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810 Posts
Grab your popcorn, I'm back from the highs of life to spew overly confident words all over your monitor.
Tonight, as I can't find sleep, I realize something. A drastic change in my life that occured in steps. Not really small steps, that's not my style, but still. Reality always change gradually, I've been told, and this seems to hold true.
This thing is, I am not scared anymore.
Scared of what ? Well, just scared. I know I'll find myself in situations where I get nervous, danger still will make me shit my pants, like the good evolved ape that I am, but apprehension ? Fucking gone.
It all started 2 years ago. I joined a prestigious school, and that was scary, for I didn't try anything hard before that. Or anything, really.
I got myself involved in a project, and that was scary, because I never talked to people who were actually making stuff happen.
I asked to get involved on a "higher" level, and bla bla bla, because I didn't feel legitimate, although interested.
I held a little conference about the project, and you got the idea now, because I was shit scared of talking in public.
I pitched the project in 4 sentence to one of our minister, talking to him like I was planning a beer night with a friend. That was scary, because, you know, it's one of our minister. Got his email now, although that's irrelevant. Still, fucking proud of myself on this one ^^
Peaking is a funny thing in life. You can settle for it, resting on how good you were to get that high. Or you can look around, and search for your next goal. Higher, always ? Mh, sounds like Icarus. Well, fine by me, we all die in the end, and I want my mind to be in peace when I reach that point. So if I crash, you better believe that I will do so trying to achieve what I really want.
Mission statement: fuck things up.
What things ? All of them. Well, not all. But most of our current system needs to go away. Some people believe that love will change the world, but what if they're wrong ? What if right now, the best thing to do is to kick it in the nuts and knee it to the face ?
Can we really afford patience, compassion, when you see the state of humanity today ?
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about an all out guerilla on our system. I'm talking about precise and controlled destruction. The target aren't people, it's the prison in their minds. A large majority of people are still scared, and that holds true in every level of our pyramidal society.
So, what I did for me, I want to help people do it for themselves. And trust me, it took more violence than indulgence to move my lazy ass out of my comfort zone.
TL;DR:
A friend recently told me I sometimes scare him because of how I remind him of Tyler Durden. Well, he has a point, but the good news is, I'm not that much into cults or explosives.
 
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Exactly what things do you plan to "fuck up." This all sounds very abstract and toxic. Violence is never the answer.
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810 Posts
Maybe violence wasn't a good choice of word, and most likely my inner and problematic aggressivity taint all of this a bit too much.
But nature isn't all flowers and candy, it's ruthless. Maybe that was the word. Dunno.
Edit: just stumbled upon that quote from Thomas Jefferson: "I hold it that a little rebellion now and then is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical"
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The ends don't justify the means.
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810 Posts
Is all you conversation made of premade sentences like that ?
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On March 15 2016 10:18 Cynry wrote:
Grab your popcorn, I'm back from the highs of life to spew overly confident words all over your monitor.
Tonight, as I can't find sleep, I realize something. A drastic change in my life that occured in steps. Not really small steps, that's not my style, but still. Reality always change gradually, I've been told, and this seems to hold true.
This thing is, I am not scared anymore.
Scared of what ? Well, just scared. I know I'll find myself in situations where I get nervous, danger still will make me shit my pants, like the good evolved ape that I am, but apprehension ? Fucking gone.
It all started 2 years ago. I joined a prestigious school, and that was scary, for I didn't try anything hard before that. Or anything, really.
I got myself involved in a project, and that was scary, because I never talked to people who were actually making stuff happen.
"Scared of what ? Well, just scared."
i moved out a month after i turned 19 and i was a wreck for 1 year. i got into a top notch school pretty much on talent alone. i was a big lazy dog-fucking piece of shit. i had no idea what i was in for. This sentence here describes me from age 19 to age 20.
"Scared of what ? Well, just scared."
"thing is , I am not scared anymore"
after a year i was fine... i found my rhythm. found my little niche and now i'm as happy as a pig in mud.
"thing is , I am not scared anymore". But, for 1 year it was a living hell. basically, i was a spoiled brat mommy's boy and that year i went from boy to man.
i went to a co-op university and its the best accidental , totally-fluke decision i could ever make. i took co-op because i had to ; co-op was the university's only option. you get about 3 weeks off per year. with 4 month academic terms alternating with 4 month full-time-job paid work terms with 1 week off in between.
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On March 15 2016 10:46 Cynry wrote:
Is all you conversation made of premade sentences like that ?
No, I try to avoid cliché, actually. What good is ruthlessness or violence if it's not good in the moment? If there's some ideal world why does it start with violence? Sure, danger can feed change and adversity can too, however, what are their cost?
You realize Edward Norton's character in fight club had multiple personality disorder, right? Tyler Durden is a hallucination.The book/movie is largely about living with the pain of the current system. For instance many of the people in the groups that Marla and the protagonist attend have members that are suffering from incurable diseases. They find strength by having some way of fighting back. It isn't that they want a better world, it's that they want a way to fight back against their circumstance.
It's been a while since I watched it though
edit - reminds me of that scene where they threaten to kill people if they aren't working towards their goals. It's a good reminder to do what you want but are you useless if you don't manage?
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810 Posts
Now, that's interesting. On one hand, we have JimmyJRaynor that took 2 sentences out of my post to connect it with his experience and find the positive in all that. One the other hand, imgbaby is doing pretty much the opposite.
And this is why you shouldn't really care what people think of you. Communication is an illusion, it's all about how you interpret the stimulus you're being presented.
Anyway...
"Scared of what ? Well, just scared."
i moved out a month after i turned 19 and i was a wreck for 1 year. i got into a top notch school pretty much on talent alone. i was a big lazy dog-fucking piece of shit. i had no idea what i was in for. This sentence here describes me from age 19 to age 20.
"Scared of what ? Well, just scared."
"thing is , I am not scared anymore"
after a year i was fine... i found my rhythm. found my little niche and now i'm as happy as a pig in mud.
"thing is , I am not scared anymore". But, for 1 year it was a living hell. basically, i was a spoiled brat mommy's boy and that year i went from boy to man.
i went to a co-op university and its the best accidental , totally-fluke decision i could ever make. i took co-op because i had to because it was the university's only option. you get about 3 weeks off per year. with 4 month academic terms alternating with 4 month full-time-job paid work terms with 1 week off in between.
Very nice to hear  I totally relate to what you're saying, the fluke decision, the harsh start, going from boy to man. Cheers man !
@omgbaby: You gotta understand I use this place as a catharsis for things I couldn't say that way in the real world. It is not meant to be taken as is, it is not an accurate representation of who I am in real life. I'm actually a nice guy, believe it or not, and never were violent to anyone but me.
With that said :
No, I try to avoid cliché, actually. What good is ruthlessness or violence if it's not good in the moment? If there's some ideal world why does it start with violence?
How do you know if it's not good right now ? I don't, but I know I'm surrounded with enough people trying to be gentle about all of this, just been thinking lately that some sort of balance may be needed. The collective I'm part of is being told to be brutally honest with the people hiring us. These people are CEOs and shit, and they know they need to be shaken.
Also, there's no ideal world, there's only one. And it's a continuous cycle of destruction and rebirth that keeps it going. I'm not saying I'm 100% sure I'm right that a kick in the nuts is needed right now, it's just a thought I'm contemplating. My actions won't follow this thought, not now, maybe never.
You realize Edward Norton's character in fight club had multiple personality disorder, right? Tyler Durden is a hallucination.The book/movie is largely about living with the pain of the current system in a lot of ways.
Gotta be honest, I don't really care, I don't see myself in him, I do not pride myself in the fact that he compared me to him, somewhat. You lack a lot of context to draw conclusions on this, it was just a "funny" TLDR that came to me.
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On March 15 2016 11:17 Cynry wrote:Very nice to hear I totally relate to what you're saying, the fluke decision, the harsh start, going from boy to man. Cheers man !
cheers back.
it was an ugly year.. but it needed to happen.
hopefully, you end up viewing your rough patch in the same way.
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Gotta be honest, I don't really care, I don't see myself in him, I do not pride myself in the fact that he compared me to him, somewhat. You lack a lot of context to draw conclusions on this, it was just a "funny" TLDR that came to me.
Well, it's a place of catharsis for me too, hence the long reply. I guess I don't really know what's good in the moment. Good luck with the CEO's and stuff.
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810 Posts
Not gonna lie, if it weren't for the people that keeps telling me that it's what they want to hear, I wouldn't believe it either. I feel very inadequate having a recorded interview where I say that their company will die if they don't change drastically, that I wouldn't for the life of me work for them as insider, this kind of stuff. But apparently, they need that. It still feels very surreal to me, buuuuut I'm having some fun, so, who cares ^^
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you sound like you have mania and a lot of it.
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810 Posts
On March 15 2016 11:34 BeStFAN wrote:
you sound like you have mania and a lot of it.
Didn't we settle that a few blog posts ago ?
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Papua New Guinea1054 Posts
Do you share Tyler's good looks and physique?
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810 Posts
I'm alright, but no Brad Pitt. Now, why in the hell would you want to know that, that's another question... You like fish sticks ?
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810 Posts
Now BeStFAN, I guess I'm not done with you yet.
It's the second time at least you're coming to my blog just to throw around some psychological concept like you had any idea what you were talking about.
How do I know you don't ? Well, proper psychologists would never do that.
At best, you're somewhat informed on the topic, but are taking this bit of knowledge like a proper basis to diagnose people with. You'd be wrong on that.
At worst, you read the DSM once and actually believe this is how human psyche works. Again, very wrong.
So, according to you, after reading a few words from me, I'm a narcistic sociopath and a maniac. What's next ? Oh, look, my last post was about me feeling a bit down. Maybe we should add bipolar to the mix ?
So, my question to you is, what is it you're trying to achieve by doing that ? Let's say you were right, what do you think would come from your post if you were actually talking to a mentally ill dude ? It's TL, so I got this bias thinking people here are somewhat smart. You probably know you're doing no good, although you explicitly said you were not trying to be mean.
I'm aware of my flaws, and I can see how they fit in the words you're using. But I'm taking care of them, starting with acceptance and not preventing myself from living and communicating, just because they make me seem crazy to some. Done that for too long.
Now, if I were to give you a piece of advice, it would be to do a bit of soul searching on why you need to come here and wave these words around. I have my ideas on that, but I don't know you, and it's none of my business. Still, if it really didn't matter to you, if you just didn't like the way I express myself (which I'd totally get, I'm not that oblivious), you'd just move along. So yeah, why don't you ?
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heh now you're being very defensive aren't you
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to be honest I just saw a really delusional and desperate sounding post and gave an honest response
believe me I've seen plenty of dumb delusional blog posts on this site, this isn't me going on a personal vendetta against you. I didn't recognize you as that guy who wants everything to be a game or that guy who sounds like he needs professional help. I reply indiscriminately on this site and you haven't been around long enough to be recognizable.
and man you need to calm down lol. all that for a pretty reasonable statement based on the written crazy you intentionally put out for others to see
and reply to
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810 Posts
Alright, that's reasonnable.
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810 Posts
Ye well, let's hope I learn my lesson this time, lectures aren't exactly getting easier...
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EPT
