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The Parking Lot

Blogs > floor exercise
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1 2 Next All
floor exercise
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Canada5847 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-06-29 03:00:06
June 29 2009 02:51 GMT
#1
When you look at a parking lot, what do you see? Some might tell you they see a blight on the landscape, a total decimation of nature, habitats destroyed, wildlife displaced and inevitably killed all in the name of convenience.

Me? I see man's greatest invention. An awesome creation in which the very earth is transformed by our will and determination alone into a canvas on which we proudly display the cornerstone of our civilization: order. Perfectly outlined grids in which absolute obedience is not only expected, but required for proper function. Any disregard for the law of those yellow lines results in chaos and disorder. Steel grating against steel, small children and domesticated animals unable to open the doors of what began as their economy class vehicles and now turned into metal coffins on wheels as the blazing sun slowly melts the flesh from their bones. Hell on Earth.

I am overcome with pride in all of humanity every single time I pull into a parking lot. The throaty purr of my Pontiac Firebird's engine as I downshift to observe the speed laws like a sound of hushed reverence for this hallowed ground. This is the concrete jungle, and she is the Queen.

Ten and two, my grip firm but not tight, my eyes scan the lot for the ideal space to park the 'Bird. Much to my eternal sorrow, many parking lots these days find themselves in states of decay. The pavement split with cracks and fissures, tires forced to endure abrasions by the various detritus. My teeth grind with every pop and crunch heard or felt underwheel, this land deserves better care.

Several trips around the lot and I finally settle for a spot. The lines are faded, the pavement rough and pitted, but it will have to do. Planting my feet on the warm concrete, I exit my sweet ride, taking note of how incredible the flame decals look under the suns glinting eye, as if the sun itself was admiring my fiery chariot. I imagine it there in the cold reaches of space, willing, begging for some cessation of the earth's orbit so that it could hold into this moment a little bit longer, blessed to be able to cast its rays down onto this vintage Pontiac.

I do my spot check, ensuring each of my wheels are exactly 14 inches from each line. The perfect park, a thing of often overlooked beauty.

While admiring my parking job, I hear an offending noise. A car stalling repeatedly, the tires squeaking with each abrupt halt. I scan my surroundings my eyes squinting beneath my shades for better visual acuity. There, in the middle of the otherwise empty lot, someone has either forgotten how to drive, or never knew how to. Stop and start, again and again, no regard for the lines, no intention to even park by my guess, just constant circling and swerving.

I begin to slowly jog, trying to keep my cool, my vision hazy from the sun blasting down and the burning rage that was growing in me. Despite trying consciously to keep my pace to a jog I begin a sprint towards the sedan. The passenger, having seen me began to get out of the car.

"Is there something the matter?" he asks as I reach the car, a piece of shit Ford Taurus, early 90s model. My mood darkens, being reminded of the 90s and the tragic suicide of the misunderstood genius Kurt Cobain further souring my demeanor. I ignore the man, leaning over to identify the drive. A rather portly, slow looking child. I immediately grasp the situation, my vision becoming impaired by the blinding rage inside me.

I take off my sunglasses and look the man in the eye, "this isn't a class room pops, keep the teaching off the lots" I warn him.

He begins to object to my clear and direct message, what his rebuttal was we will never know. A swift right hook to the gut has him doubling over, grimacing in pain. A look of shock on the chubby kid's face as he remains behind the wheel. Positioning his head between my legs, the taut muscles in my arms tightening as I lift the man clear off the ground, power bombing him down onto the hood of the car. With a groan he lifelessly rolls off the hood, crumpling to the ground in a pool of his own blood.

I walk to the driver's side window, reaching in and grabbing the kid by his flabby jowls. I stare into his eyes, I feel his tears running down my hand. My mood softens then, flashing back to my own childhood. With my other hand I pat him on the head, an attempt to console him, "We don't pick our parents kid, I get it."

I walk back to my Firebird, ease the clutch in and listen as the engine roars with the turn of the key, like a panther in heat, ready to fuck. On my way out onto the road with no destination in mind, I pull up beside Ford Taurus, the hood a mess of bent steel and blood, "respect the lot" I say, pointing at the kid as he struggles to help his father stand. I peel out of the lot, my deed for the day done.

****
BanZu
Profile Blog Joined June 2008
United States3329 Posts
June 29 2009 02:59 GMT
#2
Haha what the frick

I wish I could master the English language like you do.
Sun Tzu once said, "Defiler becomes useless at the presences of a vessel."
Snet *
Profile Blog Joined September 2006
United States3573 Posts
June 29 2009 03:00 GMT
#3
High school essay, or what?
il0seonpurpose
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Korea (South)5638 Posts
June 29 2009 03:00 GMT
#4
Wow this was really good! Haha
Batibot
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Philippines348 Posts
June 29 2009 03:19 GMT
#5
true story?
Jaedong has to be a Bonjwa. Tired of of rooting for July.
floor exercise
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Canada5847 Posts
June 29 2009 03:29 GMT
#6
On June 29 2009 12:19 Batibot323 wrote:
true story?

What would ever give you cause to doubt it.....
SteelString
Profile Joined July 2006
446 Posts
June 29 2009 03:46 GMT
#7
That was incredible..
PS I used to own a Taurus =(
Lemonwalrus
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States5465 Posts
June 29 2009 04:00 GMT
#8
Very entertaining read.
numLoCK
Profile Blog Joined November 2008
Canada1416 Posts
June 29 2009 04:07 GMT
#9
Ahaha I laughed so hard.
Brilliant.
micronesia
Profile Blog Joined July 2006
United States24690 Posts
June 29 2009 04:38 GMT
#10
Entertaining but I think it could use more editing if you want it to be proper. A lot of those sentences aren't actually sentences.
ModeratorThere are animal crackers for people and there are people crackers for animals.
Insane Lane
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
United States397 Posts
June 29 2009 04:44 GMT
#11
Reminds me of John Cheese.
nataziel
Profile Blog Joined October 2008
Australia1455 Posts
June 29 2009 05:25 GMT
#12
the solitary swearword at the end is really jarring, I'd change 'fuck' to 'mate', but maybe you intended it that way....
u gotta sk8
Realpenguin
Profile Joined December 2006
8253 Posts
June 29 2009 05:27 GMT
#13
5/5 would read again

no, really it was good hahaha
<Wolfpox> i remember when MVP beat that one guy, and everyone was like 'whoa' except that penguin dude.
Lemonwalrus
Profile Blog Joined August 2006
United States5465 Posts
June 29 2009 05:38 GMT
#14
On June 29 2009 14:25 nataziel wrote:
the solitary swearword at the end is really jarring, I'd change 'fuck' to 'mate', but maybe you intended it that way....

I agree with this, but was afraid to be the first one to say it.
mucker
Profile Blog Joined May 2009
United States1120 Posts
June 29 2009 07:14 GMT
#15
On June 29 2009 14:25 nataziel wrote:
the solitary swearword at the end is really jarring, I'd change 'fuck' to 'mate', but maybe you intended it that way....


disagree. keep the full vulgarity, we're talking cars here.
It's supposed to be automatic but actually you have to press this button.
SayaSP
Profile Blog Joined February 2007
Laos5494 Posts
June 29 2009 07:44 GMT
#16
yo i like it when sentences arent sentences
[iHs]SSP | I-NO-KI BOM-BA-YE | のヮの http://tinyurl.com/MLIStheCV , MLIS.
poilord
Profile Blog Joined January 2007
Germany3252 Posts
June 29 2009 20:21 GMT
#17
hahaha great stuff! The power bomb part made me laugh out loud ;D
Keep it coming!
QuanticHawk
Profile Blog Joined May 2007
United States32064 Posts
June 29 2009 20:42 GMT
#18
On June 29 2009 13:38 micronesia wrote:
Entertaining but I think it could use more editing if you want it to be proper. A lot of those sentences aren't actually sentences.


Breaking the rules is cool as long as you know you're doing it and it definitely works here

This was totally random and funny, and I agree with swapping out fuck in the end. It just doesn't seem to flow with the rest of what you wrote
PROFESSIONAL GAMER - SEND ME OFFERS TO JOIN YOUR TEAM - USA USA USA
floor exercise
Profile Blog Joined August 2008
Canada5847 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-06-30 00:46:51
June 30 2009 00:45 GMT
#19
I'm glad a few people enjoy these enough to read them. I don't really revise things I only spend like 30 minutes writing stupid shit and then I hit post and look for glaring mistakes and fix them and then let it drift off the first page. Also just throwing in fuck was me losing steam and getting bored. I don't consider myself good at writing nor would I ever refer to myself as a writer.

You guys are probably 100% right in any criticisms

I just get one stupid/funny idea in my head, like someone getting power bombed onto the hood of a car, and then I come up with an equally absurd story for it. My original thought was something like a kid hitting my car with a shopping cart or something and then the adult getting power bombed for bad parenting. But I think being this passionate about parking lots is a pretty funny theme too
R3condite
Profile Joined August 2008
Korea (South)1541 Posts
June 30 2009 04:45 GMT
#20
On June 29 2009 13:38 micronesia wrote:
Entertaining but I think it could use more editing if you want it to be proper. A lot of those sentences aren't actually sentences.

Oh, get over it micro. It's the internet!
ggyo...
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