The Letting Off Steam Thread - Page 152

FOR FUCKS SAKE I DONT GET YOU WOMAN!

I hate how brood war fans are ga-ga over hive tech zvz. It's so fucking stupid. I want to donkey-punch everyone in the face. Also, this one guy killed me like 5 times in a row on Planetside 2. I really wanted to kill him, but he was some kind of level 100 try-hard. But back to stupid brood war shit. Let's talk about what's not awesome: seeing units that exist in the game and being amazed that you are seeing them in the game. For example, Scouts. It's all "omg scouts, this is nuts", okay, so what? It's a fun novelty, but not worth flipping a desk over.

I read his life story, and I also noticed he was constantly splashing his drinks on people's faces. Like, who does that shit? This is a typical night for him:

Elliot: *broods*

Chance: Yo, guys, what's up! I just got this fine shawty's number and we gon hook up.

Elliot: I bet you're a virgin!

Chance: Dude, naw, I been fuckin' bitches since I was 13. My first girl was this hot blonde bitch and damn she was fine.

Elliot: You're lying! *splashes drink on Chance, then runs to his room crying*

Elliot's diary: That night, I spent the entire evening crying and sobbing into my pillow for hours. The world is so unfair. How can that guy get a girlfriend and not me? I'm magnificent.


Getting pulled over by a police officer:

Police: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Elliot: Because I am beautiful, intelligent and magnificent? WHY WON'T GIRLS DATE ME?

Police: You were going 20 over, license and registration please.

Elliot: *screams and bursts into tears* I HATE YOU

Police: License and-

Elliot: *Splashes orange juice in cop's face, drives off*

Elliot's diary: Earlier today, this police officer pulled me over. He had a buzzcut and was totally obnoxious, and I bet he gets to experience pleasure and sex and love with his beautiful girlfriend that he doesn't deserve.



Blizzard releases expansion to WoW that noobs up the game:

Elliot: *splashes orange juice on the screen, then drinks wine until he vomits*

Elliot's diary: On the Day of Retribution, Blizzard's CEO will be paid back for all the crimes he's committed against me by making it easier for noobs to get high-level armor. Also, I splashed orange on my computer and now I need to ask my mom to buy me a new one. Damn it.



He sees a stray cat:

Cat: Meow

Elliot: I wish I could rid the world of all you cats, you wretched creatures. *attempts to splash orange juice on the cat, but it gets away*

Elliot's diary: Today, I saw this damned cat, and I bet he lives in a nicer house than I do, and gets to watch his male owner have sex with beautiful hot blonde women that I can never have, and sometimes joins in. Even a cat is getting female sex and love and pleasure.



Godzilla attacks:

Citizens of Tokyo: AHHHH GOJIRA

Elliot: Damn you, Godzilla. If I ruled the world, I would build a giant laser and stop you from destroying civilization, but first, I would use my power and prestige to get laid, and get pleasure and love and sex from beautiful women. Oh yeah, and drink some orange juice, you gigantic reptilian fuck. *splashes orange juice on Godzilla*

Elliot's diary: It turns out, Godzilla's only weakness is orange juice and I have saved humanity from his reign of terror. It felt good because the instant I met Godzilla, I hated him. He always looked down on me and judged me, and I saw him at the beach holding hands with a beautiful young blonde girl, and he must've been in heaven, having sex with that girl every day and holding her and experiencing her love and pleasure. I'm just glad I had a glass of orange juice with me at the time.



Elliot Rodger meets a second Elliot Rodger:

Elliot 1: Are you a virgin?

Elliot 2: I am a virgin, what about you?

Elliot 1: *hangs head in shame* Yes, I'm also a virgin.

*both Elliots splash orange juice on each other simultaneously, then both run to opposite rooms to burst into tears*

Elliot's diary: Well, today was really weird. I met my damned clone, and I bet he's going to get laid before me. Imagine that, being bested by a copy of yourself. Life is so unfair. I am magnificent, beautiful and intelligent, not him! But he is, because he's me. How can I have sex with a beautiful tall blonde girl before me? I bet that damned clone is writing the exact same thing in his diary-clone, because he has a copy of everything I have, only slightly better, I'm sure of it.

Elliot's 2nd diary: Life is so cruel. It turns out I have a clone, damn it. This means that the odds of me losing my virginity have been halved effectively. I am adding a preliminary phase to my Day of Retribution: I must duel my clone to the death with MY KNIFE. He's so annoying, I hate him. Well, he's me, but still, I can't let his penis experience the inside of a vagina before mine does.



Elliot gets laid:

Girl: Oh, Elliot, that was sooooo... not good. Do you always cry during sex?

Elliot: Damn it, I'm so obnoxious and cocky. I hate me, and can't understand why females like yourself who are beautiful, tall, blonde and attractive would get together and give pleasure and love and sex to me instead of giving it to me.

Girl: W...what?

Elliot: Sorry, this is new to me, that was just a natural reflex. So is this. *splashes orange juice on girl*

Elliot's diary: Today, I found out the one thing that is more unfair than being alone and rejected by females: Being in a relationship. Damn it, this sucks. The bitch wants me to take her to The Olive Garden for our anniversary? She complains that I never take her anywhere nice and I took her that movie premiere of Star Wars Episode 7: Please Stop Making More of These, because I am a huge Star Wars fan, and I thought the movie was amazing and was speechless afterward, but she didn't appreciate the fact that I could even get the tickets for this momentous cinematic event, because my mom is friends with George Lucas. I once dumped my drink on George Lucas' head. I bet he has sex and love and pleasure that I will never experience because I am 22 and still... wait... uh... I guess I'm not a virgin any more. Well, why am I still so pissed off!? Damn it, I'm going to dump orange juice on this diary if it doesn't stop making me enraged.





I then fell on the floor and cried




+ Show Spoiler +
+ Show Spoiler [orange juice] +

Hey you fucking NC faggots, go fight the VS for once in your fucking lives. You know, that other faction? VS, same for you. Stop being pussies and fight the NC.

There once was a magical land with a King who lived in a magical castle in the clouds. The King was a good man, but he was kind of a troll sometimes. Like one time, he made a law that said everyone had to paint themselves green on Thursday, and lul'd when they actually did it, because there was fine print that said you only had to do it if you had two dicks, which nobody has.

The King had many subjects, including Lords and Ladies of nobility, who would hang out with the King and they would sit around a royal banquet table and tell inappropriate jokes. They also liked to hang out in the throne-room and occasionally troll the guards by yelling "DRAGON!" and then all the guards would have to run to the turrets in their heavy armor to man the ballistas.

One day, the King was sitting around in the throne room talkin' shit about rival kings and how he could easily destroy their castles, burn their crops, enslave their men, and rape the women. The nobles lul'd. Then, all of a sudden, the Court Jester appeared and yelled "WHO IS READY FOR THE COURT JESTER!?" and he began to do cartwheels. Just tons and tons of cartwheels continuously. Some of the nobles found it hilarious, whereas others were confused and annoyed. Then the King realized he never hired a court jester and he stood up and yelled "WHO LET YOU IN HERE!?"

The Court Jester stopped doing cartwheels and replied, "It was Lord Williams of Chesterminstershire, he said it'd be cool for me to hang out here with you guys."

The King became so enraged that he threw the Court Jester in the dungeon for LIFE. The guards hauled him away and chained him to a wall, then stripped him naked, then made fun of how small his penis was. Lord Williams of Chesterminstershire was freaked out and said unto the King "My Liege, for what crime hast thou cast this knave into shackles?" and the King replied "You didn't ask my permission to let that faggot in here."

"Your excellency," Lord Williams of Chesterminstershire replied, "I find no greater a virtue in a man than to be merciful, and who can boast of virtuousness to rival that of the crown?"

"Lord Williams of Chesterminstershire, you gotta be shitting me. He's not allowed in my castle. Nobody said he was allowed in my fucking castle. You can't just go letting people into my castle at random whenever you feel like it, so in short, no, I'm not gonna show mercy to him. You should've asked me."

"Forgive me, sire, for I have transgressed thy royal authority as if beyond reprieve, for what does lie yonder in thine realm that does not kiss thy ass? The most mere of lizards haughtily creeping along the stones, surely they doth revel in thy supremacy."

"Look dude, don't be a smart-ass. I'm the fucking King but yeah, I realize there's some shit that's out of my control. To be honest, if you had asked me first and consulted the other nobles, we would've probably agreed to let that idiot in here, but we'll never know now because you didn't go through the appropriate protocols."

Suddenly, a monster truck smashed through the wall and ran both of them over, but as they died, they were suddenly transported to a mysterious room with a black ball sitting in the middle. Then they had to wear black suits and go on missions to kill aliens.

The end.