|
On July 20 2009 05:15 hazelynut wrote:
Judging from the OP's information, I can guess (fairly accurately) at what's going on in her mind. On a conscious level, she's telling herself, "I want to hang out with my friends because it's fun! I don't see why my boyfriend is controlling me, it's just having some fun."
On the vicious, catty, biologically-programmed subconscious level, she may be thinking three things:
1. I like the attention
2. I like when my boyfriend gets jealous
3. I want to keep my options open
There's no reason that she would rather hang out with these types of acquaintances over her boyfriend except for at least 1&2 or 1&3. She's either playing mindgames with you because she IS interested in you (and girls nearly always feel the stupid urge to make their bf jealous), or she's not as interested as you think and wants to see what other guys are like. No girl would come out and admit these motives to anyone, but these are three pretty common responses for females in general.
sorry but fixed?
|
On July 20 2009 01:43 Slaughter)BiO wrote:
Me and my ex-fiance both decided that we wouldn't be comfortable with that situation unless it was someone we both knew pretty well. Like what was said above you both need to decide what the boundaries are for that kind of thing.
I agree. I feel like if it's someone that both of you know pretty well and someone you can trust then it's okay, otherwise what you are doing would only be natural.
|
On July 20 2009 02:20 Kennigit wrote:
Options
1) Punch this kid in the head
2) Drop her
3) Punch this kid in the head, then drop her
most important question for framing. How old are you?
quoted for truth.
anyone saying differently has little to offer.
honestly. choice #2 is the best one. if she can't see the problem with this then she is trying to make you jealous. i've no doubt she will deny that; if you see through her games then her plan is foiled. seriously, drop her. this is exactly the kind of girl you want to stay away from.
no, dude, you're not controlling.
that is.. purely from the limited information you've given.
added: if she won't respect you in this situation, there's little chance of it happening elsewhere. and no, the vice versa argument doesn't work. (if you won't respect her in this situation...) it doesn't work because she's the one wanting to do something you're not comfortable(and shouldn't be) with.
|
After reading your expanded version, this guy's pretty much nailed it as far as I can see:
On the vicious, catty, biologically-programmed subconscious level, she may be thinking three things:
1. I like the attention
2. I like when my boyfriend gets jealous
3. I want to keep my options open
Especially this part, where you say
- She won't let me tell the guys to "fuck off" so to say because they are her friends.
If letting her friends hit on her is more important to her than having her boyfriend feel comfortable and trusting with her, then she's just trash, and will most probably cheat on you whenever the best opportunity presents itself.
She obviously doesn't respect you at all.
edit: cheat on, not with. Damn english and its ambiguous wording.
|
On July 20 2009 02:10 Chef wrote:
If you don't trust her the relationship is already over.
this. sure you might be uncomfortable but whether you "let" her or not, if she's going out with the intent and purpose of cheating on you, why would you want to still be in that relationship? if presented the chance to cheat and she takes it right away, what does that tell you about her and your relationship together? let her go, if she cheats, you find out early. if she doesn't she thinks you are trusting and you get points.
|
On July 20 2009 05:10 Vilda wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2009 03:56 Orlandu wrote:On July 20 2009 03:43 Vilda wrote:
Lol inc, if my guy told me he didn't want me to hang out with a friend of mine because the guy had hit on me before I'd give him the finger and tell him to FO -_- but then again I'd never cheat on him either.. Attitudes like that are terribly disrespectful... That's great if things are working out well for you, but you need to know, that's a pretty disrespectful way to treat someone. To tell them that how they feel doesn't matter, that you don't care about their worries. Trust is something that is built up, not something that you're automatically entitled to. Whether they truly have trust for you or not, pulling stuff like what's quoted definitely isn't going to help build up any more trust. If the case would be my bf telling me not to do something I really want to do, just because he doesn't want me to, how respectful is that towards me? It'd make me terribly uncomfortable and upset if someone that I love and trust fully would tell me that he didn't want me to hang out with one of my friends. Deciding things for me - or trying to - is something I find highly disrespectful as well. Trust is indeed built up, but the guy says he trusts her already, if there was an issue with him trusting her I'd tell him to dump her as well, but if he really does trust her, then there is no reason not to let her go. And in my opinion he isn't the one deciding whether she gets to go or not in the first place.
If your boyfriend told you not to do something just because he didn't want you to, then yes, that would be disrespectful. But that's not what we're talking about at all. In the discussion at hand there's a very legit reason for concern that delves far deeper than him simply "not wanting her to." As someone else pointed out, if the girlfriend is consciously choosing to hang out with guys that hit on her over spending time with her boyfriend or doing something else, ESPECIALLY when she knows that it makes him uncomfortable, then there's something wrong there. That is a very legit complaint and is in no way equivalent to him simply not wanting her to hang out with friends that happen to be guys.
We seem to be in agreement that respect is important. What I don't think that you're understanding is how what the girl is doing actually is disrespectful. This isn't about trust. I'll reiterate what I said before: you can trust someone and still feel uncomfortable about situations. Just because you trust someone doesn't mean that they're not in a bad situation. In cases like these it doesn't matter how much the guy trusts the girl or not, they're still in a bad situation. Even if the girl would never ever eeeeeever cheat on the guy, there's still something to be said about the situation and the people involved. It's not always a simple issue that can be simplified to a girl hanging out with a friend that happens to be a guy.
|
"Look, I'm fine with you hanging out with your friends, but can you at least tell your guy friends straight-up to stop making moves on you? That really makes me uncomfortable."
|
fuck that thats what someone who is looking to be walked all over says. say that if you want to look like a complete bitch.
you dont ask politely for your girlfriend to stop hanging out with someone trying to seduce her.
|
Is it controlling of me if I don't want my girlfriend to go drinking or shisha with just 1 other guy?
this is a date, unless you know the dude pretty well and trust him.
- She doesn't consider the people as REALLY REALLY old friends.
what?
- The one guy tried to like "do shit" last time they went shisha but I was there to stop it.
Do shit? You mean kiss/hug/sex? or fight? What do you mean. Either way it sounds obvious.
- She won't let me tell the guys to "fuck off" so to say because they are her friends.
Just tell the dudes that she is your GF, and you protect your belongings with your life.
- I would never do this kind of shit to her.
You obviously have trust/insecurity issues about your women. If you are confident in your relationship neither of you should really care who the other hangs out with.
- Isn't there some sort of "guy code" that pretty much tells the guy not to even ask the girl this stuff?
lol, yea, tell him to fuck off, she's taken.
|
iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
CM and I agree completely.
<3
|
3861 Posts
She sounds typically Korean. (sigh* stereotypes are created for a reason...)
|
On July 20 2009 03:43 Vilda wrote:
Lol inc, if my guy told me he didn't want me to hang out with a friend of mine because the guy had hit on me before I'd give him the finger and tell him to FO -_- but then again I'd never cheat on him either..
no wonder you DON'T have a guy, haha
|
a girl hanging out with her friend is not a date..
|
On July 20 2009 02:51 {88}iNcontroL wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2009 02:48 Jayme wrote:
Everytime I read threads like this I get confused.
Is the concept of trust foreign now?
Like when I get into a relationship with someone at this point you should really really like said person and give them the benefit of the doubt in most situations.
What the hell is the point of a relationship if you don't have just about near unconditional trust in them to "allow" them to go somewhere on their own...
Then again I don't bother to get into a relationship just to be in one, I actually have to give a shit about the other person. Maybe he trusts her but not the guy. Maybe her "cluelessness" makes for problems he'd rather (shouldn't) deal with. Trusting someone is fine.. but trusting someone who puts themselves in reckless situations is bad. It isn't like this is some great friend who is being purely platonic.. he has a history of faggotry. I love tl.net's over emphasized sense of macho. "MY WOMAN DOES WHATEVER CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY blah blah blah"
Since when was that macho? Macho sounds more like:
"SHE IS MY WOMAN! YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT HER AND I WILL BUST YOUR HEAD IN blah blah blah"
|
iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
On July 20 2009 12:48 Gene wrote:
a girl hanging out with her friend is not a date..
a girl going to a bar to have drinks and smoke hookah with a guy is a date.. unless they are completely platonic and have no other intentions.
|
iNcontroL
USA29055 Posts
On July 20 2009 12:51 Tom Phoenix wrote:Show nested quote +On July 20 2009 02:51 {88}iNcontroL wrote:On July 20 2009 02:48 Jayme wrote:
Everytime I read threads like this I get confused.
Is the concept of trust foreign now?
Like when I get into a relationship with someone at this point you should really really like said person and give them the benefit of the doubt in most situations.
What the hell is the point of a relationship if you don't have just about near unconditional trust in them to "allow" them to go somewhere on their own...
Then again I don't bother to get into a relationship just to be in one, I actually have to give a shit about the other person. Maybe he trusts her but not the guy. Maybe her "cluelessness" makes for problems he'd rather (shouldn't) deal with. Trusting someone is fine.. but trusting someone who puts themselves in reckless situations is bad. It isn't like this is some great friend who is being purely platonic.. he has a history of faggotry. I love tl.net's over emphasized sense of macho. "MY WOMAN DOES WHATEVER CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY blah blah blah" Since when was that macho? Macho sounds more like: "SHE IS MY WOMAN! YOU SO MUCH AS LOOK AT HER AND I WILL BUST YOUR HEAD IN blah blah blah"
We can argue the levels of machoism if you like.. but my post was saying that it is simply hilarious when I have met a pretty good sample of the TL.net population.. notably unmacho imo.
|
but this is about smoking flavoured tobacco only? I'm confused, was it a club where they were supposed to meet at  ? bringing water pipe to a club...?
What about my acting proposal >.< this would make her motives IF SHE HAS ANY more than clear?
like gg no re kthxbai?
+ Show Spoiler [my proposal how to solve this smelly s…] +2) Do you know any other girl close enough to tell her about this situation (starting with what she's going to do and what you know about that guy) to ask her to act like she's hitting on you and you respond to that in friendly manner when your gf is around?
See her reaction then ask when is she going to meet with that penis then ask her how she felt. Then tell her both what really happened. She should be impressed that you can go that far just to make her understand how you feel!
edit: Try to remember how you met each other and how started to be together. Was she easy to be picked up lol?
edit omg
|
|
/
|
The only way this kind of thing gets sorted out properly is when the two people involved actually communicate honestly with each other.
Now, if you say to her: "I don't want you going out and spending an evening with that asshat of a guy because he hit on you last time, he's a douche and you should tell him to fuck off".
You are being controlling. You're explicitly telling her what she should or shouldn't do. You're creating fences around a person to keep them where you want them and although that person may not leap over to check out the grass on the other side, they might begin to feel hemmed in, unhappy and untrusted.
But, if you say to her: "Hey, it makes me feel worried that you're going to be spending an evening with someone who doesn't respect the fact that you're in a relationship. Is there a chance that you could see him and take some of your other friends along with you when you go?"
It's a bit armchair-psychological but you're removing the controlling words (I don't want you to..) or anything that seems overly agressive and replacing them with words which show care and concern, you'd also be offering a reasonable compromise by asking if she could take other friends along.
People tend to respond better when they can really understand how you feel and why as well as how their actions would affect you. You can try to ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed, most people will automatically say "Oh, I'd be OK with that". Fair enough, some people would be alright with it but then again, some will reply without actually putting themselves into that situation so they can empathize with how you're feeling.
Say to her: "So, we go out for a night with our friends and there's a girl who flirts with me in front of you. She completely ignores the fact that we're together and she keeps doing it even though I'm not encouraging her in any way. How would you feel if I said I was going to be spending an evening alone with that girl?"
If she thinks about it and still says she'd be genuinely OK with you doing that and you believe her, accept it. Do not try and set that situation up to test her, that's a manipulative and stupid idea which is likely to backfire and create a shitload of unwanted drama.
It'd be a great world if there was a code of chivalry which all gentlemen adhered to when it comes to other people's girlfriends but unfortunately, there will always be people who don't give a shit.
I don't know how well you know this other guy but any agression towards him from you is likely to make things worse. However tempting it is to give him a good kicking, he's not done enough to deserve that and if you go steaming in with fists ready in defence of your lady's honour, you'll come off looking like you're insecure about something and need a fight to prove your worth.
It could be that he flirts with a lot of girls, he could be the type of guy who does it to all his female friends. I've known guys who do that and they do it more when girls have their boyfriends around, it's like some kind of primal territory test. Be a better guy than him and don't respond with instinct.
This kind of thing is easy to blow out of proportion, especially when you're worried, you don't know how to react or what to say and it's making you think emotionally rather than logically. There is a tendancy to think along dramatic lines when relationships reach these types of hurdles ie: "If she doesn't agree with me on this, fuck her, it's over".
No matter who you date, you'll never be able to be with them at all times, making sure that everything they do works out well or that everyone they hang out with treats them in a way you're happy with. Trust is an absolute requirement in a decent relationship and if you genuinely trust your girlfriend not to cheat on you, as you've said you do, then stop worrying, let her off your mental leash and let her do the things she wants to do.
As BalliSLife said, they're going to be in a public place and it's a social thing. It's not like they're going to be totally alone with no one around, you could always ask to meet her afterwards, maybe go to get food or something.
At the end of the day, if you really want to make a stand over this, it's up to you but consider the possible consequences. If you try talking to her and she continually fails to understand your concerns or to listen to you reasonably, if you are unable to find a compromise or if you have doubts about her trustworthiness then you'll need to make some kind of decision about how or if you'll continue things with her but keep in mind that this situation is a common one and you may run into it again.
I didn't mean for this to be so longwinded, I hope it makes sense and that you manage to get things sorted out with your girlfriend in a way which makes you happy.
|
OK Inc, how big dick do you think Arnic has :D?
still reading btw
edit: ahahah my mom told me info in OP is lacking and utter bs, not worth talking about O.O
yehe no-lives in 5page 2kviews thread
|
Why does this have so many views? I'm glad for most of the replies because it somewhat helped me a bit this afternoon but a lot of people are like way out of the ballpark. In any case, she'd rather lose all her guy friends than lose me as a boyfriend so I'm good to go. Thanks guys.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
