society. ( I really do not like the original sentence lol, its kinda hokey). In turn, this knowledge can help produce well-educated, ethical, and responsible professionals of the future.
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You need to learn proper grammar. On the internet you can get away with it, but in an academic paper, poor grammar it has a huge negative impact. Try reading academic works to get some idea of what flows well.
Try to be more direct about the points that you are trying to make. While reading, I was confused about what you were going on about a lot of the time. It seemed you didn't really know what to write and were just writing whatever came to your mind. This is a really bad way about writing academic papers. You need to be able to organise yourself in a logical manner so the reader can understand your structure and follow along your thought path.
(I voted no in your poll. Sorry, but this really isn't up to university standards (it is better than your last one however))
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". A university’s role, however, is that of refining and clarifying those values to a point where we can genuinely understand their nature and essence, so that we may be the well-educated, ethical and responsible professionals of the future."
Don't end with such a shitty sentence that doesn't clearly resolve the question. Is it a university's job to teach morality? Not in the slightest. Are students bound by a code of conduct and ethics by applying? Certainly. University's primary purpose is to deliver multiple sorts of higher education and maintain academic integrity. The family and your community interperlate your morals upon you.
Also you have a lot of comma splices. If you have an independant clause after a comma then it should be a semi-colon or a period.
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It's so easy to criticize.
That said I think you should rewrite the essay while pretending to be blonde. Write a simple essay about what citizenship means to you.
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Responsibilities or duties of citizenship
The legally enforceable duties of citizenship vary depending on one's country, and may include such items as:[9]
* paying taxes
* serving on a jury
* Voting
* serving in the country's armed forces when called upon
* obeying the criminal laws enacted by one's government, even while abroad[10]
This is taken from wikipedia. Once again you didn't even address the question that was being asked. Read and re-read the question to make sure you know what it's asking. Underline the important words even.
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Advice that have yet to fail me, before you write anything, go read a few excerpts from authors you like and authors that are praised for having a powerful writing style. Doesn't have to be long, just a few of the best quotes from their books, don't memorize it or analyze it, just read them. Then write the essay, does wonders for your writing style. (well, did for me cept the one time I decided to read faulkner quotes)
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This is academic writing not the interwebz you need proper grammar. Who ever you had as a high english teacher and any teacher of an english class you took in college completly failed you. I am sorry, but in order to pass this test your going to really need to work on your writing
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Props for putting your work out there, I would be way too scared to read the comments.
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Well, it's better, but still pretty bad. I think Chef's comments are most helpful so far.
Might be helpful to think of your paper in outline form. Here's what yours currently looks like:
I. In this area, you generally want to define the grounds for which your argument applies, a little introduction, etc. So you've started out by answering the first question, which is good.
a. Define responsible citizenship:
being an individual whom understands and follows society's ethical and moral guidelines, both implicit and stated.
Okay. As Chef pointed out responsible citizenship means something different than being a responsible member of society, but sometimes people will let you slide even if you've misread the prompt. But I suppose that we can pretend that responsible citizenship = being responsible at your job, since the crux of the matter is how you argue your thesis.
b. Thesis: This is where you should answer the second question. Generally speaking the easiest kind of positions to write are as if you treat the prompt as a yes/no question, since it should be easy to generate support for both sides, and because you don't really have that much time to write a nuanced response. In our pretend-prompt, we have the question, "Should a university train students to be responsible members of the workforce, Y/N?" Kind of a no-brainer to answer yes, but again let's pretend...
The role a university can play on this subject matter can be rather influential, especially since it is the place where young professionals are trained.
Problem - your thesis is vague, and thus hard to defend. The question asks for what role SHOULD the university play, not what role it COULD play, though based on your following paragraphs it becomes more clear.
II. Supporting arguments (paraphrased):
a. Colleges can provide venues about learning the ethics of how to be a responsible professional so students can avoid being fired in the future.
b. Colleges can provide experience for students to learn how work is done in the real world so it will be easier for them.
Okay... colleges CAN do these things, but why should they? I mean it's pretty easy to infer some conclusions from your discussion, but it's your job as the author of the essay to lead them from point A to point B. Still, it's kind of bad that both your points aren't actually arguments for but examples of what colleges can do - they answer HOW not WHY, and when you really think about it they're the same thing, "colleges can encourage students to do X". This isn't a how-to-guide, it's an argumentative paper.
III. Conclusion:
Responsible citizenship is a trait that’s built up in an individual’s character since the moment he or she is born. The majority of our ethical values are learned as children through the elementary school system and our parental figures. A university’s role, however, is that of refining and clarifying those values to a point where we can genuinely understand their nature and essence, so that we may be the well-educated, ethical and responsible professionals of the future. Content of the first sentence was NEVER discussed in your paper. It feels like a new point in your argument/discussion, yet it isn't treated as such, so it feels very out-of-place. Moreover, if we wanted to get into debating over the content, you could really argue that it's the responsibility of the employers based on that single sentence. Again, since this is the conclusion, the reader should feel like you've discussed WHY you think your thesis is true, not HOW your thesis could be accomplished. Unfortunately, you don't accomplish this.
+ Show Spoiler +
If you really want to think about it, you can do some (lol) logic here. This is a bit more simplified than the prompt above, but it is essentially asking if you think universities should play a role in educating students about responsible citizenship.
Prompt: What do you think about X? Do you think X is good/bad/somewhere in-between?
I. I think X is good/bad, if by X you mean Y.
II. X provides A, which is good/bad. It also does B and makes C, which are also good/bad.
III. Since A, B, and C are all good/bad, and X provides A, B, C, then by transitivity X is good/bad.
If you're having trouble you can think of dumb Y/N questions and arguing each viewpoint. Is there such a thing as too much pie? You tell me.
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EPT
