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Hello everyone its been a long time since I’ve blogged or really posted on teamliquid. However guys…. I once again find myself in need of the advice of the fine ladies and gentlemen.
THE BACKSTORY
In september I meet this girl and we go on a few dates. The chemistry is intense. Our first date we sat on a couch and talked for 4 hours. We start hanging out quite a bit and things naturally progress from there. I ask her to be official and we’ve been dating ever since… Overall I like her a lot and all my friends think we’re really good for each other.
THE SITUATION
Both of us are graduating this spring and with that comes the normal college drama of where people will end up with work. I’ve been interviewing with quite a few companies and 2 weeks ago I got an offer from a company out in Washington DC. I accepted and I’ll be moving from one Washington to the other Washington. This has caused some tension between us. She’s the type of girl who thinks about dating with long term potential and at this moment in time I’m the type of guy to date for fun.
The topic has naturally been brought up about what she will be doing after graduation and if she will be moving with me. For a 4 month relationship it’s a pretty big commitment to start thinking about moving across the country for work let alone with someone else. While it seems like a big move, from her perspective it actually perfectly aligns with what she want. She’s a GIS major and her dream job is working at the NGA in Springfield, VA about 20-30 minutes from where I’ll be living. That area is also a hotspot for GIS jobs. In fact it couldn’t be any more perfect.
THE PROBLEM
*Sorry this isn't as hilarious as my usual shenanigans <3
ITS A LOT OF COMMITMENT AND I”M NOT GOOD AT THINKING THAT FAR INTO THE FUTURE. My uncertainty about the whole situation has definitely shown through in how I interact with her. She has reassured me that our relationship wouldn’t change and that we wouldn’t even have to live together straight out of college! Part of me wants to be like yeah I want you to come and the other part of doesn’t care. Internally I’m pretty meh on the whole situation while she wants me to say “I want you to come to the east coast with me <3”
When she has told the situation to her coworkers and close friends they have mostly encouraged her to move since it aligns with what she wants to do. While my friends have been kind of been on the opposite side…
WHAT DO?
 
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I think it's a problem you're apathetic towards the whole issue. Your girlfriend is thinking about making a large commitment to move across the country with you. You should think about whether
1. This is something that you want personally
2. Something you're ready for in your relationship
With this looming ahead, you'll have to start looking long-term.
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Your friends are wrong. Bring her to Washington D.C.
Life is too short to be like, "UGH I DON'T WANNA TAKE ANY RISKS EVER" and what matters in a relationship isn't the amount of time spent, it's the quality of the time spent, and making sure they aren't into some dark shit like maintaining a torture dungeon to hold kidnap victims.
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You're already going there regardless, her dream job is nearby and you won't be living together. How is this a big commitment? If you eventually break up you're still where you want to be and so is she.
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GIRL BLOG WE GOT A GIRL BLOG... is that me or those are rare these days?
You are doing it all wrong
1) one is supposed to go one place, the other in a different place
2) you are both supposed to be madly in love
3) you are supposed to break up but no one is gonna find love and then meet again a few years later and marry
Plan bis:
You are stuck, this is your wife, in a few years you are gonna make a reddit post about how you did not want to commit and now you realize how silly this was and you are the happiest man in the world.
+ Show Spoiler + She’s the type of girl who thinks about dating with long term potential and at this moment in time I’m the type of guy to date for fun.
My grandfather would have said that girls are more mature than guys.
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Hey Samzyn!
Yeah if you're apathetic about it then the chances are pretty high the relationship is not for you. But I agree with the above posters. You go, she can go too and you two live separately. Date casually and no harm in breaking up if it comes to that, or if you decided later on that you'd like to be more serious with her then there is that.
But from the outset you have two very different goals in mind, which makes handling the relationship very tricky.
Congrats on getting a girl!
And yay for girl blogs!
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She is a GIS major! Never let her go!
Best wishes,
Fellow geographer
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On January 28 2017 22:30 Koivusto wrote:
She is a GIS major! Never let her go!
Best wishes,
Fellow geographer
Sounds like it's a rocky relationship.
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She has reassured me that our relationship wouldn’t change and that we wouldn’t even have to live together straight out of college
Say you would break up with her. Would she still like to move into your general area just because its a hot spot? Would you still like to meet her if it wasn't for the "big commitment"? If the above quote is true, you have nothing to fear, my friend. But I cannot possibly judge whether it is true because I don't know her.
If you are not generally optimistic about living with her, you should not move in together. Luckily, in your case, there seems to be another solution. Seems... ;-)
P.S.: All of that comes from a guy who moved in with his last girlfriend after 4 months and everything went fine for years. I'm not against such decisions in general, but you should feel comfortable with your decision.
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On January 28 2017 09:59 iMrising wrote:
I think it's a problem you're apathetic towards the whole issue. Your girlfriend is thinking about making a large commitment to move across the country with you. You should think about whether
1. This is something that you want personally
2. Something you're ready for in your relationship
With this looming ahead, you'll have to start looking long-term.
I think the reason I've been apathetic is because she keeps asking me if I want her to move their with me. I've been pretty wishy washy in my response, but I've realized that at this point in the relationship I can't say that. I want to continue dating her and I love spending time with her.
On January 28 2017 11:09 ninazerg wrote:
Your friends are wrong. Bring her to Washington D.C.
Life is too short to be like, "UGH I DON'T WANNA TAKE ANY RISKS EVER" and what matters in a relationship isn't the amount of time spent, it's the quality of the time spent, and making sure they aren't into some dark shit like maintaining a torture dungeon to hold kidnap victims.
Don't you want them to be in darkshit like maintaining a torture dungeon?
On January 28 2017 15:55 Scarecrow wrote:
You're already going there regardless, her dream job is nearby and you won't be living together. How is this a big commitment? If you eventually break up you're still where you want to be and so is she.
Part of realizes this isn't that big of a commitment... But I feel like it will change the dynamics of the relationship
On January 28 2017 18:03 Gurderoy wrote:
GIRL BLOG WE GOT A GIRL BLOG... is that me or those are rare these days?
My grandfather would have said that girls are more mature than guys.
#1 Girl Blogger on TL represent <3
I would agree with your grandfather
@Tamuel I think balancing the differences of mindsets have been a little tricky. I know she's said this multiple times but she has said that I'm not as big of a reason for moving as I think I am. However, part of me feels like she wouldn't be moving straight after college unless it was for me.
@AKnopf I think part of her would like to eventually move to that area and to her it seems like everything is aligning with me moving there...
On January 28 2017 22:30 Koivusto wrote:
She is a GIS major! Never let her go!
Best wishes,
Fellow geographer
<3
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Netherlands6175 Posts
Wow what happened to Tamuel 
I dunno, it seems like a good opportunity to move if someone will be moving with you. Extra motivating.
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On January 29 2017 03:39 dravernor wrote:Wow what happened to Tamuel I dunno, it seems like a good opportunity to move if someone will be moving with you. Extra motivating.
Fixed!
And yeah I agree with that statement. There are some conditions to her moving like having a job she wants etc... If I can be the motivation to do it then I don't have a problem with it. I just don't want to be the sole reason and thankfully I'm not.
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hi,
it is perfectly normal to feel this way and both choices (moving in/not moving in together) are valid:
1/dating =/= living together
2/moving in together will change the dynamic of your relationship
So either you decide to do things slower or you jump the fence.. she made her decision, now you make yours (that's how a couple works, both need to voice their opinion).
If i may, fear of commitment is often not what people think .. It is actually a good thing, if it leads to introspection and better choices, more honest choices.
So lets review it from a third uninformed party point of view (mine  ) :
1/you are both still kids
2/you want to go and opportunities are not so easy to come by
3/you are both going to survive any choices available
4/people who fall in love know it, that doesn't mean that these people will survive as a couple "whatever they do"
(one could even say that being in love has very little to do with it (getting the couple's thing to work out)).
All those 1/4 points point to:
1/you should go
2/you should make a clear cut decision on this "trying to become a couple" dilemma before you go
So i would say that your wishy washy stance is kind of mature, this is what you feel and lying is always bad.
From where i am sitting the solution is easy, just plan for her to come when she does finish her studies and get a job there.. because that period of separation with her coming to visit you or you going back (both temporary commitments) and all the long distance relationship thingees will actually put this relationship through hardship and that might settle the thing properly (you wanting her to come move in with you .. or not).
It might seem selfish from an outside point of view, something like "leading her on" for a year or something, if you don't end up with her moving in in the end, .. but then again that will have been more "proper gentlemanly conduct" overall if the couple fails to survive this part (the first hard parts).
Wanting to "play the field" is a horrible stance only once you are with someone already! if you were not in this "relationship", the prospect of moving to a new place for a new job..meeting new people .. would lead perfectly normally and sensibly to you being subjected to other opportunities in this part of your life (sex/relationships).
On the other hand, people couple up for many different reasons.. and this world is more and more self centered / self entitled etc.. so maybe not driving this relationship forward (not being full throttle for her moving in) and "starting the rest of your lives together" as soon as possible, will cost you this opportunity and she will decide that your lack of commitment shows that you are not meant to be together etc...
Life is commitment, don't be with someone because you are afraid of being alone, or at least don't lie to yourself about it, or to your life partner!
When you do meet a special someone, go full throttle or go slow, but in any case treat this as a unique and important thing. That thing might become sour, but the more care you have put into it until that rupture point, the better you will feel about it looking back on it if it does fail.
Also, that thing that started as something fun/easy might become harder, but it might end up to be the best thing you will have .. the best thing! the only important thing you fought for (trust me) 
My tldr advice: you only fail if you don't try!
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Congratulations for your job offer.
Moving so many kms away from home, together, after only 4 months seems audacious to me. I can see two outcomes:
1) love of your life. Everything will turn out fine, you'll love your job and before you can say it you'll have a house and two kids.
2) some happy months, then end of the honey-moon phase, crysis and enduced hellish levels of stress of living 3000 km away from home with a person you imagined completely different.
There is a third option, which is 'standard' - a compromise between the twos. Honestly, though, when people make such big commitments it's either 1) or 2).
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I don't know how old you are but from what you've said mentally you seem like a kid. Don't take her there with you, you're eventually going to hurt her.
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To add to what seems the general opinion :
1- Does the job in DC fits you, do you like it and are you ready to move there independently of the girl ?
2- Does she really wants to go to near DC area independently of her feelings for you and the situation ?
If its yes yes, then the situation solving is EZPZ. So go both of you, work and have your relationship evolve naturally.
If its no no, then just dont go ^^
Those were the simple answers, now comes the hard ones :
If its yes no, then i'd advice being frank with her and telling her how you feel exactly. Might seems hard, for both of you, but just think about what would happen if she just came there for you and you end up breaking 5 months later ? She would feel like shit, and so you would (if you are a least a little bit empathic ).
If its a no-yes (not the case if I got you correctly), then...
I have no answers
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Both move, but don't both move in together.
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AYYYY WELCOME TO DC
just make it clear that you don't want the relationship to factor into her decisions and it won't factor into yours.
make it clear that big life decisions should be made without respect to a four month relationship, and that this doesn't mean there is ANY disrespect to the relationship and that you would be over the moon to both live in the DC area and keep the relationship as is. but only if it works out as such.
i wouldn't move in together imo, unless you think you're actually ready for it. rents fucking expensive man.
on second thought definitely do not move in together at all. you need to establish that this shit will work on the other side of the country. even though there's no reason to think it won't, big life changes affect people differently.
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On January 29 2017 20:13 fluidrone wrote:+ Show Spoiler +hi, it is perfectly normal to feel this way and both choices (moving in/not moving in together) are valid: 1/dating =/= living together 2/moving in together will change the dynamic of your relationship So either you decide to do things slower or you jump the fence.. she made her decision, now you make yours (that's how a couple works, both need to voice their opinion). If i may, fear of commitment is often not what people think .. It is actually a good thing, if it leads to introspection and better choices, more honest choices. So lets review it from a third uninformed party point of view (mine ) : 1/you are both still kids 2/you want to go and opportunities are not so easy to come by 3/you are both going to survive any choices available 4/people who fall in love know it, that doesn't mean that these people will survive as a couple "whatever they do" (one could even say that being in love has very little to do with it (getting the couple's thing to work out)). All those 1/4 points point to: 1/you should go 2/you should make a clear cut decision on this "trying to become a couple" dilemma before you go So i would say that your wishy washy stance is kind of mature, this is what you feel and lying is always bad. From where i am sitting the solution is easy, just plan for her to come when she does finish her studies and get a job there.. because that period of separation with her coming to visit you or you going back (both temporary commitments) and all the long distance relationship thingees will actually put this relationship through hardship and that might settle the thing properly (you wanting her to come move in with you .. or not). It might seem selfish from an outside point of view, something like "leading her on" for a year or something, if you don't end up with her moving in in the end, .. but then again that will have been more "proper gentlemanly conduct" overall if the couple fails to survive this part (the first hard parts). Wanting to "play the field" is a horrible stance only once you are with someone already! if you were not in this "relationship", the prospect of moving to a new place for a new job..meeting new people .. would lead perfectly normally and sensibly to you being subjected to other opportunities in this part of your life (sex/relationships). On the other hand, people couple up for many different reasons.. and this world is more and more self centered / self entitled etc.. so maybe not driving this relationship forward (not being full throttle for her moving in) and "starting the rest of your lives together" as soon as possible, will cost you this opportunity and she will decide that your lack of commitment shows that you are not meant to be together etc... Life is commitment, don't be with someone because you are afraid of being alone, or at least don't lie to yourself about it, or to your life partner! When you do meet a special someone, go full throttle or go slow, but in any case treat this as a unique and important thing. That thing might become sour, but the more care you have put into it until that rupture point, the better you will feel about it looking back on it if it does fail. Also, that thing that started as something fun/easy might become harder, but it might end up to be the best thing you will have .. the best thing! the only important thing you fought for (trust me) My tldr advice: you only fail if you don't try!
Thanks for the advice Fluidrone, you summed up my current feelings/situation pretty nicely
I think most of my hesitation this past week was on her wanting me to commit to saying I wanted her to go, which was something I couldn't do. We talked the other night and the conversation was pretty much
Me: "I still want to date you and hang out with you, but I'm not the type of person who can say grand romantic gestures like move across the country with me at the 4 month point. If that's something you need than you should move on."
Her: "Ok mystery... I just don't want you to date me knowing you're going to break up with me in June"
--
Kind of goes into your next point of playing the field and maybe where her fears lie... Though if I wanted to play the field I would be doing that now and not trying to continue my relationship with her.
On January 29 2017 21:28 SoSexy wrote:+ Show Spoiler +Congratulations for your job offer.
Moving so many kms away from home, together, after only 4 months seems audacious to me. I can see two outcomes:
1) love of your life. Everything will turn out fine, you'll love your job and before you can say it you'll have a house and two kids.
2) some happy months, then end of the honey-moon phase, crysis and enduced hellish levels of stress of living 3000 km away from home with a person you imagined completely different.
There is a third option, which is 'standard' - a compromise between the twos. Honestly, though, when people make such big commitments it's either 1) or 2).
Thanks Sexy! So we wouldn't be moving till july which would put us around the 9 month mark. Hopefully 1 happens as in love my life and job. IN the event of outcome two, there is a lot of stress and we wouldn't be living with each other. Worst case the relationship has run its course and we continue on with our lives.
On January 30 2017 04:06 rafaliusz wrote:+ Show Spoiler +I don't know how old you are but from what you've said mentally you seem like a kid. Don't take her there with you, you're eventually going to hurt her.
22 and agree still very much a developing child. Either way if I break up with her that will hurt her which doesn't seem like a valid reason. She has stated that she wants to move there and would only move there if she had a job that she wanted in a field (geospatial analysis) that she likes.
[spoiler]On January 30 2017 22:19 quirinus wrote:
Both move, but don't both move in together.
Agreed
[spoiler]On January 31 2017 02:15 brian wrote:
AYYYY WELCOME TO DC
just make it clear that you don't want the relationship to factor into her decisions and it won't factor into yours.
make it clear that big life decisions should be made without respect to a four month relationship, and that this doesn't mean there is ANY disrespect to the relationship and that you would be over the moon to both live in the DC area and keep the relationship as is. but only if it works out as such.
i wouldn't move in together imo, unless you think you're actually ready for it. rents fucking expensive man.
on second thought definitely do not move in together at all. you need to establish that this shit will work on the other side of the country. even though there's no reason to think it won't, big life changes affect people differently.
Aye Brian I'll have to hit you up. My job is in Reston but I'll be traveling up around the area working as a consultant. So the relationship didn't factor into my decision as I already accepted. Even if we had been dating for 2 years in college I don't think the relationship would have factored in, but who knows. Also as stated in other responses she wouldn't be moving until she has a job which she doesn't start applying for till May.
Rent in seattle is around the same price and its a bitch. Debating whether to live in Reston for ~$800 a month or tysons corner/arlington for ~$1400...
We've talked about it and I think we'll continue dating and whatever happens happens. If we make it till may and we're still together then when she starts applying to jobs if she gets something she wants she'll move. As long as that move is the best decision for her.
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Then it seems fine. Go for it.
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EPT
