As the new year gets closer and closer, i started to reflect on the year. One thing I remember is when gareth emery's Concrete Angel came out. I watched that music video quite a few times and I absolutely loved the song. In january 2012, I told myself with great confidence that this song was a top 10 song of the year...and it was only january.

Concrete Angels was recently announced as the tune of the year on a state of trance with armin van buuren. Tune of the year...out of the top 20 songs that were picked, this was #1 of 2012 on a state of trance. Such a great song, it undoubtly deserves first place, no contention of that haha

Being such a great song, I would have shared it with everyone who I knew liked trance, progressive, house, and electro.

Looking back again on 2012 but this time with a different focus, I realized that I didnt have anyone to share this amazing song with. Why? Well I am sure there are tons of people that would have enjoyed listening to this song if I shared it with them. I just never got to know anyone that well.

In fact, I spend 20-30 hours on my computer a week. I browse forums, play video games, and look up music. I just never made any friends. I remember when I was younger, more ignorant, there was seemingly no limit to the internets boundaries. This was really the first time I was exposed to a larger amount of diverse people, having come up in a very sheltered household.

Then I grew up. My heart became very hardened and suddenly, when I look back at 2012, I havent made a single "friend" that I still contact regularly. Of course there are these people whom you add, talk to once, and then never talk to them again that are added to anyones list of friends, be it a forum, an instant messenger, or a social media website.

Here I am though, with very little to show for 2012, and even less people to share memories and experiences with, like spreading around how great concrete angels was, still is.

I dont want 2013 to be like that. I have been living a very unfulfilling life. I have always convinced myself that things would be better in the future, when I am older, when I have more experience. But this kind of thinking hasnt done me much good for the past 4 years. It just postponed me having to confront my problems and delay the inevitable. Yes, I am a coward. I have been running from my problems, that is the truth. The bigger truth though is that I am running out of places to hide.

I was convinced that I was making progress, but the truth is that I havent. Contrary to anything I have thought, the results really speak for themselves. I also dont know what to think of anything anymore. I hope to be able to do some real soul searching this year and actually make a change in my life that will impact the next 4 years of my life positively rather than negatively.

My new years resolution is not going to be a specific list of goals that I want to achieve because I dont know what I want, and there is always doubt/uncertainty clouding my judgement and warping my perception of everything. Instead, it will be to do everything that I didn't do in 2012. Even though I dont know what direction I will be traveling, the only place I dont want to go is backwards.