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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 09 2013 09:38 Mikau wrote:
To summarize, I think most of my problems are me overthinking and overcomplicating things. As far as I know though, fixing that isn't as simple as simply stopping it. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I can't turn off my brain. What I can and should though, is improving other areas and hoping the rest comes naturally.
To the 20-something guys that are bummed out ...
One thing that helped me get over my dating anxiety is realizing that it's not all about me.
Let's say you ask a girl out for coffee, and they say no. It might be because they're not your type. But it also might be because they had a crappy day and don't want to deal with anybody, or they just got out of a relationship, or they are still sort of in a relationship, or they are obsessed with this one guy at work already that unfortunately isn't you.
Or maybe they're just fucking nuts, have horrible taste and you're better off.
There are a million reasons why someone might not go out with you, that have nothing to do with YOU.
Focus on doing things you want to do, take pride in those things, and plant seeds ("Can I buy you a cup of coffee?") until you've figured out the kinds of girls that are fertile ground for you.
And don't raise the stakes by building up your expectations, on other people or yourself. So what if someone, guy or girl, doesn't want to have coffee with you? It's just a cup of coffee.
Physics, eh? There aren't that many girls into physics. But there are girls that hate meatheads and are interested in brainy, studious guys. I vote that you should just keep doing your thing.
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I'm not much interested in dating myself (22). Never dated yet, don't really plan to. Find it's far too much effort for the benefits and the small chance of things going right, and even if it does go right, it'll just continue to take effort to keep it stable. So yeah, not much interested in it.
But anyway. Advice I've gotten is basically just ask out as many girls as you can. It's a numbers game, and the worst that can happen is they ignore or reject you. Also aim high. The really pretty ones (not whorish looking ones, pretty ones), tend to not get asked out much, and are probably far more willingly to date you than you think.
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On January 08 2013 21:56 XiaoJoyce- wrote:Show nested quote +On January 07 2013 14:35 synapse wrote:On January 06 2013 22:27 XiaoJoyce- wrote:
I fall for this guy, who used to msg me all the time. And ask me out.
Recently it is the other way round, I msg him all the time, but he took very long to reply me. . .
Is it over?? LOL didn't you blog about some guy problems back in the day Is it?? That is so long ago, this is another guy. Any hints from guys, to tell if he is still interested in u or no...
If hes intiating conversations with you, about anything period, then hes interested. Guys don't have conversations to just conversate, that only happens at work when we are bored.
Other than that it should be obvious signs, asking you what your plans are for future days etc.
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alright here it is my story of how being friends with a girl doesn't completely screw you over.
leggo:
+ Show Spoiler +So it all started out this summer, I knew this girl only because she was in our friend group but we only had mutual friends. Then my friend hosted a pool party and I finally met her, she seemed really cool and chill we had some small talk and then went on our way. Then a few days later after the SAT a few of my friends and i did relay for life which is a walkathon for cancer and she was in the same group as me seeing as we have mutual friends. We talked alot more here and found out we were both going to the Childish Gambino concert. So the concert came and we went together with a couple friends and by the end of the night we were talking nonstop and doing all the normal nonsense (lolz). We exchanged numbers and as soon as i got home i got a text saying how her ears were still ringning blah blah random concert talk. Then a few days later I texted her asking if she wanted to hang so we did. Eventually this hanging and texting went from small talk and hanging out once a week or two, to hanging out 4-5 days a week and texting nonstop. Weird thing was, neither one of us was trying to make a move it was mainly just a friendship. As the summer went along a bunch of our friends started to suspect that we were dating. We denied it and denied it and laughed it off. Eventually she started to develop feelings for me and I her, but we were both too shy to do anything about it because we both thought the other didnt like us. So we stayed friends until one day i was like screw it im going for it. Deathly afraid of the friendzone i made sure that i wasn't gonna go ahead and directly express my feelings. I made the comment "a lot of people talk about us being together, what do you think? are they crazy?" and she said "well not entirely crazy no i mean we do hang and talk all the time" so at this point i asked "do you think there is something more than friends here?" and she nodded. BUT i wasn't clear yet, i had to further probe. "what would you say to taking this further, and possibly dating?"
then the longest moment(so it seemed to me) and a "i would like that a lot, so yea!"
I HAD DONE IT! Not only had i secured a beautiful and smart girl but she was also a really good friend of mine at the time.
It's been 5 months so far and while that does not seem long we are still going strong. We rarely fight and both of us have decided that if there is any issue that we should talk it out immediately. It totally works out.
TLDR:+ Show Spoiler + started hanging out with a mutual friend in friend group, led to a good friendship, led to dating.
advice? to be honest the best advice i can give someone for not getting stuck into the friendzone in the first place is:
A. contrary to belief dont flirt with her because that just confuses girls half the time and if you don't make a move you get friendzoned even faster
B. instead of flirting just pay her a TRUE compliment once in a while. ex: hey your hair looks really nice today/ i really like the colors of your eyes. stuff like that ya know?
C. just treat her as you would your bestfriend, but note this DO NOT I REPEAT..DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH PERSONAL ISSUES RELATING TO OTHER BOYS. YOU ARE FUCKED IF YOU DO.
D. there really isnt a sure fire way to stay/get out of the friendzone its mainly up to fate to decide if you were meant to be just friends or something more. (although sometimes you can change fate  )
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I'd only really emphasize the latter part of C.
It really is the trademark friendzone move that guys should avoid unquestionably. And if you're questioning anything at all just ask youself this: "Would Millhouse do it?"
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For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there.
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On January 09 2013 13:34 Xenocryst wrote:
For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there.
I really wouldn't be telling that to the most friendzone-able demographic out there. And that includes me, obviously.
It is kind of true, but the second part is next-to-impossible. "Friends to be friends" is dangerous as hell if you already like the girl, because at that point you're friendzoning yourself.
It's a great approach for new acquaintnaces to see if there are any sparks, but it's not the way to your desperate, doesn't-even-know-I-exist crush's heart. And I say that as someone who tried it several times in high school and college.
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On January 09 2013 13:57 Belisarius wrote:Show nested quote +On January 09 2013 13:34 Xenocryst wrote:
For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there. I really wouldn't be telling that to the most friendzone-able demographic out there. And that includes me, obviously. It is kind of true, but the second part is next-to-impossible. "Friends to be friends" is dangerous as hell if you already like the girl, because at that point you're friendzoning yourself. It's a great approach for new acquaintnaces to see if there are any sparks, but it's not the way to your desperate, doesn't-even-know-I-exist crush's heart. And I say that as someone who tried it several times in high school and college.
This is exactly what I'm saying, if you're not ready to just be friends with somebody and not have a relationship you probably aren't mature enough for a relationship, the "friend-zone" doesn't really exist, if you are friends with somebody and there's a mutual attraction it can happen, "friend-zone" is just an excuse girls use if they don't want to be in a relationship. If you just look for friendship in a girl that's the best way to get with them, I'm not saying it will always work, it won't, but it's the best way to get into healthy relationships.
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On January 09 2013 14:08 Xenocryst wrote:Show nested quote +On January 09 2013 13:57 Belisarius wrote:On January 09 2013 13:34 Xenocryst wrote:
For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there. I really wouldn't be telling that to the most friendzone-able demographic out there. And that includes me, obviously. It is kind of true, but the second part is next-to-impossible. "Friends to be friends" is dangerous as hell if you already like the girl, because at that point you're friendzoning yourself. It's a great approach for new acquaintnaces to see if there are any sparks, but it's not the way to your desperate, doesn't-even-know-I-exist crush's heart. And I say that as someone who tried it several times in high school and college. if you're not ready to just be friends with somebody and not have a relationship you probably aren't mature enough for a relationship
I'm sure most people have had before, and probably still have, friends (non-sexual) of the opposite sex, so what maturity is left to prove here? We've had friends before, but now with this one person we want more than that, why should we act as if we don't?
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A couple of years ago, I asked a girl out that i met at the movie theater, and i snagged her number. Later on through texts, we decided to go see a movie for our date. After much debate, she insisted on seeing some random vampire movie i had never heard of. I thought cool, scary movie shes gonna be hanging on to me, whatever. So we meet up at the movies, grab some snacks from the vendor and head into the movie. We found a few seats about midway up, so we go and sit down.
After what seemed to be a half-hour of previews, the movie starts. From what i remember, the camera pans around a parking lot, and then shows some ugly guy with a skeleton like face. The whole damn theater erupted with screams from girls. I looked around and noticed a whole bunch of highschool aged girls in the seats. Like, a ridiculous amount. The theater was filled with them. I found it very strange, and even more strange that i hadn't noticed it when i walked in.
After that had happened and about 15minutes into the movie, there was a strange air in the room. My eyebrows furrowed trying to figure out what was so out of place. It felt like my soul was slowly being drained from my body, but i dismissed it because i could see nothing wrong. Though my eyebrows remained furrowed.
I noticed as time went on, that this movie was not scary. At least not for girls. The more i watched the more i wanted to cling on to her, for her to comfort me, to tell me it was alright... I wanted to dig my face into her B-cup breasts and weep.
The roles had been reversed, no longer was the girl the one who needed comfort, it was the boy. For this movie was something no man should ever see. Gentlemen, this movie was none other than Twilight.
And i had been set up.
I didn't know until weeks later what the movie and the whole title itself represented or was. Its almost disturbing how easy i was lured into something like that as well, as i consider myself a pretty perceptive guy. I definitely lost a little piece of myself that night, and it slipped away like a bare ass fart.
After the movie, i treated her to some pie at village inn, where she started talking to me about her lord and savior jesus christ. The small, insignificant string that was still holding any future plans we had together snapped, as if it were trying to hold up a constipated elephant that had eaten cinderblocks for a few days.
And thats pretty much it. It wasn't a horrible emotional experience like some of you probably have had.
Wait yes it was
Excuse me while i repeatedly slam my face into my keyboard. 90aw23a9F3;cf9;Ujaw3foC8;ja3wfKo8;jaw3fTo8jaw3oWfl3awoI8f3awLo8fhkIlisdsdGgggggHTggggg
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Pretty solid first post if I do say so myself. Was that the first movie? I guess that's understandable.
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On January 09 2013 10:51 Defacer wrote:Show nested quote +On January 09 2013 09:38 Mikau wrote:
To summarize, I think most of my problems are me overthinking and overcomplicating things. As far as I know though, fixing that isn't as simple as simply stopping it. As much as I'd like to sometimes, I can't turn off my brain. What I can and should though, is improving other areas and hoping the rest comes naturally. To the 20-something guys that are bummed out ... One thing that helped me get over my dating anxiety is realizing that it's not all about me. Let's say you ask a girl out for coffee, and they say no. It might be because they're not your type. But it also might be because they had a crappy day and don't want to deal with anybody, or they just got out of a relationship, or they are still sort of in a relationship, or they are obsessed with this one guy at work already that unfortunately isn't you. Or maybe they're just fucking nuts, have horrible taste and you're better off. There are a million reasons why someone might not go out with you, that have nothing to do with YOU. Focus on doing things you want to do, take pride in those things, and plant seeds ("Can I buy you a cup of coffee?") until you've figured out the kinds of girls that are fertile ground for you. And don't raise the stakes by building up your expectations, on other people or yourself. So what if someone, guy or girl, doesn't want to have coffee with you? It's just a cup of coffee. Physics, eh? There aren't that many girls into physics. But there are girls that hate meatheads and are interested in brainy, studious guys. I vote that you should just keep doing your thing.
Just want to chime in, if they think you look like a catch, more than likely they'll be willing to give you a chance with coffee at the very least. Doesn't mean there's a problem if they don't think you're a 10, but pretending like "You're fine, it's THEM!" doesn't help anybody. It just makes one more bitter.
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On January 09 2013 10:58 killa_robot wrote:
I'm not much interested in dating myself (22). Never dated yet, don't really plan to. Find it's far too much effort for the benefits and the small chance of things going right, and even if it does go right, it'll just continue to take effort to keep it stable. So yeah, not much interested in it.
But anyway. Advice I've gotten is basically just ask out as many girls as you can. It's a numbers game, and the worst that can happen is they ignore or reject you. Also aim high. The really pretty ones (not whorish looking ones, pretty ones), tend to not get asked out much, and are probably far more willingly to date you than you think.
I'm 27 and feel the same way. The only reason I would date someone is for the sex but everything else that is required in a typical relationship isn't worth it imo. And if you think about it, it's not fair to the girl at all if she's looking for something more which they usually are. I also never want to get married so I wouldn't want to put myself in a position that could potentially lead to that.
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On January 09 2013 14:33 Matoo- wrote:Show nested quote +On January 09 2013 14:08 Xenocryst wrote:On January 09 2013 13:57 Belisarius wrote:On January 09 2013 13:34 Xenocryst wrote:
For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there. I really wouldn't be telling that to the most friendzone-able demographic out there. And that includes me, obviously. It is kind of true, but the second part is next-to-impossible. "Friends to be friends" is dangerous as hell if you already like the girl, because at that point you're friendzoning yourself. It's a great approach for new acquaintnaces to see if there are any sparks, but it's not the way to your desperate, doesn't-even-know-I-exist crush's heart. And I say that as someone who tried it several times in high school and college. if you're not ready to just be friends with somebody and not have a relationship you probably aren't mature enough for a relationship I'm sure most people have had before, and probably still have, friends (non-sexual) of the opposite sex, so what maturity is left to prove here? We've had friends before, but now with this one person we want more than that, why should we act as if we don't?
I'm not saying you can't want to have them, but if you're at the point where you aren't capable of moving on and just being their friend after they say no, that's unhealthy.
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Basically comes down to throwing your ego out of the equation, and take lots of risks. If u fail, big deal, learn and move on. First time u played sc how hard did u fail..?
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On January 09 2013 14:08 Xenocryst wrote:Show nested quote +On January 09 2013 13:57 Belisarius wrote:On January 09 2013 13:34 Xenocryst wrote:
For everybody who's given up here, it's not that hard, I'm not invalidating that it feels hard, I used to feel the same way myself. All it really takes is being friends first. And don't get to be friends with them expecting a relationship, just be their friend to be their friend and work from there. I really wouldn't be telling that to the most friendzone-able demographic out there. And that includes me, obviously. It is kind of true, but the second part is next-to-impossible. "Friends to be friends" is dangerous as hell if you already like the girl, because at that point you're friendzoning yourself. It's a great approach for new acquaintnaces to see if there are any sparks, but it's not the way to your desperate, doesn't-even-know-I-exist crush's heart. And I say that as someone who tried it several times in high school and college. This is exactly what I'm saying, if you're not ready to just be friends with somebody and not have a relationship you probably aren't mature enough for a relationship, the "friend-zone" doesn't really exist, if you are friends with somebody and there's a mutual attraction it can happen, "friend-zone" is just an excuse girls use if they don't want to be in a relationship. If you just look for friendship in a girl that's the best way to get with them, I'm not saying it will always work, it won't, but it's the best way to get into healthy relationships.
sorry dude, but as a guy who used to constantly get friendzoned due to shyness and submissiveness, I have to disagree with you completely. while it's completely true that great romantic relationships can start from friendships, it doesn't mean that the friendzone doesn't exist. practically everyone (women and men) have proof of the friendzone being a real thing, and that proof is the fact that you're probably friends with at least one person of the opposite gender that you hold absolutely no sexual attraction towards. for example, I have some really good female friends that I have no desire to ever date, and if they asked me out, I'd say no. that's the friendzone.
also, as to your "it's just an excuse for a girl not wanting a relationship" comment, I'm calling BS because I think a lot of guys have had the experience of asking someone out, they say no and then they're dating someone the week after.
edit: to put it another way (perhaps more clear), you say "if you are friends with somebody and there's a mutual attraction it can happen." the friendzone is exactly what happens when the attraction is one-sided.
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On January 09 2013 10:58 killa_robot wrote:
I'm not much interested in dating myself (22). Never dated yet, don't really plan to. Find it's far too much effort for the benefits and the small chance of things going right, and even if it does go right, it'll just continue to take effort to keep it stable. So yeah, not much interested in it.
But anyway. Advice I've gotten is basically just ask out as many girls as you can. It's a numbers game, and the worst that can happen is they ignore or reject you. Also aim high. The really pretty ones (not whorish looking ones, pretty ones), tend to not get asked out much, and are probably far more willingly to date you than you think.
Far too much effort? I'd like to respond by saying that as time passes, there's a good chance that changing your lifestyle to attract the opposite sex or attract other people in general will become of a high interest to you. Trying to hunt women down with your penis is similar to jerking off to porn in the sense that the goal is simply consumption- to have sex without purpose. Do you feel that way? Because having sex can be a great way to run off with your imagination and experience life. At least it operates like that for a while, you may become bored of having the same partner and want something else
It could be possible that the environment you currently live in is not allowing you to get a good enough idea of what a sexually oriented lifestyle is like. In terms of making the effort, you could say 'when you want it you'll want it'... but I think you need to understand that what you currently do with your time is likely pigeonholing you into living a way that is non sexual, but of course frustration occurs due to your throbbing dick. Take some time to think about what YOU want sexually, and achieving it will fall into place. If you simply want to have sex with girls, which you don't, then don't go up to girls solely for the point of having sex. Use your imagination, and take sex further than just a repetitive hammering of vaginas. It's not a game, it's a bodily experience that is not to be missed by anyone- I really don't want you to get down on sex man!
Anything that appears to require too much effort may indicate that you feel entitled to being rewarded for not working... a life is lived both working and being rewarded. Work is living, and your dick will only get stronger and harder the harder you work, resulting in a massive reward you and your partner. Get out there and make something of yourself!
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I've been dating a number of girls short-to-medium term before my 20th birthday.
Then I completely fell for the most fascinating, beautiful and charming dancer on this planet. We've been together ever since, got married and are now expecting a child. Among all my numerous friends I think we are the happiest couple 
![[image loading]](http://us.cdn4.123rf.com/168nwm/dacosta/dacosta0804/dacosta080400043/2875898-couple-dancers-silhouette-vector-illustration.jpg)
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On January 09 2013 16:16 Alex1Sun wrote:I've been dating a number of girls short-to-medium term before my 20th birthday. Then I completely fell for the most fascinating, beautiful and charming dancer on this planet. We've been together ever since, got married and are now expecting a child. Among all my numerous friends I think we are the happiest couple
Ohhh congrats man!
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EPT
