Diablo 2 Lord Of Destruction Battle Report 8

After many a day at sea with Meshif the pirate, Emilio and I were growing tired of his antics. His wildly unbelievable stories of slaying giant quill rats and zombies were growing on our nerves. Everybody knows that zombies don’t exist! Eventually I had had enough. I told Meshif I’d mutiny if he didn’t pull into dock soon, but he didn’t flinch. I’m sure he was used to people threatening him after boring them with his lies for days. It wasn’t until I said that Emilio would mutiny too that Meshif panicked and brought us into dock. Emilio and I disembarked and Meshif was just lucky that Emilio didn’t act according to his own actions.


“This isn’t the Kurast they advertised in the brochures!”

Emilio and I explored town a little bit, checking the shops for anything nice. The whole place was a dump, but somehow the weapons they had for sale suited Emilio better than his current setup. I moseyed on down to local drug dealer Hratli and bought Emilio a new power-stick to hit things with.



With Emilio taken care of, I decided to leave town to go for a walk. I said hello to Cain as we walked past him.

“How did Cain get here if he wasn’t on the ship with us?” I asked Emilio. He shrugged. Emilio didn’t usually say much, and when he did, it was always either, "Stop sacrificing me!" or "Help me!" Eventually you grow to tune it out like I have though.

When we left town though, we came across a stranger walking along the path nearby.

"Hello stranger!' I said, and started walking over to greet him. But Emilio stopped me from getting any closer. He told me that that man was dangerous. I looked a little closer at him and a text box magically appeared over his head.



I immediately berated Emilio for just assuming that the “dark wanderer” was dangerous. Racism these days! And from Emilio too! That man's feelings were sure to have been hurt. I walked over to apologize, but the man laughed in my face and spawned demons to kill me before disappearing. He didn’t even take my wallet! Luckily Emilio saved me and we continued on our journey through the jungle to find some stuff to make something to get past Trav. Hell I don’t know what I need. Who plays through act 3?

We found some jungle midgets on our way who were more than happy to shoot spitballs at us. Naturally Emilio took the appropriate form of action and sliced them down. Nobody spitballs us!


Midgets!

I noticed a rather unusual feature of these jungle midgets as we cut through them. Though they all looked the same, some of them were taller than the others AND BREATHED FIRE! I concluded that they must be dragons and had Emilio exterminate them. Naturally I had to be super careful around these dragons, for my lack of resistances rendered me incredibly weak to the elements. Emilio could be sacrificed and brought back to meet my needs. Unfortunately nobody in town would even think about reviving me, despite all the good I’ve done for the world. I spotted a dragon midget and quickly threw Emilio in there to Emilio it.


Here you see Emilio killing a dragon midget.

Upon it’s death, we found it to only be another midget standing atop the shoulders of another midget, which miraculously granted it the power of fire.

“That dragon disguise really fooled us, eh Emilio?” I said. Emilio sadly nodded. I could tell deep down that he was disappointed at the lack of dragons.

We followed up this short skirmish with continuing through the jungle. Along the way I found a shrine that I thought would probably come in handy.



Unfortunately I soon ran into a cave which negated the effectiveness of said shrine.



The name itself drew fear into my heart. Arachnid Lair. Only someone full of evil and hatred could have come up with a name so despicable.

“Wait a minute, do I need to be here?” I asked Emilio. Emilio tabbed out of the game and looked online for an answer.

“No,” he said.

“Good, I didn’t want to deal with spiders.”

Emilio pointed out to me where we actually had to go.



“Ah, yes...the Spider Cavern…”

Using my deduction skills, I had correctly put together that this dungeon would have spiders inside. Emilio concluded the same and couldn’t wait to squash some bugs. We quickly stumbled upon some poisonous spiders that Emilio was eager to stab.


Here you see Emilio poisoning some poison spiders.

I don’t know how these spiders managed to drop items when they died (why did that spider drop a broadsword???), but one of them dropped a jade figurine for Emilio and I to pick up. Emilio pointed out that we should start a trading sequence in town that will end with us getting a life potion for 20 health points. I wholeheartedly agreed and teepeed back to town.





Alkor finished this trading sequence chaos by giving us the potion of life (LSD). Unfortunately, the fun lasted only a moment as we ended back going through the spider cave and running into more bugs. Emilio was having a blast, but I knew that these spiders were not to be underestimated. Emilio had to pay the price for his having fun. We ended up running into an AMBUSH, and Emilio did not make it out alive. I barely escaped with my life and managed to get trapped in a corner before teepeeing out.



Notice the distinct lack of Emilio in this picture.

I went to the town gypsie, Asheara, to get her to do her voodoo magic stuff and revive Emilio for me. No clones from Greiz this time. This was the real deal! With Emilio back and ready for action, we stepped back through the portal into the spider cave and started kicking ass.



Here we slay the spider boss, Sszark The Burning, whom, despite his poisonous looks, is actually fire enchanted.

Since we had exterminated all the bugs from before, killing the spider boss wasn’t a challenge for brave Emilio and I. Emilio relished at getting revenge, and he sure gave that spider “the stabs.” No spiders dared mess with us after that, and we were clear to loot the sparkling chest.



“Who put an eye in here?”

To be continued.