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This is a fictional story. It is based on a dream. Im was bored.
We were all at the beach, our class with around 30 students. It looked like we were going to sleep here. Each student had their own sleeping bag. I looked around me, on my right side was my friend John. He was looking at the ocean. I could see the ocean in front of me, even though it was colorless. I looked around again, looking for someone. I saw a figure walking toward my direction. As the figure approached closer, the fire camp's light reveal their face, it was Ariel. I felt my heart started to beat faster, as she looked at me smiling and said.
"Hi, would you mind changing place with me? I have to study with my friend."
I didn't say anything for a few moment. I knew that that I could not refused her. My heart started to ache a little.
I wished that I could sleep next to her, even if we sleep in different sleeping bag. But looked like it wont happened. I feel so weak...
"Sure", I said. I looked at her and smile.
I got up and started to put my stuff in the sleeping bag. I tried to do it fast because she was looking at me. I didn't want her to wait long.
"where is your spot?", I said.
"Oh this way, follow me", she replied.
I walked beside her to her spot. We were walking side by side, next to each other. My heart ached again. I felt happy but at the same time embarrassed at my foolishness.
"Thank you so much for switching place with me", she said with her soft voice.
I wish I could tell her that I loved her right there. I wish that I could stay with her forever but I'm just a weak person after all. All I could say back was no problem...
When we got to her spot, there was a few guys sitting on a bench. One of the guy greeted Ariel and she smiled back. I could tell that he was very strong. He looked like he was in the football team, he probably weight 200 pound with all muscles and bones. He was sitting down but I could tell that he was taller than me, even though I'm not short. I wish I was muscular like him, I thought to myself. The next few moments seem like time had slowed down. Ariel walked up to him and sat on his laps..........
I looked at Ariel and the guy she sat on. I could feel my heart beating faster while screaming in pain.
"Do something", my head screamed inside of me.
"DO SOMETHING!! ANYTHING", My head kept yelling. I didn't know what to do. Each moment looking at Ariel felt like tortured. I started to walk toward them. Each step I took, the voice in my head screamed louder. As I was in front of them, I looked at the guy.
"Hey you want to wrestling or something? It will be fun", I said, smiling at the guy.
He looked back at me, paused for a moment, and then smiled and reply.
"No we going to get in trouble"
I smiled back
"Okay then, Im going for a walk. See you guys later"
I turned around and started walking away from them.
I didn't know how long I walked but I was alone now. The camp was far in the distant, I could barely see the camp's fire. I looked up at the sky, the stars were shining bright. I could see the universe on top of me, so big and beautiful. I looked at the ocean, it was dark but peaceful. The wind brushes against my skin, it felt nice. I smiled and told myself. Im need to start going to the gym.
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it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
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On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
Why do people ALWAYS ask that?
It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself.
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Nope it's the a bug. A clone thread!
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i didnt post twice, its a bug. look in the forums section
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On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice?
And you felt so high and mighty that you felt the need to post it in both threads?!?!?
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On August 04 2009 08:56 thunk wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? And you felt so high and mighty that you felt the need to post it in both threads?!?!?
It auto posts in both threads... selfown. I've seen this happen with Ichigo1234551's blogs before... probably something he's doing
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Osaka27149 Posts
There aren't too threads. Obviously it is a bug.
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On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself.
i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
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Braavos36375 Posts
On August 04 2009 09:01 JohnColtrane wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself. i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
pretty obvious he means you tried to make a joke but, in his opinion, it was stupid, obvious, and unfunny
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...yea its hard to read sarcasm over the net....DURR DURR!
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On August 04 2009 09:01 JohnColtrane wrote:Show nested quote +On August 04 2009 08:56 BanZu wrote:On August 04 2009 08:55 JohnColtrane wrote:
it was so good you felt the need to post it twice? Why do people ALWAYS ask that? It's obviously an accident if you're too dull to think that out yourself. i was obviously kidding, if you were too stupid to figure that out yourself
I've decided, the best way to follow up a not so great post is to abandon it. Generally you get a little desperate to defend yourself, and it never ends well.
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can you guys just read my story and tell me what you think? lol
Im thinking about becoming a writer if I get positive respond.
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it seems more like you didn't get to fuck this "ariel" imo.
Overall it seemed as I was reading out of the green sheets or the quick that they put on corners to pick up for free.
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i was linked here by a gay person
thread isnt worth reading imo, liked the comments
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I think your sentences can vary in length to make the read more interesting. While I was reading it felt like there were too many periods and your sentences were very short. =/
The storyline was alright imo. But continue to write I'm sure your next stories will be much better if you continue to. :D GL
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On August 04 2009 09:06 Ichigo1234551 wrote:
can you guys just read my story and tell me what you think? lol
Im thinking about becoming a writer if I get positive respond.
Good luck fullfilling your dream but there is still alot of work to do though.
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I dunno, the writer's craft needed some work. Show, don't tell.
And the story kind of reads like a stereotypical guy-get-girl comedy flick, without the comedy.
Sorry to be so negative. Good luck with your future writings.
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Bosnia-Herzegovina1437 Posts
ROFL! Nobody even read his story haha
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I like the story; it's got a lot of emotion in it, there's an obvious conflict/goal and I find myself hoping Ariel dumps her football player for you even though I have no idea who the hell either of you are. I do think the story has issues from being based on a dream; dreams tend to have little to no set up/introduction, include completely pointless details, and end randomly when your alarm clock goes off. You've done a good job moving it from "random firing of neurons in brain" format to an actual work of fiction, but I think it needs more revision to make it feel complete. Keep writing, it's the best way to become a writer. gl hf
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Think you need to work on your theme, like what are you trying to tell us with this story? I think the metaphors the characters and everything else will start to get some real shape after you have an idea of where you want to go with it.
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Korea (South)11579 Posts
not to sound harsh/rude but i didn't find anything too spectacular about the writing. Sure, it sounds like your normal young teenagers emotions when he finds the girl he's crushing on to be completely into someone else. But there's no conflict/no climax and the resolve was just walking away? It sounds like a depressed emo kid finding out the one girl he had liked for a long time like someone else so he went to his corner and cried.
Where was he sleeping before she told him to switch with her? Why didn't she put her shit where she wanted to be? Everything just happened too randomly.
Keep trying though!
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LOL i just read it and "HEY YOU WANT TO WRESTLING OR SOMETHING?" HAHAHAHA
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well im trying to write like slice of life style... because in life everything is not so special but its really special. I want to let people know simply things in life are special. I want to explore all the emotions that experience everyday. but as you know emotions are your brain's chemical. its for a moment and next moment you have different emotion but it is last forever? I mean i could think a time that i thought i would die for someone i love and after a year all the feelings are gone. is there something that last forever?. Im try to write another story and will post it here sometime.
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On August 04 2009 10:21 Tensai176 wrote:
Think you need to work on your theme, like what are you trying to tell us with this story? I think the metaphors the characters and everything else will start to get some real shape after you have an idea of where you want to go with it.
Yeah I agree. The story wasn't bad but I really didn't see what the point of it was until the end. In other words, you need to get your point across directly to your readers.
I don't know why I am talking since I'm not the best writer, but this is from my point of view. Take it with a grain of salt. 
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Also if you want to start writing seriously, you should definitely work on improving your spelling and grammar.
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hey what perspective i should use when i write my story? should i do first person perspective or 3???
like should i do I do something
or john takes the cookies
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I am a fan of first person. 
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Korea (South)11579 Posts
first person i don't recommend because you can only tell the story by what he feels and what he sees.
Whereas with 3rd person you can do everything you can in 1st person, what the character sees, what he feels, what he's doing, but also things he doesn't notice.
You can't just go out and say "what i didn't notice was that while I was heading down the alley, the man walking behind me was eying my wallet in my back pocket."
where if you do 3rd person you can say something like "As Johnny walks down the alley, ignorant of the fact that the man silently stalking him was quite focused on the wallet in Johnny's back pocket."
Therefore during the confrontation with the man you have a lot more openings on what you say will happen. As with 1st person you can only describe what you know, and not what the other people/characters know or feel.
Also there are so many grammar issues to work with using first person, as opposed to 3rd person. A lot having to do with the tense of the story. 1st person present is very hard to get the reader to actually believe what you are saying. So people almost always use the past tense in 1st person. Yet 1st person past is just so boring to describe, as you already know how the story ends, as its you telling the story. So readers/your audience can't really live it the way you did, as a past tense
1st person narrative is so hard to write. You can't say things like the way you look, unless you describe looking into a mirror or seeing your reflection somewhere, so it's hard to get an image in your head of what's going on.
I'm much more of a fan of third person, you have so much more freedom of describing a story because you can use so many more adjectives that you just wouldn't be able to use when you're using the 1st person.
Here's an example of a writing that I have done recently:
Third Person
The pain shot through his body like a fire clawing away at a barrel of gasoline. There were only a few more moments before it would be completely unbearable, and explode into something much worse. The pain wasn’t merely a discomfort that could be easily put aside if he concentrated on something else, like a stomach ache. Instead, it ate away his insides, scratching at his inner organs, ripping and tearing anything that came within its path.
He falls to his knees, staring up at the starless night sky. He clenches his hands into a fist so tight his nails scratch their way through his skin, and warm blood trickles down his palms. Mad at the world and more importantly himself, he swings at the cold stone ground beneath him, while each painful strike, a tear makes its way to fall from his dirty beat up face. After all his strength has vanished, he sums up all his depression, sorrow, hatred, pain, and love into a loud horrifying scream.
He falls forward, and his head hits the ground which reverberates a loud and painful thud into the cool silent night air. He glances upward toward the darkness of the unknown and strange city of London. He had lived there his entire life, and still he is unsure what exactly goes on in this mysterious town. He notices a shimmer of light, coming closer at a slow yet steady pace. Before he notices just what was emitting this light, his body no longer could keep the strength to continue keeping his head off the ground. He quickly fell into a deep and peaceful well needed sleep.
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Now read it through 1st Person
First Person
The pain shot through my body like a fire clawing away at a barrel of gasoline. There were only a few more moments before it would be completely unbearable, and explode into something much worse. The pain wasn’t merely a discomfort that could be easily put aside if I concentrated on something else, similar to a stomach ache. Instead, it ate away my insides, scratching at my inner organs, ripping and tearing anything that came within its path.
I fall to my knees, staring up at the starless night sky. I clench my hands into a fist so tight my nails scratch their way through his skin, and warm blood trickles down his palms. Mad at the world and more importantly myself, he swings at the cold stone ground beneath me, while each painful strike, a tear makes its way to fall from my dirty beat up face. After all my strength has vanished, I sum up all my depression, sorrow, hatred, pain, and love into a loud horrifying scream.
I fall forward, and my head hits the ground which reverberates a loud and painful thud into the cool silent night air. I glance upward toward the darkness of the unknown and strange city of London. I had lived there my entire life, and still I am unsure what exactly goes on in this mysterious town. I notice a shimmer of light, coming closer at a slow yet steady pace. Before I notices just what was emitting this light, my body no longer could keep the strength to continue keeping his head off the ground. I quickly fell into a deep and peaceful well needed sleep.
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If you notice the two differences, first person just doesn't flow as nicely as when I had used third person.
Of course you can use whichever view point you'd like, I'll only advice you to use third person as it's much easier to describe with absolute clarity of the story that is to be told.
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EPT
