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Ok, guys I hope you can help yet another starcraft player sort out his life.
I'll start with a little bit of introduction. I've had a girlfriend for about 1 year (it soon becomes 1 year to be exact). She is older than me but I'm fine with this. I'm a student abroad, so we trust each other even when I'm abroad. I do get back for holidays (Christmas, Easter, summer).
As you're mostly boys here, you should be familiar that a man has needs. Well, she is okay if I watch porn as long as it's not a live show which was a problem in the past (even though I didn't talk or show myself at all, it was an internet public show with random strangers). I admitted my mistake then, I apologised. It was hard but she forgave me. I explained that I never had any communication at all, but it was still hard to go through this.
Anyway, I haven't asked if (public) internet pictures are okay. Again, no communication nor requests to get pictures. I'm talking about stuff like Playboy or some website with galleries, or... Facebook? So conscience has hit me back yet again. Mainly because of that one case case (and the only case I think) when I was viewing photos of one of my then future flat mates. I didn't meet her at that point. She wasn't naked but it was some beach outfit. I think this is probably what bothers me the most regarding my conscience because others are absolutely strangers, but that is a case about flat mate now.
Neither at that time, nor when I arrived to my hall of residence nor now have I thought of talking to her in a special way. Not even once. She has even got a boyfriend recently (one of the flat mates), and I'm completely okay with that. However, the guilt remains for me probably because this is the closest case to real life, I mean it's absolutely guaranteed that I couldn't have met others (from online pictures) nor I've tried to contact anyone.
I don't know what to do or even how to discuss it with my girlfriend. It's not something she should worry about in my opinion. However, she said in the past that she fears of being replaced or of being replaced by a younger girl. I'm not considering age differences/advantages at all, but you know that people have different views which may not be the same as mine. What she may understand may not be the same as what I understand which could be an unnecessary problem.
I've heard couples may have secrets. I don't have much experience with relationships, so I suppose that's one of the reasons I make mistakes or that I'm unsure if what I've done is right or not. If my case isn't considered cheating/too bad, then I'd rather not hurt my girl unnecessarily because I love her. I haven't changed the way I treat her in a negative way, so I guess that's a good thing? I know some people say it's okay as long as it has no effect on the relationship, but who knows whether that's correct or not.
I'm looking forward to your advice. 
  
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Canada5154 Posts
1. If both of you value honesty, and you're reasonable adults, you can tell eachother everything. There should be no secrets.
2. But, this is kind of an unreasonable thing for either of you to be concerned over, so I don't know what to tell you.
You're obviously going to be sexually attracted to people that aren't your girlfriend. Both of you should understand that and realize that sexual attraction does not necessarily mean you are going to act on it. I'd tell you guys to talk THAT out, instead of focusing on whether or not you jerked off to pictures of a girl you know.
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Eh, this whole relationship sounds shaky to me. I don't mean to offend if you're genuinely happy in this situation, but I'm not convinced you would know if you were genuinely happy.
One of my golden rules in relationships is that I won't change myself or the way I act because she wants me to. That simply doesn't work. It makes you feel restricted, it makes you feel guilty for acting like the person you are, and it makes you cautious with your girlfriend, and that is one of the worst things that can happen because it leads relationships down the road to ruin.
On the other hand, I believe deciding to change yourself to be a better man for your girl without her pressuring is usually a good thing, but that doesn't sound like that's what's happening. If you had chosen to stop watching porn because you wanted to be 100% faithful to her or what have you, that'd be great. Instead, however, she (conditionally) told you to stop, which now is making you cautious and feeling guilty for doing something completely normal for you.
Long and short of it, I'd be hesitant about changing how you act because of what she says, and don't feel guilty if you act the way you act; that's who you are. This is a mistake almost everyone makes in their first serious relationships, and it's one of the reasons they inevitably move on and find another girl after, having learned their lesson. It's hard, when you don't have much experience because you lack the perspective on your own behaviors that you gain from trying to make it work with different girls, but it is something everyone learns in their own time.
Sorry if I got a little prophetic on you there, just my two cents, but I'm not a definitive source for relationship advice either, I just hope that helps put everything into perspective.
Good luck brother, stay happy!
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Canada5154 Posts
I'm gonna add that your partner probably doesn't ever want to know when you're attracted to someone you know. It's unsettling and there's no need to tell anyone that -- being honest and open doesn't mean saying every fleeting thought you think.
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First of all: can't you just fap to the mental image of you and your gf having sex?
And second: if you end up feel guilty about doing something, stop doing it. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's definitely simple.
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intrigue
Washington, D.C9933 Posts
one of the prime expressions of individual freedom is the ability to fap to whatever you want to. why would you feel guilty? i'm not sure where to look up this statistic but i'd expect 98% of all humans past or present have fapped to someone they know personally, and all of those while in a relationship with someone else. i value honesty in relationships too but there is no need to tell her, it'd be like reporting the status of each of your shits. don't feel bad about it either.
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Thanks for replies, guys. I've also had such an idea that while something may not be considered significant, it would still rather be unnecessary to talk about.
@im a roc, I'm happy with my partner but as I said, I lack experience when it comes to relationships which results in lack of self-confidence sometimes. I'd rather not follow your "prophetic" (as you described) advice because it's a price I'm not willing to pay. I feel happy with my relationship overall.
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The way I see it, you should really have a long think about whether it's your conscience talking or fear from being found out or whatever. If it's your conscience, I'd listen to it. There's no reason to have expressions of individual freedom, as intrigue puts it, bring you down because you feel morally obliged not to listen to your conscience. Boy would that be backwards.
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http://www.lovelinetapes.com/shows/?id=1199&h=ODQ3YTViZDk 07/14/03 ~73:45 a little bit about guys needs their own space and masturbation.
I didn't have it timestamped, but many times (in other episodes) a girl will call in about how her BF watches porn or whatever and they get into the whole thing; "Why would he wanna look at other women? Am I not good enough? It's like the same as cheating." etc. These women simply don't understand the male drive/brain. See these are the same women who can't even watch porn because it's weird or don't see how it can even turn you on, because women are not visually primed like men are. They assume you have or want some emotional connection to these girls (because that is how they are turned on), when in reality we are just interested in the novelty and variety and usually aren't even thinking about stuff like that. We just wanna see some tits and ass, we just wanna bust a nut. It's like being hungry, or having to pee, it's just something we are driven to do. Once the goal is complete, we aren't thinking about it/ girls in porn anymore. And if we suppress this drive, god will jack you off in your sleep, or we might actually be driven to some other girl (if you're not getting sex as well).
And some girls will further argue that you should just be jacking off to her or thinking about her only. Which just isn't realistic. It's back to the novel/variety we seek, it's part of the same drive to release. Plus, if you are sleeping with the same girl for a long time it's kind of hard to fantasize about something you have at any moment- I mean you could just go have sex with her (if you live together), or you already have exhausted fantasies with her, or you guys have less exciting casual sex and it's obviously not interesting to beating off every time to your wife/partner of 5 years or something. And while the sex may still be good, it's work and not as simple as solo efforts. "Sex is good, but it's not the real thing."
Like really the only times I've ever thought about chicks I was with, was usually before or after we got together/brokeup. Or maybe in the honeymoon stage of the relationship when everything was still novel or she sent me some sexy pics. And this is pretty typical of all males.
So basically my advice to you is try to find some information that you can explain this to her and have her try and get over it and that you are into her etc. If she can't get over it then she has some other issues she needs to work out, because the relationship isn't going to work (nor will any of her future ones).
Also, sometimes you just have to set boundaries with chicks who like to test them. You just need to put your foot down and put them in their place. This may sound chauvinistic or sexist, but women need to be told what to do sometimes. If you let them control your life and shit they won't respect you as a man. They want a man in control etc.
The LDR is another topic in itself.
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I agree with Elly the Elephant.
This kinda falls under the category of 'things I don't want to hear about.' The point of honesty in a relationship is to increase intimacy and to help validate feelings that are normally too personal to share. It's not to just make each other feel jealous and unhappy.
Talking about it more generally is a good idea, but talking about a specific instance like this is gross. To me it sounds like you are really misplacing your own feelings of guilt and disloyalty onto her. If it makes you feel guilty and like a scumbag, maybe don't seek out and masturbate to pictures of other people? Or maybe you are really more afraid of her being attracted to other guys, knowing that you yourself are attracted to other girls? All I can say is that from your post, it doesn't look like she's had any part of this, it's just been going on in your own head.
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Wow, these are some pretty high quality responses
I don't think it's a bad idea for you to tell her pretty much exactly what you told us. If she's upset over you telling her the truth and admitting your "faults", then she is definitely being oversensitive and you will probably need to have a talk about it. I'm sure shes a perfectly reasonable person and will completely understand though. Worse case scenario, you can link her this thread and show her that everyone thinks you are normal. Good luck!
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I'm just here waiting for the Shauni post. *taptaptap*
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This is a fucking high pressure situation, man I don't know how you're handling these high stakes! You actually saw a picture of a girl in a bikini on her facebook! This is relationship ending shit.
Relax man, don't worry about it and move on. Definitely don't tell her a damn thing about it. If you tell her it means it meant something to you and will give you completely avoidable and unnecessary trouble.
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Clearly you feel like you're doing something wrong. It isn't up to your girlfriend on whether or not what you're doing is okay. There is no reason to bring her into this. You have a problem with yourself that you need to figure out. Is it ok to do what you're doing, or is it not okay? Which is it? Decide honestly, and your conscious will be satiated.
Edit: I just want to point out that I feel *this* issue is just an outcome of a deeper problem, mainly that you seem to lack some confidence. You need to make up your mind, take charge and make some decisions. You aren't going to grow if you don't step out of your comfort zone. It's very important to have the initiative to figure out what you need to do and have the character to execute.
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If it makes you feel like shit, then don't do it. Like Cecil said, basically. I went from masturbaiting to porn regularly, I got into a huge fight with my girl about it, then I stopped for her, but that was pretty much incredibly hard. I realized I had a problem and felt like shit about it, and then I decided to change myself. I felt much better afterwards. Make the decision that your conscience will like best, and then talk to your girl about it. Remember what you prize more though, when making the decision.
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MarlieChurphy summed up my thoughts perfectly. Jerking off to other women is a completely normal thing. As long as you don't desire to be in a relationship with them and you have no intentions of hooking up then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about.
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You shouldnt have to explain anything to her, imo. I mean girls watch porn as well. If you know you're going to see her tonight, don't go around and handle your manhandle like 1 hour before you see her, just be patient :p But other than that it's okay to wag your tail every now and then.
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On December 11 2013 18:11 Kaeru wrote:
Have to live in total denial if you think that your partner wont look or think that other people are sexy.
Thats pretty much the essnece of what I got out of the OP too.
Dont be ashamed of yourself. You look at other pretty girls who arnet your GF. Thats absolutely fine and absolutely normal. She might want to think that shes the only one in the world for you, but sooner or later reality is gonna have to hit her. You might as well hit her with it right away. Man up and tell her face to face that its completely normal and nothing she should ever expect you not to do. If she still cant accept it, well, you're in trouble. But lets just say I wouldnt stay with a girl like that. But if it comes to that point for you its obviously your call.
MarlieChurphy said it well too.
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On December 11 2013 16:18 CecilSunkure wrote:
Clearly you feel like you're doing something wrong. It isn't up to your girlfriend on whether or not what you're doing is okay. There is no reason to bring her into this. You have a problem with yourself that you need to figure out. Is it ok to do what you're doing, or is it not okay? Which is it? Decide honestly, and your conscious will be satiated.
Edit: I just want to point out that I feel *this* issue is just an outcome of a deeper problem, mainly that you seem to lack some confidence. You need to make up your mind, take charge and make some decisions. You aren't going to grow if you don't step out of your comfort zone. It's very important to have the initiative to figure out what you need to do and have the character to execute.
Yes, I agree that this may be just a "myself" problem. Sorry if it sounded to some people that I'm put under pressure from my girlfriend. A few comments (2-3 I think) felt like that to me at least. It's also possible that I didn't express myself as accurately as possible.
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EPT
