EPTBest story ever? - Page 4
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Proposal
United States1310 Posts
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gremling
Germany30 Posts
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rredtooth
5459 Posts
It turned out to be 24 pages long... | ||
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
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arglactable
United States16 Posts
I made a nice spell-checked pdf out of it for awesomeness-archiving purposes. and printed it for my own reading enjoyment when I am not able to access my computer (school...) | ||
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nAi.PrOtOsS
Canada784 Posts
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p4ge
Canada160 Posts
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report) | ||
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Glider
United States1353 Posts
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Osmoses
Sweden5302 Posts
realized I couldn't say it ended in a pun because that in itself was a spoiler. I liked the story, I think it had potential to become more, but the ending was at least unexpected and ridiculous enough to appreciate. Edit 2: I read the chili one and laughed so hard I think I busted a rib. Love of language indeed. | ||
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misclick
Korea (South)155 Posts
On January 08 2009 15:57 Demoninja wrote: I just kept saying "Oh my god" after I finished that. SAME HERE. FUCK. | ||
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Oxygen
Canada3581 Posts
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Durak
Canada3684 Posts
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Not_Computer
Canada2277 Posts
i almost fell out of my chair... ARGH, i have mixed emotions about that ending... so angry yet i'm laughing too... it coulda been so much more but ... argh! what an ending! | ||
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Ichigo1234551
United States649 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + Wow the ending is so funny. freaking i wasted like 15 minutes... | ||
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Djabanete
United States2786 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + A train conductor gets mad at a little kid for some reason and throws him out the window of the moving train. He is tried, found guilty, and sentenced to death. He languishes in prison for a while, and eventually it comes time for him to have his last meal, which of course he is allowed to pick. He asks for the Rare Bolivian Banana, which can only be found deep in the perilous Bolivian jungle. This is the part that you can string out as long as you want; every time people are sent into the jungle, some hazard prevents them from securing the banana, so they have to leave and come back with some specific item, be it mosquito repellent, Uzis, polarized sunglasses, portable freezers, whatever. This goes on for a while --- like maybe ten repetitions. Finally they get the banana and bring it to the man, who eats it and complains that it was a bit mushy. The next morning he is brought to the electric chair. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. This is the other part that you can string out as much as you want: they can't figure out what's wrong, they check the connections, they check the apparatus, they buy extension cords, check the fuse box, call in some electrical engineers to see if they can diagnose the problem, etc etc etc. Finally, the man says: + Show Spoiler + Well, I guess I'm just a lousy conductor! | ||
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kransekake
Norway24 Posts
On January 10 2009 10:19 Oxygen wrote: I had no reaction to the ending. Same here. I guess I was waiting for something epic, since the story was so well-written and interesting. Please don't say the joke is epic itself  | ||
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RebirthOfLeGenD
USA5860 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + for those hating on the punchline and how it ruined the first story for you, sucks man. That made me appreciate it so much more. I mean I read the entire thing and was wondering what deep profound ending it would have, and it had me in a really serene mood at the time, then the ending just made me go "T_____T LOOOOOOOOOOL" I dunno what I was expecting, but definitely not that. It was quite refreshing way to wake up from the mentality of what would the wisest man in the world do if he had the option to end it. Then punchline slapped, those who say it is really anticlimactic need to appreciate getting owned :D | ||
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Cpt Obvious
Germany3073 Posts
Oh and the Chili one is fricken hilarious, you people must have like no sense of humour or something. I'm imagining a typical New Yorker sitting in a chair between two rednecks in flanell shirts and coqboy hats, his head red like an overly ripe tomato, tongue hanging out, gasping for air, while surprisingly eloquently elaborating his obvious discomfort. Pure genius if you ask me. | ||
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Durak
Canada3684 Posts
On January 10 2009 13:13 Cpt Obvious wrote:Oh and the Chili one is fricken hilarious, you people must have like no sense of humour or something. I'm imagining a typical New Yorker sitting in a chair between two rednecks in flanell shirts and coqboy hats, his head red like an overly ripe tomato, tongue hanging out, gasping for air, while surprisingly eloquently elaborating his obvious discomfort. Pure genius if you ask me. "My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt" So eloquent. | ||
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Cpt Obvious
Germany3073 Posts
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