EPT
For some context, you might want to read my previous post. I wouldn't advise you too though, now that I got my head out of my ass and realized what happened.
Let's do a quick recap: been working on a project for a year now, poured my very heart into it, really really believed in it. Way too much actually. Although I'd say the idea behind it is still solid (and I hope one of our competitor will make it), our team just isn't comitted enough.
Something that I'm not sure I mentionned in my blog, was that I also had a girlfriend last year, and it was doing great, but the dumb guy I was decided that I didn't want the trouble of a serious relationship when I intended to go 100% on this project, so I dumped her just like that. You have "piece of shit" on your mind ? I sure do.
7 months later, what a hard fucking curveball.
So, where am I today. I realized how much I actually loved the girl, but I realized that just a month too late, and now she's gone with some other dude. No one seems to believe in our project anymore, or at least act like they do. Even I have lost hope on this, and I was considered the main engine since we started (read = if I don't move, no one does).
So here I am, heartbroken, with no passion in sight. Kinda lonely too. Friends, well, the only one I have that is currently in the same town as I, dropped our last plan without warning to go on a date with a tinder girl. Fuck him to be honest, he was in my spot a few months ago, he should know better, but whatever. He doesn't owe me shit after all. There are others fortunately, but in different towns, and I still have obligations tied to my project, so moving ain't exactly easy.
It's weird to me, because I feel down like I never did before, but still managed to get some basic shit done in my life that I kept on putting away. I still have strength, but I just don't know how to use it anymore. My work is meaningless to me now, and that doesn't bode well for how it will go. My current field of work bore me to death when it's not about making people life better, but these 2 things feel really disconnected to me now.
I'm a disgusted, disillusionned and bitter human being. Quite the turnaround from the overconfident buffoon I showed here before.
And the best part: it's all on me. This is tied directly to how I've been living my life this whole time, in a place far far away from reality, feelings and human connections. I don't know how that translates into english, but in france, we say "missing your life" (rater sa vie), and it's quite interesting, because it can be interpreted in 2 ways. Having screwed up, or just not being there, missing your life as you'd miss a shot. Mine is the latter. I haven't tried enough stuff to screw up, I just wasn't there to begin with.
I wasn't there to lead our team like it was expected of me, I wasn't there to gauge my feelings when it still mattered. No, I was in my bed, smoking pot, and watching stuff on the internet. Yay.
Wow. That's some self-loathing right here. Another thing I've live with for the longest time I guess. But some of it is also the hard truth I have to swallow now. I need to change, again, always. I have so much to do to become a functionnal human being, sometimes it doesn't feel worth. Most importantly, I guess I have to forgive myself, but this ain't happening soon, I just can't picture it.
Meh, not sure what I expect putting this here. It's just pathetic. But that was at least 30 minutes off my day, where I wasn't completely alone with me feelings. Hey, that's something...
), but I get your point.
