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The Last Season
Below of the skies which darken in tar
Where seared earth meets no wish of life, anymore
Where putrid angels lay slew, in gross gore
Lone wanderer draws near, from afar,
Where the skies darken in tar.
The scarlet of sunsets is long since gone
The gold of autumn blackened, and burnt
Silently since, all but memories are done
Where black crows ascend, in death-croaking spar,
Towards the skies which darken in tar.
The forest whimpers from its stubs whitening lament
As its soul succumbs to blackening, autumn crescent
Dreary, the darkest of seasons smothered the daydreams
Of clumping shapes kept unlit, fearing senseless disbar
Beneath skies which darken in tar.
And so he nears limping, black robe unable to hide
The namelessness within its dark hood, black eyes
Charred and forgotten, sight of limbs in unison strides
Seeking a mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
Lost trekker under black clouds full of lead
Lost are his dreams, into blistered hands of the dead
Lost does he stare at bare gravestones raised tall
On his old cradle, now cemetery of brothers who fall,
From skies which darken in tar.
As deep thunder engulfs the dismantling lie
As candid death pours recklessly onto life, without cry
Devoting sweltering demons wisdom upon the urge
Of obscure night to approach, to devour and purge
The nomad is bent to his knees by sleep-wielding surge.
Grave, grinding Sleep, unholy brother of Death,
Heard abysmal cries of its quarry, secluded in tomb
Of all the kindred's oppressing, impassable womb
Quietly the man begins to falter, cannot hush now any further.
Soundless, death-bound whispers come across,
Pagan holding dearly his corroded, ancient cross.
Eerie, creeping form, voice of blackening bellows
Voice of the fetid, unhealed human souls-
Tone bearing the flurry of the ocean in its fury;
Quietly the man begins to falter, cannot hush now any further.
Loudly, death-bound shouting comes across,
Pagan holding dearly his corroded, ancient cross:
“Demon, how could you have swallowed
All that I held hallowed?”
Then, akin to snakes’ enwrapped –
Great unsettling voicing tapped
Through his arms, his chest and throat –
Desolate heart sapped:
”Do you not know what you seek,
Oh, pale remnant of the weak?
I could not bare less remorse,
For the torment you endorse
Know that your oblivion, I cannot awaken
And it is your own you have forsaken!
Now you see - human devise
Brought about the World's demise.”
Winter fells… the very last of seasons
The gates freeze devoid of meaning
Time decays, and seems spinning,
Snowfall seizes all of the paths
In grim serenity, leading nowhere
But infinity.
By the blizzard then awaken – icy cross held to his mouth
In those frozen wastes, not a soul could hear his shout
Bar his cross is broken… and the summon sheds in vain
Blooded words of Truth, useless calling of Thy name...
Thus, lust in those darkest halls of yearning winter
Drowned promises forevermore, as we became
Amidst not the thunders of Apocalypse but with a whimper
Our self-consuming bane.
for those of you who are aware of my shit... and for those who aren't
shameless self promotion
+ Show Spoiler +http://www.niifantasy.deviantart.com/
 
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I made an honest effort to read this all the way through but honestly your work is much too dark for my taste. The first thing I noticed though is a terrible first line, the sky turned to tar? I really think there is a better comparison there, tar makes me think of road tar. I know that you probably didnt intend that definition but that is what I got from it.
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i thought it was a poem for zerg.
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On October 28 2008 03:36 sqwert wrote:
i thought it was a poem for zerg.
huh?
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haahahhaha i read the title as "rate my porn" rofl
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On October 28 2008 03:28 Sp1ralArch1tect wrote:
I made an honest effort to read this all the way through but honestly your work is much too dark for my taste. The first thing I noticed though is a terrible first line, the sky turned to tar? I really think there is a better comparison there, tar makes me think of road tar. I know that you probably didnt intend that definition but that is what I got from it.
Thank you for your suggestion, however it was my explicit intention to use such words which are usually hard to associate, in pursue of a specific artistic effect. Maybe I blew it, though I just wanted to create the image of a really unnaturally dark sky. Tar seemed good for this, as it may be associated with something dense, asphixiating(Tar is a viscous black liquid derived from the destructive distillation of organic matter - Wikipedia).
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i read it 3 times but I still can't find a purpose for it, what are you trying to say? i dont get it
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Netherlands6142 Posts
First of I think some of the English word dont have the meaning you're looking for (presuming English is a foreign learned language to you, not native. if it is native..wow, have to read my dictionary again maybe) and the syntax is a bit off, but doesn't matter too much.
The metre in some parts is really good (I liked the line Tone bearing the flurry of the ocean in its fury) but in some parts its a bit messy.
As far as imagery goes I like analogies that go a bit far but I'm not sure about the wimpering forest. Also your image of Death doesn't seem consistent. Blistered hands, to me, infer hard work and toil but moments later it 'pours' which, I think, doesn't require much effort. Think more about how ou want to depict Death. Tar is okay as far a theme and pitchblackness goes but the connotations (sluggishness? a workspace? tiers??) need more motivation. Since it has ascociations that are not brought to light in the poem you can't just use the word becasue it's black.
Also I'm not too sure about the words pagan + cross in the same man. Many pagan cultures have crosses but since you mention Thy Name later on it's hard to not think of the cross as Christian. How, then, does pagan come in?
After a few paragraphs I got 'the hang of it' and could almost picture a stranger in an icy forest visiting graves but overall I'm not too impressed. I'd read it again but I'll let you work on it a bit more first. k?
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Stylistically reminds me of Edgar A. Poe.
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Your poem lacks a bit of... rhythm
You need short lines for emphasis too, in this free verse you have.
example:
And so he nears limping, black robe unable to hide
The namelessness within its dark hood, black eyes
Charred and forgotten, sight of limbs in unison strides
Seeking a mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
could be:
He limps closer, his black robe unveils
The namelessness enclosed in dark hood
Black eyes -- charred and forgotten,
Limbs in unison strides.
Seeking mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
Not sure if you wanted anything resembling that, but lyrically it's better than what you have I think.
Lots of poetry writing is weighting your words too, black, nameless, dark, black, charred, forgotten, all in 3 lines... they get the point. Forgetting the eyes you've described seems silly, they're such a strong image, don't suggest people forget them.
He limps closer, his deep robe unveils
That which enclosed by hood revealed
Eyes -- charred yet intense
Limbs in unison strides.
Seeking mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
But my style is far different from yours, and I probably didn't capture what you even wanted to say here [I can't seem to decipher the limbs, so I think I missed something]. But, try going through it and noticing how many adjectives you double up on, darkening in tar is fine as you have it, but sometimes you used the same type of words over and over again, but they weren't the same, just drop them. Poetry should be as succinct as possible, to the point of possible ambiguity, it's more condensed than most other writing. [It's perfectly reasonable to disagree, at least in this format, you just won't have me as a fan, but I'm not everyone, and what some people like is very strange to me]
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On October 28 2008 04:08 inertinept wrote:
i read it 3 times but I still can't find a purpose for it, what are you trying to say? i dont get it
It's about a man walking in a very surreal place (meant to describe how the world will look when it ends). He is the last human, and although he wants religion to save him, he is unable to contact Divinity in any way. He goes in a trance/sleep state, where he has a dialogue with a demon. Upon asking the demon why has the World become so dark and sinister, the demon replies that it is not his work, but the humans' work.
He awakens, and then winter 'starts', syumbolizing the last stage of my imagined Apocalypse. It was based on the quote by T.S. Eliot, "this is the way the world ends/not with a bang but a whimper." from "The Hollow Man"
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On October 28 2008 04:10 Pholon wrote:
First of I think some of the English word dont have the meaning you're looking for (presuming English is a foreign learned language to you, not native. if it is native..wow, have to read my dictionary again maybe) and the syntax is a bit off, but doesn't matter too much.
The metre in some parts is really good (I liked the line Tone bearing the flurry of the ocean in its fury) but in some parts its a bit messy.
As far as imagery goes I like analogies that go a bit far but I'm not sure about the wimpering forest. Also your image of Death doesn't seem consistent. Blistered hands, to me, infer hard work and toil but moments later it 'pours' which, I think, doesn't require much effort. Think more about how ou want to depict Death. Tar is okay as far a theme and pitchblackness goes but the connotations (sluggishness? a workspace? tiers??) need more motivation. Since it has ascociations that are not brought to light in the poem you can't just use the word becasue it's black.
Also I'm not too sure about the words pagan + cross in the same man. Many pagan cultures have crosses but since you mention Thy Name later on it's hard to not think of the cross as Christian. How, then, does pagan come in?
After a few paragraphs I got 'the hang of it' and could almost picture a stranger in an icy forest visiting graves but overall I'm not too impressed. I'd read it again but I'll let you work on it a bit more first. k?
Thank you very much for your feedback. Well, first of all, English is not my first language, as I am fully Romanian, and I always lived here. Secondly, I am aware that I forcefully used some words to which I'm not perfectly accustomed to, so the syntax is off in some places. It is mostly related to description I think.
I think you're right about my image of Death not being consistent, but I was trying to suggest an overwheliming Death, of more than just humans. I was thinking of a Symbolist (not sure how the current's called in English, I'm talking about Verlaine, Baudelaire, etc) approach, and I meant to suggest Death as indirectly as possible. I realize that maybe it's not a very consistent approach overall.
About the pagan and the cross, the man tried to regain his religion, and through it, hope of redemption. He puts his hopes in the cross he is wielding, but he is using it with no effect, as his contact with Divinity seems impossible to obtain (Christian Dvinity, because it was more easily suggested by the cross). That is why he cannot exceed the state of a pagan. The word pagan is, relative to Christians, a person who does not believe in divinity as the Christians see it, and it is irrelevant from a Christian point of view if said pagan has any other religion. I think the term 'pagan' is a little too vague for what purpose I've intended in the poem.
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On October 28 2008 04:25 Chariot wrote:
Your poem lacks a bit of... rhythm
You need short lines for emphasis too, in this free verse you have.
example:
And so he nears limping, black robe unable to hide
The namelessness within its dark hood, black eyes
Charred and forgotten, sight of limbs in unison strides
Seeking a mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
could be:
He limps closer, his black robe unveils
The namelessness enclosed in dark hood
Black eyes -- charred and forgotten,
Limbs in unison strides.
Seeking mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
Not sure if you wanted anything resembling that, but lyrically it's better than what you have I think.
Lots of poetry writing is weighting your words too, black, nameless, dark, black, charred, forgotten, all in 3 lines... they get the point. Forgetting the eyes you've described seems silly, they're such a strong image, don't suggest people forget them.
He limps closer, his deep robe unveils
That which enclosed by hood revealed
Eyes -- charred yet intense
Limbs in unison strides.
Seeking mere phantom's reflection, not far
Under skies which darken in tar.
But my style is far different from yours, and I probably didn't capture what you even wanted to say here [I can't seem to decipher the limbs, so I think I missed something]. But, try going through it and noticing how many adjectives you double up on, darkening in tar is fine as you have it, but sometimes you used the same type of words over and over again, but they weren't the same, just drop them. Poetry should be as succinct as possible, to the point of possible ambiguity, it's more condensed than most other writing. [It's perfectly reasonable to disagree, at least in this format, you just won't have me as a fan, but I'm not everyone, and what some people like is very strange to me]
umm... in my version every verse except one has a rhyme. In yours it lacks rhyme.
I realize I'm forcing the rhythm here and there, and it's mostly because many of the stanzas have their own rhythm, which overall can create a diffcult, dynamic musicality which may prove very hard to properly interpretate/feel.
As far as the intensive use of related adjectives, it is really characteristic to Symbolism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Symbolism_(arts)). So it's not really my invention, although of course I give it my own interpretation. Out of the art movements society experienced over time, this one is one of the less popular.
I'm not very good in using ambiguity as it should be used in poetry, but then again, I really don't think anything "should" really anything in arts(does that make sense?).
Also, about the eyes, I really didn't wanted a strong, intimidating image of some black robe figure, nor a dark knight or menacing presence of any sort. It is a pale remnant of a man, forgotten, wandering, possibly insane after losing identity and humanity, barely living.
Thank you very much for your feedback, and yes, I do agree that we have very dfferent visions and perhaps even thinking .
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thought your dA was milffantasy for a moment. :D
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On October 28 2008 05:11 Raithed wrote:
thought your dA was milffantasy for a moment. :D
LoL. What does MILF mean anyway? I honestly don't know the exact meaning, although I'm aware of the field in which it's being used
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his point was that your poem is weaker by having to rely on a rhyme scheme. there is nothing "musical" or lyrical about your theme - it is really heavy and dark, without rhyme you could have made it much stronger.
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EPT
