EPTI really hate to be overly cryptic, but even if my search for an outlet has led me to here, I'm still not fully comfortable with myself in this situation. While writing this my mind is still preoccupied with false hopes and the lies I keep telling myself. I find myself in and out of insane trains of thought that only serve to worsen my situation.
If I'm to be able to express myself earneslty, I feel I need to sort of come clean. This isn't the first time I "admitted" this, but it is the first time that the comfort of strangers had the slightest appeal. I have never been the most inspiring person. As a child I often kept to myself whenever I could. I liked to draw a lot and managed to immerse myself in vast phantasies encorporating cartoons and whatever interests small kids have (like knight, dinosaurs, playing soldier). I regularly played with friends, but was able to enjoy myself more thoroughly on my own. This led to me developing an inward character, and ultimately to some bullying. The bullying definitely had some effect on me, but I can't say it shaped me as much as other things in my life.
My relationship with school and education was and still is a trainwreck. I still remember having to learn cursive early on. I hated it, I hated it with such vigor that having to do it would sometimes ruin my whole day. The other elementary school subjects didn't leave much of an impression on me. All I know was that from a certain point onwards my grades started to go up fairly decently. I never applied myself all that much, as I was most often found engrossed in my own little world (which now included a gameboy, nintendo and a PC with some games). Looking back I find it a bit frightening how much of an escape those things were for me. I longed for the adventures that awaited me in my games while working at school, I dreamt of them during the nights. During the final grade of elementary school here in The Netherlands kids are tested with a nationwide test that claims it calculates the ease of learning for kids with a point system. I didn't score the highest in my class, but I scored high enough to earn admission in the most difficult path through middle/highschool.
The Dutch middle and highschool system consists of 3 basic pathways. One is a four year pathway that is meant for kids with the lowest learning capacities (to put it bluntly) and leads to further education in something that resembles community colleges a bit I believe. The second is a five year path that opens up the way for education on a college level. Finally we get the 6 year pathway that grants acces to university level education. That pathway starts as split between two other pathways, one of which is a bit more difficult because you get classes in Greek and Latin. I was elligible for that that path, but I chose the easier one, since I considered learning Greek and Latin complete bullshit and a waste of my time. To this day I do NOT regret that decision one bit.
The first three years I managed to breeze through with relative ease. After that began the highschool equivalent of our education system. You get to choose a coursepackage that is a bit more tailored to your own likes. That's also where the difficulty begins to rise, since you really do have to put in some effort. I didn't. At this point in my life I lost just about all motivation for school. I failed my fourth year and had to repeat it. I somehow managed to pass it the next year only to repeat the process in the fifth year. Since we're not allowed to be held back more than once in a path I had to drop to the middle path. Once again, with minimal effort and probably a stroke of undeserved luck I managed to pass with grades many of my then classmates would be happy with. I didn't care.
After my extended highschool career came the sudden vastness of life. I had to get further education to be able to make something of my life, as I had always been told. I chose to learn Japanese and develop skills around it to be able to function in a commercial surrounding. At least, that was how it could be explained. In all honesty, I didn't do much. I started with some enthusiasm, but that all quickly faded away. After a half year stint with Japanese I tried learning to become a System Admin... but there I developed a really nasty habit, one that haunts me still. You see, the courses were on a "community college" level. So the people that were in those courses were a bit younger, and all had a completely different mindset. At times I started to feel superior to some of them. Other times I had the greatest laughs with those guys. But that feeling of superiority grew somewhere inside of me. That attempt didn;'t really last long either.
Fast forward a few years I've been working parttime and have been trying to create a new mindset. I found out about a recently created Applied Psychology coursepackage at one of the colleges in my country. Sparked by interest and some pushing by parents and girlfriend I signed on for it. However, the same thing happened. I never ever felt any motivation whatsoever. I even got sick after going for a while, purely because of the stress I put on myself to go there. Those failures I experienced are a big part of my life, and my complete detachment from the world fuelled my problems.
Besides school there were two other great influences in my life, my parents and my girlfriend.
My parents... I don't really know how to describe this. I love them, I know they love me. They want to see me succeed in life, I know they would be proud if they saw me being happy. But I think their attempts to guide me have backfired in a way. Once it became apparent that I had some ability to learn I've been praised for my potential left and right. My parents probably wanted to foster that potential and tried to get me to be motivated for something like lawschool. When I, as a small child, expressed some interest in those people who make lot's of money, it might have been the start of another one of my problems. My parents, ever so gently, kept talking about how good it would be to be a well paid notary or lawyer, and I as the introverted kid was never able to express any interest in other things. And I have to honestly say, even if asked I wouldn't have. In my teen years, however, this proved to weigh down on me quite a lot. I didn't have any motivation to apply myself for school since what I was being "pushed" towards wasn't my own goal, and at that time I felt utterly lost trying to find what was my own goal.
So I didn't search for it. In stead, I played videogames. A lot. With so many different games, there were so many different ways to do what you wanted. That trap worsened for me with the discovery of WoW. As a horrible coincidence, my discovery of WoW was shortly after I met a girl that I would "spend" many years with. I quoted spend, because really... we didn't. WoW greatly amplified my desire to withdraw into my own world. And that desire lasted for quite a few years. My relationship was also riddled with horrible decisions.
Right now I feel like I'm coming to the main part of the story, the epic of somewhat dysfunctional people and their somewhat dysfunctional families. When I met my girlfriend I was 17 and she was 15. Apparently she liked me from the get go. I, on the other hand actually found her somehwat annoying. She was cute and physically attractive, yes. But she acted very introverted. I know, that coming from another introverted person, this comes off as incredibly hypocritical, and it is. I can't deny that I'm not a great person. We met at the small gym where I helped teach Taekwondo to small kids and sometimes to grown ups. So for me it was of some importance that I was social. I had to communicate with the kids, the head trainer, the parents and everybody I practised with myself. I hope you can see the contrast between the me she first saw and the me that I actually was.
Once I got to know her a bit I learned that she didn't have it easy herself. In fact, I was blessed with what I have and sometimes felt unappreciative of my situation because of it. I tried to reason my own problems away and saw her as somewhat of an outlet for my emotions. The few ones that I was able to express.
From this point forward the entire build up of this rollercoaster leads into a 180 degree dive downwards followed by an endless string of loops and corckscrews. She encouraged my decision to start the courses for Japanese but once it became apparent that I would be away from her fro quite a long while in the later years she became scared of that future. Coming from where she came from, I can definitley see now why. I meant freedom fort her. I was her escape from an incredibly controlling parent. And I got angry because of it. I'm a bit ashamed of it, I know it was wrong. I blamed her for not supporting me.
At that time I found myself in a very deep hole and realising that I didn't have her full support, I crashed. I attempted suicide not long after. Actually, I can't really call it an attempt. You either jump in front of that damn train or you don't. Do, or do not. There is no try. I was saved by someone. A girl in my class for some reason refused to take her train and in stead waited with me for my train. She had to wait another 15 minutes or so afterwards to get a train to her hometown. We talked a bit and when I stepped in my train I started to think a bit. I watched each station pass by and in stead of getting out and prepare for my attempt, our conversation stuck in my head. I eventually got out at my stop and looked back. I didn't want to kill myself for some reason.
That didn't stop the problems. I was too afraid to admit I was "weak" and too proud to acknowledge it at the same time. In stead I buried myself in WoW and neglected my girlfriend far too often. I hope that at this point you are wondering why she was staying with me. I am doing the same thing. She had her difficulties aswel. Problems at school and at home with her parents now going through a very ugly divorce. Although she won't speak a word about it now, I did support her with both things. I actually helped her prepare for some of her exams. She even credited me on her passing of some, in stead of her teachers. She was with me a lot of the times during the divorce, even though I wasn't really there with her.
In 2008 we broke up. I had a complete mental breakdown. I blamed her for stuff I had just as much fault in. It was a spur of the moment, and it led to a weird part where we were kind of seeing eachother, but were in complete denial about it. My thoughts behind it were to allow for some time for us to be individually able to improve while steadilly building up a relationship. I still believe that method is what is needed between us. The only problem is, we royally fucked that attempt up. We ended up announcing we were back together without having solved any of our problems. I was still the asshole I was before, and now I sometimes used my "conditions" to excuse my behavior for myself.
There is so much detail to go into about our relationship, but I can't do that here and now. Suffice to say that we had the biggest downs possible, but I also managed to see some of the highest ups for myself. She knew somewhat about what I was going through and she tried to get me to do something about it. The problem was, offering a helping hand to someone who doesn't know how to really look for it is a fruitless effort.
Now, imagine having gone through all this and more. Imagine realising what the people around you truly mean to you. Realising what you are doing to those people. Realising that your girlfriend is unhappy because of you, but still continues to fight for you. That was a powerful moment for me. I still don't know what triggered it. It felt so sudden, like a ray of sunshine breaking the clouds after a long rainy day. It made me realise my love for her and that I absolutely neglected to give her what SHE deserved. It made me realise that my own needs had to be overcome and dealt with. So I decided to tell her everything. Absolutely everything. And ask her if she would still help me, still fight for me. It didn't go really well. That day I had a bit of a fight with my sister about my girlfriend, and when she got to my home we also kind of clashed. It was about just a few incredibly stupid things. I felt absolutely discouraged to talk to her afterwards and even felt a bit uncomfortable around her.
Finally I brought up the idea about bringing her home for the night. I didn't articulate it well, and in turn she took it as me trying to break up with her again. She also managed to articulate it badly so I caught on as her saying we should break up. At that moment I was broken. My entire plan was torn asunder with a jackhammer. It went from "confess, bond, finally get an engagement ring" to breaking up. Breaking up over a mistake no less. I was under the impression that she was determined in this decision, even if she kinda broke down and said she didn't wanted it like this that evening. The next weekend I get 2 mails from her in which she told me how she felt. Those mails said what were supposed to be said that evening, but I didn't know how to respond. I was thoroughly broken. The suicidal urge I left behind for 6 years had come back.
Early the next week she broke off all points of contact we had. I exploded. It felt like everything she said was a lie, I felt toyed with. I was overflowing with venomous emotions as I wrote the most horrible mail I have ever written. It was filled with spite and hate. I doesn't reflect my feelings for her one tiny bit. But it made an impact that I couldn't salvage.
We got back in contact after that and decided to at least treat eachother fairly. We even arranged for a date in november, but other responsibilities got in the way for both of us. I felt refreshed at this point. I made a promise to myself to give the confession another shot. I had already set my mind on seeing a psychologist and I was planning on increasing my education to be able to support at least myself and hopefully the both of us. We decided to go on a date the 12th of december. We would go and eat and see the Hobbit movie afterwards. After the movie we would have plenty of time to talk.
I can't believe how nervous I was that day. She looked great, though I could see she was suffering from some stress. It was apparent that we still had a connection and as much as I tried to take it slow, we ended up having sex. I tried my confession afterwards, explaining that I need my time to fix it and needed her with me to do it. I thought I connected those feelings properly.
Christmas came and went, we didn't spend it together. In fact, we didn't have much contact throughout the last few weeks of december. She left on a trip in the night the 2nd day of christmas and came back two days later. She lost a lot of stuff during the trip so she was busy with insurance and police and all. I didn't really want to feel like a bother so I left her alone. Truth was that I was having another sort of breakdown sinds before christmas. I managed to hide it away thanks to a heavy workload. On oldyear's day I was looking forward to having a chat with her later on and maybe even see if we could go somewhere. She wasn't online and since she had lost her phone I couldn't contact her. I felt lost and that evening passed ever so slowly.
Somewhere after 1 pm the other day she comes online. She doesn't say a word, so I get a bit annoyed. I start the conversation with a "happy newyears" and she replies in the same fashion. Normally she's incredibly talkative towards me, so her sudden cold attitude was a shock. I pushed her a bit and asked what she did last night. What I heard next both stunned and broke me at the same time. She went out to a party on the other side of the country (small country so 2.5 hour train trip). With a guy I know and his friend. This girl had anxiety attacks when I tried taking her out. I gave up going to festivals because I thought it would burden her more than it would be fun for her. And here she just up and went. On a whim. In all those years we never did that. And I know what great shows I missed because of it. I broke down. Completely. She was defensive and left soon because she hadn't slept all night.
In the day after I tried talking to her, but she still reacted coldly. It ended up with her saying: I have no responsibility towards you because we're not in a relationship. While true, I couldn't believe I heard this from the girl I have know for over 7 years. In the coming days I broke down completely, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions that I never had before. She suddenly told me that her feelings were gone. I don't even know if I ever meant anything to her at that point. I realised that I was the one that pushed her away. I realise that I was at fault. But for this to happen at the point where I was hoping to take my second chance at our relatioship, my second chance at a good life. And for it to happen during my breakdown over an online platform. She wouldn't ever give me more than what I felt was a shallow answer. I felt she was evading my feelings towards her. I felt that she didn't give me even the slightest chance to prove her wrong. I felt as though she made absolutely no effort to test her feelings for me herself. She decided this in my absence. She even refused to meet me.
What happened during the first week of this year is probably the blackest moment in my life. In my emotions I pleaded with her and sometimes in my fear, confusion, grief and frustration I said some hurtful things. Small things that I didn't even followed up on, things that I apologised for. But she grapsed those things to turn them against me. Refusing to meet me because she said she was worried I would hurt her. At that point I felt hurt like I never felt before. When the one you love expresses she fears you, it's like she stepped on the tiny bit that was left of me with the intent to crush me completely. We eventually met up this week, she insisted on doing it in a public place with someone she knew around. I was fuming but I agreed. When we "talked" I never got the feeling she could earnestly look me in the eye. She only did it at the time when she tried to lash out at me. Not for the things I did over the course of our relationship, but over the course of the previous week. Even in person she didn't seem to even try to see things from my point of view. She grasped so firmly to the few words she had said last week. And few they were. For with everything I said to her I was greeted by virtually the same thing. I couldn't force her feelings and she couldn't/wouldn't explain her feelings further. All the while I grew more desperate in finding a way to connect with her.
Right now I am lost in my feelings. I love her, I care for her, I hate what she is trying to portray me as and I worry for her because she is actually doing some of the things I did before. Most of all, I feel left behind by her. And all this at the point where I am starting over. I started seeing a psychologist and I even found a way to get a degree. A degree that I wanted to challenge with a different motivation. For the longest time, I felt a huge gaping emptiness inside of me, for a moment that emptiness filled up completely. But now, after all that happened the emptiness is back, it is no longer contained within me. my skin and bones that felt like the barrier that held the emptiness within have given way to the dark feeling. I wake up every day feeling like I am nothing, not worthless, just absolute nothingness, as I wonder what I let myself become.
For those who actually managed to plow through that enormous wall of text, thank you. I apologise for any spellingmistakes made, but I don't really feel like proofreading this.
First blogpost, how's this for setting the bar?
