I've realised that online dating isn't for me... for now.
I absolutely wanted a date, I found a girl that was ready to go on a date with, but I'm not attracted to her and I got cold feet from this whole thing.
I'm still a bit lonely, but I guess I'm getting what I want: to stay alone.
I'm not lonely enough to try everything to break out of it.
I'm fine on my own, I'm doing okay, I don't know if I'll keep going to the gym, I wanted results fast, I'm barely losing weight, I'm not eating enough, I may hurt my self, and I'll never get a good body anyway...
I've been eating two 250 calories salad a day with a 120 calories vegetables "snack", and a sugary drink.
I'm going to stop the fruity drink, but being at less than 900 calories a day, exercising, and still having pretty much the same fat as before... I think something is clearly not working there.
Probably I'm not exercising hard enough, and I may be burning my muscles instead of my fat.
A friend told me to give it 2 months... I'm not sure I will, it's exhausting.
Online dating as an ugly guy is brutal, you don't even match with ugly girls, but then after the scammers I had a girl wanting to go on a date with me, and that's when I realised I wasn't ready for this.
I have to accept myself first, I have to live on my own and be "me" before I add anyone to the equation, and if I can only get girls I'm not attracted to, then maybe I'm better off alone.
So yeah, I don't know if I'll go back to the gym after the end of the month, there is so much to watch series and streams. And I'll stop online dating right here, it's useless in my case, impossible standards... It's okay, lots of guys are single, does not mean I can't enjoy life.
And since I've been single my whole life, here is the silver lining: I don't know what I'm missing on, so in a way, I'm not missing anything.
I'll focus on my own growth, and have a body I can live with, or stop the gym and accept that I'll always be flabby at best, and fat at worst... no big deal, accepting defeat is easier than maintaining a perfect body my whole life, a body that I'll probably never achieve given how easy I put fat on.
I'm quite happy tonight, realising that I can live on my own without needing anyone, and that life is quite fine as it is.
Fuck the gym, fuck the diet, fuck online dating, I don't need any of these shit (or maybe I do to feel good, but you get the idea).
Now, I just need something to make more money than my current first entry job, and maybe a hobby (ideally my hobby would be to learn a skill that I can could then use to turn into money, or my hobby would be my business itself, workaholic, just need to find whatever I can do without much knowledge of anything... probably nothing, ho well, maybe I can try and learn something or get a cheap hobby... just need something to occupy my mind, something productive in one way or another).
Maybe I should pick up programming again, but I wasn't good at that.