|
This is a fictional story. It is based on a dream. Im was bored.
We were all at the beach, our class with around 30 students. It looked like we were going to sleep here. Each student had their own sleeping bag. I looked around me, on my right side was my friend John. He was looking at the ocean. I could see the ocean in front of me, even though it was colorless. I looked around again, looking for someone. I saw a figure walking toward my direction. As the figure approached closer, the fire camp's light reveal their face, it was Ariel. I felt my heart started to beat faster, as she looked at me smiling and said.
"Hi, would you mind changing place with me? I have to study with my friend."
I didn't say anything for a few moment. I knew that that I could not refused her. My heart started to ache a little.
I wished that I could sleep next to her, even if we sleep in different sleeping bag. But looked like it wont happened. I feel so weak...
"Sure", I said. I looked at her and smile.
I got up and started to put my stuff in the sleeping bag. I tried to do it fast because she was looking at me. I didn't want her to wait long.
"where is your spot?", I said.
"Oh this way, follow me", she replied.
I walked beside her to her spot. We were walking side by side, next to each other. My heart ached again. I felt happy but at the same time embarrassed at my foolishness.
"Thank you so much for switching place with me", she said with her soft voice.
I wish I could tell her that I loved her right there. I wish that I could stay with her forever but I'm just a weak person after all. All I could say back was no problem...
When we got to her spot, there was a few guys sitting on a bench. One of the guy greeted Ariel and she smiled back. I could tell that he was very strong. He looked like he was in the football team, he probably weight 200 pound with all muscles and bones. He was sitting down but I could tell that he was taller than me, even though I'm not short. I wish I was muscular like him, I thought to myself. The next few moments seem like time had slowed down. Ariel walked up to him and sat on his laps..........
I looked at Ariel and the guy she sat on. I could feel my heart beating faster while screaming in pain.
"Do something", my head screamed inside of me.
"DO SOMETHING!! ANYTHING", My head kept yelling. I didn't know what to do. Each moment looking at Ariel felt like tortured. I started to walk toward them. Each step I took, the voice in my head screamed louder. As I was in front of them, I looked at the guy.
"Hey you want to wrestling or something? It will be fun", I said, smiling at the guy.
He looked back at me, paused for a moment, and then smiled and reply.
"No we going to get in trouble"
I smiled back
"Okay then, Im going for a walk. See you guys later"
I turned around and started walking away from them.
I didn't know how long I walked but I was alone now. The camp was far in the distant, I could barely see the camp's fire. I looked up at the sky, the stars were shining bright. I could see the universe on top of me, so big and beautiful. I looked at the ocean, it was dark but peaceful. The wind brushes against my skin, it felt nice. I smiled and told myself. Im need to start going to the gym.
|
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
|
On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
Why do people ALWAYS ask that?
It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself.
|
Nope it's the a bug. A clone thread!
|
i didnt post twice, its a bug. look in the forums section
|
On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
And you felt so high and mighty that you felt the need to post it in both threads?!?!?
|
On August 04 2009 08:56 thunk wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? And you felt so high and mighty that you felt the need to post it in both threads?!?!?
It auto posts in both threads... selfown. I've seen this happen with Ichigo1234551's blogs before... probably something he's doing
|
Osaka27174 Posts
There aren't too threads. Obviously it is a bug.
|
On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself.
i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
|
Braavos36401 Posts
On August 04 2009 09:01 JohnColtrane wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself. i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
pretty obvious he means you tried to make a joke but, in his opinion, it was stupid, obvious, and unfunny
|
...yea its hard to read sarcasm over the net....DURR DURR!
|
On August 04 2009 09:01 JohnColtrane wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself. i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
I've decided, the best way to follow up a not so great post is to abandon it. Generally you get a little desperate to defend yourself, and it never ends well.
|
can you guys just read my story and tell me what you think? lol
Im thinking about becoming a writer if I get positive respond.
|
it seems more like you didn't get to fuck this "ariel" imo.
Overall it seemed as I was reading out of the green sheets or the quick that they put on corners to pick up for free.
|
i was linked here by a gay person
thread isnt worth reading imo, liked the comments
|
I think your sentences can vary in length to make the read more interesting. While I was reading it felt like there were too many periods and your sentences were very short. =/
The storyline was alright imo. But continue to write I'm sure your next stories will be much better if you continue to. :D GL
|
On August 04 2009 09:06 Ichigo1234551 wrote:
can you guys just read my story and tell me what you think? lol
Im thinking about becoming a writer if I get positive respond.
Good luck fullfilling your dream but there is still alot of work to do though.
|
I dunno, the writer's craft needed some work. Show, don't tell.
And the story kind of reads like a stereotypical guy-get-girl comedy flick, without the comedy.
Sorry to be so negative. Good luck with your future writings.
|
Bosnia-Herzegovina1437 Posts
ROFL! Nobody even read his story haha
|
I like the story; it's got a lot of emotion in it, there's an obvious conflict/goal and I find myself hoping Ariel dumps her football player for you even though I have no idea who the hell either of you are. I do think the story has issues from being based on a dream; dreams tend to have little to no set up/introduction, include completely pointless details, and end randomly when your alarm clock goes off. You've done a good job moving it from "random firing of neurons in brain" format to an actual work of fiction, but I think it needs more revision to make it feel complete. Keep writing, it's the best way to become a writer. gl hf
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
