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A person hears only what they understand.

Blogs > beachbeachy
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beachbeachy
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United States509 Posts
March 15 2013 10:37 GMT
#1
I sit here at odds with myself. Why am I writing this blog? Will this result in a therapeutic release from self-obsession? Will I even post this or will I write it just for the sake of writing it?

A little over http://www.teamliquid.net/blogs/viewblog.php?id=358758 7 months ago, I sobered up from my drugs and alcohol and have been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and adhering to the program it provides. I'm working the steps with a sponsor, staying in contact with other addicts, and attempting to incorporate spiritual principles in my life. You know what? it's working. It's working damn well. It's worked when nothing else has ever worked.

But the defiant intellectual inside me is clawing for a vision of a sober AND fulfilling life without NA. Why? This thinking tends to get me nowhere, but these thoughts seem to be written on a Hollywood billboard implanted in my mind. I'm at that point where I'm starting to once again, question my fundamentals , my existence, and everything I stand for and believe in. We all know those times, and sometimes they can be uncomfortable. When I can't resolve these questions, I become frustrated from lack of clarity.

Maybe these thoughts are surfacing from my extreme fear of dogmatic thinking. I'll be damned if I find myself trapped into believing that NA is the only way to recover from addiction. Surely there are other solutions, but this is what I have found to work, so I'll stick with it. Why can't I internalize that in this given moment?

Am I not able to do this on my own? I can't believe I'm asking myself this question. I've found that recovering with other people who have suffered and persevered through similar struggles to be of ultimate benefit. I said it earlier, what I'm doing is working, why should I question it? I want to truly be able to tell myself that there is absolutely no reason to stray into foreign ground and abandon what has saved my life...No, what has given me a life worth living.

Did I not just exactly reinforce why I attend meetings and work the 12 steps and plan to continue doing so for the rest of my life, one day at a time? Surely, one day, I'll find myself spiritually rich. Do the means to the end matter? Do I have the luxury of debating on how I'm going to approach my recovery when the odds are so drastically stacked against me? http://www.spiritualriver.com/what-is-the-percentage-of-alcoholics-who-stay-sober/

Is it not the ultimate pleasure of life to give away what has been so freely given to me? And I realize it now, at the end of this blog. I have been so self-absorbed over the past few hours, that I lost sight of what really matters in this world for me. Through selfless service and giving, I can fill that void inside of me that nothing outside of myself has ever been able to.

Ah, back to peace of mind.

*****
Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men. - Goethe
kafkaesque
Profile Blog Joined November 2011
Germany2006 Posts
March 15 2013 12:16 GMT
#2
No idea what's going on here, but I feel a positive vibe, so 5/5. Keep at it, Bro!
| (• ◡•)|╯ ╰(❍ᴥ❍ʋ)
alQahira
Profile Joined June 2011
United States511 Posts
March 15 2013 13:32 GMT
#3
http://m.guardiannews.com/culture/2013/mar/09/russell-brand-life-without-drugs

I thought this was an insightful article from russel brand of all people. Good luck with the struggle!
Japhybaby
Profile Blog Joined February 2013
Canada301 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-15 15:30:40
March 15 2013 15:28 GMT
#4
@akQahira nice article, but not so hopeful eh?

Hey,nice work being sober. Life is a struggle sometimes, huh? I just want to put an idea out there. There is a book called Infinite Jest by a writer named David Foster Wallace, in it there are several stories bound by a common theme which focuses on addiction. This book is ridiculous. There is so much going on and on top of that there are footnotes one has to check at the back of the book. so i won't recommend the whole thing but rather a focused reading of certain characters. If you wanted to do this you'd flip through until you find the chapters titled with something like "Ennet house recovery centre" and what you will get is an artists rendering of some of the struggles of an addict... a lot of what goes on at AA. It is a disgustingly realistic portrayal that uses artistic techniques to get to the psychological truths of the matter.

There are several addicts, because one of the main places is an AA recovery centre. There is one called "Geoffrey" who disturbs me particularly. He was a college professor in some literary arts program. He argues himself into these intellectual circles that basically you can tell he is totally addicted to something but he has no way out of his own cage. Someone could easily just tell him "dude you're addicted. chill out" but he is requiring that one knows all these definitions and such to even talk to him.. not nice..(actually liquid nony has a blog where he is kind of arguing himself into a cage in similar way, a recent one where it exploded into an argument about depression)

what i think one struggling with being in NA would get out of this read is the disturbing reality of what is actually going on. He holds nothing back in the way of realistic unsettlledness in my eyes.. perhaps that is an emotional ladder you could climb to better yourself? (this paragraph really gives you an eye on what a pretentious intellectual like geoffrey might be like ie me)

Also.. a psychdelic mushroom taken at around four grams can really alter one's perspective on abusive behaviour..good luck
hold on! i'm callin' you back to the pool, and we'll dazzle them all!
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