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Who to confess to?
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Jockmcplop
United Kingdom9547 Posts
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Djzapz
Canada10681 Posts
Good luck getting out of that predicament and take care of yourself... and others. I don't mean to sound cold but I can't help to feel bad for your gf. Won't give you advice, you've probably seen it all. GL | ||
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_-NoMaN-_
Canada250 Posts
if there's one thing i can tell you, it's this: ASK FOR HELP. this can be the hardest thing, especially when you feel so guilty that you don't think you deserve it. tell your girlfriend everything. you need to allow the people that love you to be there for you. they can't help you if you lie to them. BE HONEST. you need to forgive yourself; you may feel you do not deserve forgiveness, but FUCK THAT SHIT. you don't have a choice. you owe it to her and to yourself to trust her; let her teach you to trust yourself. it will get worse before it gets better, you need to break down before you can transform yourself. don't think about it, don't rationalize, your intelligence cannot help you. only love can save you now, but you must let it do so. you cannot escape the suffering, so face it. it will hurt real bad, it's a terrifying thing. that is good. if you refuse to suffer, you will never be able to love. if you run from your fear, you will never have courage. so let them in. you must surrender, yet never give up. you have more strength than you can ever know. you must reach beyond knowledge and cleave to faith; not in god but in yourself. trust in life, trust in love; they are yours if you would but reach for them. you may think i'm full of shit; if so, you're wrong. you reached out for love just now (though you may not have known it) and so i say to you: i love you. i believe in you. i forgive you. feel free to PM me if you want to talk or anything. PS don't you dare go and commit suicide. DO NOT FUCKING DO IT. no matter how much you think you are hurting the people around you, the worst thing you can do is end your life. take it from me, my brother killed himself 2 months ago. my life will never be the same. the grief and the the guilt nearly destroyed me; only the love and support of the people around me were able to save me. DO NOT FUCKING DO IT | ||
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Nemesis
Canada2568 Posts
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
I think we're very lucky to be alive. To live in as great a place as we do. But I can't lie that you have fucked up. My rule is to always do the honest thing but I've definitely delayed showing a few report cards before. It's tough. You've definitely got to: Stop with the drug use. That shit's expensive and it messes with your head. More than alcohol or coffee, I hear weed makes you not care about doing anything. Alcohol lets you forget but it's just there the next day. Your problems don't leave, they just come back and you have one less day to deal with them. Really push yourself for the job. It won't be glamorous but you need something to pay this back. Finally, I think you need to come clean with your girlfriend and hope that she accepts you. The hole you've dug is deep and aside from borrowing money from a good friend or parent, there's no way you can cover 10k. I always assumed anyone with a decent enough IQ would know not to gamble due to expected values. I was wrong. But this is just a small fuck up for you. In the grand scheme of things this would be a road bump. As small as the Earth is compared to the Sun. Personally I find the hatred of hookers illogical. As long as a man is shown to be devoted, there's no reason that women should feel like their husband isn't doing all he can to care for them. But doing it without her consent usually enrages people. I'd come clean about that too to get it off your conscience, but maybe it'll start to vanish in a few months anyways. I know I'm not shouldering any of the responsibility for the consequences of what you do next. It's easy for me to say "be honest, do the right thing, don't do drugs! stay in school!" But you understand the situation best. You know your girlfriend best. Fuckups are a part of life. They don't mean you've failed at life. What does that even mean? "Failed at life" | ||
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Gamegene
United States8308 Posts
I know almost nothing about the UK, but in the US there's lots of free services for addicts to find low or no cost professional help, and peer groups who'll understand what you're going through; I would imagine that there are things like that there no? You seem very self conscious, and that can be good and bad... Clearly you are aware that you're fucking yourself and your girlfriend (by extension) over right now, so use that realization and force yourself to do the right things. Starting with telling your girlfriend and your family what's going on right now. Your girlfriend because shit man would you want to be in her shoes and go on not knowing? I'm pretty sure she knows that SOMETHING is up. Your family (and any friend that you can trust) because you need support. | ||
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Gamegene
United States8308 Posts
Everyday is where it starts, and wherever you are you can start right now regardless of where you're at... | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On November 26 2014 13:11 Gamegene wrote: I mean this very sincerely: get help. I know almost nothing about the UK, but in the US there's lots of free services for addicts to find low or no cost professional help, and peer groups who'll understand what you're going through; I would imagine that there are things like that there no? You seem very self conscious, and that can be good and bad... Clearly you are aware that you're fucking yourself and your girlfriend (by extension) over right now, so use that realization and force yourself to do the right things. Starting with telling your girlfriend and your family what's going on right now. Your girlfriend because shit man would you want to be in her shoes and go on not knowing? I'm pretty sure she knows that SOMETHING is up. Your family (and any friend that you can trust) because you need support. That too, great advice to get help from a professional or a group. | ||
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Jockmcplop
United Kingdom9547 Posts
I don't think i really posted this for advice though. If anything i just want people to understand. If someone reads this and maybe decides not to make that choice to fuck their future life then i have succeeded. If someone reads this and stops for a second before they judge a passing homeless person, great. If someone meets someone who they think is a terrible, terrible person and it recalls this post, maybe it will make them think twice, wonder about the circumstances that can turn someone into that. In psychology, they call it 'cognitive dissonance'. I grew up believing certain things. My parents instilled a strict moral code in me. To 'wake up' after years of breaking that code, to have that self awareness, is heartbreaking. I am unable to live by my own morals. Are we really that elastic that we can bend to the slightest of our own whims? I am a bad person. By my own standards, i'm bad, i will lie, steal from, and betray the people who love me the most just for a moment of satisfaction now . The awareness that i will do this, and the awareness that it is morally horrific, do nothing to stop me behaving in this way. Stand up and do something about it! I wish I would, but i won't. I feel like i'm caught up in forces i can't get my head around. My actions are my own, I have control over them, and yet somehow i do things that i feel like i should never choose to do. The worst bit of this is (and again, i'm writing this hopefully for the benefit of people who experience this) seeing all my friends, family and the people i love, just getting on with life as if its easy. Sure, they have bad times, but they have coping mechanisms to deal with that. I just don't. The thought of spending another day of my life at work is so oppressive that i have deliberately engineered this situation to avoid it. I would rather hit rock bottom and then commit suicide than spend one more fucking day pretending that a normal every existence is ok for me. I don't want riches or fame, i just want to be left the fuck alone. I started seeing a psychotherapist a couple of months ago. She seemed kind of taken aback at my awareness of my psychological situation, and made it very clear she didn't really know what to do to help me. How do you help someone who seems unable to even put the slightest effort into helping themselves? I honestly don't know if this is a cry for help, a suicide note, or just some drunken rambling. I feel like my life is a past tense, a thing that happened, and all that's left is a moral and spiritual wasteland: full of knowledge without really knowing anything at all. I remember someone posting a blog here not long ago, about depression and lack of motivation. I would say to that person, nip it in the bud. Don't let it get so bad that psychologically you have no way out. Cheers TL | ||
Carnivorous Sheep
Baa?21242 Posts
Good luck. | ||
CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
A) If you constantly refer to yourself as an addict, you will construct your identity around addiction. This will become your greatest obstacle towards getting back on a better path. Most people relapse into destructive behavior because they don't reorient themselves in relation to their new behavior ("I can't help it, it's just who I am"). B) You didn't decide to post when you took out the loan. You didn't decide to post when you threw away the money. You decided to post after the lack of feeling you felt after the hooker incident. Understand why this particular event triggered your decision instead of reiterating how you suck and blah blah blah. Instead of proactivity, you are falling into excuses as to why you can't change. You are looking for excuses to not change. For what it's worth, I don't think you're suffering from cognitive dissonance. The typical manifestations are missing. | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
Most people hate work. | ||
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FFGenerations
7088 Posts
all it takes is that you do something different then you become something different the only way is a clean slate do what it takes to make that happen wipe your computer delete friends never ever ever even think of looking back or doing something you done yesterday because you have dopamine problem and can't stop yourself its a lifelong condition and you can't fight it, you can only avoid it pick something new and become it | ||
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_-NoMaN-_
Canada250 Posts
On November 26 2014 13:44 Jockmcplop wrote: I honestly don't know if this is a cry for help, a suicide note, or just some drunken rambling. I feel like my life is a past tense, a thing that happened, and all that's left is a moral and spiritual wasteland: full of knowledge without really knowing anything at all. This is exactly the way i felt right up until i found my brother in his room with a plastic bag over his head. at that moment i realized how selfish i had been. i thought i had given up on myself, when in reality i had given up on the person that needed me the most. do not live for you yourself; live for the ones who need you. that is the only way. it's never too late. the most important thing is to realize that to strive to BECOME happy is futile; the key is to just BE happy. examine each moment; find the crux when the choice between happiness and horror is at hand, and FIGHT. there is ALWAYS a choice; you can be a good person regardless of how you feel about yourself. your past is not your future unless you make it so. I know how it feels to live as if i were dead already. i also know that there is a new life that is possible; i am living there now. it is not easy; it never will be. but it is worth it. you are at the precipice. on one side lies the horror of death, on the other, the horror of life. CHOOSE LIFE. what do you have to lose? the death choice is guaranteed misery. the life choice has at least the chance of redemption. so cut the shit and take the leap. the worst sin is not failure; it is to not even try. | ||
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CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
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_-NoMaN-_
Canada250 Posts
On November 26 2014 14:26 CosmicSpiral wrote: Noman, stop making this about yourself. >_< i'm only trying to help. this is important to me. i apologize if i'm out of line. | ||
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Heat_023
Canada160 Posts
Call a suicide hotline if you don't see any way out. Why ? Because from reading both your posts it seems like you haven't seeked help enough considering the gravity of your situation. Everybody told you that you were smart and destined for great things, and maybe you've accepted this as a mission thinking that you're alone and sufficient to yourself. No human is sufficient to himself, everybody needs help, it's a big teamwork, so to speak, and you owe it to you and to your team to take care of yourself, and some extra care needs to come from the outside. Your girlfriend helps you a lot, but she lacks critical information. Come on man, teamwork. gl | ||
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FFGenerations
7088 Posts
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Scarecrow
Korea (South)9172 Posts
On November 26 2014 15:05 FFGenerations wrote: no he is just born with fucked up dopamine/addiction personality disorder that's a cop out. You're only born with it in the sense you're born liking sugar and it's hardly a disorder when everyone's susceptible. The problem is the habitual avoidance of responsibility whilst maximising short-term pleasure. Hopefully the consequences kick you in the ass so hard you (eventually) start making better decisions. | ||
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cheesfactory
United States15 Posts
That said, while it is crushing to think about how that might feel, I sincerely hope that somehow you manage to live to a point where you are really okay. I hope you manage to get through the terrible feelings for that long, however long it may be. I know you said you weren't asking for advice, and I probably don't have anything to add to it anyway, but I just want to say that you do matter. Your well-being IS important, and if you think it is somehow "enough" for you to help someone make a better decision in life through reading what you've said then I just cannot agree with that. If you are ever to a point where you could be asked, "How are you doing?" and honestly respond that you are okay, then that would be enough. I really really hope that you get there. I in no way mean to say, or believe, that I can understand everything you feel or experience. I do believe that it is possible for you to get through it though. I believe in your ability to get there, whether or not I know anything about you. I believe in you, whether you feel willing or even capable of putting any effort into helping yourself or those around you. | ||
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RenSC2
United States1050 Posts
You know you're in a hole, so quit making the hole worse. Quit trying to rationalize your next shovelful. Are you going to keep digging until you hit rock bottom and can't dig any further? Or are you going to make this the bottom by stopping your digging? That's your choice. | ||
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_fool
Netherlands675 Posts
On November 26 2014 16:26 RenSC2 wrote: "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging." You know you're in a hole, so quit making the hole worse. Quit trying to rationalize your next shovelful. Are you going to keep digging until you hit rock bottom and can't dig any further? Or are you going to make this the bottom by stopping your digging? That's your choice. I'd say he's pretty much there already. I feel bad for your gf. At least be honest with her. | ||
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Gamegene
United States8308 Posts
maybe you can relate to this. cause i can't relate to either of you when it comes to addiction. | ||
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jakethesnake
Canada4948 Posts
And get help. No life is beyond redemption no matter what you have done, but you'll never be able to do it alone. Get real professional help and don't just ask your friends what you should do. Get real help from people who are trained to do this. | ||
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docvoc
United States5491 Posts
First thing you do is be honest with her. The next thing you do is you tell her you need to get your shit together. I don't know if they have a thing like bankruptcy where you live, but outside of getting a free legal consultation, that might be your next option. After you have told her everything, and I mean everything, you be prepared for her to break up with you because you are a shitty person for the stuff you've done. Go to treatment after that, free treatment and counseling at things like gambling anon at churches if you have no other options. You get back on your feet after that, you get a job and you beg for her back for months. You never return to that side of yourself, ever. | ||
BisuDagger
Bisutopia19223 Posts
On November 26 2014 12:55 obesechicken13 wrote: The amount of debt you have is nothing compared to what the average american graduating from a private school or expensive public school has after graduation. What kind of propaganda have you got yourself into? I went to a private school because the education was excellent. I have student loans, but my education allows me to work at a high paying job and not live in poverty. As for the OP, I can't lend to much advice. The best option is to go to rehab for gambling addiction and tell your gf and family everything. Sometimes being completely open and honest is the best way to restore your health and mind. | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On November 27 2014 03:39 BisuDagger wrote: What kind of propaganda have you got yourself into? I went to a private school because the education was excellent. I have student loans, but my education allows me to work at a high paying job and not live in poverty. As for the OP, I can't lend to much advice. The best option is to go to rehab for gambling addiction and tell your gf and family everything. Sometimes being completely open and honest is the best way to restore your health and mind. The propaganda of living there and applying to schools and looking at tuition rates? Fuck, even a 10k tuition grows to larger loan sizes than what OP has. I have one. Or if you want facts I can look up average student debt upon graduation at a 4 year college/un in the states. | ||
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MarlieChurphy
United States2063 Posts
As I said before, addiction is sort of a general disease. There isn't any one thing that people need until the dependency kicks in, and addicts will often bounce around from different vices until they find their 'drug of choice' but will just as easily substitute that for something else when they can't get their drug of choice. In your case, you have primarily a gambling addiction, with a history of drug use. Since you aren't doing drugs or gambling it manifests into a sexual addiction, which is buying hookers and shit. This is very common. As for your gf, she is quite classically a co-dependent. She needs to get into some treatment herself, (alanon is a good place for her to start) if she wants to help herself help you. She's enabling you big time, and you know that of course. Go to any meeting in your area and ask for some help (NA, MA, GA, SA, AA etc). If you can't find one in your area (hard to believe) just find a good medical program, go to a clinic or something and explain the same things you explained here to an addiction medicine specialist. If you want to understand this better, an easy place to start is here http://www.reddit.com/r/DrDrew/comments/20xqe8/i_timestamp_all_profound_things_from_drews/ ctrl+f to addict, drug, disease, trauma, recovery, treatment, etc and go listen to all the relevant timestamps. However, know that just understanding the disease and your condition isn't enough. You NEED to get into treatment or it will only get worse. Some people claim to kick their vices without a program, most of them are so-called 'white knucklers' which is essentially not treating their underlying isses and disease and trying to manage the depression, irritiability, anxiety, etc that comes with the lack of proper treatment when battling this disease. The way people heal and manage this kind of disease is through human interaction (among other things). You will find people with similar life stories as you that you can relate with and learn what works and what doesn't work with managing your impulses and urges etc. It takes work, and you have to really want it for it to work. It's fairly common for people to relapse (even a couple of times), but ultimately they can recover and know how to deal and manage those things. 1- find a group and medical professional. 2- get a sponsor. 3- work the steps. PS- As far as your therapist, she's not doing a good job, or simply doesn't know how/wasn't trained in how to treat you. I would suggest asking her for a recommendation for a therapist who has experience with addicts. Therapy shouldn't be fun, it should suck. | ||
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CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
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MarlieChurphy
United States2063 Posts
On November 27 2014 05:39 CosmicSpiral wrote: Murphy, he should take your advice with a HEAVY grain of salt. And why is that? | ||
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Bunn
Estonia934 Posts
and do some self-reflection to see, if you really need those things in your life. maybe you'll get control of your life back, or at least focus your energy on more meaningful things. at the moment you're hiding away from your problems and you keep piling them all up, until it reaches a tipping point, where it all gets out of hand. when that happens, you'll just fall into a deep state of compulsive lying, depression, anxiety visit a psychologist with your problems ( be completely honest ), talk to your girlfriend about it. You can't face it all alone - it's a lot easier to share your burden with close ones, or talk with a doctor, than try to fix it all by yourself. The state you're in right now, won't allow you to see the bigger, clearer picture and your mind is tunnel visioning. Get help ASAP! | ||
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nunez
Norway4003 Posts
On November 26 2014 12:55 obesechicken13 wrote: You've definitely got to: Stop with the drug use. That shit's expensive and it messes with your head. More than alcohol or coffee, I hear weed makes you not care about doing anything. Alcohol lets you forget but it's just there the next day. Your problems don't leave, they just come back and you have one less day to deal with them. come on bro, don't let someone else talk out of your ass. not caring about doing anything is there to begin with. when you feel like stuff is pointless any drug (or any other avenue of escape) is gonna be delicious, and be abused. that is your nature. @jock should heavily reduce the weed until you are more in control. if something isn't gonna work, then make an effort to get a clean break fast. reduce your life to a manageable number of variables. focus on short term goals. try lsd. good luck! | ||
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weikor
Austria580 Posts
Honestlly, with things like this its Quit or Fail. Theres no slowly easing off addictions. You either get it together or dont. It doesnt matter how old you are, this is the youngest you will be in your life. Its time to make a choice. oh and you need to tell your Gf, youre ruining her life as well. Even if she might leave her if you tell her - its the only fair thing to do. | ||
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ETisME
12349 Posts
It's only going to get worse as you get older. Work is not always boring, out there we have millions of different jobs types in different industry, you cannot summarize it with it being boring. You haven't give up yourself, you are just too afraid to lose what you have remaining now. If you want to set as an example then set one that is meaningful, do it for the rest who are struggling. | ||
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Aveng3r
United States2411 Posts
Beyond that I got nothin. Gl. | ||
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brickrd
United States4894 Posts
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MarlieChurphy
United States2063 Posts
On November 27 2014 11:55 brickrd wrote: you seem like a megalomaniac tbh When people are deep in the throes of addictions, they exude all kinds of symptoms and conditions. I know at least 2 people personally that have been diagnosed with serious mental conditions just because of their psychosis from their addictions. | ||
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brickrd
United States4894 Posts
On November 27 2014 12:10 MarlieChurphy wrote: When people are deep in the throes of addictions, they exude all kinds of symptoms and conditions. I know at least 2 people personally that have been diagnosed with serious mental conditions just because of their psychosis from their addictions. i am a recovered addict, i understand that psychological symptoms come with addiction but it doesn't absolve you of responsibility for your own care | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States44101 Posts
Quit the drinking and drugs and gambling. Find a support group or meeting that you can attend with people who have been in your situation before. They can give you more guidance than people who have never met you and haven't lived through your experiences before. Do it for yourself, and more importantly, do it for the girl who loves you and is currently throwing away her life to put up with you. Work hard, get the money back, make yourself and her proud. Your case is a prime example of how high IQ doesn't really equate to high intelligence (or at least, common sense). Get through this and turn your life around; don't waste your potential. I repeat: Get your shit together. Best of luck <3 | ||
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Kazahk
United States385 Posts
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parkufarku
882 Posts
If you are in a habit, it's always difficult to break out of it. Maybe you started this blog to get some reassurance on what you are doing isn't so bad, so that you can tell yourself to keep doing it for "just a little bit longer" Don't do that. I know we are strangers here but seriously take our advice, quit smoking, go out there and get a job. You don't have to come clean to your gf right now, but at least set yourself straight. Quit smoking and get a job, that's all you have to do right now. Now stop reading this blog and go do it. P.S. I've also had a hooker thing long time ago and failed to come just like you. That was one of the low points of my life. But I've set myself straight. You KNOW you're going to feel guilty if you don't set yourself straight, so why delay it? | ||
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legaka
3 Posts
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