|
Hi, I'm just doing this essay so I can get this scholarship and I just want some of you guys to read it and tell me what mistakes there are and if I'm sticking to the prompt. Just tell me what you guys think. Thanks
*Edit*
It "looks" better thanks to decaf.
PROMPT: Please describe in detail the adversities you indicated in Section 4 above, questions 1-8. If your adversity is strictly financial need, please describe how your financial situation has been an obstacle in your life. Include what you have done to overcome and cope with these obstacles. (250-350 words)
ESSAY:
Ever since my family moved to the United States, financial trouble has plagued us. Although we weren’t living in the streets, my parents have worked hard for every inch, even with help from our friends. Our family had to skimp out on what may be considered essential to others to get by. Things such as turning off lights, flushing the toilet sparingly, and going without air condition even in the hottest parts summer became routine for us. Most of my childhood was spent living in cramped apartments until our church was able to help us move into a small home they owned by reducing the rent. However, after two years our family had to move into a trailer that was given to us by my mother’s friend free of charge. As a kid, I never invited my friends over, ashamed of my meager housing compared to theirs. This continued for years until my family and I were finally able to move into a house. I thought things would change and I would love to have friends over, but a residual mindset carried over from the when I lived in the trailer subconsciously prevented me from inviting people over.
Two years later our family had a meeting where it was revealed that we were going to move back into a trailer. At that time, I had already been settled into the house and loved living there more than anywhere previously. Now they were telling me that we had to move back to what I considered a lower lifestyle, one that I did not enjoy. I was given an option between the two. If we stayed in the house, my parents would have to work harder than ever, and food could be scarce. On the other hand, if we moved to the trailer our family would have more time together and money for other things. It was a hard decision, but when I looked into my heart I knew I rather be able to spend more time with them, and I would have felt guilty forcing them work extra just so I can enjoy living in a house.
I have spent the last two years living in this trailer, and realize I am happy having somewhere to call home, rather than having an actual house. Reflecting upon my life, I realize that it could be a lot worse, and I am happy having a roof over my head and a loving family. I know my family may never get to live in a nice house, but I respect my parents immensely regardless of that fact. I have come to appreciate that it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter where I live. My friends like me for who I am, not where I live, and that I am more than the sum of my belongings. I have wasted too much of my life worrying about the negative superficial aspects, and plan to look towards the good in life from now on. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, a home isn’t just a building; it’s a place you can go to knowing a family that loves you is there.
|
Paragraphs are your friend. Seriously, no one will bother to read a block of text that big.
|
Fucking awful english, i'm assuming its not your native tongue so i wont hold it against you. I basically re-wrote it for you. Theres probably still a lot wrong with it, but at least it sounds a lot better and is grammatically better (i hope) by the way its 561 words:
Ever since my family moved to the United States, financial trouble has plagued us. Although we weren’t living in the streets, my parents have worked hard for every inch, even with help from our friends. Our family had to skimp out on what may be considered essential to others to get by. Things such as turning off lights, flushing the toilet sparingly, and going without air condition even in the hottest parts summer became routine for us. Most of my childhood was spent living in cramped apartments until our church was able to help us move into a small home they owned by reducing the rent. However, after two years our family had to move into a trailer that was given to us by my mother’s friend free of charge. As a kid, I never invited my friends over, ashamed of my meager housing compared to theirs. This continued for years until my family and I were finally able to move into a house. I thought things would change and I would love to have friends over, but a residual mindset carried over from the when I lived in the trailer subconsciously prevented me from inviting people over.
Two years later our family had a meeting where it was revealed that we were going to move back into a trailer. At that time, I had already been settled into the house and loved living there more than anywhere previously. Now they were telling me that we had to move back to what I considered a lower lifestyle, one that I did not enjoy. I was given an option between the two. If we stayed in the house, my parents would have to work harder than ever, and food could be scarce. On the other hand, if we moved to the trailer our family would have more time together and money for other things. It was a hard decision, but when I looked into my heart I knew I rather be able to spend more time with them, and I would have felt guilty forcing them work extra just so I can enjoy living in a house.
I have spent the last two years living in this trailer, and realize I am happy having somewhere to call home, rather than having an actual house. Reflecting upon my life, I realize that it could be a lot worse, and I am happy having a roof over my head and a loving family. I know my family may never get to live in a nice house, but I respect my parents immensely regardless of that fact. I have come to appreciate that it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter where I live. My friends like me for who I am, not where I live, and that I am more than the sum of my belongings. I have wasted too much of my life worrying about the negative superficial aspects, and plan to look towards the good in life from now on. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, a home isn’t just a building; it’s a place you can go to knowing a family that loves you is there.
|
On October 15 2007 11:53 decafchicken wrote:
Fucking awful english, i'm assuming its not your native tongue so i wont hold it against you. I basically re-wrote it for you. Theres probably still a lot wrong with it, but at least it sounds a lot better and is grammatically better (i hope) by the way its 561 words:
Ever since my family moved to the United States, financial trouble has plagued us. Although we weren’t living in the streets, my parents have worked hard for every inch, even with help from our friends. Our family had to skimp out on what may be considered essential to others to get by. Things such as turning off lights, flushing the toilet sparingly, and going without air condition even in the hottest parts summer became routine for us. Most of my childhood was spent living in cramped apartments until our church was able to help us move into a small home they owned by reducing the rent. However, after two years our family had to move into a trailer that was given to us by my mother’s friend free of charge. As a kid, I never invited my friends over, ashamed of my meager housing compared to theirs. This continued for years until my family and I were finally able to move into a house. I thought things would change and I would love to have friends over, but a residual mindset carried over from the when I lived in the trailer subconsciously prevented me from inviting people over.
Two years later our family had a meeting where it was revealed that we were going to move back into a trailer. At that time, I had already been settled into the house and loved living there more than anywhere previously. Now they were telling me that we had to move back to what I considered a lower lifestyle, one that I did not enjoy. I was given an option between the two. If we stayed in the house, my parents would have to work harder than ever, and food could be scarce. On the other hand, if we moved to the trailer our family would have more time together and money for other things. It was a hard decision, but when I looked into my heart I knew I rather be able to spend more time with them, and I would have felt guilty forcing them work extra just so I can enjoy living in a house.
I have spent the last two years living in this trailer, and realize I am happy having somewhere to call home, rather than having an actual house. Reflecting upon my life, I realize that it could be a lot worse, and I am happy having a roof over my head and a loving family. I know my family may never get to live in a nice house, but I respect my parents immensely regardless of that fact. I have come to appreciate that it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter where I live. My friends like me for who I am, not where I live, and that I am more than the sum of my belongings. I have wasted too much of my life worrying about the negative superficial aspects, and plan to look towards the good in life from now on. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, a home isn’t just a building; it’s a place you can go to knowing a family that loves you is there.
How was it awful english? I'm not saying it wasn't but I want to become a better writer so I was just wondering. I'm a senior and I got into AP english class to improve my writing. If u have time can u tell me how and why the previous was bad and how I can do better in the future?
(Here's the old since I edited it out in my opening post)
+ Show Spoiler +
Ever since I came into the United States, we always had many issues financially. The financial issues weren't extreme to the point where we had to live in the streets, but there were many times where we had to work for every inch even with the help from our friends. My father would always figure out different ways to save money as best he could such as not wasting electricity, not flushing the toilet at times on purpose to not waste water but worst of all turning off the air conditioning sometimes which made it almost unbearable to sleep at night because it was so hot in the house even with the windows open, when i had school the next day. Even to this day, he still does various things to save money. Throughout the years I've always lived in small apartments for a long time until we finally moved into a house with the help of the church I went to. The church owned the house and let us live there by significantly reducing the price every month. However, after two years we had to move to a trailer which we didn't even buy but was given to us for free from my mom's friend who just recently got through paying for all of it. As a kid I was always ashamed because I didn't live in a nice house like my friends did. I didn't want anyone to come to my apartment, espcially my friends. It went on for years until I finally moved into a house. I thought things would "magically" change and I would want friends to come to my house but the feeling was the same as when I lived in the apartment although the shame factor was gone. After two years my parents and I had a family meeting and they told me we had to move into a trailer. At that point, I was settled into the house and I loved living there. Now they were telling me that we had to move to what I considered a place that's even poorer than an apartment. However, they told me to continue living in the house, they would have to work harder than ever and would only have barely enough to eat. However, if we moved to the trailer, we would have plenty to eat and we could see our parents more. It was hard at first but I searched deep into my heart and told myself I would rather have them home with me. Besides, I would feel too guilty "forcing" them to work extra hard just so I can be happy living in a house. I been living in the trailer for about two years now and I just want to say how thankful I am for even "living" somewhere I can call home. There are so many homeless people out there who wish they can live in a house that's warm and protects them. Looking back at the circumstances I have it better than many people do and all the shame I used to have of not living in a nice house went away. I know it's not likley that I'll ever live in a nice house but I respect my parents so much in that they chose to go this difficult path so that they can follow God's will for them. So what if I live in a trailer? None of my friends care. It wasn't even anything to worry about and yet in the past I made it something so big when I could've just not let it bother me and look at more important things in life. I wasted way too much time worrying about nothing and from here on out I plan to look onto the good things in life. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, home isn't where you live but just knowing that you can go home to your family who loves you, that's home. I've learned to overcome my obstacles just by knowing that my parents are happy and don't have to overwork themselves to live in a nice home. Me changing my attitude of the way I viewed the situation played an important role in me overcoming these obstacles. It all had to start with me and my chaging of attitude to turn my life back on track and move on towards things that actually did matter.
|
Awkward wording, bad word choices, grammatical shit, flow, paragraphs, etc. I dont really feel like going over every change i made and why, considering that would take several hours. I was initially going to go over the things you did wrong, and realized it'd be faster to just re-write it.
|
On October 15 2007 12:06 decafchicken wrote:
Awkward wording, bad word choices, grammatical shit, flow, paragraphs, etc. I dont really feel like going over every change i made and why, considering that would take several hours. I was initially going to go over the things you did wrong, and realized it'd be faster to just re-write it.
How would one improve at these things? Is it just common sense?
|
On October 15 2007 12:20 MaRiNe23 wrote:Show nested quote +On October 15 2007 12:06 decafchicken wrote:
Awkward wording, bad word choices, grammatical shit, flow, paragraphs, etc. I dont really feel like going over every change i made and why, considering that would take several hours. I was initially going to go over the things you did wrong, and realized it'd be faster to just re-write it. How would one improve at these things? Is it just common sense?
experience, classes, reading/writing practice
|
Some tips:
1] Paragraphs, but you probably already know that. With this basic advice I include the couple spelling mistakes that you made.
2] Formal writing does not use contractions (at least that's how I was taught).
3] Use more variety in your vocabulary. If you can't, then at the very least don't use the same phrase in back-to-back sentences or even in the same paragraph (ie: financial issues).
4] Keep the prompt in mind. Musing about God doesn't really advance your argument or your goal.
5] Air quotes that show that you sorta mean something but don't really mean it are colloquialisms and generally should not be used. Find a word that means what you want it to mean. Included in this are all colloquialisms.
6] Run on sentences are the devil. Eg: I thought things would "magically" change and I would want friends to come to my house but the feeling was the same as when I lived in the apartment although the shame factor was gone. What exactly are you trying to say here? I'm guessing a) you thought things would change and b) you would want friends to come over, with the result that c) you felt the same as when you lived in the apartment with the difference that now d) the shame factor is gone. So break it up and make it flow better, rather than just lumping it all together, though I honestly think that you don't need all of that.
7] Generally, be more concise. With only 250-350 words to play around with, every sentence counts. Be to the point.
8] Every sentence should flow to the next. To use the same example as above, what does it have to do with the next sentence? You just jump right into the two years later and leave the reader wondering what was the point of the whole thing.
Just a few tips. I'll give the editting thing a shot later when I have more time.
*edit* I have to recommend The Elements of Style to anyone wanting to improve their writing. Link: http://sut1.sut.ac.th/strunk/
|
I been in advanced english classes all my life and I always considered writing my weakest. After all this time I thought I would've improved..and being full korean is no excuse. But I did kinda write that fast and just put down my ideas..i didn't really try as hard on that even though i should've >.<
maybe that's y? Whatever, urs sounds WAY better than what I could've done even if i revised it many times
|
United States24776 Posts
I recommend removing cliche's like "at the end of the day"
|
decaf I just re-read ur edits and it's fuking superior to what I wrote. I mean all the ideas are mine but the way u revised it makes it seem like an A+ essay. I had no idea that a simple editing can make an essay look so much..so much..better..can u teach me? I really need some help as u can see if u compare my old essay to urs. I'm being serious, if u have aim or anything u can teach me over there if u want(but it's ur choice)
|
Yea, Decaf's version is far superior to your original one. Just some points to correct in your orginal:
- run on sentences, try not to make a sentence that is 3 lines long with a shitload of commas
- paragraphs, seeing a huge block of text will not make the reader want to read it
- better vocab, the thesaurus is your friend
- don't repeat the same things, don't talk about the same idea or same words over and over
- transition words, make things flow from each sentence using words/phrases like "In addition and
Consequently"
- relate to the prompt/topic and structure your text in some way
All these have been mentioned but i thought i would just reinforce the importance of these points.
Anyways, you still have to cut down 200 words so i think you should choose better vocabulary and summarize a bit more.
Good luck
|
United States10774 Posts
can you post your old version up?
I want to give you some pointers of what you could improve on (if i can). I can only see decaf's version.
|
On October 15 2007 15:46 OneOther wrote:
can you post your old version up?
I want to give you some pointers of what you could improve on (if i can). I can only see decaf's version.
It's here in the spoiler at the end:
On October 15 2007 12:02 MaRiNe23 wrote:Show nested quote +On October 15 2007 11:53 decafchicken wrote:
Fucking awful english, i'm assuming its not your native tongue so i wont hold it against you. I basically re-wrote it for you. Theres probably still a lot wrong with it, but at least it sounds a lot better and is grammatically better (i hope) by the way its 561 words:
Ever since my family moved to the United States, financial trouble has plagued us. Although we weren’t living in the streets, my parents have worked hard for every inch, even with help from our friends. Our family had to skimp out on what may be considered essential to others to get by. Things such as turning off lights, flushing the toilet sparingly, and going without air condition even in the hottest parts summer became routine for us. Most of my childhood was spent living in cramped apartments until our church was able to help us move into a small home they owned by reducing the rent. However, after two years our family had to move into a trailer that was given to us by my mother’s friend free of charge. As a kid, I never invited my friends over, ashamed of my meager housing compared to theirs. This continued for years until my family and I were finally able to move into a house. I thought things would change and I would love to have friends over, but a residual mindset carried over from the when I lived in the trailer subconsciously prevented me from inviting people over.
Two years later our family had a meeting where it was revealed that we were going to move back into a trailer. At that time, I had already been settled into the house and loved living there more than anywhere previously. Now they were telling me that we had to move back to what I considered a lower lifestyle, one that I did not enjoy. I was given an option between the two. If we stayed in the house, my parents would have to work harder than ever, and food could be scarce. On the other hand, if we moved to the trailer our family would have more time together and money for other things. It was a hard decision, but when I looked into my heart I knew I rather be able to spend more time with them, and I would have felt guilty forcing them work extra just so I can enjoy living in a house.
I have spent the last two years living in this trailer, and realize I am happy having somewhere to call home, rather than having an actual house. Reflecting upon my life, I realize that it could be a lot worse, and I am happy having a roof over my head and a loving family. I know my family may never get to live in a nice house, but I respect my parents immensely regardless of that fact. I have come to appreciate that it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t matter where I live. My friends like me for who I am, not where I live, and that I am more than the sum of my belongings. I have wasted too much of my life worrying about the negative superficial aspects, and plan to look towards the good in life from now on. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, a home isn’t just a building; it’s a place you can go to knowing a family that loves you is there.
How was it awful english? I'm not saying it wasn't but I want to become a better writer so I was just wondering. I'm a senior and I got into AP english class to improve my writing. If u have time can u tell me how and why the previous was bad and how I can do better in the future? (Here's the old since I edited it out in my opening post) + Show Spoiler +
Ever since I came into the United States, we always had many issues financially. The financial issues weren't extreme to the point where we had to live in the streets, but there were many times where we had to work for every inch even with the help from our friends. My father would always figure out different ways to save money as best he could such as not wasting electricity, not flushing the toilet at times on purpose to not waste water but worst of all turning off the air conditioning sometimes which made it almost unbearable to sleep at night because it was so hot in the house even with the windows open, when i had school the next day. Even to this day, he still does various things to save money. Throughout the years I've always lived in small apartments for a long time until we finally moved into a house with the help of the church I went to. The church owned the house and let us live there by significantly reducing the price every month. However, after two years we had to move to a trailer which we didn't even buy but was given to us for free from my mom's friend who just recently got through paying for all of it. As a kid I was always ashamed because I didn't live in a nice house like my friends did. I didn't want anyone to come to my apartment, espcially my friends. It went on for years until I finally moved into a house. I thought things would "magically" change and I would want friends to come to my house but the feeling was the same as when I lived in the apartment although the shame factor was gone. After two years my parents and I had a family meeting and they told me we had to move into a trailer. At that point, I was settled into the house and I loved living there. Now they were telling me that we had to move to what I considered a place that's even poorer than an apartment. However, they told me to continue living in the house, they would have to work harder than ever and would only have barely enough to eat. However, if we moved to the trailer, we would have plenty to eat and we could see our parents more. It was hard at first but I searched deep into my heart and told myself I would rather have them home with me. Besides, I would feel too guilty "forcing" them to work extra hard just so I can be happy living in a house. I been living in the trailer for about two years now and I just want to say how thankful I am for even "living" somewhere I can call home. There are so many homeless people out there who wish they can live in a house that's warm and protects them. Looking back at the circumstances I have it better than many people do and all the shame I used to have of not living in a nice house went away. I know it's not likley that I'll ever live in a nice house but I respect my parents so much in that they chose to go this difficult path so that they can follow God's will for them. So what if I live in a trailer? None of my friends care. It wasn't even anything to worry about and yet in the past I made it something so big when I could've just not let it bother me and look at more important things in life. I wasted way too much time worrying about nothing and from here on out I plan to look onto the good things in life. Throughout these experiences, I learned that living in a nice house doesn't really matter. What matters most is that I have a loving family who cares for my well-being and works hard to provide for me. At the end of the day, home isn't where you live but just knowing that you can go home to your family who loves you, that's home. I've learned to overcome my obstacles just by knowing that my parents are happy and don't have to overwork themselves to live in a nice home. Me changing my attitude of the way I viewed the situation played an important role in me overcoming these obstacles. It all had to start with me and my chaging of attitude to turn my life back on track and move on towards things that actually did matter.
|
United States10774 Posts
|
United States10774 Posts
...wow Decaf made your essay at least ten times better than it originally was. no offense.
I will give you some basic tips after I sleeping/going to school,
|
oh yea, change air condition to air conditioning
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
