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Starcraft Fanfic! Chapter one!

Blogs > Tensai176
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Tensai176
Profile Blog Joined March 2007
Canada2061 Posts
Last Edited: 2009-05-16 00:28:08
May 16 2009 00:24 GMT
#1
Hey guys, I've been meaning to get out there and do some writing and so every time I come home from the subway I formed some characters and a plot. I had some outlines but in the end I said screw it and went with the flow. I'll be updating probably weekly with the story. Enjoy!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chapter 1: Sai

The moon cradled the sky over a dusty cracked valley, the humidity meshing oddly with the passing drizzle of rain. The stars melted against the timeless horizon and the sapphire trees swayed against the dusty storm, the metallic blue sky forming an ominous surrounding. A dark and mysterious air enveloped them, there was no night on this planet but it was still dark. Three uniformed officers stood on the outskirts of Ansidi Village checking their watches every few seconds. They stood alert anxiously glancing at the admiral, wondering whether the messenger would actually come or if they had been betrayed.

“He’ll come,” reassured the admiral, the shortest one, her voice soft but commanding. Her brown hair was in a ponytail tucked into her cap and her blue eyes focused on the horizon ahead. She was young but talented and experienced; the men beside her were twice as old but nevertheless, had her respect. And no longer than a moment as the words left her mouth, a tall humanoid figure was visible in the distant twilight. His chin was abnormally long, his skin scaly and his eyes were narrow and glowing red. His tattered cape followed him wavering against the strong wind with his hair was braided and trailing around his waist. In his long and thin arms he cradled a baby, a human baby. He approached the admiral and handed her the infant,

“Entaro adun, Lynn,” the name an awkward mesh of Ansidish and English, “Anfila Idul Altishahfado,” continued the tall alien in an echoing and hollow voice. The admiral nodded and carefully took the baby from the alien’s arms.
“Tarounda,” Lynn managed to say in a heavy accent which meant thank you. The protoss elder smiled and his eyes softened as it came across the sleeping infant, “Asiri falato, Sai, alon farishi.” Lynn nodded once again and smiled at the baby, bringing her finger across his soft cheeks.
“His sai?” She asked him and the Protoss’ eyes came stern and serious. “Sai indishia,” the elder spoke and in broken English he managed, “His Sai is overwhelming.”

Suddenly, He jerked his head around noticing the slight tremors beneath their feet and the faint but definite shrieks in the air. The Terran armed themselves, the two men with Gauss rifles and the officer assembling her canister rifle, the protoss had no weapon, or it would seem. The tremors grew and grew and the noise climbed louder and louder, the stench of rotting flesh and rancid breath reaching their noses. The sound was loud now, and the men could barely stand firm; the moving ground disturbing any attempt at balance. A loud shriek gave into the dark and the Protoss was first to move plunging his arm into the ground, drawing out a small dog-like creature. It was impaled, flailing, screaming and kicking the dust around the company till it finally died. The blood stained the air that hung from his bracelet from what the Terrans now realized was his blade. It was invisible.

A great living cloud passed overhead, bringing an even greater darkness than before, and following was many more, at least fifty of the dog-creatures the Protoss had just slain. All varied in sizes, the biggest just smaller than an adult elephant and the smallest no larger than a cat. The overlord above screeched again and the Zerglings quickened pace. He motioned with two hands to the humans,
“Go,” he said in broken English. Lynn hesitated but the men drew her back. The Protoss turned his head around and nodded to her. Their glances met, his dark red and pupil-less eyes showing a tinge of regret and sadness. She understood. Carefully tucking the baby in her arms, they mounted their bikes and sped off to the airbase, Lynn wistfully looking behind her to see the Valiant Protoss’ last stand. He swiped the air swiftly cleaning his blade of the previous blood and facing the swarm. The scene faded quickly and Lynn’s eyes softened but she didn’t allow herself to cry.
“Who is that child?” The man on the right asked,
“Sai,” She responded quietly, “His Sai is great that is what the elder said,”
“Sai?” The man on the left responded confused.
“His psionic energy is great, that’s what he meant. He’s a human they found on their hunting raids, abandoned by whoever left him there.”
“What are we to do with him?”
”I’ve always wanted a child,” Lynn said and cradled the baby in her arms smiling, her eyes soft and sullen as she gazed onto the sleeping face. “Sleep well; we’ll be expecting many things from you, Sai.”


We see things they'll never see
Saracen
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
United States5139 Posts
May 16 2009 00:46 GMT
#2
it's nice

"And no longer than a moment as the words left her mouth, a tall humanoid figure was visible in the distant twilight."
is awkward
and i think you mean "became" instead of "was"

you're going to want to use darker diction in the zerg paragraphs, especially "All varied in sizes, the biggest just smaller than an adult elephant and the smallest no larger than a cat."
it really offsets the mood

"Carefully tucking the baby in her arms, they mounted their bikes and sped off to the airbase, Lynn wistfully looking behind her to see the Valiant Protoss’ last stand."
watch your antecedent, and i would make the second clause a new sentence (or else it sounds awkward)

i liked the mood you created at the very beginning, but you kind of lost it at the end
SoulMarine
Profile Blog Joined January 2009
United States586 Posts
May 16 2009 00:48 GMT
#3
it's okay, but some of the things were strethed out too much.

Many sentences like these :

"wondering whether the messenger would actually come or if they had been betrayed."

Are implied. You could have probably cut off or if they had been betrayed at the least.
베이비 폭스 WeMade 파이팅! ~ WeMade 팬 ~ BaBy 팬 ~ щ(゚Д゚щ) Gee Gee Gee Gee BaBy BaBy BaBy ♫♫
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