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Keep in mind that where I live it's not necessarily the norm to move out at a certain age. People often live with parents if they don't have a particular reason not to, until they marry.
I'm 29 years old, I left my parents to attend college in another city in 2009. Graduated in 2014, been working since in the same city as college.
Long story short I'm not working since May, although I had job offers, I was waiting for an indefinite length holiday for a long time, to think about stuff and sort my thoughts out. So I didn't apply for any jobs.
I'm at my parents house since a month and a half (wow time had passed quickly). Today I was thinking what do I gain by living alone away from my family? To answer this question, I asked myself why did I move away in the first place? I could attend a local college and live with my parents while studying. This question was easy to answer:
- I studied at a way better college by moving away
- I was a very shy and dependent person back than, I wanted to improve myself by standing on my own feet
- I didn't get along with my parents back then, they were way more judging and involved in everything I try to do
Now I more or less succeeded the two, and point 3 seems to have changed. I'm an adult with my own house, own income etc. so they don't try to argue with whatever I decide or do.
So I ask myself again what do I gain by living in another city -lets call it city A- alone? City A has more and better quality jobs, but my long term goal is to have a remote online job so I can live anywhere. But my parents city, city B, has a few jobs too, I'm sure I can find a job here with less pay, but less living expenses might offset salary difference.
Where comes another interesting point. It may sound weird to you but I don't have too many things to do with money. Seriously. If I had earned 2x or 3x even 5x the money I earned it wouldn't change any significant thing. I don't like to travel that much, sure it would be good but I don't crave it. I may buy a little better car but that will just go to the same places  Things I like doesn't cost much money, like a bicycle, a PC, long walks.. Etc.
Let me think what would I lose by moving back to my parents, apart from job opportunities.
- I Don't have a girlfriend to lose.
- Not many friends come to my home. Certainly not hot girls so I wouldn't be losing parties or sex, I already don't have them.
- I don't have an extensive social circle. Just have couple of friends I see time to time to keep in touch. Sometimes I don't see them for long periods.
- ? Am I forgetting something?
What would I gain by moving in with my parents:
- Instead of waking up afternoon in an empty house, my mom wakes me when breakfast is ready.
- I have a brother 15 years younger than me, I could tutor him. He wouldn't grow up alone like me. If he decides to become an engineer or a scientist I can jumpstart him.
- I wouldn't have to take care of every little problem on my own. Shower runs low and I have to fight with landlord to get it fixed... Seriously, maintaining and improving a house all by myself is really draining when things go wrong. Couple months ago upstairs neighbors house got flooded and my ceiling was dripping all over the place and I had to go to the work tomorrow...
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I want opinions about what I may be thinking wrong or missing.
I wrote things on my mind for now. I may expand after I take my sleep...
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Interesting perspective. I can relate to you as I graduated the same year, am an engineer living with mom, dont spend much and dont have a gf.
Just like you this is a very comfortable situation. However I didn't experience how life alone is just yet.
For your own questioning, I believe it has to do with your life goals. You stated wanting to do a remote job (another thing i'd love :D). Are you happy with having no girlfriend, not much social life going on? Do you imagine yourself in 10 years with a family, or alone in some thailand beach outside working from your computer?
If you feel you don't lose anything by staying with parents, and dont want this things you're not losing (like parties and sex) then it's perfectly fine.
I believe that the western way of leaving the nest on his own, and start a family possibly away from parents instead of in the same house creates lots of problems with old people care.
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There's nothing about your post that is unreasonable when talking from your perspective. I think the thing you have to consider is your parent's perspective. All parents will say everything under the guise "we want what is best for you," but really you need to think about what is best for your parents too. Will they be happy having you around? Is it a psychic burden to them, especially when they have friends of their own over?
Moreover, you are 29, so your parents must be getting up in years as well (imo a much more significant reason than time apart for parents chilling out a little). It may be a real burden on you to see early signs of old age in your parents as they become gradually more senile. In the end whether you're at home or not you have some responsibility to help them, but you may be signing yourself up early for some sadness.
Honestly speaking, I think living alone does really suck, and I hear you completely on the burden of everything being up to you, and having to deal with a landlord who may not be helpful all by yourself, and having no one to talk to when your neighbors suck. Living with your parents may be one solution to that problem, but it may not be the best solution. If you are feeling isolated and don't have many friends who feel like seeing you, working remote can compound that situation and be a greater challenge than you think. And of course, one day your parents will be gone and this won't help your loneliness anymore.
I don't have any ideas to really help you. I think the situation sucks. Just bringing up some things you didn't write in the OP. There is genuinely a feeling of defeat and sadness when living alone and supporting yourself doesn't make you any happier than being at your folks.
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On July 26 2018 13:29 mantequilla wrote:
Let me think what would I lose by moving back to my parents, apart from job opportunities.
- I Don't have a girlfriend to lose.
- Not many friends come to my home. Certainly not hot girls so I wouldn't be losing parties or sex, I already don't have them.
job opportunities is huge man.
i've had sex with ugly, average, and hot girls. the difference isn't as big as you might have thought when you were very inexperienced with women. take home an average girl.
i can even provide you a numerical measurement of the difference between a hot girl and an average girl when it comes to sex. the difference isn't that big.
live alone. its awesome.
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My biggest problem is if I want to be alone, everyone is "lost". I am very independent but yet my "appearance" plays a very biggest role for everyone else but me.
Similar like Toni Kroos in football (one of the world best midfielder), not noticeable if he plays but very noticeable if doesn't play.
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(Coming from a culture where it is very normal to leave the nest and build up a home/family on your own, I might be biased. But to me, living with your parents sounds like the easy way out.
- Instead of waking up afternoon in an empty house, my mom wakes me when breakfast is ready.
Yeah, sounds great. But how does your mom feel about preparing breakfast for her 29 year old son who's still in bed?
- I wouldn't have to take care of every little problem on my own. Shower runs low and I have to fight with landlord to get it fixed... Seriously, maintaining and improving a house all by myself is really draining when things go wrong.
This really sounds like "When there's a problem, I'm hoping that my parents will fix it. Because it's really draining."
- I have a brother 15 years younger than me, I could tutor him. He wouldn't grow up alone like me. If he decides to become an engineer or a scientist I can jumpstart him.
Jumpstart him to also live with his parents at 29? Trust me, you'll make a far better example if you live on your own, showing him how to deal with life's challenges.
And don't even mention girls in this context. Living with your parents at 29 is a major turn-off.
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I can understand your situation, I may be facing the same issue rather sooner than later, and where I live you are pretty much expected to leave home at my age.
I also don't have anyone visiting, friends or girls, I've been alone for the first time recently and it didn't change anything opportunities wise.
The money is a huge factor, rant free, food free, is a bliss.
But I'll have to care of my sick parents in exchange.
I would advise you to leave alone though, maybe not too far from your parents if you want to help them in an easier fashion, but living on your own is great, leads to more opportunities, and also you'll have to eventually do it (unless you get a partner and move in directly with them of course).
You could try living with some housemate, they can help fixing stuff, (lots of issues could arise though, but it's a first intermediate step between 'parents' and 'alone').
I totally get your issues maintaining a house, I have a landlord myself these days, and I don't know how you fix a house by yourself.
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TLADT24920 Posts
I don't personally believe there is anything wrong with your current thoughts and don't see any issues with staying at your parents provided you help them out as they get older. Part of it is tradition and part of it is that being around family is great. You can always expand your social circle while there and if you find the remote job you are looking for, it's even better. My advice is to keep things as is and only move if you have to for a job, marriage etc...
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I think fool makes good points. Your point about your brother is different, but your other "parent advantages" amount to "life is easier when I can freeloaded and still have my parents take care of me".
That's not inherently wrong, but I'm not sure if you've considered the impacts It's worth trying to figure out how your parents will really feel, not what they say (vast majority of parents will say we want what's best for you, do what you like, etc.). With the attitude you seem to have it sounds like you'd basically be at your parents place draining resources: free rent, free meals, not really helping around the house, etc. Especially given your post about fixing things, it sounds like you more or less expecting parents to take care of the upkeep of the home while you get a free ride.
Yes, that's certainly easier. However, is it fair to your parents? Is it what your parents want for themselves? Is it what you want for yourself? I know many people don't feel all that great about essentially free loading and having everything done for them. Especially so when they have the ability to do these things on their own. It can make you feel unempowered and dependent, which is generally not great for esteem and long term satisfaction/happiness. Perhaps this is not an issue for you, but if you haven't considered it, I would.
- The other big question of course is the social implications. Like many people that would be on a gaming website, it sounds like your social skills and confidence are somewhere between weak and low-average, and that you more or less have no social circle. At best you have a couple of acquaintances with whom you might get together a couple times a month.
The way you said "mom ways me up with breakfast, instead of in an empty house" jumps out at me. Again, could be wrong but the fact you included that "empty house" bit suggests you're not particularly thrilled about your small social circle and possibly your dating life as well.
If you choose the home route these will HUGELY suffer. You're not a natural social butterfly clearly, and I doubt your social confidence is off the charts. This means going out and meeting people is rare, and something you either have to force yourself to do, or be part of a group that says "yo dude, we are getting out lets go!". At home, you won't have this, and you'll easily be able to retreat to talking to your parents. You might think you will, but you're kidding yourself if you think you're going to go out and make friends in this situation. Your already minimal social life is going to completely disappear. Is that really something you want and think is worth it in exchange for parents helping you to free load?
A more honest list of negatives would be:
- Putting moderate to large drain on parents expecting them to take care of me
- Significant impact of reduced job opportunities
- Self esteem risks from being a free loader
- Ensuring my social circle and friends situation is utterly destroyed
- Significantly limiting my dating opportunities and attractiveness (living at home is NOT good, with possible exception of you're very hot guy that just wants some one night stands))
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I share some of the same thoughts, I see no point in moving out of my parents place as I have no job/gf/college to spend time on. It's also incredibly costly to live alone, let alone on temporary welfare, but hey. That's just me.
Good luck to whatever you choose to do man.
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On July 27 2018 05:03 Jan1997 wrote:
I share some of the same thoughts, I see no point in moving out of my parents place as I have no job/gf/college to spend time on. It's also incredibly costly to live alone, let alone on temporary welfare, but hey. That's just me.
Good luck to whatever you choose to do man.
You have no job and aren't going to school? What, exactly, are you doing to advance your earning potential and/or just to make money?
Not meant as an attack, but I'm not sure how you're making ends meet without an income stream. Or do your parents just pay for everything: rent, food, gas, car, insurance, etc.?
Either way, I think the same list of negatives I made for OP would also apply to you. Still might be worth it, but I believe the negatives are significant.
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On July 27 2018 05:00 L_Master wrote:I think fool makes good points. Your point about your brother is different, but your other "parent advantages" amount to "life is easier when I can freeloaded and still have my parents take care of me". That's not inherently wrong, but I'm not sure if you've considered the impacts It's worth trying to figure out how your parents will really feel, not what they say (vast majority of parents will say we want what's best for you, do what you like, etc.). With the attitude you seem to have it sounds like you'd basically be at your parents place draining resources: free rent, free meals, not really helping around the house, etc. Especially given your post about fixing things, it sounds like you more or less expecting parents to take care of the upkeep of the home while you get a free ride. Yes, that's certainly easier. However, is it fair to your parents? Is it what your parents want for themselves? Is it what you want for yourself? I know many people don't feel all that great about essentially free loading and having everything done for them. Especially so when they have the ability to do these things on their own. It can make you feel unempowered and dependent, which is generally not great for esteem and long term satisfaction/happiness. Perhaps this is not an issue for you, but if you haven't considered it, I would. - The other big question of course is the social implications. Like many people that would be on a gaming website, it sounds like your social skills and confidence are somewhere between weak and low-average, and that you more or less have no social circle. At best you have a couple of acquaintances with whom you might get together a couple times a month. The way you said "mom ways me up with breakfast, instead of in an empty house" jumps out at me. Again, could be wrong but the fact you included that "empty house" bit suggests you're not particularly thrilled about your small social circle and possibly your dating life as well. If you choose the home route these will HUGELY suffer. You're not a natural social butterfly clearly, and I doubt your social confidence is off the charts. This means going out and meeting people is rare, and something you either have to force yourself to do, or be part of a group that says "yo dude, we are getting out lets go!". At home, you won't have this, and you'll easily be able to retreat to talking to your parents. You might think you will, but you're kidding yourself if you think you're going to go out and make friends in this situation. Your already minimal social life is going to completely disappear. Is that really something you want and think is worth it in exchange for parents helping you to free load? A more honest list of negatives would be: - Putting moderate to large drain on parents expecting them to take care of me
- Significant impact of reduced job opportunities
- Self esteem risks from being a free loader
- Ensuring my social circle and friends situation is utterly destroyed
- Significantly limiting my dating opportunities and attractiveness (living at home is NOT good, with possible exception of you're very hot guy that just wants some one night stands))
+1 for eloquence 
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Nothing wrong with living with your parents if your situation is dependent upon it, especially if you just need a temporary helping hand. Main question would be what's your goal? Even if you make enough money, it's not a bad idea to live with your parents.
We've done spent ~90% of time with our parents once we leave after high school, as kids we've took most of our time with our parents for granted. Now that you're older, you can cherish that time more now that you're more wise (hopefully), knowing that your parents will perish before you. Keeping in mind, that when they perish, you'll be okay since you've done the best that you can to spend some quality time with them.
Your friends will still be your friends if you live with your parents, they will understand that for your circumstance, that is the best decision. Sometimes your circumstance is a result of chance or luck, and chance or luck can happen upon anyone. So your situation could've been in anyone's shoes. Whatever situation you're in, is not your fault as long as you've done your best.
If you lose potential friends/girlfriends opportunities from them knowing that you live with your parents, then you've saved yourself a lot of time and effort, because if they look down upon you because you live with your parents, then they aren't worthy to be your friend anyways since they do not understand that your situation may be out of your control, and that fortune could've just as easily fallen on them or anyone else.
But you can be happy living anywhere in the world wherever you choose, change of place isn't a change of mind. If you want to be happier, be content with your fate, be content with wherever you are. Your desires are the main cause for unhappiness.
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It really depends on what you want, and why you want to stay in your parent's place I would say. Do you enjoy living with your parents? Do you want to spend more time with them? Does it align with your goals in life? Are you satisfied with the jobs available near your parent's place? I personally live alone, because I prefer being alone and not having anyone bother me.
This is really a personal circumstance that only you can answer for yourself. While most western countries look upon 20+ year old living with their parents, just live how you want to live. You have your own circumstances and your own preferences, so you have to choose what your priority is.
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Spend some time home and make them happy. I was away 4-5 months since i was 12 and fully gone for past 4 years. You'll eventually get to move away entirely so just take care of them during the time you got, maybe prepare your mother a breakfast tomorrow for starters.
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First of all thanks for the answers and various points you have provided. I'm typing on my phone so quoting and such will be a pain but I'll try.
Are you happy with having no girlfriend, not much social life going on? Do you imagine yourself in 10 years with a family, or alone in some thailand beach outside working from your computer?
I don't want this to turn into a dating thread, but no, I'm not happy. Getting a girlfriend is considerably harder here than in the west. You have to have a relation with the girl to ask her out, like, be a coworker, friend of a friend etc. Or else she can't trust you. By trust, 95 percent of the girls here don't go out just to have a good time. They need to know that you are, how can I explain it, not just wanting to have a good time. For that they need to know you by some social extension.
It's very hard to meet with a girl at a social event, or a social place. A girl would be there %90 of the time with her boyfriend. Remaining %10 of the time she would be surrounded by her friends. But the biggest reason it's hard is, you have to have a reason to talk, just being interested in her is not enough and you will quickly get rejected. Majority of the couples meet at university. Remaining are co-workers, friend of a friend, or meet thru family efforts. Like your mom has a friend who has a daughter.
Talked a bit long about girlfriend situation because if I had one who I can get serious with, I'd be planning towards it instead of thinking about moving back.
Family of Thailand beach? Either would be fine with me in 10 years. Only promise I made to myself is that I won't marry just not to be alone. It's better to get old alone than to have an average marriage.
I want to answer various points regarding freeloading. I am living alone for about 4 years. I bought every furniture a house needs myself, rented two different houses and a furniture storage. I have done paint job, after construction cleaning, getting my money basically stolen by landlords (thru a weird rental agreement), looking for months for a new house to rent while working my day job... I know how to deal with those things. But I'm getting nowhere just splashing in water trying not to drown.
My parents ask me to move in with them all the time and I know they would be happy if I do, there is no doubt regarding that. I always turn them down making up some unconvincing reasons why I can't, they think I have a fulfilling life going on so don't want to live with them. Last time I turned them down they nearly cried.
My original question again, what may I lose, that I fail to see now, by moving in with my parents? First obvious thing is job quality and quantity. Second is, I may lose the chance to become anything better than an average programmer with an average salary, since most software companies in my parents city only work on simple projects. But second point is too theoretical I think, since you can't guess what opportunity may arise when.
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Ahh we are reaching interesting lands :
Family of Thailand beach? Either would be fine with me in 10 years.
It sounds like you're just coasting though life as it comes, and you said you're not happy like that. Maybe you have work goals, or hobbies goals, or something you want to steer towards? I have trouble conceiving you could be fine with two completely opposite outcomes to your life.
Maybe I didn't ask properly. If you met a girl tomorrow, how would you sell your personality to her? What projects would you tell her about that say "I'm going in this direction, no matter if you're with me or not"? I think that giving to a girl the message "if I latch onto you it'll give my life some direction and things to do" is a big set back.
Only promise I made to myself is that I won't marry just not to be alone. It's better to get old alone than to have an average marriage
Well not only can your opinion on this change as regrets/time go by, first you've gotta meet girls right? As you can't meet girls straight on, you have to rely on your social circles to reach more people, a problem not related to living with your parents IMO.
I can't relate your happiness issues with living or not with your parents, but more with a lack of goal, and social life being difficult. I can say from experience that the environment you live in matters a lot to make yourself better.
When living with your parents it's very easy to not make any social efforts and wake up - work - come home everyday, while living on your own and not talking to anyone might at some point disgust you enough into making some social efforts.
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If you aren't happy currently, you won't be happy with a girlfriend, trust me on this one. Happiness is just contentment, which is being okay with whatever situation you're already in without desiring anymore. If anything else comes along your way, take it if the opportunities allows, if not, then let it go. You are happy either way so it doesn't matter. If you do take it, you also need to be aware that she can leave you at any moment, just like the way she came into your life. When she does leave you, you're okay with that too, because you are content by yourself.
What most people define happiness, is a rush of positive emotion. That isn't happiness, that's an endorphin rush. Most people confuse that with what happiness actually is:contentment. What ends up happening is that they keep seeking more and more of that endorphin rush. What was originally enough, is not anymore, and they need more and more. It's a form of greed, that can't be satisfied, it's like trying to feed a hungry man with tapeworms, no matter how much you feed him, he'll always be hungry; instead, you must treat the tapeworm first itself. When you seek the "happiness" that modern day society defines, you become like a drug addict, seeking the next endorphin rush.
Sure having a new girlfriend in your life can bring on that endorphin rush or "happiness" for maybe a few month to a year, but what will happen after? Will you live happy ever after like in movies? I think not. Just think about the last time you thought to yourself, "Man I'd be so happy if I can get this/that" or "I'd be so happy after achieving this or that", now let's say you have achieved it, where are you now? You're now taking what you've achieved in the past for granted and now seeking to get the next thing that you think will bring you pleasure.
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If you live alone, you can jerk off whenever and wherever you want. I think that pretty much settles it!
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Get out and live your life. It’s no supposed to be easy but you’re not going to grow as a person living in the comfort zone of your family home.
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