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Maybe today is just a bad day.
It's not a bad day. It's not a good day. Just a day. A day where I feel nothing. Numb. Not particularly excited for the future, and my past haunts me so there's no use reliving past memories. I don't enjoy free time anymore. I have nothing fun to do. Nobody to hang out with. Even if I did, I'd spend all day dreading leaving the sanctuary that is my apartment. Anxiety. It drives me, motivates me, but it demotivates me and sits me down just as fast. Unfocused. I tried to study today but nothing was sticking. ADHD. A constant struggle in my life. The cause of the medication that crippled me and drove me to madness. The future. What is the future? Just more empty days. I don't find joy in anything anymore, only anger and frustration. The video games that once made me feel happy, sad, angry, enthusiastic, and competitive now leave me feeling hollow and lazy. It's time to quit but I don't know how else to spend my time.
Maybe today is just a bad day.
How many days do I have to say that before it becomes a pattern? Will tomorrow bring me happiness? I know happiness isn't achievable. Maybe after all the depression, all the drugs, all the ways I've escaped from reality, I've lost the ability to think positively. But I do think positively. Maybe I'm just finally becoming an adult. Is this adulthood or is it depression? Is growing up meaning losing the ability to feel good? Maybe feeling good just needs to be redefined: the absence of feeling bad. Maybe I just need to wait for my body to normalize. I want to stop smoking weed but I can't. Every time I smoke weed I regret doing it. But, as the day wears on and turns to night, every minute I stay sober I wish I was high. I'm not high right now. Maybe I just need to give it a day, a week, a month. Maybe the natural ability to feel SOMETHING just needs to return. But what if it doesn't? I'll just be wasting my time. My life.
Maybe today is just a bad day.
Being social is tiring for me. I can pull it off for days, even weeks and months. But it catches up to me at the end and I withdraw. I never see it coming either, those neurons just stop firing one day and I become the recluse again. It's too easy to hole up in my room with booze, weed, and some cough syrup and lose myself. I don't feel like an addict. I know addiction. I've been addicted. I've spent time suffering through sobriety, counting down the minutes until I could fix again, brain screaming at me to get high. This isn't like that. Sure, I drink most nights, but I never get hammered. Sure, I smoke weed, but I never try to get as high as I can anymore. I'm functional. Plenty of people do it. But am I an addict? My brain hasn't been sober since I was 8 years old. The doctor prescribed me amphetamines in order to make life easier for all the adults that had to deal with me, leaving my anxiety unchecked and uninhibited. I bounced from obsession to obsession as life passed me by.
Maybe today is just a bad day.
I'm sick of the bad memories. I'm sick of thinking back to my childhood, wishing I could do it all over again. I'm sick of the dreams. I'm sick of the dreams where I prove my worth to the popular kids in high school, showing them I'm not the same person I used to be. Why the fuck do I care? This was years and years ago. I barely remember high school. The people I went to high school with don't remember me. I wasn't popular, but I wasn't hated. I was invisible, so Ritalin'd up I was crippled socially. But yet, my lost childhood sticks in my brain and I can't shake it. The dreams have happened more frequently recently. So have the nightmares. The nightmares where I die. The nightmares where one of the few people I'm close to dies. It doesn't make sense. For the first time in my life, nobody is worrying about me. I'm getting grades that are in the top of my class and I'm finally pushing towards a goal. Why do I feel this way? Is it because now that I've got nothing to stress over, my childhood that I've repressed for so long is finally manifesting itself?
Maybe today is just a bad day.
I don't want to die. But there are times where I yearn for its cold embrace. Death means relief: relief from my shitty memories, relief from having to realize potential, relief from putting the work in to make something of myself. Death means giving up. I can't give up. I know that. I've got to hold on to the hope that I will feel better and maybe, just maybe, I can put my past behind me, put my instincts to withdraw behind me, put my best foot forward and live the life I once thought I could live.
Today is just a bad day.
 
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if you weren't an addict, sobriety wouldn't be suffering. I mean, it would be for a couple months, but after you got clean it is a whole new high altogether.
It sounds like you are in denial about bein gn addict though
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Solitary booze, weed and cough syrup? Have you talked to anyone about this?
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On December 09 2013 10:53 Thrill wrote:
Solitary booze, weed and cough syrup? Have you talked to anyone about this?
not really... the cough syrup thing is like once or twice a month. and i go through the day sober, classes sober, but once days turn to night i feel like i need some of a buzz in order to relax, but like i said i never really get hammered or "drunk" so to speak
maybe i am an addict. idk i spent about a year where i was highly addicted to spice, where i was smoking it every 20 minutes from the time i woke up to the time i went to bed. that to me is addiction. two beers and a bowl every night to me doesn't feel like addiction but it's starting to become clear to me i need a clear head but idk if it's possible given the way my brain chemistry is...
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On December 09 2013 10:53 Smurfett3 wrote:
if you weren't an addict, sobriety wouldn't be suffering. I mean, it would be for a couple months, but after you got clean it is a whole new high altogether.
It sounds like you are in denial about bein gn addict though
Oh come on. This is where you go from a post like that? Seriously, there are people whose addictions are the most harmful thing in their lives, where it's literally the only problem they face because it's so all-consuming. I mean, I don't exactly know what I'm talking about either but I've seen both addicted people and depressed people and this seems a lot more like the former to me.
That being said, I am sorry that I don't really know anything that can help besides what I'm sure people have already told you OP.. find a doctor you really trust to have your best interests at heart and tell them everything. Other than that I don't know that I've seen anyone just 'get better' from this kind of thing... but my heart does go out to you, I've had friends go through similar things
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On December 09 2013 12:55 Cyx. wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2013 10:53 Smurfett3 wrote:
if you weren't an addict, sobriety wouldn't be suffering. I mean, it would be for a couple months, but after you got clean it is a whole new high altogether.
It sounds like you are in denial about bein gn addict though Oh come on. This is where you go from a post like that? Seriously, there are people whose addictions are the most harmful thing in their lives, where it's literally the only problem they face because it's so all-consuming. I mean, I don't exactly know what I'm talking about either but I've seen both addicted people and depressed people and this seems a lot more like the former to me. That being said, I am sorry that I don't really know anything that can help besides what I'm sure people have already told you OP.. find a doctor you really trust to have your best interests at heart and tell them everything. Other than that I don't know that I've seen anyone just 'get better' from this kind of thing... but my heart does go out to you, I've had friends go through similar things
I say that through tough love. As someone who went through an addiction phase and has overcome it, i know exactly what he's going through right now. And judging by the post, the phase he is in right now, it's not his rock bottom. Only at rock bottom can you truly recover from an addiction
edit: overcoming an addiction also requires a strong support group. it is impossible to overcome an addiction otherwise because you just end up relapsing, it's a vicious cycle
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Go find a friend or a relative who lives in a really nice part of the country, go live with them for 2 months and break the addiction or go to a help center. You are in the jowls of addiction, and you need get out of them.
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In my opinion you are at least mildly addicted, which is much different than being a full blown addict. Having a couple of beers and a bowl every night isn't the worst thing in the world, but such consistency means that your brain will expect that every night and diminish your happiness if you don't get them.
Sure you might still be functional and capable, but the fact that you need them to relax at the end of your day is definitely a bad thing. My mentality towards drinking and smoking has always been to make sure that I never need to do either. Personally I think necessity ruins the novelty. It's no longer I'm going to smoke to increase my enjoyment of this game/music/food, it's I'm going to smoke because that's what I do when I get home, and suddenly you get used to things being that way and it's no longer something special, it becomes the norm and not having becomes subpar.
My advice would be to not smoke for a couple of weeks, and not drink every day. Then, after abstaining yourself for that long, when you drink and smoke again it will be much more enjoyable again. After this, be sure to not go back to doing both every day or even on any regular schedule. Sometimes have two days off, sometimes go two days in a row, think about it like spicing up a relationship haha, first get a little bit of distance, then keep things spontaneous and avoid any mundanity.
I know your blog was more than just about drinking and smoking, but I would define myself as a casual drinker and a social/opportunistic smoker, and I find this method works great for me and if you can too everything else might just fall into place. It might not be right for everyone, and not everyone is capable of denying the urges that come up, but if you really can't stop yourself from drinking/smoking every day and feel that you really need to be buzzed, then you might have to face the fact that you might be a bit more addicted than you want to believe.
Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck!
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On December 09 2013 14:54 Myrddraal wrote:
In my opinion you are at least mildly addicted, which is much different than being a full blown addict. Having a couple of beers and a bowl every night isn't the worst thing in the world, but such consistency means that your brain will expect that every night and diminish your happiness if you don't get them.
Sure you might still be functional and capable, but the fact that you need them to relax at the end of your day is definitely a bad thing. My mentality towards drinking and smoking has always been to make sure that I never need to do either. Personally I think necessity ruins the novelty. It's no longer I'm going to smoke to increase my enjoyment of this game/music/food, it's I'm going to smoke because that's what I do when I get home, and suddenly you get used to things being that way and it's no longer something special, it becomes the norm and not having becomes subpar.
My advice would be to not smoke for a couple of weeks, and not drink every day. Then, after abstaining yourself for that long, when you drink and smoke again it will be much more enjoyable again. After this, be sure to not go back to doing both every day or even on any regular schedule. Sometimes have two days off, sometimes go two days in a row, think about it like spicing up a relationship haha, first get a little bit of distance, then keep things spontaneous and avoid any mundanity.
I know your blog was more than just about drinking and smoking, but I would define myself as a casual drinker and a social/opportunistic smoker, and I find this method works great for me and if you can too everything else might just fall into place. It might not be right for everyone, and not everyone is capable of denying the urges that come up, but if you really can't stop yourself from drinking/smoking every day and feel that you really need to be buzzed, then you might have to face the fact that you might be a bit more addicted than you want to believe.
Anyway, whatever you choose to do, good luck!
this is really helpful because you seem to understand my current situation better than some of the other people (i appreciate everyone who commented!  ) once this semester is over i don't plan on smoking weed when i'm on break, and we'll see if i drink more, less, or stay the same from there.
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ex-junkie here. are you still taking Ritalin or any other stimulant ADHD meds? I've fucked with amphetamines a lot, high doses but probably a shorter period of time overall than you, and it has crippled me for some time. You said you were prescribed since 8? How old are you now?
If you are still taking it, I suggest you stop or cut down immediately. If you need to get some work done, deadlines, midterms, or whatever it is, try to stop cold turkey as soon as you have a period of time where you can recover without much pressure. If you don't have a period of time where you can just kick back, taper. Amphetamines drove me into deep depression and gave me unmanageable anxiety as well. I think stopping amps is your priority. The booz and weed can wait as it doesn't seem to be too much of a problem for you.
I feel for you man, I almost lost it many times during my amphetamine binges. Only until I've quit and gone through the horrible experience I realized that it was mostly due to the amps, and I was messing with a bunch of different drugs as well.
If you aren't taking those ADHD meds anymore, I think you should try to exercise everyday, even if it means a quick lap around the block. Endorphins are underrated! Typical answers but it'll help drastically if you keep it up and really put in the effort. Depending on how you handle this, it can be the beginning of a dark road for you...
If you want any advice or just anyone to talk to about the bullshit you gotta deal with just shoot me a PM. Hope you recover man!
edit: as for the cough syrup are you talking about DXM or codeine?
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On December 09 2013 14:54 Myrddraal wrote:
In my opinion you are at least habituated, which is much different than being a full blown addict. Having a couple of beers and a bowl every night isn't the worst thing in the world, but such consistency means that your brain will expect that every night and diminish your happiness if you don't get them.
FTFY. Well said, seriously. Addiction is complex - partly physical & partly psychological; for most people there is a gradient.
Also, the way the drug in question functions usually has a lot to do with it: coke & opiates & amphetamines typically forge a much quicker chemical addiction, while booze & weed are much more habituating than addicting (for most people).
Edit: Danmooj brings up a good point. I'd assumed your mentioned ADHD meds were in the past - but if you're still on anything in the amphetamine family, definitely need to discuss with prescribing doc.
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Canada13389 Posts
On December 09 2013 10:58 sertman wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2013 10:53 Thrill wrote:
Solitary booze, weed and cough syrup? Have you talked to anyone about this? not really... the cough syrup thing is like once or twice a month. and i go through the day sober, classes sober, but once days turn to night i feel like i need some of a buzz in order to relax, but like i said i never really get hammered or "drunk" so to speak maybe i am an addict. idk i spent about a year where i was highly addicted to spice, where i was smoking it every 20 minutes from the time i woke up to the time i went to bed. that to me is addiction. two beers and a bowl every night to me doesn't feel like addiction but it's starting to become clear to me i need a clear head but idk if it's possible given the way my brain chemistry is...
So you are basically self medicating for stuff to relax. You should see a counsellor. You mention classes, I assume you go to school then. A lot of schools offer free counselling services. Go talk to them. Especially if its college then there is no judging :D They will simply help you through this. Nothing wrong with some beers or weed or w/e just in moderation and you are moving past moderation my friend.
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I have been in this situation myself. For a number of reasons. I took longer to graduate school than all of my friends did. I became reclusive and depressed, smoking and drinking for no particular reason at all, if nothing more than to get my mind off what I thought to be the ultimate failure, myself.
I spent a long time feeling sorry for myself and making up excuses for what had transpired. It wasn't until I had a serious heart-to-heart with my family that I was able to release all of the sadness that had been built up over the years. My focus was on negative connotations of what I had perceived the public (friends) to think about me. People say all the time "Oh, I don't care what X says or thinks about me". However, in my case, I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had became a miserable failure.
That was very far from the truth. After having the meeting with my family I began to look at the positive things I had done. Sure, it took me a while to graduate, but I did so working full-time, and through student loans that I had gone out and got on my own. The negative experiences I faced help mold me into a much more mature person, much more calm, and in general just healthier.
I know this may or may not pertain to you. But your post reminds me of how I felt during those days. All I can say is that somewhere, someone cares about you and they see your life in a different aspect than you do. For me, it came down to expressing the pain I was feeling to the ones that cared for me most. When I did that, I became free. I've since moved on to work as a professional in the Oil industry, and have really turned my life around.
Hope you experience the same.
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@danmooj1 I'm 24. I stopped taking ADHD medication after my addiction spell in 2011, so I've been off it for a year and a few months after 15 years of medication. I am trying to exercise more and there's really no excuse as to why I can't be motivated to sometimes. And DXM was what I used
@ZeroMuS: I've actually moved closer to moderation this semester than I was when I started, but I've been frustrated at my seeming inability to stop altogether.
@Ctone23: thanks for the story glad to hear everything turned around!
Writing this blog post was very cathartic for me and was mainly stuff I needed to get off my chest. Thanks for reading!
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