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First girl blog, here we go:
I met Sarah about five years ago on a forum (I was 21 and she 23), and I was like instantly attracted to her through her posts and blogs. We had some similar life experiences and we ended up messaging a lot, reading each other's blogs and stuff and gradually we became like super close, confiding almost everything with a lot of emotional honesty, sharing thoughts about basically everything. She's extremely smart, has phenomenal taste in basically everything, has been faced with some similar issues and challenges as me (both dropped out of school multiple times, had mental health issues, stuff like that) and is by far the most thoughtful person I've ever known. And she's a fantastic, expressive writer, so it was always so easy to talk about things. The negative, alas, she lives thousands of miles away.
So basically you can probably tell I was definitely falling in love with her (the one time I think I've been actually in love). Because of the emotional honesty, I really couldn't avoid letting her know that--especially when she had vanished for a while from online (because of a crisis, I found out) and then came back. I wrote this beautiful laying out of how I sort of had grown this massive crush on her, and she wrote back this beautifully written letter about the impossibility of any actual relationship but not cause she had no feelings and that if we were actually around each other things probably would be happening between us. We both had our lives to focus on in our own places, and she needed to be with someone she could physically be with (and I think she said she'd actually moved solely for someone before and that it was a life mistake). So we still remained very close pen-pals though, I couldn't bear not having her to talk to. This was all still about 4 years ago or more. Burning desire cooled but I still had this like deeper love that continued to grow as we talked and grew, exchanging e-mails and still reading each other's blogs.
She was insistent about not even meeting in person though cause it would be too confusing and she's kept a careful shield about staying in separate worlds (it's also very refreshing to have someone totally outside every other part of your life to share with, I agree with that), she has had a couple boyfriends over this time. I wanted to hang out, but also saw the wisdom and respected her position. Here's how it's still a thing in my life though. No one I meet remotely compares to her, is the short of it. I've said I'm over her many times and believed it, cause I didn't like lay in bed longing for her to be there after a while, I was actively looked for people around me, and in other facets I became a lot more satisfied with my life. We gradually have talked a lot less frequently, now it's only once every few months maybe.
I crave physical gestures like everyone, and I do find people I can care about as well, but none of them are even remotely close to the capacity for understanding me that I feel she has. Like any time there's a girl that things don't work out with I just end up thinking, whatever, it's OK, she would never have been able to get me like Sarah could anyway. I don't know what to do now. Just keep looking because there's someone else out there that I can feel like that with? (like I'm talking to someone right now and we sorta have something going but she's going really slow, and I have an attraction to her and tender feelings and caring for her, but I already can tell I don't have the potential to have a real soul-touching connection with her. And that's sort of what's brought it back to the forefront of my mind, that and knowing that Sarah recently broke up with a long-time boyfriend too, though we haven't talked about why). I'm not sure I'll ever meet that person though, Sarah is very unique.
Or do I have to address this somehow, and I don't know how--to be able to live with the fact I might never meet her or someone who makes me feel that same way (I generally don't let myself adopt thoughts in a pessimistic light like that though)? Or do I bring it up to her once again (thought it would be weirder since we talk a lot less now than originally or the other times I let her know I wasn't really over her, and it's supposed to be a couple years in the past), get her advice? I trust her to hear it appropriately and with thoughtfulness, but if she doesn't want a throwback to the past, and she very possibly might not, I don't want to do that either.
Ahh this is why I usually keep the Sarah door closed nowadays, I let it open and then it all just breaks in and destroys me.
 
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Sweden33700 Posts
Comparing anyone to her sounds like a colossal mistake, since 1) she's probably pretty awesome but more than that 2) you have an idealized perception of her stemming from only (or even primarily) having known her online.
That's not saying you can't get to know someone online but it's always possible to filter the parts of you that you dont want to show to someone, whereas in reality it is generally not.
Anyway, cliff notes: appreciate people for who they are, dont lament over who they arent.
(I think there's a few people who know me who would find this post amusing if they saw it  --- this post being mine, not yours)
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Long-d just doesn't work. Period. Don't put yourself through that torture.
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"What do you do," Mr. K. was asked, "if you love someone?" "I make a sketch of the person," said Mr. K., "and make sure that one comes to resemble the other." "Which? The sketch?" "No," said Mr K., "the person." -Berthold Brecht
Get out of your brain. Go out there, have fun, meet people. Understand that, as Jinro already mentioned, it is likely that you're making her more perfect than she actually is because you want her to be that perfect. Ask yourself what good this behaviour does to you; - maybe it even helps because hey, if you know the perfect woman anyway you don't have to open up to others, you can avoid being hurt?
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On January 15 2013 18:51 Liquid`Jinro wrote:Comparing anyone to her sounds like a colossal mistake, since 1) she's probably pretty awesome but more than that 2) you have an idealized perception of her stemming from only (or even primarily) having known her online. That's not saying you can't get to know someone online but it's always possible to filter the parts of you that you dont want to show to someone, whereas in reality it is generally not. Anyway, cliff notes: appreciate people for who they are, dont lament over who they arent. (I think there's a few people who know me who would find this post amusing if they saw it --- this post being mine, not yours)
Oh I know about the idealized vision, we talked about it quite a bit, because it's something we actually appreciated being able to have, and we talked about how inevitable it is that we manipulate and control our images, but it was just like she had this intelligence and thoughtfulness that showed so much that I was totally sure that we could overcome the bumps as long as that was there at the core.
And comparisons, it's been drilled into my head so much not to make them, and with myself I'm getting really good at avoiding them; but this is my one comparison weakness because it's like a totally different feeling I've never felt anything comparable to, not just "x girl is better at this than y girl".
Thanks for the input so far everyone, now I can actually sleep tonight hehe.
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no offense, but she sounds crazy. I'd steer clear.
Disclaimer: Had a very deep relationship with a girl once, then she went batshit crazy and bolted. About 5 years after that, she threw herself off a cliff.
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Stop contact completely, wait a few months, do things and stay active with whatever it is you like doing, move on to the next girl.
It's always the same story, no matter how much people insist it is not and she/he is Neo, the chosen one. After a few months, it's all good.
What's hard to stop though is the feeling of "Oh if I had only done X, I'd have been able to Y her". But it's a good lesson for the next girl you meet.
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I agree with r.eVo. You need to get out the house and out of your head. You're overthinking this wayyyy too much. And idealizing the girl to an extreme. Plus, this girl is a total weirdo. Why would she spend hours and hours talking to somebody and investing in a relationship then purposely want to keep that relationship amputed and artificial? I feel like she's playing you for the fool, allowing you to give her all the emotional support and attention she wants, and giving nothing in return. In fact, less than nothing. You're getting saddled with a mental handicap in the form of being unable to establish meaningful connections with other girls because of your unrealistic obsession with her. It's terrible for you and I don't know why you'd maintain it. Stop agreeing with her, stop trying to convince yourself she's wise or some shit. She's not. She's using you as the nice guy.
"Oh, look, here's a guy who will talk to me whenever I want, and tell me I'm great and amazing, and I don't have to give up anything for him!" That's what women think on an instinctive level when they have the good fortune of running into a gift that keeps on giving. All your talk about meeting each other and relationship etc is just white noise to her. Some silly notion to slap down because it'll never happen. She's just saying whatever to placate you while keeping you in your place. As the nice guy. The emotional shield battery. Useful in times of crisis and all-ins, but otherwise ignored, and on most days never even seen. Nobody wants to waste a ctrl group on a shield battery. It's just something that helps create chokes and keep reaver/shuttle alive a little longer.
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On January 15 2013 22:00 SamsungStar wrote:
I agree with r.eVo. You need to get out the house and out of your head. You're overthinking this wayyyy too much. And idealizing the girl to an extreme. Plus, this girl is a total weirdo. Why would she spend hours and hours talking to somebody and investing in a relationship then purposely want to keep that relationship amputed and artificial? I feel like she's playing you for the fool, allowing you to give her all the emotional support and attention she wants, and giving nothing in return. In fact, less than nothing. You're getting saddled with a mental handicap in the form of being unable to establish meaningful connections with other girls because of your unrealistic obsession with her. It's terrible for you and I don't know why you'd maintain it. Stop agreeing with her, stop trying to convince yourself she's wise or some shit. She's not. She's using you as the nice guy.
"Oh, look, here's a guy who will talk to me whenever I want, and tell me I'm great and amazing, and I don't have to give up anything for him!" That's what women think on an instinctive level when they have the good fortune of running into a gift that keeps on giving. All your talk about meeting each other and relationship etc is just white noise to her. Some silly notion to slap down because it'll never happen. She's just saying whatever to placate you while keeping you in your place. As the nice guy. The emotional shield battery. Useful in times of crisis and all-ins, but otherwise ignored, and on most days never even seen. Nobody wants to waste a ctrl group on a shield battery. It's just something that helps create chokes and keep reaver/shuttle alive a little longer.
Uhhh... careful with trying to put blame on someone here please. She isn't responsible for his emotions and he isn't responsible for her emotions. Judging from what we know from OP they both seem to (or used to) just plain enjoy spending time together on a friendly level. Only difference being that he wants to take it to the next level and she doesn't want to. Him "getting saddled with a mental handicap in the form of being unable to establish meaningful connections with other girls because of his unrealistic obsession with her" is his issue, not hers.
Also, even if there is some kind of "a gift that keeps on giving without getting anything in return" in place then, well, in most cases the gift is simply being a dumbass.
5/5 for the emotional shieldbattery tho. =D
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here is a handy dandy little nugget of tl history that, after reading it, should pretty swifty replace any of those warm fuzzy feelings you have for this person with disgust with yourself for talking to someone that was a compulsive liar who looked like danny devito
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=43712
http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=44011
oh and just go out and talk to people. there's like 6billion people on the earth and there's more women than men. yay numbers! surely one of them can be as awesome a stranger on the internet who was able to filter out all of their negative traits by using an internet persona
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Such a good topic for a fic/drama... but ummm yes listen to these people and get her out of your head.
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You definitely need to move on. The way you describe her doesn't seem healthy in the slightest, and if you don't get her out of your head its going to ruin your future relationships.
I really want to 5/5 that post about emotional shield battery though lol
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while i agree that long distance generally doesn't work, it definitely can (but not in the long term.. you can't e-date forever, someone eventually has to move - 5 years ago i moved about 500 miles to live with the girl i'll be proposing to soon)
the real problem i see here for the other girls is that you have put sarah on a pedestal. you visualize her as the ideal/perfect girl for you - that is a real problem. before you do anything else (whether it be pursuing her or any other girls) you need to take her off the pedestal and understand that she is just another girl.. there are plenty of other girls out there who you can make connections with - i assure you. you don't even have to go bar-hopping.. try something like okcupid (it's where I met mine, though WoW is what we really started talking about at first.. bahaha)
hope this helps
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You are right, r.Evo. I should not try to assign blame. I am just trying to villify the girl in hopes it will help the OP get away from her  . I feel bad for him, coz the relationship is definitely hurting him mentally. Also, I've met girls that are emotional vampires before, and something about his descriptions of this girl makes me think she is one. But like you said, both these people have free will. Everything he does is by choice.
lol and happy to know ppl like the shield battery analogy xD
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Seeker
Where dat snitch at?33327 Posts
On January 16 2013 00:08 QuanticHawk wrote:here is a handy dandy little nugget of tl history that, after reading it, should pretty swifty replace any of those warm fuzzy feelings you have for this person with disgust with yourself for talking to someone that was a compulsive liar who looked like danny devito http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=43712http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=44011oh and just go out and talk to people. there's like 6billion people on the earth and there's more women than men. yay numbers! surely one of them can be as awesome a stranger on the internet who was able to filter out all of their negative traits by using an internet persona
Oo;;
What the f***?
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On January 16 2013 04:40 Seeker wrote:Show nested quote +On January 16 2013 00:08 QuanticHawk wrote:here is a handy dandy little nugget of tl history that, after reading it, should pretty swifty replace any of those warm fuzzy feelings you have for this person with disgust with yourself for talking to someone that was a compulsive liar who looked like danny devito http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=43712http://www.teamliquid.net/forum/viewmessage.php?topic_id=44011oh and just go out and talk to people. there's like 6billion people on the earth and there's more women than men. yay numbers! surely one of them can be as awesome a stranger on the internet who was able to filter out all of their negative traits by using an internet persona Oo;; What the f***?
You didn't know the Zia story? It was pretty fun - as a bystander that is. =P
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you've been around since 2005 and missed out on zia?
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seeker is a youngin who miraculously managed to stay pure in this crazy crazy internet world
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On January 15 2013 21:26 Kuni wrote:
Stop contact completely, wait a few months, do things and stay active with whatever it is you like doing, move on to the next girl.
It's always the same story, no matter how much people insist it is not and she/he is Neo, the chosen one. After a few months, it's all good.
What's hard to stop though is the feeling of "Oh if I had only done X, I'd have been able to Y her". But it's a good lesson for the next girl you meet.
This is what I've done, we have only exchanged life updates once in the past like 6 months. I'm not like sitting here day in and day out thinking about it and not doing other things cause of it. Like I said, the door stays pretty much closed, it just sneaks open every once in a while for like part of a day, but unfortunately that's just usually something that happens when I get to know a girl and she's not able to be as expressive and thoughtful, because it's a wonderful feeling to talk to someone who you know absolutely for certain gets you, like for example I say something about some habit or quirky philosophy I have, Sarah is usually responding something like "oh I see totally, that makes perfect sense though here's how I slightly differently react to that situation, or here's what I tell myself in response to that" or something, and all the other girls I meet tend to react something like "Hmm what? That's unusual/funny, *laughs*." Or even if they say a "yeah I see" but without more to it, maybe they do but you don't know for certain.
I expressed it all in dramatic terms cause that's how you do girl blogs, you have to seem a little crazy cause that's what love sort of is, but I know I'm not really living in a crazy, fantastical in my own head way about this and neither is she. I just need the last bit of strength or understanding to stop it from inappropriately popping into my head at times and briefly devastating me like yesterday.
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