EPTStory I wrote - Page 2
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MuffiN
Korea (North)201 Posts
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Batibot
Philippines348 Posts
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Tensai176
Canada2061 Posts
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CaucasianAsian
Korea (South)11603 Posts
Where was he sleeping before she told him to switch with her? Why didn't she put her shit where she wanted to be? Everything just happened too randomly. Keep trying though! | ||
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Hypnosis
United States2061 Posts
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Ichigo1234551
United States649 Posts
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clazziquai
6685 Posts
On August 04 2009 10:21 Tensai176 wrote: Think you need to work on your theme, like what are you trying to tell us with this story? I think the metaphors the characters and everything else will start to get some real shape after you have an idea of where you want to go with it. Yeah I agree. The story wasn't bad but I really didn't see what the point of it was until the end. In other words, you need to get your point across directly to your readers. I don't know why I am talking since I'm not the best writer, but this is from my point of view. Take it with a grain of salt.  | ||
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clazziquai
6685 Posts
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Ichigo1234551
United States649 Posts
like should i do I do something or john takes the cookies | ||
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clazziquai
6685 Posts
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CaucasianAsian
Korea (South)11603 Posts
Whereas with 3rd person you can do everything you can in 1st person, what the character sees, what he feels, what he's doing, but also things he doesn't notice. You can't just go out and say "what i didn't notice was that while I was heading down the alley, the man walking behind me was eying my wallet in my back pocket." where if you do 3rd person you can say something like "As Johnny walks down the alley, ignorant of the fact that the man silently stalking him was quite focused on the wallet in Johnny's back pocket." Therefore during the confrontation with the man you have a lot more openings on what you say will happen. As with 1st person you can only describe what you know, and not what the other people/characters know or feel. Also there are so many grammar issues to work with using first person, as opposed to 3rd person. A lot having to do with the tense of the story. 1st person present is very hard to get the reader to actually believe what you are saying. So people almost always use the past tense in 1st person. Yet 1st person past is just so boring to describe, as you already know how the story ends, as its you telling the story. So readers/your audience can't really live it the way you did, as a past tense 1st person narrative is so hard to write. You can't say things like the way you look, unless you describe looking into a mirror or seeing your reflection somewhere, so it's hard to get an image in your head of what's going on. I'm much more of a fan of third person, you have so much more freedom of describing a story because you can use so many more adjectives that you just wouldn't be able to use when you're using the 1st person. Here's an example of a writing that I have done recently: Third Person The pain shot through his body like a fire clawing away at a barrel of gasoline. There were only a few more moments before it would be completely unbearable, and explode into something much worse. The pain wasn’t merely a discomfort that could be easily put aside if he concentrated on something else, like a stomach ache. Instead, it ate away his insides, scratching at his inner organs, ripping and tearing anything that came within its path. He falls to his knees, staring up at the starless night sky. He clenches his hands into a fist so tight his nails scratch their way through his skin, and warm blood trickles down his palms. Mad at the world and more importantly himself, he swings at the cold stone ground beneath him, while each painful strike, a tear makes its way to fall from his dirty beat up face. After all his strength has vanished, he sums up all his depression, sorrow, hatred, pain, and love into a loud horrifying scream. He falls forward, and his head hits the ground which reverberates a loud and painful thud into the cool silent night air. He glances upward toward the darkness of the unknown and strange city of London. He had lived there his entire life, and still he is unsure what exactly goes on in this mysterious town. He notices a shimmer of light, coming closer at a slow yet steady pace. Before he notices just what was emitting this light, his body no longer could keep the strength to continue keeping his head off the ground. He quickly fell into a deep and peaceful well needed sleep. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now read it through 1st Person First Person The pain shot through my body like a fire clawing away at a barrel of gasoline. There were only a few more moments before it would be completely unbearable, and explode into something much worse. The pain wasn’t merely a discomfort that could be easily put aside if I concentrated on something else, similar to a stomach ache. Instead, it ate away my insides, scratching at my inner organs, ripping and tearing anything that came within its path. I fall to my knees, staring up at the starless night sky. I clench my hands into a fist so tight my nails scratch their way through his skin, and warm blood trickles down his palms. Mad at the world and more importantly myself, he swings at the cold stone ground beneath me, while each painful strike, a tear makes its way to fall from my dirty beat up face. After all my strength has vanished, I sum up all my depression, sorrow, hatred, pain, and love into a loud horrifying scream. I fall forward, and my head hits the ground which reverberates a loud and painful thud into the cool silent night air. I glance upward toward the darkness of the unknown and strange city of London. I had lived there my entire life, and still I am unsure what exactly goes on in this mysterious town. I notice a shimmer of light, coming closer at a slow yet steady pace. Before I notices just what was emitting this light, my body no longer could keep the strength to continue keeping his head off the ground. I quickly fell into a deep and peaceful well needed sleep. ------------------------------------------------------- If you notice the two differences, first person just doesn't flow as nicely as when I had used third person. Of course you can use whichever view point you'd like, I'll only advice you to use third person as it's much easier to describe with absolute clarity of the story that is to be told. | ||
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