I haven't been super active on teamliquid recently, so maybe this is an old meta. However I noticed a recent meta in blogs with a general theme of "OMG IM (15-22) YEARS OF AGE AND I HAVE NO CLUE. OBVIOUSLY RANDOM STRANGERS KNOW ME BETTER THAN ME, SO HALP ME" style blogs, so I'll get on that train.
Firstly I'd like to thank all of you that gave me support in various ways when I was as a whole far less secure about what I wanted to do. Guidance ranged from "suck it up, don't be a bitch" to "jsut do it" to "lol" Now although I'm still not certain I'm more confident in the decisions I make, which I think is a key thing for many of those writing. I think a key limitation of these style of blogs that many don't realize, although seems abundantly clear is only you know you. Sometimes writing the blog itself is the most important thing. Although guidance from the community can be helpful it can just as easily be harmful. Writing ones thoughts and frustrations can be incredibly therapeutic and help one form a complete opinion on a matter. That being said, I'll launch into my ideally cathartic blog.
Right now I'm studying Computer Science at UCSD. Not to say that it's not a great program or a great school academically, both are entirely true. I am not having a great time there for at least some of the following reasons. I'm not entirely sure.
1) The school itself. With the lowest alumni donation rates of almost any UC and a somewhat odd setup UCSD is somewhat un collegesque. And although I"ve never been that spirited there is an appeal to having a cmampus that can unite around athletics. Also the demographics are incredibly asian and introvert. Although there is nothing wrong with this it can be difficult for me to relate to a lot of the people here, especially in the computer science department.
2) Me. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough. Maybe there are things I'm missing. Maybe I'm being too downhearted in general which is preventing me from finding opportunities.
3) The major. I'm a computer science major. My primary interests are probably more legal/rhetorical. That being said, I'm not doing poorly in the program, but I'm not necessarily super interested in the curriculum which is reasonably difficult.
4) None of the above. Sometimes the little things matter more than the obvious things.
I think a lot of it for me comes down to isolating that. I know I'm not particularly satisfied with where I am right now. I'm not sure whether it's becuase I'm not particularly happy here, I'm not particularly happy with my major, I'm doing something grossly wrong or another factor. I know at this point I dont' want to software development as a career. There is clearly more to CS than that but I'm not sure I wish to pursue it. I have generally felt at home on many college campuses but the atmosphere here certainly doesn't have that effect on me. (Despite fact I go there.) Also going into decision making I chose UCSD largely on rankings over feelings, and I urge people to go more with their gut. If you don't think a decision is good don't go for it.
This has been a bit of a wall of text, but I'm not sure how else to convey these thoughts.
In resolving this inner conflict and general discontent, I'm not sure where I should start. Should I look into transferring. Changing majors? Looking more intensely for people I get along with and can associate with? I'm somewhat unsure. I'm not in a bad place on paper, but I'm generally not happy with where I am.