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Suicidal thoughts, need advice.

Blogs > Scorpion77
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Scorpion77
Profile Blog Joined January 2013
98 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-02 14:46:21
February 10 2013 14:47 GMT
#1
.

*
SnowfaLL
Profile Joined December 2008
Canada730 Posts
February 10 2013 15:12 GMT
#2
I will be brief but basically; my brother has Aspergers and honestly, I dont see how he will ever go to college or university, hes severly lacking in social awareness, so if you made it through things like that I don't think you have that bad of a case.

And I have SAD, it sucks and it will always be there, but know what helped me the most? I joined the military. It forced me to be in situations where I was FORCED to be around people 24/7, sleeping in rooms with 50 guys, having to use public washrooms for 6 months (ugh) and just things to build my confidence/realize things like this doesnt matter.. I dunno how the military works where you are located but for me (Canada), It not only provided me with a great career and financial stability, it helped me grow as a person.

As far as depression goes, which I also had, I found I really had to focus on my goals in life. What do you want to accomplish in life? Then work hard towards that. Having friends doesnt matter (unless thats your goal lol) but for me, its music. I want to be a great musician, so instead of being depressed thinking I had no place in the world, I rather work day and night to be a musician. Find something you want to work towards and thats what will get you through the depression
Favorites: Moon, Grubby, Naniwa, TAiLS, viOLeT, DongRaeGu
Jibba
Profile Blog Joined October 2007
United States22883 Posts
February 10 2013 15:14 GMT
#3
First, I think one of the most important things is to realize this:
"I don't feel like I fit into the world and adulthood is so massively complex that I'm not sure if I can cope with this."

Most of us feel that way. I'm not discounting your issues, I just mean to say that a lot of us, even the confident or chipper ones, worry excessively about how we'll handle the future and whether we can deal with it or not - especially college and high school students and young professionals. I think I can at least speak for my friends in saying that while we were in school, we had issues that we didn't know the others had, and now that we've gotten out and started working, some of the issues remain but even worse, we've stopped seeing each other and a lot don't go out much anymore (ie became homebodies after work ends.) I don't think that's uncommon, although it is distressing.

Just keep in mind that a lot of people are hurting, it's just that you can only see what's going on behind-the-scenes for yourself and you can only see the final product for them. I still worry too much about what I "should be," rather than just gravitating towards the things I enjoy, and even though I've learned to handle big social occasions well, they still exhaust me.

I think the counselor might help. Just talking to someone, especially someone that's not your family or friends, can be relieving, even if there's no earthshattering psychoanalysis or anything. Getting things off your chest is pretty powerful.

Have you done any continuing education at all?
ModeratorNow I'm distant, dark in this anthrobeat
Parlortricks
Profile Blog Joined December 2011
United States111 Posts
February 10 2013 15:22 GMT
#4
Discuss with your psychiatrist about putting you on an SSRI and an antipsychotic. Finding your way out of depression without medication is really hard, and I think eventually you'll get to that point. I'll say what everyone else will say that suicide isn't the answer, and I know you don't appreciate that statement right now but you will later on.

Scorpion77
Profile Blog Joined January 2013
98 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-03-02 15:39:46
February 10 2013 15:22 GMT
#5
.
run.at.me
Profile Joined December 2011
Australia550 Posts
February 10 2013 15:35 GMT
#6
You don't need an anti-psychotic, none of your symptoms even remotely tie into psychosis or anything like it.

You are depressed though, and anti-depressants are a wise option to start. I've been on them for two years+ and I wish I took them earlier (I'm 23 now). Don't be afraid to take them, just do it.

You read too much google about your condition, falsely exaggerating your state into what it isn't. You've got anxiety and depression - these two are intrinsically related. Help one, and the other gets better. Meds help both. However the more you read, the more you self-diagnose. I did the same thing. Thought I had bi-polar, schizophrenia, range of possible mood disorders. Did I have any? No...

In terms of how you feel, it seems the basis of your feelings are circumstantial + bad thinking habits. You need to see a psychologist - talk about life, and grab some advice on options to improve it. Thinking positively is a skill, one that you develop over time. It doesn't happen over night, however learning to challenge negative thoughts with rational ones is very important.

Life goes through phases, and your in a bit of a down phase. Acknowledge that this is a phase alone, and there are things you need to do to feel better. Step by step, do those things not because you feel like doing them, but because you should do them.

2.35 am here and up for work at 8. Good luck and you'll be ok



jrkirby
Profile Blog Joined August 2010
United States1510 Posts
February 10 2013 15:50 GMT
#7
Go for a run. When you run, your body makes good drugs that make you happy all day long. I have friends now, but when I didn't, running made me not depressed.
sc4k
Profile Blog Joined January 2010
United Kingdom5454 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-02-10 16:11:54
February 10 2013 16:06 GMT
#8
Yeah to be honest dude...adult life is hard. It's like when you are young the difficulty level is 'EASY'. And then when you get to teenage years it becomes 'MEDIUM'...then when you are 20 it suddenly becomes 'HARD'. Don't worry, you've still got 'HURT ME PLENTY' to come.

Basically, the challenges get bigger and more complex...but the rewards are way bigger too. How much pride do you feel beating a game on easy mode??? None at all. Whereas taking out a difficult game on expert is always rewarding and you can sit back and be like 'yeah I beat the hardest the game had to offer'.

You can't give up when life gets hard because you are giving up your chance to overcome some real challenges. There are loads of people who feel like you, and I'm probably more in that category than out. It's not that I can't make friends with people and be normal it's more than I can't stand pretending to be normal when I'm not, so I just don't try. I was having suicidal thoughts at just under your age but let me just say I can't think of anything worse than suicide now.

So to beat the hard difficulty setting you need to get out of your comfort zone. That's basically the long and the short of it. Getting out into the real world, making an effort to get a friend or two, getting a girlfriend, getting a job, expanding your interests will be totally out of your comfort zone, but it's gotta be done, that's the 'objectives' of the hard difficulty setting. One thing is sure, the more you get out of your comfort zone, the more your comfort zone will expand...you got to try and give it your best shot.

Jrkirby is right as well...I wouldn't run because it's boring as hell for me, but going to the gym or getting exercise is right where it's at. It is chemically good for you. And regardless of how cynical and depressing society is (and it fucking well is), I have found that some of the most friendly and welcoming people are gym guys. There will be some knobs but also some guys seriously willing to help you out. Who might become your gym bros and later your friends. If a guy comes up to me or any of my bros in the gym and asks for help, we will spend a good 10-30 mins helping them and then ask if they want our facebook so they can organise coming for another session and train with us.

Another important thing to remember is that there are LOTS of people out there who feel extremely awkward and socially inept around others. But they still do it, they are trying to battle against it...you probably won't notice on the outside but if you put yourself and your vulnerabilities out there, and tell people things like 'I am really bad with people, I just have no confidence' etc, you will find way more often than not people sympathise and empathise with you. There are lots of fucking friendly people out there, the key I have found is showing your vulnerability...which is uncomfortable but the way to go. Guys who put up fronts and act like they are the boss are often really lonely inside and even sometimes commit suicide.

One final thing. Don't ever think that anyone is having it easy!!! Life is difficult for all of us in a different way. Even the most sociable and confident people you see will have massive doubts and problems to overcome. We all have to strive to overcome and in that struggle you can find pride. Even if you see a guy with a properly great job you can be sure he is having doubts about whether he is going in the right direction, he is probably stressed that he has to perform really well all the time. The only thing that separates people who are looking onwards and upwards from people who are looking downwards is attitude, not circumstance.

riptide
Profile Blog Joined July 2007
5673 Posts
February 10 2013 16:15 GMT
#9
I don't know if this will be a strong motivator for you, but do always remember that there is someone in the world who will benefit from what you have to offer. It doesn't matter if you're still finding your way and feel that you have nothing to give at the moment. The truth is, you do.

Someone said that true happiness is living for people other than yourself. Have you considered volunteering a few hours a week at something like a soup kitchen or an animal shelter? If you're in university there should definitely be clubs / societies that do these kinda things.

Remember, your life is immensely valuable. There is something you can give to the people around you that no one else can bring, and don't let the sorry state of the world in general ever get in the way of that reality!

Having said that, please do speak to someone IRL about your suicidal thoughts. They are nothing to be ashamed of, and are actually far more common than we are led to believe. You need to voice them to someone who can help you though, and to that end it's great that you are meeting a psychiatrist.

Good luck with your visit, and God bless, dude.
AdministratorSKT T1 | Masters of the Universe
FlaShFTW
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States10179 Posts
February 10 2013 16:26 GMT
#10
find something to take your mind off things. i did that. cubing got me past my depression and brought happiness back into my life. use that one shining thing in your life to power the rest.

and talk to a professional. talk to people. do not keep this inside because it will just blow up.
Writer#1 KT and FlaSh Fanboy || Woo Jung Ho Never Forget || Teamliquid Political Decision Desk
TL+ Member
ALPINA
Profile Joined May 2010
3791 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-02-10 16:43:21
February 10 2013 16:34 GMT
#11
Not sure if allowed to post youtube video, but it really helps when i am depressed:


I just find some nice lines very true:

- Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
- Do one thing everyday that scares you.
- Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
- Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
- Don’t expect anyone else to support you.



If it's not allowed, just lmk i edit it.
You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity
Fishgle
Profile Blog Joined May 2011
United States2174 Posts
February 10 2013 17:10 GMT
#12
A few years back, when I could afford therapy, this is the advice I was given:

Go to Bed/ Wake on Time
Shave/ Brush Teeth/ Shower / etc Daily
Dress Nicely
Do your chores on a timely basis
Go for a Walk every Day
Call Someone at least once a week, even if it's just my mother

and other stuff like that. He even made me write it down and sign it. If I could find the page I'd scan it and show you.

And I know all those things seem ridiculously inane and pointless, but IT'S SO HARD. so fuckin hard. Sometimes I did like a 10 second tooth brushing, say "fuck it, why do more, not like I'll be seeing anyone today". And it may take an hour or two, but I eventually did. Pick up toothbrush. Toothpaste. Brush teeth, forcing myself to count to 300 in my head.

And then maybe I'd sleep the rest of the day. And the brushing of teeth would have been the highlight of the day. And i'd feel FUCKIN GREAT about having done it. And if that good feeling lasted long enough, I'd maybe even take a shower the next day. And so on and so on.

And then one day, I found myself outside, reading 77 Dream Songs, when some stranger walked by with their dog and said "Hi" and I replied "Thank you". And she gave me the weirdest smile. It was fuckin great.

But anyway. Small steps. Relearn everything.

Realizing you have nothing means you have everything to gain. Before you can tackle anything big on your life, you have to take care of the basics. I mean, I'm no where near having a grip on anything yet, but it seems that the "important adult responsibilities" are mostly the inane and banal. Right now I'm learning to cook, play guitar, and hoping a job runs my way. And maybe once I've done that I'll have that basic minimum level of dopamine income, the point where the flow of the faucet equals the take of the drain.

Maybe this doesn't apply to you at all, but I wanted to share. I'm mostly in the same rut as you at the moment, I feel. Except for the suicide part. I often think it's odd that I don't think about suicide. Does thinking about thinking about suicide count?

Anyway.

I don't really know what I can say to help. And I don't know where I was going with all of this. But I wanted to say something. I hope it helps. I hope you get better. Meanwhile, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I mean everyone has to do it, right. Maybe no one talks about, and maybe some people talk about it too much, but everyone brushes their teeth. And I think that's important.
aka ChillyGonzalo / GnozL
Grettin
Profile Joined April 2010
42381 Posts
February 10 2013 17:56 GMT
#13
I think every advice i would have to offer is already being said, so all i'm gonna say is good luck man. You'll find that something you want to do, just need to keep searching. Fighting!
"If I had force-fields in Brood War, I'd never lose." -Bisu
Deleuze
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United Kingdom2102 Posts
February 10 2013 18:18 GMT
#14
Hey Scorpion77 I just sent you another PM (hope it didn't come across as too intense, I was just worried).

Keep up with the blogs it'll be a really good for you to get things clearer and see how your mood and thoughts progress.

What Fishgle is saying about keeping to a routine is very important in overcoming depression.
“An image of thought called philosophy has been formed historically and it effectively stops people from thinking.” ― Gilles Deleuze, Dialogues II
wwJd)El_Mojjo
Profile Blog Joined September 2009
Sweden173 Posts
February 10 2013 19:02 GMT
#15
I'm afraid I don't really have any clear advice to give you at the moment. But if you want someone to chat with some time you could always add me on skype or msn. I should probably warn you though, I'm Christian so that will most likely influence a lot of what I have to say. =P
But if you don't mind that, I sent you a pm with my skype name. ^^
Gc.El_Mojjo
halldor
Profile Joined December 2011
Iceland43 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-02-10 19:51:03
February 10 2013 19:49 GMT
#16
http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/
and no this is not a joke article, helped me with my social anxiety, and multiple other problems,seriously read this.
for the swarm
ThePhan2m
Profile Blog Joined September 2004
Norway2750 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-02-10 20:04:28
February 10 2013 20:03 GMT
#17
I recognize a lot, thought probably not in the same extent. I feel you man!
I've found a lot of joy in my part time job. It makes me feel like I do something, earn my living and contribute. It makes me do my best and try be flexible, also get that "forced" though kinda fake social contact with people. And then I sometimes try to expand from there.

I think Fishgle has strong points, I'm going to test some of that basic still meaningful in a way.
I'm also Christian, even though I have my ups and downs, those times that I pray and seek God, I feel that I get strength and peace from it to go on

Good luck! I don't mind chatting about these things either. I don't talk to many people about these things either as much I'd wish, but I've learnt that it always helps to talk.
Mothra
Profile Blog Joined November 2009
United States1448 Posts
Last Edited: 2013-02-10 20:56:27
February 10 2013 20:06 GMT
#18
Hi. I felt/feel similar to you. I've attempted suicide and been hospitalized. In the end, it's only the "boring" and "stupid" stuff that seems to help. Like the advice above about going for a run, grooming yourself, keeping your living area clean etc. There's no magic bullet that's going to suddenly fix everything. Be wary of psychiatry especially. Keeping a journal in order to record what makes you feel bad or good is a big help. Like for me, there are certain music and games that I'm drawn to but I see in my journal that they make me feel bad every time. So I stop indulging in them when I can. Then there are seemingly pointless things that make me feel good, and it helps to be reminded because otherwise I just live by old habits. If you don't change your habits, nothing's going to change and no one has the power to fix you. It's a slow and painful process to change them, and setbacks are inevitable, but you can do it.

One more thing. Help your parents when they cook and do laundry. Ask to go grocery shopping with them. Learn those things from them. It helps to not feel useless and helpless.
krndandaman
Profile Joined August 2009
Mozambique16569 Posts
February 10 2013 20:11 GMT
#19
--- Nuked ---
Najda
Profile Joined June 2010
United States3765 Posts
February 10 2013 20:50 GMT
#20
I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said but I just want to say thank you guys. Obviously I can't speak on behalf of the OP, but it's posts like these that make me so glad to be a part of TeamLiquid.
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