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I haven't blogged anything in a while, mostly because I used to write about very trivial things and would end up feeling really selfish afterwards, but I really need to just write some things down about recent events to let things out.
My dad had a heart attack last night at 10 PM. He wasn't feeling well, he was really cold and had indigestion and random pains in his arm, so he told my mom to call an ambulance. They ran some tests on him and basically told him he had a heart attack. They took him to a hospital in town and my brother and I rode down there together a little bit later where we waited with my mother, my other brother, a neighbor, and my dad's boss/basically father figure, Jim. The mood in the waiting room was pretty light, we were told that he was okay and Jim was making a lot of jokes. I wasn't sure how to act going in, I obviously was very sad but I hadn't cried or anything.
So the doctor comes out and tells us what's going on, and then we're allowed to go in and see my dad. We all walk in, and the first person to speak is Jim, who jokingly says "hell of a way to get a vacation." Except my dad immediately started crying. I've never, ever seen my dad cry in my life. He takes a lot of pride in himself and doesn't like to show weakness, but here he was, feeling exposed to the world. And then Jim started crying, and sadness took over the room. I've cried over very dumb things, such as girls; I didn't cry at this time, but this was one of the saddest moments in my life. My dad gathered himself eventually and we stayed there until about 2:30 AM, I had to give my brother a ride and I ended up going to bed at about 4 AM.
I woke up at 7:30 AM today and got to the hospital at 9, and I was there from 9 AM to 10:30 PM. Everything was fine, it was just me and my dad and I did my best to take care of him. I cut up his food for him, I got him a newspaper for him to read, I just tried to be there for him. We've never had a super personal relationship, I never got a lot of advice about girls or anything, but he always seems to show his love for my brothers and me by helping us build things, do yard work, work on our cars, etc. He's 55, so it's not like he's really old, so I know it probably hurt him inside to feel so helpless to the point where I had to cut up his food and what not, but this is only temporary and I find peace in that. Jim visited again and this time things went a lot better, they both joked around and everybody was much happier. Some other friends from work visited him, and eventually it went from being only me there to my two brothers, mom, uncle and aunt being there.
He had progressed throughout the day, and he was able to sit up to eat his dinner. At about 9 PM, they decided it was okay for him to get up to go to the bathroom that was attached to his room. We all walked outside of the room just for privacy, and a few minutes later, we hear the nurse yelling "help" very loudly. We all ran in and my dad is falling forward with his eyes rolled to the back of his head. His eyes were pure white. I just can't get this image out of my head. I know I sound like a baby over that, and I know people that work at the hospital see that all the time, but it's so hard for me to see my dad weak like that. He didn't even look like a human. They were able to get him on the bed, thankfully he didn't fall onto the ground, and a bunch of nurses rushed into the room and forced us out. The way it seemed, we thought he was gone. All we could hear was them telling him to wake up. Thankfully he did. I stayed there a little longer and just couldn't, and still can't, get that image out of my head. He's resting now and my mom is staying there for the night, and hopefully he can recover.
The past few weeks I haven't been able to sleep at night cause the idea of me dying has really been bothering me, I've heard it called "existential crisis". I'm 21, for what it's worth. Obviously the events here aren't helping that, and I'm still very afraid that something bad can happen and he'll be gone before I know it, but I guess I just need to trust the nurses and doctor. All I know right now is this seems like it's going to force a huge lifestyle change from me. I'm not one to complain about my parents all the time, but I definitely have before.. and this is going to make me appreciate them a lot more. Also, I think this is going to make me a much nicer person all around.. it sounds cliche, I know, but this stuff has really hit me hard. I've had two visual images throughout this - 1. The Fresh Prince episode where Uncle Phil has a heart attack and Carlton refuses to see him because he doesn't want to see his father in a weakened state (for a sitcom, the serious moments were done really well) and 2. After winning the NBA Finals in 1996 on Father's Day, the picture of Michael Jordan crying on the floor with the basketball, mourning his dad's murder.
I also need to get healthier. When I was in the 7th grade, I could run a mile in 5:50. Now I can barely run over 2 miles, and the food I eat is ridiculously unhealthy. I don't wanna end up like he is now. I've gone from a cross country kid to a guy who is pretty out of shape and really embarrassed of it.
Thoughts, prayers, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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wow Kameron I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Hope everything turns out well.
My Dad has had a history of health issues as well, but nothing nearly as serious as this. Part of my motivation for getting back into running at the beginning of the year were seeing health issues in so many people around me. It was interesting because as soon as I started making a bigger deal out of my health, I noticed people around me start living healthier as well. Suddenly half my family was running regularly and friends I never would have expected started asking to sign up for races and run with me.
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stay strong and stay positive! difficult times may be tough to endure, but this time has also brought you, your father, and the rest of your family closer together. an event that suddenly makes you aware of life's mortality can really keep you down, but try to recognize the things you've gained because of this: becoming stronger, better, and more appreciative of everything in your life; becoming closer to your family; gaining the experience and opportunity to bond with your family and overcome a great challenge together.
on a side note, if you're looking to improve your health (and possibly your family's as well), check out the nutrition thread in the health and fitness forum.
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My Dad had a heart attack only a few months ago, it was definetaly the saddest thing to have happened so far. Hes only 49 and had his first heart attack. I think i'm more like your brother but my shame was definetaly greater due to some stuff that I don't want to talk about. It happened late at night, and I ended up going to the hospital after work the next day for the time and i was cracking jokes the whole time but there was definetaly some tension there
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I'm sorry to hear about your father. I'm 21 as well, also been through various health concerns and tragic events in the family. Hope your family is still good and well and your father recovers smoothly.
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Sorry man. Ive been through something similar.. My dad got an infection from dental work he had done and it ended up spreading to his spine. They wouldnt even let me in to the room without a full bio suit and gloves. They never did diagnose what he had. I stayed with him night after night while he was in a coma like state. His teeth chattered so hard i had to keep him from biting his tongue constantly. I thought he was gonna die. After about a month of antibiotics and tube feeding he came back. Full recovery. Im not religious but something like that really makes you wonder. Good luck to you and your dad
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I wish that all ends up fine for you, your dad and your family, and that all that will be left of this will be your realisation and the fact that it brought your family closer together.
And it's all right to be cliche. They are cliches for a reason, the only wrong thing about that would be to be critic about it. Feelings are important.
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I have been through this twice. Once the day before I left the country to play a soccer tournament for our u 17 national team. And once in my third year of med school my dad had his second heart attack right in front of me out at Walmart which I can proudly say I helped out with quite a bit up until he got to the hospital.
I remember feeling similar to how you are feeling the first time it happened. It was such a shock to see my dad who was usual so strong in such a frail and helpless position. I see a lot of these patients come through emerge so if you have any questions or need some one to talk to who has been through the same thing feel free to PM me.
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I'm sure this blog made a lot of readers self-reflect and ponder what would they do if their fathers are in that situation. I can't say I understand how you feel because both my parents are somewhat healthy still and I have yet to take care of them like that, but whatever you're going through I hope you and your family can continue to be strong. That white-eyed image must be awful.
You can also learn about your own health from your parents, as you have stated. A lot of it is genetics unfortunately, and if your dad has an early aged heart problem, you should be careful as well !!
You, your dad, and your family are in my thoughts. Good luck mate.
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Stay strong! Wish all the best for you and your family!
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Heartfelt blog. Will keep your father and family in my prayers. Glad this is motivating you to focus on your health!
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My dad had a heart attack roughly 4 months ago aswell. He started japping, went black and blue in the face and fell to the floor - without any signs beforehand. It was pretty much of a shock, and i can relate to your feelings very well. He had a surgery and got a pacemaker implemented, so far so good, and is doing fine by now. He is 53 aswell, and normally a pretty lively guy.
Dont give up your hope, all the best!
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Sorry to hear about your father Shox. I hope he gets better soon!
I can relate to feeling out of shape. Did track in high school (now am 22), then yesterday I went back to do a sprint work out like I used to do, and I felt like dying as I struggled to complete a mere 4x 200m sprint work out.
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Stay strong, hope your father makes a swift recovery 
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Sorry about your father, hopefully he has a smooth recovery. I like that you are turning this experience into whatever positives you can 
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United Kingdom16710 Posts
I always say, if you're ever going to die due to a medical condition, do your very best to see that it's an unpreventable one.
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I usually don't pray.
But I do hope everything goes alright from now on to you and yours.
I also want to invite you to the TL Health and Fitness forum, we'll cheer you up and keep you focused to becoming a better (and healthy) self  .
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/index.php?show_part=63
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I sincerely wish your father the best luck possible
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Thanks for all of the posts guys. I've read through all of them and I really, really appreciate it. I haven't been around TL as much lately, but this is an amazing community.
My dad is feeling a lot better. He got a shower in today and feels much better overall. They're saying he'll be out tomorrow, and as long as he's perfectly fine, that's a good thing. I just don't want them to rush it and release him before he should be out. I'm still kind of in shock from seeing him faint and seeing his eyes rolled back all the way, but I was able to talk about it with family and that helped a bit. Hopefully I'll sleep a little bit better tonight.
Again, thanks everybody. It really does mean a lot.
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EPT
