EPT
A little over http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=358758 7 months ago, I sobered up from my drugs and alcohol and have been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and adhering to the program it provides. I'm working the steps with a sponsor, staying in contact with other addicts, and attempting to incorporate spiritual principles in my life. You know what? it's working. It's working damn well. It's worked when nothing else has ever worked.
But the defiant intellectual inside me is clawing for a vision of a sober AND fulfilling life without NA. Why? This thinking tends to get me nowhere, but these thoughts seem to be written on a Hollywood billboard implanted in my mind. I'm at that point where I'm starting to once again, question my fundamentals , my existence, and everything I stand for and believe in. We all know those times, and sometimes they can be uncomfortable. When I can't resolve these questions, I become frustrated from lack of clarity.
Maybe these thoughts are surfacing from my extreme fear of dogmatic thinking. I'll be damned if I find myself trapped into believing that NA is the only way to recover from addiction. Surely there are other solutions, but this is what I have found to work, so I'll stick with it. Why can't I internalize that in this given moment?
Am I not able to do this on my own? I can't believe I'm asking myself this question. I've found that recovering with other people who have suffered and persevered through similar struggles to be of ultimate benefit. I said it earlier, what I'm doing is working, why should I question it? I want to truly be able to tell myself that there is absolutely no reason to stray into foreign ground and abandon what has saved my life...No, what has given me a life worth living.
Did I not just exactly reinforce why I attend meetings and work the 12 steps and plan to continue doing so for the rest of my life, one day at a time? Surely, one day, I'll find myself spiritually rich. Do the means to the end matter? Do I have the luxury of debating on how I'm going to approach my recovery when the odds are so drastically stacked against me? http://www.spiritualriver.com/what-is-the-percentage-of-alcoholics-who-stay-sober/
Is it not the ultimate pleasure of life to give away what has been so freely given to me? And I realize it now, at the end of this blog. I have been so self-absorbed over the past few hours, that I lost sight of what really matters in this world for me. Through selfless service and giving, I can fill that void inside of me that nothing outside of myself has ever been able to.
Ah, back to peace of mind.
