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Don't Be Yourself?

Blogs > MourningWould
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MourningWould
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
United States110 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-01 00:07:09
May 01 2010 00:06 GMT
#1
I read a pretty interesting article today after a friend recommended it. Needless to say, my initial reaction was one of disgust and even contempt. Who the fuck this dude think he is going around telling people what to do?

+ Show Spoiler +
By Allen Thompson

Every day I'm emailed tons of tips and articles. Every day I read hundreds of new posts in the SoSuave Discussion Forum. Every day I surf the net looking for the latest, greatest relationship info. Every day I read books and magazines about dating, relationships, and women.
I see it all. The basic. The advanced. The good. The bad. And the ugly. Man, do I see a lot of the ugly!
Undoubtedly, the most common tip I see, whether it's in an article written by some famous relationship guru, or a post to a discussion group by some 15-year old hs freshman... is JUST BE YOURSELF.
If sheer volume were any indication of quality, then this tip would surely be in the girl-gettin Hall of Fame.
Unfortunately, volume is no indication of quality when it comes to relationship advice. In fact, much of the time it's just the opposite. "Just Be Yourself" is the one tip I'll never use. Not at the web site. Not in the newsletter. Not anywhere.
Just be yourself (abbreviated JBY from now on - because I'm a lazy typer) is a dangerous or, at the very least, counter-productive tip for a number of reasons.
Be Very Careful Whose Advice You Follow

JBY is the advice you're most likely to receive from someone who has no clue about how women, dating, and relationships work.
It doesn't matter if that person is male or female, young or old, single or married — it's the stock relationship answer when one doesn't know or can't think of anything else to say... but doesn't want to seem as clueless as he/she actually is.
Ask your buddy what women want, or your mother, or your minister, or Dr. Expert. They'll probably hit you with some version of JBY. Why? Not because it's the correct answer, but because they themselves have no idea what women want.
But they have to say something, right? And besides, they've been hearing JBY for their entire lives. It must be the right answer. How could something be so prevalent, and be wrong?
As a side benefit, JBY is also an answer which allows the advice-giver to feel a sense of smugness or superiority... as if simply seeking relationship advice in the first place is somehow indicative of lower intelligence or underdeveloped social skills. And oh how people like to feel smug!
But what happens if you press them a little, ask for more details? Tell them that you've been "just being yourself" your entire life and it's pretty much gotten you nowhere at all with women. In fact, you haven't even had a date in 2 years.
What about that?
At this point they'll probably shovel you the stock follow-up answer — "You just have to be patient and eventually you'll meet someone who's right for you."
Oh, and don't forget, "And if it doesn't work out between you and her, than it wasn't meant to be."
Be Yourself — Patience — Faith

Be yourself - patience - faith. That's about the extent of the advice you're likely to receive.
I consider this to be utterly Ridiculous !!
What kind of advice or help is this to a person who's been struggling with women his whole life? A person who goes on one date every 6 months... and never gets a second date? A person who's lonely, depressed, unhappy? A person who's obviously doing something wrong but has no idea what it might be?
Rather than simply JBYing, and waiting patiently, and having faith, perhaps it would be more beneficial if the troubled person would decide to TAKE CHARGE and actively create the kind of life he wants. To learn the mistakes he's been making in the past and how to correct this in the future. To learn the correct attitudes, behaviors, and thoughts which will enable him to attract and keep the woman or women he wants.
This would be useful advice!
But then we'd run into another problem.
A Convenient Excuse For Not Doing Anything

You see, the second major reason that JBY is so common and a potentially damaging piece of advice is that it gives the person in need an EXCUSE for not doing anything. A convenient excuse, validated by others (after all he asked), for continuing to do what he's always done. A convenient excuse to do only what he wants to do, or what feels comfortable for him.
A convenient excuse to sit on the couch every evening drinking beer and watching TV... because, after all, he's the kind of guy who likes to sit on the couch, drink beer, and watch TV.
You see being a Don Juan is not about being yourself. And it's certainly not about pretending to be someone that you're not. It's about becoming the person that you want to be. It's about self-improvement and reaching your full potential. It's about feeling good, being happy, and learning new things.
Time and time again I've gotten emails from people telling me how the information at SoSuave.com has changed their lives for the better. How they now understand "the game" better, and how their social lives have dramatically improved as a result.
Yet — get this — when they tell their friends about the site, about all the cool information there, and how it changed their lives... their friends are not the least bit interested.
Or their friends may even think the whole idea of "learning" how to act around women is ridiculous and try to make them feel bad for even suggesting such a thing.
The friends will then preach JBY to the person, and try to convince the person that he doesn't need "tricks and gimmicks" to do well with women.
Those Friends of Yours

These oh-so-wise friends are the same ones who cower in a corner when out at a bar. The same friends who spend most of their time surfing the net or playing computer games. The same friends who insist that you should buy flowers, write love notes, be "friends" first, take her to the most expensive restaurant in town, tell her you love her (on the first date, no less), etc.
In other words, these friends don't have a clue, yet have the audacity to preach JBY to those who are trying to improve themselves and understand what really works.
Talk to them about challenge, body language, confusion, desperation, confidence, conversational strategies, or any of the other Basic Stuff at this site, and watch as their eyes glaze over like a deer caught in headlights.
Are you actually going to take advice from these people?
Why are they like this? Why can't they see that JBYing is not working for them? Why can't they understand that simply learning and implementing a few simple "tactics" could dramatically improve their lives?
Because they're lazy!
It's All About Self-Improvement

Becoming a Don Juan is about self-improvement. And self-improvement often times involves work. Take a look at all the info here at SoSuave.com. It would take WEEKS just to read it all. Then you have to commit it to memory. Then implement and practice. This takes time and effort.
Make no mistake about it... you're not going to go from a Non Juan to a Don Juan over night.
Do you think that Michael Jordan became the greatest basketball player in history by JBYing? When he failed to make the varsity team in High School, do you think he went home and said, "Oh well. I guess I'm just not much of a basketball player. But I'm sure there must be something else I can do."?
I don't think so. He grabbed the freakin ball, and practiced, and practiced, and practiced.
What Do Women Do?

What about women? Do you think that they subscribe to the JBY model of dating?
You tell me...
They spend hours working on their hair, their makeup, their skin, and everything else imaginable before going out. They spend untold fortunes on clothes, shoes, accessories, diet pills, and anything else they can find to make themselves more attractive.
And have you ever read Cosmo, Glamour, or any of the other women's magazines on the stand? Just look at the covers.
20 Ways to Make Him Fall in Love with You... Instantly
Is Your Man a Cheater? Take Our Test and Find Out
Bedroom Tactics to Rock His World
You see women have been studying "us" since they were old enough to read. When we're out digging in the dirt, playing ball, or watching cartoons, they're pouring over the latest edition of Seventeen and discovering "New Kissing Techniques that Will Leave Him Drooling."
They're having slumber parties, giggling, and professing the merits of playing hard to get, not returning phone calls, flirting strategies, not looking desperate, body language, or whatever. They're learning the "game" and how to play it... and very very well.
We're busy JBYing... and they're researching, studying, and practicing. Is it any wonder that in most relationships the woman is in complete control? Is it any wonder that most guys, when they do occasionally get a date, make complete fools of themselves?
Is it any wonder that YOU'RE having so much trouble with women?
I think not. In fact, I think being an "idiot" is the norm for men. I think most guys are completely clueless.
And that's why those of you smart enough to seek out this site are destined for greatness.
Those of you who visit the site regularly, those of you who study and practice, those of you who've dedicated yourselves to learning and improving, should be commended. You are in the minority. And if you keep at it, you will reap the rewards.
And, oh man, how sweet the rewards !!!


Basically, the main message is that when you're having trouble dealing with girls, then "just being yourself" is probably the worst advice anyone can give. Sure it seems harsh, but it kinda makes sense to me if you think about it. I mean, if you're James Bond or Brad Pitt or White-Ra, you can probably "be yourself" and land chicks left and right, but what if you're IdrA or Chill? It kinda goes against logic and common sense to keep being yourself if it isn't working doesn't it?



*****
disco
Profile Blog Joined June 2009
Netherlands1667 Posts
May 01 2010 00:11 GMT
#2
On May 01 2010 09:06 MourningWould wrote:
...if you're James Bond or Brad Pitt or White-Ra..



You can't compare James Bond or Brad Pitt to White-Ra. They got nothing on him.
this game is a fucking jokie
Shrine
Profile Blog Joined April 2010
Australia107 Posts
May 01 2010 00:11 GMT
#3
If your not being yourself then you're not looking for a long time relationship, think about what happens when you aren't yourself for a long period of time and how long do you think you can keep that up, its much easier to get caught in a lie when your lieing, another thing is how good is it gonna be when "they" aren't even liking you for being you?
Hell is empty, All the devils are here.
inReacH
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Sweden1612 Posts
May 01 2010 00:12 GMT
#4
you didnt need to add chill, just idra was enough
nadafanboy42
Profile Joined August 2009
Netherlands209 Posts
May 01 2010 00:14 GMT
#5
On May 01 2010 09:11 Shrine wrote:
If your not being yourself then you're not looking for a long time relationship, think about what happens when you aren't yourself for a long period of time and how long do you think you can keep that up, its much easier to get caught in a lie when your lieing, another thing is how good is it gonna be when "they" aren't even liking you for being you?

Exactly, the point about "being yourself" isn't about just ignoring other people and just act whatever way you like. It's being confident about who you are and who you want to be, and not going around lieing and pretending to be some person you're not.
NaDa/Jaedong/Liquid-Fanboy
Foreplay
Profile Joined May 2008
United States1154 Posts
May 01 2010 00:15 GMT
#6
[B]
I mean, if you're James Bond or Brad Pitt or Disco, you can probably "be yourself"

fixed
Better than Pokebunny
Arrian
Profile Blog Joined February 2008
United States889 Posts
May 01 2010 00:20 GMT
#7
Am I the only one who found that last section funny? He makes it sound as if they've been preparing for battle forever while we've been...being ourselves.

He makes good points but he's put it in pretty stupid ways, I think.
Writersator arepo tenet opera rotas
BuGzlToOnl
Profile Blog Joined November 2006
United States5918 Posts
May 01 2010 00:24 GMT
#8
Haha, I laughed at the Chill and Idra part.
If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.
Romantic
Profile Joined January 2010
United States1844 Posts
May 01 2010 00:25 GMT
#9
Some people definitely need more game than others.
Nal_rAwr
Profile Blog Joined July 2009
United States2611 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-01 00:29:53
May 01 2010 00:29 GMT
#10
um Chill is our king he is a baller wtf
Nony is Bonjwa
Kyuukyuu
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
Canada6263 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-01 00:37:40
May 01 2010 00:37 GMT
#11
Well obviously it depends, if you're being yourself and "yourself" is a fat loser who just sits on the computer all day then for sure you can't expect to take "JBY" to heart and see results.

On May 01 2010 09:14 nadafanboy42 wrote:
It's being confident about who you are and who you want to be, and not going around lieing and pretending to be some person you're not.


Basically that. Being yourself does get you the girls if yourself is an interesting, funny, etc. etc. baller at life. So get to it.
00Zarathustra
Profile Blog Joined November 2007
Bolivia419 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-01 00:41:56
May 01 2010 00:39 GMT
#12
But the guy in the article is right. Ppl uses "Being yourself" As a excuse to not try harder or to remain been the mediocre lazy fools they are. "Women got to love me for what I am" but no woman is falling for a shy,mediocre, nerdy, not funny guy. And if they fall in love with him they'll fall despite him being a shy, not funny... etc.

People can change. People can improve. Being yourself shouldn't mean staying the way you are. If your not getting the ladies you must do something to improve yourself. And no that doesn't mean "pretending you r rich, telling them you r a movie director, etc"

edit: Guy above me writes faster. xD
Zarathustra "You can't spell aNal_Rape without Nal_Ra"
alexpnd
Profile Blog Joined March 2009
Canada1857 Posts
May 01 2010 00:44 GMT
#13
Neat article but what's with the chill hate? The guy is baller. I think dudes do "work" towards "knowing" woman, ie they try to be successful and have successful friends, which is what a woman wants.
www.brainyweb.ca //web stuff!
IndecisivePenguin
Profile Blog Joined October 2008
United States771 Posts
May 01 2010 00:44 GMT
#14
I believe the proper responses have already been covered.
overpool
Profile Joined April 2008
United States191 Posts
May 01 2010 00:44 GMT
#15
The article's tone is somewhat mocking and abrasive, but its message is certainly more true than the cliché it deconstructs. If you're introverted, you have to make a conscious effort to be more friendly and confident, or no girls will even know you exist. As with everything in life, this is a balancing act: you must walk a fine line between purposefully attracting others and faking your personality.

I'd compare this to getting in shape physically. If you don't like to exercise, you're going to need to put in more effort than the kid who's been playing softball since he was in 1st grade. This doesn't mean you should immediately force yourself to play a dozen sports you hate. But you do need to actively pursue a healthy activity you enjoy while keeping an open mind.
yay i love tl events
deth
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Australia1757 Posts
May 01 2010 00:53 GMT
#16
We can never really be ourselves in contact with others, we always put on different faces or 'masks' when we communicate with our siblings, parents, non-immediate family and different groups of friends. Communication with girls/girlfriends/partners will always see us put on a mask which we think that that person would find attractive, or desirable. A few freud, bauman and erikson writings cover this subject.
gchan
Profile Joined October 2007
United States654 Posts
Last Edited: 2010-05-01 07:21:22
May 01 2010 07:17 GMT
#17
The only goal any individual should have is to be themselves and to be content with themselves. You first have to figure who you are, what you want to be and what you believe before you can figure out the rest of the picture.

With that being said, after discovering yourself, you have to figure out how you as an individual can fit into the larger part of society. You will inevitably discover that certain aspects of your personality, your beliefs, etc will be disagreeable with society at large--whether it be your friends, your coworkers, or a potential girlfriend. Taking this into consideration, as an individual, you have to make a choice on how much you are willing to change yourself to fit the needs and wants of other people. Will these changes make you a better person? Will these changes not truly be you anymore? Should you be making these certain changes? These are not easy questions and each person has their own answers.

When you apply this conundrum to meeting potential women, you have to realize that it is not a black and white scale. There are certain aspects of you that are certainly more desirable while there are other aspects not so much. Should you change yourself to meet other women? Possibly. Prioritize what you want out of life and answer that question. Do you value yourself more or do you value meeting women? As you age, you will realize that the more untrue you are to yourself, the more disagreeable women you will meet. Figure what truly matters to you first, then take the baby steps to sharing that with a significant other.

Edit: Assuming you are looking for something substantial. If you want to get laid, date explorative young college women; it's the most cost effective method.
deth
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Australia1757 Posts
May 01 2010 10:03 GMT
#18
On May 01 2010 16:17 gchan wrote:
The only goal any individual should have is to be themselves and to be content with themselves. You first have to figure who you are, what you want to be and what you believe before you can figure out the rest of the picture.


Just gotta nitpick at this, am I the only one here who sees a contradiction in saying we should have a single goal, to be ourselves, but really, what human nature dictates is that we want to be accepted and develop connections, therefore we will figure out who we are so that we can fit in?
OneNat
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States5 Posts
May 01 2010 10:07 GMT
#19
If you act like someone you're not, who is the girl falling in love with?

You? Or someone they think that you are?

Which would you rather have them fall in love with?
Sadistx
Profile Blog Joined February 2009
Zimbabwe5568 Posts
May 01 2010 11:11 GMT
#20
This thread needs more Rekrul.
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