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Someone asked whether the previous short I put up was my college essay--it's not. Here's my personal statement... it's a little rough because I wrote it in a hurry (on a plane to China).
EDIT: I know this sounds retarded. I wrote it 5 years ago.
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Eyes
It is said that eyes are windows unto the soul. As the only member of my family without glasses, I guess it’s only natural, then, that those who know me call me outspokenly honest. Those who know me well describe me as the “farsighted” member of our family, “a visionary.”
Those who know me not describe my eyes as burning, intense, always darting about, and according to one debate opponent, “slightly freaky.” Many times I have stared into my bathroom mirror, trying to figure out exactly what sets these two corneas apart from the other twelve billion ones on earth.
The first time my eyes helped me was when I was handed a psalm to read at my Kindergarten’s graduation ceremony—with the text upside-down. My eyes identified the mistake and turned the paper over. Literacy was their initial enlightenment. They puckered unhappily within swim goggles and snapped shut with panic underwater. They thought they would never be rid of the sting of chlorine, but they did. They nervously eyed the water from the starting block, and then closed with exhaustion at the end of the race. My eyes observed with wonder my father unpackaging our first computer, with awe as text moved across a glowing screen, and with puzzled disappointment the first time it crashed.
Later, they read the great works of politico-economic thought: Marx, Weber, Smith—and brought about my second enlightenment: the selection of a philosophy to lead my life by. They chose Franklin’s “Yankee capitalism”, for they saw its results—its skyscrapers, its mansions, its prosperity—across the broad land of America. From then on, they grew to love reading and learning for the knowledge it brought, and visions it gave. These eyes once probed deep into the recesses of computer, emerging to read the glowing text onscreen, then the instruction manual, and find data sector 3F. They nervously accompanied me to the optometrist’s office, and came back with relief when they saw they hadn’t been ruined. They determinedly grappled with the strange and unfamiliar buttons on a graphing calculator and were glued to CNBC trying to comprehend the NASDAQ meltdown.
My eyes graduated to those of a debater and learned to plead or pierce with a single look. They resolutely fought back my eyelids during my increasingly late-night studies. They grittily strained over every single detail of a Bierstadt painting for Academic Decathlon and every single nuance of permutation theory for Math Team. They doggedly plucked out nuanced arguments from other debate cases, envisioned flaws, and sharply projected them back to their writers. They gazed under furrowed brows at stock analyses and projections, and glinted with satisfaction as they watched the portfolio rise. They brightened with pride as the first child received her donated computer, and welled up with tears (but did not cry) when they noticed her blissful unawareness of the poverty surrounding her. They burned with that fire all the way home, and inspired fellow classmates to probe circuits alongside them. They have endured withering sneers and warm smiles, and stared back with the same steely determination.
Soon, these eyes will beam with pride as they hold a diploma from XXXXXX, and they will gaze upon my proud parents from her auditorium stage one last time. Someday, these eyes will confidently stare across a mahogany table littered with feasibility analyses and project timelines; they will be the eyes of a seasoned executive: cool, sharp, and efficient in pursuing their vision. Yet they will also warmly watch over my family. But regardless of what they look at, I hope my eyes will never wear glasses—that they will be true to those I love, and unwavering in what I envision; that they will be eyes worth staring at in the bathroom mirror.
  
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doesn't say enough about your character imo
it's more like "this is all the dramatic / significant / intellectual shit my eyes were involved in or partook in"
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Hmm interesting. But you're not telling a story really, just a bunch of stuff about eyes.
Why is he a debater? What are his goals? Motivations and the like. Is this supposed to be a story o_o.
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Just a tip - you don't want to come off as pretentious in your college essay. You're not expected to write great prose, you're expected to convey something about yourself - something clear and to the point. These people don't know you and what you have to do is ask yourself after reading your essay - "Would I want to take the time to find out more about this person"?
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Heres my personal statement:
Legs
Ah legs, they lead the great walk of life. A wise man once asked me where I would be without my legs?.....Truth be told i'd probably be wherever my Thalidomide junkie of a mother left me. Destined to a horizontal life, like one of those chinese women with bound feet. As I was growing up they allowed me to partake in some of life's true pleasures, such as using a swing in the playground, oh how I am eternally grateful to my legs. One day I shall use my legs to walk to the doctors, where he will be able to tell me additional things about my legs, and they will be relieved and happy. Without my legs I am nothing. I support my legs, for they support me.
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Dick
My dick cost a late night fee
Your dick got the HIV
My dick plays on the double feature screen
Your dick went straight to DVD
My dick bigger than a bridge
Your dick look like a little kids
My dick rush like the chargers (the whole team)
Your shit look like you fourteen
My dick locked in a cage (right)
Your dick suffer from stage fright
My dick so hot its stolen
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
My dick pink and big
Your dick stinks like shit
My dick got a caesar doo,
Your dick needs a tweezer dude
My dick is like supersize
Your dick look like two fries
My dick more mass than the Earth
Your dick half staff (it needs work)
My dick been there done that
Your dick sits there with dunce cap
My dick, V.I.P.
Your shit needs I.D.
[Repeat 2x]
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.s. we got dicks like Jesus
My dick need no introduction
Your dick don't even function
My dick served a whole lunch-in
Your dick, it look like a munchkin
My dick size of a pumpkin
Your dick look like Macauley Culkin
My dick good good lovin'
Your dick good for nothin'
My dick bench pressed 350
Your dick couldn’t shoplift at thrifty
My dick pretty damn skimpy
Your dick hungry as a hippy
My dick don't fit down the chimney
Your dick is like a kid from the Philippines
My dick is like an M16
Your dick, broken vending machine
My dick parts the seas
Your dick farts and quiefs
My dick rumble in the jungle
Your dick got touched by your uncle
My dick goes to yoga
Your dick fruit roll up
My dick grade a beef
Your dick may-day geek
My dick sick and dangerous
Your dick quick and painless
My dick 'nuff said.
Your dick loves sweat
[Repeat 2x]
It's time that we let the world know
Dude, you gotta let your girl go
D.S. is the best in the business
P.s. we got dicks like Jesus
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Teeth
As I graduate from High School and move towards higher learning, I am reminded of the journey my mouth has taken in shedding its baby teeth to make way for my adult teeth. More numerous and larger, they perfectly describe my burning desire for the scholarly arts. As my teeth rip, tear and chew at such delicious foods as pizza, cheeseburgers, and glazed ham, so too do I long to sate my voracious appetite for knowledge. Ever grounded by my pinkish gumline, my loving family and friends, who also take on a pinkish hue from our Caucasian heritage, safeguard me with their love and support. As my teeth journey through life they must avoid the destructive pitfalls like plaque, cavities, and gingivitis so too do I walk the straight and narrow, concentrating on my educational goals and avoiding drugs, alcohol and pre marital sex.
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Spleen
In the short span of life I have lived thus far, I have seldom thanked the people who provided me with such great opportunities in this wonderous life of mine. My parents, who provided undying help and support in all my ventures (as well as the life I'm living), deserve the most credit, but a significant share also is due to my loving friends, who dispensed endless entertainment and company, and my spleen, who helped me destroy redundant red blood cells and store my blood. It's an oft overlooked necessity of all humans, destroying redundant red blood cells. Caught up in quests as aloof as winning Nobel Prizes and ending world hunger, humans tend to forget the most basic tasks they must undertake and the amount of assistance they receive from the spleen. Without the spleen, I would not be alive to witness such great events as the historic election of Barack Obama, nor express my outrage at the hate-driven debacle of 9/11. Every accomplishment I have made (which are numerous, just look at the rest of my fucking commonapp), I could credit to the existence of my spleen, and I hope it will stay with me to my last dying breath.
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Baa?21248 Posts
Can I copypasta some of this to use for my safety-safety school application?
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On February 11 2009 08:18 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Can I copypasta some of this to use for my safety-safety school application?
go ahead, but making a duplicate application so that you can sned an alternate version of the commonapp is actually pretty complicated =.=;;;
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lol thanks for the comments guys... i know this was kind of retarded. i graduated from college 2 years ago, so w/e
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Speak more plainly. The way your essay reads, it looks like you went through afterwards and used the Microsoft Word thesaurus to make yourself sound smarter. Instead, it comes off awkward when it's obvious the word doesn't fit. Try to avoid annoying transition words like "but" and "yet". Also try to vary sentence length rather than using tons of extra commas and semicolons to form long, rambling thoughts. Those are just the structural problems I saw with a quick skim-through, but it looks like pirate cod and SpiritoftheTunA had some good advice for content (not the dick poem, the thing not enough character description).
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On February 11 2009 08:34 t_co wrote:
lol thanks for the comments guys... i know this was kind of retarded. i graduated from college 2 years ago, so w/e
oh totally didnt realize the reason for you posting this
yeah i was like wtf why is somebody posting a college essay in feb
my baaaad
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I decided to take an alternate approach and write about a childhood pastime; playing baseball. I don't know if it worked or not (Will find out in May) but I think that college essay readers are of tired of hearing about how dickishly proud you are of yourself.
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for the record, i wrote about being pissed off at people who learn just to pass tests
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United States3824 Posts
On February 11 2009 08:18 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Can I copypasta some of this to use for my safety-safety school application?
Lol you epic fail at intelligence.
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On February 11 2009 09:20 cgrinker wrote:Show nested quote +On February 11 2009 08:18 Carnivorous Sheep wrote:
Can I copypasta some of this to use for my safety-safety school application? Lol you epic fail at intelligence.
there are so many things wrong with his statement that I don't even know where to begin.
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If you ask me, it's way over the top and silly. And seriously, what if the person reading your essay wears glasses? It's going to make them think you think you are superior. I would auto reject you if I was on an admissions committee and read this essay, no matter what your credentials. You are right in highlighting your strengths, but try to sound more humble (i.e., a friend who read it wouldn't want to slap you afterwords).
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What undergrad did you end up going to?
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EPT
