EPTWhats the worst that can happen? She says no? That's not scary! It's beyond scary for me. I got super anxious and all sorts of reasons came up that tried to stop me. Constant validations that I was so good for her that I could do better than her, what if things were akward and our friendship would be ruined?
Silly irrational fears that were trivial matters to someone other than me, I was haunted by these fears. They creep up on you and then start to take over your mind with negative, dreadful thoughts. Almost always my outbursts out of this dreadful place would end with me returning back, making excuses to not take decicive actions. Why should I damage my already incredibly damaged ego? I would sulk back behind these curtains of lonliness and rationalize that I could just wait to confront these soulless demons inside me.
I texted her, said lets go out somewhere to eat, and that I would pick her up tomorrow around 6. I waited several minutes before she responded back. Although she responded in a relatively short time, pulling the covers over my head and closing my eyes was all I could do without bursting from anxiety and those seconds dragged on, each a lifetime of agony.
After seeing her reply back, I was at a loss of what to text. I went back into my bed and closed my eyes to try to relieve myself of my nervousness. A lot of shit came up in my head, my dark passenger wasnt going to give this one up easily. Immediately I think if I should even text her back. What if she doesnt text me back, maybe I will play hard to get and not respond for a couple hours (and then eventually not at all). This was silly. I wanted to skip the games and come straight out with what I wanted. The worst that could happen would be rejection or her ignoring my text and me cringing in suspense for the next couple days wondering if or when she would text me back. I reassured myself everything would be fine, but the kind of reassurance I recieved was hollow and felt fake.
After about half an hour of this drill and her agreeing to everything, I was ecstatic on my success! I had finally overcome what I conceived as the hard part. It was easy sailing from here.
Wrong.
The day of our dinner date, I woke up with about 5 hours to spare. I couldnt do anything. The only thing that occupied my mind was our dinner. I couldnt shake the thought out of my head. Finally I decided to close my eyes and just sleep. The comfort of my own bed was barely enough to give me relief and some temporary peace, but doing anything else was out of the option, I didnt posess the willpower dor anything else.
I finaly texted her again saying I was on my way. Although we already agreed on it the day before, I was still scared that she would flake or that something would go wrong. I didnt leave the house until she replied back because I didnt want to drive to her house in the snow and then get a text calling it off and have to drive back, shameful and alone and defeated with no hope left in the world.
After all of this, I was finally rewarded with some happiness restablished back in my mood. The car ride wasnt awkward, the dinnet was great, and even though she offered to pay her half, I told her I got it this time and next time she would pay for both of us.
I dropped her back at her house and she gave me a hug good bye. I had survived. In fact, contrary to all of my self doubts, I felt happy and proud of myself. I stuck it through, and things turned out better on the other side. I didnt have sex or share a romantic kiss, but I pushed outside my comfort zone and was able to get past my insurmountable level of insecurities.
Thx for reading, TL;DR version - dont bother reading it if you want a tldr lol
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