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I'm just gonna jump right in, because I need to vent and everyone I know is asleep right now. I've been friends with my girlfriend (who I'm going to call girl A for clarity) for just under two years, and we've been together for about one and a half of those years.
When we first met (ie when we were still friends), girl A had a really fucked up hate-relationship with one of my close female friends (who I'm gonna call girl B). I used to have feelings for girl B while I was in high school (4-6 years ago), and I slept with her once six years ago. A and B hated each other almost immediately upon meeting, both because they're the kind of people that just naturally could not get along, and because both of them sensed that there were residual or budding feelings between me and the other party, and jealousy sort of kicked in. I eventually ended up cutting off my relationship with my girl B because I couldn't balance maintaining my relationship with girl A and having a close friend that she constantly fought with, and we started dating shortly after.
This in and of itself wouldn't have been a big deal, but I neglected to tell my girlfriend that I had slept with girl B four years prior because they hate the shit out of each other and I thought she wouldn't date me if I told her we'd been together (especially since she still thought I was secretly into girl B). I kept this pretty much secret until tonight, when another one of my friends mentioned girl B and made a snide remark about us sleeping together.
Naturally, my girlfriend is/was extremely upset, and is now on the verge of dumping me because she insists I lied to her and can't trust me anymore. I unsuccessfully tried to argue that it was a lie of omission and that the fact that I slept with B wasn't really that big a deal since it was so long ago and hadn't happened since, but at this point I'm on a total freeze and don't really know what to do.
So anyway the point of this blog is: how the hell do I get my girlfriend to stop hating me? Am I fucked?
edit: obviously I have already apologized profusely
double edit: if you plan to respond by telling me that my girlfriend is a crazy bitch and I shouldn't feel bad for what I did, just don't bother. I am in the wrong, here, I'm trying to get back in her good graces. I don't want people to tell me that what I did was right because it absolutely was not. I want advice on what the fuck I should do so that she doesn't dump me
triple edit: she's basically cooled off for the most part so you guys can stop giving me advice, thanks for the help and listening to me whine.
 
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How do you get her to stop hating you? You stop being a pussy.
Now don't be offended. I get it. You like this girl. You have a relationship with her. You probably want that to continue. So my advice may not be the best for that scenario but it may be the best for you.
This whole thing is typical female bullshit. Did she ever ask if you slept with girl b? No? Then you never lied. It's not much different than her not telling you she thinks her lab partner in Chem is fucking hot. Does it matter? No! Will it make someone feel like shit? Yea, probably. But you didn't lie. And you have no reason to apologize.
If you break and constantly say your sorry that promotes this kind of dramatic bullshit. You are saying you were wrong. But you weren't. It may hurt her feelings but you did nothing wrong! So stand the fuck up for yourself. Hopefully she comes around and realizes the truth. If not, fuck her. Don't waste your time with this petty bullshit.
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On December 09 2012 18:41 Akamu wrote:
How do you get her to stop hating you? You stop being a pussy.
Now don't be offended. I get it. You like this girl. You have a relationship with her. You probably want that to continue. So my advice may not be the best for that scenario but it may be the best for you.
This whole thing is typical female bullshit. Did she ever ask if you slept with girl b? No? Then you never lied. It's not much different than her not telling you she thinks her lab partner in Chem is fucking hot. Does it matter? No! Will it make someone feel like shit? Yea, probably. But you didn't lie. And you have no reason to apologize.
Whether I had feelings for my (now former) friend was a constant topic of heated discussion, so I think it's pretty fair for her to argue that it's a major lie of omission that I didn't ever bother to inform her that I slept with her once. I never outright lied, no, but that's hardly an excuse. I very intentionally did not bring up the fact that we had slept together.
If you break and constantly say your sorry that promotes this kind of dramatic bullshit. You are saying you were wrong. But you weren't. It may hurt her feelings but you did nothing wrong! So stand the fuck up for yourself. Hopefully she comes around and realizes the truth. If not, fuck her. Don't waste your time with this petty bullshit.
I don't know, this isn't very helpful. I'm in agreement with her that I very much did something wrong, so I can't really take this as useful advice. I do think she's overreacting, but I don't think she's at all wrong to be upset.
Also, calling her reaction "typical female bullshit" is pretty offensive, dude. I'd be pissed if she'd fucked one of her close friends and never told me. :/
edit because I'm mad: "typical female bullshit?" seriously? don't give advice to people who are in long-term relationships if a moronic phrase like that is in your vocabulary, because you clearly have a very tenuous grasp on how actual real-life women think and behave, or are just blatantly stupid.
it's only natural she feels bad about the whole thing and trying to prove that you didn't lie won't matter. logic won't help you here. her reaction is more from insecurity more than anything so what you have to do is make her feel secure. give her assurance of your feelings and make it clear you want to be with her and not at all with girl B.
Yeah, I don't know if I made it clear, but I absolutely did not try to convince her that I didn't lie; I immediately owned up to it and apologized, the issue was that I did it in the first place, not that I stuck with the lie. I tried convincing her that she mattered more to me because I stopped talking to girl B for her sake, but it didn't really help me, as far as I can tell.
Do you think that giving her a gift is appropriate in this situation? I was obviously planning to buy her something anyway since it's christmastime, but I'm kind of worried that giving her something expensive would make her feel like I was just trying to pay her off for her forgiveness.
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You are wrong in thinking you did wrong. Who you slept with or didn't sleep with four years before you met your current girlfriend is completely irrelevant. She's a jealous bitch (yeah I know she's your girlfriend), and by making apologies all you do is empower her jealous side, which is really bad for both of you.
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She probably fucked people you don't like either so she should stop being difficult and accept that you had a life before meeting her.
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The only thing I've learned from TL blogs on bad relationships advice is to never make a TL blog for relationship advice.
If it's for something positive, like date ideas, then go for it. Asking TL to fix your dating problems is a terrible idea though.
edit: and i agree with your thinking on the gift. That is NOT the way to make up for it. You hurt her emotionally, you can't fix that with anything physical. Has to be emotional/mental repair. IE make up for it by proving that you're a good guy, admit you were in the wrong, and wait for her to (hopefully) cool off.
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There's a lot of truth in these responses.
I've been married 6 years, and before that I had a somewhat prolific sex life with multiple partners. My wife as well had other relationships before me. That's fine. We're together and without our previous experiences we wouldn't be the people we are. It's not something most people enjoy thinking about, your partner with another person, especially someone you don't particularly care for, but we are an amalgamation of life experiences. Until your girlfriend comes to that realization, the past is the past, and right now is only possible because of it, she's just too immature to be in a relationship. She has a right to be jealous, it is natural in small doses, but she doesn't have a right to hold that jealousy against you, she just needs to deal with her own emotions. Explain your side, and give her time to figure out her own shit.
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On December 09 2012 19:15 B.I.G. wrote:
She probably fucked people you don't like either so she should stop being difficult and accept that you had a life before meeting her.
That's really not the point at all, I don't think you get what I'm saying.
You are wrong in thinking you did wrong. Who you slept with or didn't sleep with four years before you met your current girlfriend is completely irrelevant. She's a jealous bitch (yeah I know she's your girlfriend), and by making apologies all you do is empower her jealous side, which is really bad for both of you.
The issue isn't that I slept with another girl four years before we started going out, the issue is that I didn't tell her. I really don't get how people can't see that from what I said.
Imagine that you're dating a girl who is really close with a guy friend, and you can tell pretty easily that they used to be more than friends, and possibly still have feelings for each other. You would probably talk to her about it, and if she convinced you that she didn't still have feelings for said dude but neglected to inform you that they'd slept together a couple years ago, you'd probably be pissed when you found out that they did a year and a half later from someone else.
also galtdunn, I'm starting to think you're right, but I'm hoping that there's at least a few people out there that know what they're talking about and can be helpful.
edit: HotShizz, I think there's some validity to what you're saying, at least. She is younger than me (she's 19, I'm 22) and I'm fairly sure she hasn't had a boyfriend before me, so she's pretty inexperienced with the whole thing, but I still can't really fault her for feeling betrayed (though, again, I do think she's over-reacting). She knows I've been with other girls and I know she's been with other guys but that's never been an issue until now.
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On December 09 2012 19:47 corpuscle wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2012 19:15 B.I.G. wrote:
She probably fucked people you don't like either so she should stop being difficult and accept that you had a life before meeting her. That's really not the point at all, I don't think you get what I'm saying. Show nested quote +You are wrong in thinking you did wrong. Who you slept with or didn't sleep with four years before you met your current girlfriend is completely irrelevant. She's a jealous bitch (yeah I know she's your girlfriend), and by making apologies all you do is empower her jealous side, which is really bad for both of you. The issue isn't that I slept with another girl four years before we started going out, the issue is that I didn't tell her. I really don't get how people can't see that from what I said. Imagine that you're dating a girl who is really close with a guy friend, and you can tell pretty easily that they used to be more than friends, and possibly still have feelings for each other. You would probably talk to her about it, and if she convinced you that she didn't still have feelings for said dude but neglected to inform you that they'd slept together a couple years ago, you'd probably be pissed when you found out that they did a year and a half later from someone else. also galtdunn, I'm starting to think you're right, but I'm hoping that there's at least a few people out there that know what they're talking about and can be helpful.
Yeah I find people on TL are kind of sex-crazed and lack empathy for women. Sounds about right for horny nerds though I suppose.
I think my advice was solid, if somewhat vague. I don't know your girlfriend, but you gotta find something you can do that shows her you still care very much for her and that you're sorry. Putting the blame on her as some of these assholes are suggesting will only exacerbate the problem.
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On December 09 2012 19:54 galtdunn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2012 19:47 corpuscle wrote:On December 09 2012 19:15 B.I.G. wrote:
She probably fucked people you don't like either so she should stop being difficult and accept that you had a life before meeting her. That's really not the point at all, I don't think you get what I'm saying. You are wrong in thinking you did wrong. Who you slept with or didn't sleep with four years before you met your current girlfriend is completely irrelevant. She's a jealous bitch (yeah I know she's your girlfriend), and by making apologies all you do is empower her jealous side, which is really bad for both of you. The issue isn't that I slept with another girl four years before we started going out, the issue is that I didn't tell her. I really don't get how people can't see that from what I said. Imagine that you're dating a girl who is really close with a guy friend, and you can tell pretty easily that they used to be more than friends, and possibly still have feelings for each other. You would probably talk to her about it, and if she convinced you that she didn't still have feelings for said dude but neglected to inform you that they'd slept together a couple years ago, you'd probably be pissed when you found out that they did a year and a half later from someone else. also galtdunn, I'm starting to think you're right, but I'm hoping that there's at least a few people out there that know what they're talking about and can be helpful. Yeah I find people on TL are kind of sex-crazed and lack empathy for women. Sounds about right for horny nerds though I suppose. I think my advice was solid, if somewhat vague. I don't know your girlfriend, but you gotta find something you can do that shows her you still care very much for her and that you're sorry. Putting the blame on her as some of these assholes are suggesting will only exacerbate the problem.
Yeah, blaming her is definitely the wrong way to go, and your advice was solid (you edited after I responded). I'll try to think of something non-superficial that I can do for her, I guess.
edit: and btw to support your claim that people are being sex-crazed horny nerds... jeez, guys, I lied to my girlfriend and I know I was in the wrong. I know that some women are crazy but believe it or not that doesn't apply to the whole gender.
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It's really none of her business who you've slept with prior to this relationship.
You've got nothing to apologise for. I can understand someone feeling uncomfortable finding out about their partner sleeping with someone they dislike but it was never your responsibility to tell her.
Wait it out to see if she gets over it and then, if she doesn't get over it, dump her and move on.
Akamu's post has the right idea.
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Well I'm with you corpuscle. feel free to ask/PM anything if you want my advice or opinion.
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Okay. I've been in a similar situation with my ex (we were together 1½ years).
I told my girlfriend (at the time) who I had and hadn't dated and slept with (if they were people still in my life). That included my friend Felicity. My girlfriend was jealous and couldn't handle me seeing my friend felicity. I ended up not seeing Felicity even though I wanted to because my girlfriend knew I had slept with Felicity 2-3 years prior to dating her.
Moral of the story: You were fucked either way you went. Telling her or not telling her. Had you told your girlfriend about you sleeping with B before you started dating you might not even have started. If you told her after she would - from what I understand from your posts - probably have been super mad and jealous back then. So instead of you dealing with it back then you are dealing with it now. But now you can't play the "I just want to be honest with you" card.
So how do you deal with it: You don't. Because it is not something you can fix. Only your girlfriend can change her perception of you and your past actions. You have to support her and comfort her until she either change her mind or get over it and hope nothing reminds her of the fact later on.
The guys here are right. Basicly it's none of her business who you slept with before you dated. But you can't tell her that. If you are in a serious relationship your life and all that comes with it is her life and vice versa. Get the best of a bad situation and talk to her A LOT. Explain and be honest in those discussion.
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I can see that it might upset her, but it would also upset me that if someone I was in a relationship with reacted to that extreme.
It's clear that it happened YEARS prior to you even meeting her. It's over. You ditched someone who was still a friend for her. I would think that would be a fairly strong comment on where your commitment is.
Did she ever ask you for a complete history of everyone you've ever slept with prior to her? Did she ever care about it before this? The only way I can think of that would make her reaction reasonable is if you had told her previously that you had never slept with anyone, and she was your first.
Maybe this is a chance to enter into a discussion of both your pasts. Although I think you're walking on a minefield, and it'll be a miracle if you get out of this without scars.
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I agree with Dirkzor. Really not much you can do in this situation. You've said everything you need to say, and I think she's heard your message loud and clear. But it still hurts her, so it will take time. DON'T keep apologising. I think you've communicated your sorryness very clearly and further apologising doesn't show more sorryness.
If you REALLY want to do something semi-drastic, you could try to follow what Hank Moody does. He is the king of seeking forgiveness after doing immoral and hurtful things to his partner like sleeping with his co-worker/student/random woman.
I recommend "sad clown" strategy. See first few minutes of season 5, episode 6 of Californication.
http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/player/divxstage.php?id=f47dba12cc3a0
your goal is to get her to secretly giggle. That's it.
Goodluck
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Honestly, I think she is being a little unfair on you, even though you probably should have told her in the first place. However, from my experience she is quite likely to come around and release she is being a little hard on you. Best of luck <3
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corpuscle,
So anyway the point of this blog is: how the hell do I get my girlfriend to stop hating me? Am I fucked?
edit: obviously I have already apologized profusely
double edit: if you plan to respond by telling me that my girlfriend is a crazy bitch and I shouldn't feel bad for what I did, just don't bother. I am in the wrong, here, I'm trying to get back in her good graces. I don't want people to tell me that what I did was right because it absolutely was not. I want advice on what the fuck I should do so that she doesn't dump me
I think this is an important thing to note. A lot of us here would rather take the abstract "who's technically right and wrong" approach, rather than the fact that you're in this current situation and you want some practical, realistic advice to make it through this problem in your relationship. I agree that the ball isn't completely in your court, but that doesn't mean that you can't do anything at all to try and help salvage your relationship. It's your goddamn relationship too, and if she dumps you, no amount of "well she dumped me so I get to be pitied!" is going to make you feel perfect.
First of all, you really shouldn't be fucked. Your girlfriend probably needs time to get over this, and the best you can do is show her you love her (as you've already apologized) by doing cute things for her (whatever she likes: flowers, make her dinner, etc.). It's pretty clear that you want to stay with her, and this is probably a good idea where you need to bend over backwards a little bit for your partner. There may very well come a time when she'll need to do the same.
Also, I'd recommend not continuously bringing up the topic of your ex-girlfriend unless she does (and if she does, try to smartly bring the topic back to you and your girlfriend, rather than your ex-girlfriend and anyone else). Show that the other girl means nothing to you by focusing all your attention on your girlfriend (if she'll let you). Every time you say something like "See? I love you and my ex-girlfriend meant nothing" compromises the sweet event with the reminder that you're doing this because you feel the need to prove yourself and compare her to that other girl, not just because you love your girlfriend. If you stop talking about that other girl, it's more likely that your girlfriend will stop thinking about her. (Or, at least, will stop being as angry with you about her.)
Good luck 
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Pandemona
Charlie Sheens House51490 Posts
Lol your mate is a right cock block huh? Haha, should slap him up for that. Also, your GF will be fine in a day or so, just keep grovelling, and buy her a nice xmas present
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Thanks for the advice, those of you that responded since my last post, it was a lot more helpful than what I was getting earlier. I think I'll probably buy her Mexican food (which she loves and I hate) and redbox Mean Girls (which she keeps trying to convince me to watch despite my protests), hopefully that'll cheer her up a little. 
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Mean Girls is actually okay... =) (Or you can just nod your head to the beat of Lindsay Lohan's breasts - not sure if this help your case at all though )
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On December 10 2012 04:26 corpuscle wrote:Thanks for the advice, those of you that responded since my last post, it was a lot more helpful than what I was getting earlier. I think I'll probably buy her Mexican food (which she loves and I hate) and redbox Mean Girls (which she keeps trying to convince me to watch despite my protests), hopefully that'll cheer her up a little.
Let us know how it goes when she dumps you.
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On December 10 2012 05:51 Fireflies wrote:Show nested quote +On December 10 2012 04:26 corpuscle wrote:Thanks for the advice, those of you that responded since my last post, it was a lot more helpful than what I was getting earlier. I think I'll probably buy her Mexican food (which she loves and I hate) and redbox Mean Girls (which she keeps trying to convince me to watch despite my protests), hopefully that'll cheer her up a little. Let us know how it goes when she dumps you.
Don't be a jerk. Sometimes, sacrifices need to be made to try and make your partner (or people in general) feel better.
corpuscle, as a math nerd who enjoyed the short amount of time when Lindsay Lohan was actually attractive, I found Mean Girls to be enjoyable (back in, like, middle/ high school) Good luck
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On December 09 2012 19:47 corpuscle wrote:Show nested quote +You are wrong in thinking you did wrong. Who you slept with or didn't sleep with four years before you met your current girlfriend is completely irrelevant. She's a jealous bitch (yeah I know she's your girlfriend), and by making apologies all you do is empower her jealous side, which is really bad for both of you. The issue isn't that I slept with another girl four years before we started going out, the issue is that I didn't tell her. I really don't get how people can't see that from what I said.
You are mistaking the consequence for the cause. It is doubtless that if your sleeping with that other girl was not an issue, you would in fact have told her.
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What I was trying to say was (and some others apparently have the same view) that you shouldnt let her make you feel guilty about something completely innocent you did. It's not fair of her to give you shit for something like this. Not telling her is a completely reasonable thing to do and she should realise that.
UNLESS she specifically asked you about stuff like this and you lied about it, if that would be the case I can imagine why she'd be upset.
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You could've turned it to your advantage - you can say to her in a mischevious smile - "Now's your chance to be better than my memory of her!" Girls love love love this sort of stuff. If you appease her, you're heading for the breakup door - see where appeasement got Britain during WWII.
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On December 10 2012 17:40 Azzur wrote:
You could've turned it to your advantage - you can say to her in a mischevious smile - "Now's your chance to be better than my memory of her!" Girls love love love this sort of stuff.
That'll work great, if your goal is to not be in a relationship anymore. Yes, please allude to fond memories of her because most women aren't jealous nor insecure enough as it is.
It's all really simple and what I'm going to say here can answer about 80% of the "what do I do" questions posted in these girl blogs. What you should do is apologize. It's not about what is right, what makes sense, one-up-man-ship, winning, or anything like that. If you care about the person, the particulars don't matter. Recognize that you upset them through your actions (or in this case, non-actions), swallow your pride and apologize. Even if something might be irrelevant to one party doesn't mean it's irrelevant to the other.
You can appeal to some sense of understanding: "I'm sorry that I kept this from you, but it was before we were together and I didn't want any past events to taint our relationship. I realize now that I should have been more honest with you, knowing that this is something that would make you upset. If you're willing to believe me that nothing that happened before we were together has any bearing on my relationship with you, then I promise that I won't keep anything like this from you again."
etc.
If you can tell yourself honestly "the reason I didn't tell her was because I honestly didn't think it'd matter," then that's one thing. But don't fool yourself. You kept your mouth shut because you knew she'd be pissed off. So that's on you. It's like "oh hey, btw, now that we're married I should tell you that I'm a registered sex offender. But that was from before we were married so whatev!"
Come on.
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You've said you have already apologize, so there really isn't much else you can do. Hopefully when you apologized you were sincere and specifically brought up her points while apologizing. For example, her bitching you out and then just saying, 'I'm sorry' doesn't really cut it, you need to affirm that you understand what she's saying and that you're getting what she's saying to you, so more like, 'You're right, I shouldn't have X, I knew you would have wanted to know but I felt that Y, but that's no excuse and I apologize' - some shit like that is golden. Then just give her time and you'll be good to go.
Anyone saying, 'Man you weren't wrong!' and 'Tell that bitch to stfu' or things like that - ya'll clearly haven't been in a relationship that has meant anything. The saying, 'You can right or you can be happy' is a joke, but it's somewhat true because when someone is hurt, it's going to be really tough to pull off putting all the blame on one person, even if it was all their fault, no one wants to feel like they 100% fucked up, especially women.
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The Daniel Tosh Defense: "I'm sorry you were offended," doesn't count as an apology.
And like Salv says, it's not about being 'right'. Right is a grey-area term in a relationship because you're always working context of compromise.
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geez, men are stupid.
the problem here isn't that you didn't tell her about sleeping with a girl before you met. the problem is that you didn't tell her about sleeping with a girl that she hates before you met.
go apologize again, but this time tell her the truth; that you were afraid she wouldn't give you a chance if she knew. make sure to include that you were wrong for not telling her sooner, that nothing between you and girl B will ever happen again, and that she (girl A/your girlfriend) means a thousand times more than girl B ever did. remind her (in a subtle way) about how you gave up all contact and friendship with girl B for her (girl A/your girlfriend). tell her if you ever had to pick between the two of you, you'd choose her (girl A/your girlfriend) every single time. tell her that if you had met her (girl A/your girlfriend) earlier, you never would have hooked up with girl B. then tell her you love her and will give her some time to think things through, but that you'd really like to make things work. and bring flowers. if you know her favorites, get those. if not, bring red roses. also sending flowers to her workplace, if she works in an office environment, is nice.
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EPT
