I met Sarah about five years ago on a forum (I was 21 and she 23), and I was like instantly attracted to her through her posts and blogs. We had some similar life experiences and we ended up messaging a lot, reading each other's blogs and stuff and gradually we became like super close, confiding almost everything with a lot of emotional honesty, sharing thoughts about basically everything. She's extremely smart, has phenomenal taste in basically everything, has been faced with some similar issues and challenges as me (both dropped out of school multiple times, had mental health issues, stuff like that) and is by far the most thoughtful person I've ever known. And she's a fantastic, expressive writer, so it was always so easy to talk about things. The negative, alas, she lives thousands of miles away.
So basically you can probably tell I was definitely falling in love with her (the one time I think I've been actually in love). Because of the emotional honesty, I really couldn't avoid letting her know that--especially when she had vanished for a while from online (because of a crisis, I found out) and then came back. I wrote this beautiful laying out of how I sort of had grown this massive crush on her, and she wrote back this beautifully written letter about the impossibility of any actual relationship but not cause she had no feelings and that if we were actually around each other things probably would be happening between us. We both had our lives to focus on in our own places, and she needed to be with someone she could physically be with (and I think she said she'd actually moved solely for someone before and that it was a life mistake). So we still remained very close pen-pals though, I couldn't bear not having her to talk to. This was all still about 4 years ago or more. Burning desire cooled but I still had this like deeper love that continued to grow as we talked and grew, exchanging e-mails and still reading each other's blogs.
She was insistent about not even meeting in person though cause it would be too confusing and she's kept a careful shield about staying in separate worlds (it's also very refreshing to have someone totally outside every other part of your life to share with, I agree with that), she has had a couple boyfriends over this time. I wanted to hang out, but also saw the wisdom and respected her position. Here's how it's still a thing in my life though. No one I meet remotely compares to her, is the short of it. I've said I'm over her many times and believed it, cause I didn't like lay in bed longing for her to be there after a while, I was actively looked for people around me, and in other facets I became a lot more satisfied with my life. We gradually have talked a lot less frequently, now it's only once every few months maybe.
I crave physical gestures like everyone, and I do find people I can care about as well, but none of them are even remotely close to the capacity for understanding me that I feel she has. Like any time there's a girl that things don't work out with I just end up thinking, whatever, it's OK, she would never have been able to get me like Sarah could anyway. I don't know what to do now. Just keep looking because there's someone else out there that I can feel like that with? (like I'm talking to someone right now and we sorta have something going but she's going really slow, and I have an attraction to her and tender feelings and caring for her, but I already can tell I don't have the potential to have a real soul-touching connection with her. And that's sort of what's brought it back to the forefront of my mind, that and knowing that Sarah recently broke up with a long-time boyfriend too, though we haven't talked about why). I'm not sure I'll ever meet that person though, Sarah is very unique.
Or do I have to address this somehow, and I don't know how--to be able to live with the fact I might never meet her or someone who makes me feel that same way (I generally don't let myself adopt thoughts in a pessimistic light like that though)? Or do I bring it up to her once again (thought it would be weirder since we talk a lot less now than originally or the other times I let her know I wasn't really over her, and it's supposed to be a couple years in the past), get her advice? I trust her to hear it appropriately and with thoughtfulness, but if she doesn't want a throwback to the past, and she very possibly might not, I don't want to do that either.
Ahh this is why I usually keep the Sarah door closed nowadays, I let it open and then it all just breaks in and destroys me.