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A few weeks ago I sat down to write a blog about IEM Singapore where I got eliminated 0-2 to Squirtle and 1-2 to Targa in the Open bracket on Day 1. When I tried to write about the trip and the day-to-day experiences it all seemed very dull. So instead I wrote this.
Defeat
Defeat isn't a sharp pain. Defeat isn't focused. Defeat isn't a slow and dreary pulling. Defeat isn't running isn't a hump in the road.
Defeat is a deafening thunder strike that rips us wholly from all that is dear. Defeat encompasses and obliterates all that we want and strive for. Defeat is all of our energy and efforts being balled up in front of our eyes and squeezed, smaller and smaller, to the size of a grain of sand, and then to disappear before our eyes. Defeat is when every fiber of our being is told it is worth nothing.
Defeat shakes us to our very core. In a flash we go from a fierce warrior holding the line, to a lone fisherman drowning at sea, alone and suddenly empty. It's incredible how quickly all of that hopeful energy and focus, all of our planned actions are suddenly for naught. Something about having so much of our energy count for nothing can't but scar deeply. To focus and devote ourselves to a cause, an effort or a battle, and then to lose. As we invested that part of ourselves to the battle, so was it ripped out when we were pronounced the loser.
As that driving part of our soul is ripped away before our eyes, the haze of pain is too great to see anything but a blur of pain. Even separated from that part, the echoes of its goals, its hopes, and its intentions wrack our mind. But as time passes the haze begins to clear, we can set our pain aside from us and slowly, ever so slowly, begin to embrace our new form. We examine the gaping hole inside us and shudder at the thought of missing so much of ourselves. As we look closer though, we realise that this hole is no cauterized wound, burnt and inhospitable. The skin is tender, cracked and dry, but it is not infertile. Vague wisps of grass poke through the surface, seeking their way, ever so slowly, into the crevice. We soon realise that the hole is not permanent. It will not stay hollow. As we test our step we realise we feel lighter, less encumbered and more free. We can walk in directions previously limited, and even leap in ways we didn't know existed. As we start down a new path, with the exuberance and joy of youth, so does the grass grow faster inside our wound, saplings begin to shoot upwards and transform into adult trees, bushes and undergrowth spread rapidly to fill anywhere that light can reach. Soon we are whole again. Healed, but also drastically changed. We would like to think we're stronger than before our defeat, but that isn't always the case. For now we just know we are different.
Defeat is what molds us. Defeat is the hottest forge-fire that molds the strongest steel. Defeat allows us to regroup. Defeat breaks the pig-iron blade we spent so long forging and forces us all the way back to the mines to find finer mettle. Our first blade is never a masterpiece. Neither is our hundredth. Only after many years and many lessons do we learn to craft something truly great.
The greatest champion is but the product of a thousand defeats.
 
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A fellow man who has made this earth-shattering realization.
It's something that everyone knows, but few understand it.
Very few people know what it's like to face defeat after truly giving your heart and soul to win. The feeling of just wanting to cry, and yet you don't cry. You compose yourself and prepare for the next battle. It's a very strange experience, and hard to put into words.
You've expressed defeat beautifully, thank-you.
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Incredibly well written and insightful, Jared. Thanks for sharing this.
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Australia Fighting!!! 
P.S if the whole progaming thing doesn't work out your writing skills should open up the world of self help, I hear there is big money in that.
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Fantastic
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Great blog, PiG. Do you write much outside of this?
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Very poeticly written, and sadly most of it is true. Defeat in any shape or form is quite a feeling in the stomach, I wish you the best !
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Hope you do better next event Pig. Keep practicing it will pay off!
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Wow you can write, great words Pig! Keep the attitude .
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are you quitting starcraft?
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On January 04 2014 20:59 StatixEx wrote:
are you quitting starcraft?
Did you actually read the blog or just the heading? "The greatest champion is but the product of a thousand defeats.", seems much more indicative of someone who knows that losing is hard, but if you keep on enduring, learning from your losses and working hard you will find success.
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On January 04 2014 18:53 Nithix wrote:Great blog, PiG. Do you write much outside of this?
Not much of late. I've always wanted to write fiction at one point in my life, and have seriously considered and even studied towards journalism and Academia (cultural theory/English).
I really love expressing myself through writing, it's the one medium I feel I can create nice things. Give me paint or pencil and I can only create the demented crayon scratchings of a madman. Give me a pen or a keyboard and I find myself writing out thoughts, feelings and expressions that I didn't even know were there. Especially when I'm struggling with emotional turmoil writing helps me sort out my feelings and ground myself. I didn't know what I was writing about with this blog, but once I wrote it, it helped me process my feeling of defeat and move forward.
Thanks to yourself and also everyone else for your positive responses.
@StatixEx no I'm not quitting! For me progaming in SC2 has always been a dream, and as I've improved It's felt like that dream was coming true, especially in 2012. Even though this year the conditions are harder nothing's changed about me loving the competition and community. I will continue to coach, stream and commentate on the side, but until at least until the end of this year improving and competing is still my 100% focus.
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Very inspiring and insightful!
I don't necessarily share all your thoughts about the subject, but it's really interesting to read something like this from someone who lives in the midst of it all. So, thank you for writing it. ^^
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Always cheering for you man.
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This really was a great read, first blog i have read of you. Definitely going to read more
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I don't want to be too depressing, but some people search deeper and deeper, and they never find a strong enough 'metal'. Life is not necessarily a fairy tale, sometimes people simply lose, and in spite of their best efforts to overcome, continue to lose to better opponents until they are too old to continue or are worn out.
So many people want to believe its all a matter of willpower, but I wonder whether that is based on anything besides wishful thinking? In any case I do wish you good luck and hope you win at least one competition before you can retire. Maybe then it will all be worth it; but if not it at least hardens your character and makes it harder for you to feel pain. I suppose that's a useful gain as well
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Nice blog. I think people process defeat differently though. For me, it's usually a soft lingering pain.
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On January 05 2014 06:26 radscorpion9 wrote:
I don't want to be too depressing, but some people search deeper and deeper, and they never find a strong enough 'metal'. Life is not necessarily a fairy tale, sometimes people simply lose, and in spite of their best efforts to overcome, continue to lose to better opponents until they are too old to continue or are worn out.
So many people want to believe its all a matter of willpower, but I wonder whether that is based on anything besides wishful thinking? In any case I do wish you good luck and hope you win at least one competition before you can retire. Maybe then it will all be worth it; but if not it at least hardens your character and makes it harder for you to feel pain. I suppose that's a useful gain as well
Success is definitely based on a hell of a lot more than wishful thinking. Just a few things would be raw hours practiced, lots of custom-game practice and conversation with other pros to recreate teamhouse learning experiences, eating healthy, exercising, balancing a healthy social life outside of progaming and many hundreds of ways to tweak focused practice and choose builds based on your own strengths. Even moving somewhere with stable internet and close to the hubs of eSports would be a big part of edging towards success.
The thing that people (myself included) complain about with eSports is there isn't enough infrastructure and reward for up-and-coming players and general consistent prize money, but all that just just means that there isn't really a professional system to compete with: even in Korea it's dwindling - kespa teams are folding and changing slowly. This opens up a lot of opportunity for those who are multi-skilled or motivated enough to try and imitate aspects of professional organisation on their own. Doing so takes a lot of positive energy and consistent effort, but I believe it means there are windows for those whom are motivated enough to be successful despite maybe not being smart or fast enough to be at the tip top of competition if it was a fully professional system. In other words, natural talent isn't as important as motivation/effort in the current system.
That all being said if progaming isn't the right decision for me at some point I would step down as a player, no doubt about it. I wouldn't stand there saying to myself, "It's ok man, YOU CAN DO IT!". I regularly assess my goals and status and I'm nowhere near giving up yet. If one day my hands are just too old to compete, or I have a long slump which I'm not coming out of, then I won't be writing blogs like this. This blog here embodies the process of owning and dealing with a huge amount of pain from a defeat, and also using the loss as impetus to work harder at my professionalism, and to tinker and improve my training schedule.
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And in defeat there is still victory, for you have identified your weaknesses and are willing to gather the strength to move on and improve yourself. You have written a very good piece of prose that I utterly enjoyed to read.
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On January 04 2014 23:01 PiGStarcraft wrote:Show nested quote +On January 04 2014 18:53 Nithix wrote:Great blog, PiG. Do you write much outside of this? Not much of late. I've always wanted to write fiction at one point in my life, and have seriously considered and even studied towards journalism and Academia (cultural theory/English). I really love expressing myself through writing, it's the one medium I feel I can create nice things. Give me paint or pencil and I can only create the demented crayon scratchings of a madman. Give me a pen or a keyboard and I find myself writing out thoughts, feelings and expressions that I didn't even know were there. Especially when I'm struggling with emotional turmoil writing helps me sort out my feelings and ground myself. I didn't know what I was writing about with this blog, but once I wrote it, it helped me process my feeling of defeat and move forward. Thanks to yourself and also everyone else for your positive responses. @StatixEx no I'm not quitting! For me progaming in SC2 has always been a dream, and as I've improved It's felt like that dream was coming true, especially in 2012. Even though this year the conditions are harder nothing's changed about me loving the competition and community. I will continue to coach, stream and commentate on the side, but until at least until the end of this year improving and competing is still my 100% focus.
thank god, i was watching this morning and had a worry that you had has some clairvoyant moment where you were reaching out and maybe considering retirement! I think the best tournament of last year was the one i saw you up in that booth on the main stage thinking . ."ive had coaching off that guy". Might have to book another session, got to dia since those v early days, but lost that placement ever since wol. Youre a player i look forward to watching and glad to have this confirmed.
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On January 07 2014 04:34 StatixEx wrote:Show nested quote +On January 04 2014 23:01 PiGStarcraft wrote:On January 04 2014 18:53 Nithix wrote:Great blog, PiG. Do you write much outside of this? Not much of late. I've always wanted to write fiction at one point in my life, and have seriously considered and even studied towards journalism and Academia (cultural theory/English). I really love expressing myself through writing, it's the one medium I feel I can create nice things. Give me paint or pencil and I can only create the demented crayon scratchings of a madman. Give me a pen or a keyboard and I find myself writing out thoughts, feelings and expressions that I didn't even know were there. Especially when I'm struggling with emotional turmoil writing helps me sort out my feelings and ground myself. I didn't know what I was writing about with this blog, but once I wrote it, it helped me process my feeling of defeat and move forward. Thanks to yourself and also everyone else for your positive responses. @StatixEx no I'm not quitting! For me progaming in SC2 has always been a dream, and as I've improved It's felt like that dream was coming true, especially in 2012. Even though this year the conditions are harder nothing's changed about me loving the competition and community. I will continue to coach, stream and commentate on the side, but until at least until the end of this year improving and competing is still my 100% focus. thank god, i was watching this morning and had a worry that you had has some clairvoyant moment where you were reaching out and maybe considering retirement! I think the best tournament of last year was the one i saw you up in that booth on the main stage thinking . ."ive had coaching off that guy". Might have to book another session, got to dia since those v early days, but lost that placement ever since wol. Youre a player i look forward to watching and glad to have this confirmed.
Thanks for the support man. yeah if you ever want to contact me for coaching just hit me up @pigrandom88@gmail.com, changed my email!
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EPT
