EPTI don't see a point anymore - Page 2
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Caihead
Canada8550 Posts
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firehand101
Australia3152 Posts
+ Show Spoiler + Very Important Video^^ Once you realize this, you will realize that you are lucky in every way possible, and every day is a blessing. All of that proactive stuff you are trying to do is great, but just start with yourself first, and stop trying to make everything as complicated as it really is. 'We are going to die...and that makes us the lucky ones'  use every minute of every day to the fullest | ||
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aliquis
Austria38 Posts
I read everything you wrote, i think i kind of know how you feel, when i was attending high school , while i was sitting in the bus in the morning i was imagining a nuclear missle hitting the area to end it all almost everyday. To be honest my life was shit, and i think yours is like shit too but that is not your fault. There are things we can change and some we cant, back then i tried many times to change, reform myself but to no avail. I can only give you one advice, if your life is shitty first accept that, i mean accept that the circumstances make your life shitty not your personallity, you say you get little sleep, not eating meal regulary no social activities no close friends etc. that are some shitty circumstances i think no one would be able to have a fulfulling life with, its not your personnalitie fault because you tried your best, no one could expect you to do more then you are capable of. Don't try or act like you are someone you are not. Change the things that are in your power to change, even if they are little. One can't change his personnality but you can change sleeping habits, meals, you can talk to your best friend, you can talk to your sister or family that you are not doing so well etc. | ||
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Matoo-
Canada1397 Posts
If I've understood your situation wrong then stop reading here. If I haven't, then feel free to open the spoiler below and keep reading. + Show Spoiler + Your hole is a prison cell. A prison cell with an unlocked door. But you've spent so much time there, and the world outside looks so full of things you don't know how to handle, that you just stay in. And you feel miserable. What's surprising about that? A prison cell is a miserable place to live in. You can lie to yourself for some periods of time by setting up a computer in your cell and playing CS 24/7 and telling yourself "oh this isn't a prison cell alright it's a pretty nice place and I'm happy to be there". But reality always ends up setting back in, and after the glow of the screen fades out, you look around yourself and realize you're still in the same shitty prison cell you've always been in all along. What advice can I give you now? None specific. I can tell you that you're not the first person to be in such a prison cell. And I can tell you that many have broken free. How that happens, I believe, is different for each one of us. But it often hinges on the outside world, on the world we glimpse at through steel bars. This outside world is what can lure us out, sometimes forcefully, and make us suddenly realize one day: I'm happier here. I don't want to go back. Student life is a world that could never have done that for me. During all these years I never came close of leaving my cell. I even pretty much gave up on leaving it one day. But I kept living and going on anyway. After some years I eventually finished my studies and got my first job. Instead of solving rote problems with predictable patterns at school, I now had to solve practical issues, with the method completely left up to me. The outside world started to look a bit brighter. And then this same job started sending me to missions to the countryside of China. The outside world was now something I had never seen before and I was drawn to it. Being white and a tall nerd, in the countryside I was a rarity. Heads were turning and kids were staring wherever I went, and that stroked my ego. People were engaging conversation with me, and as opposed to talking with other French people at home, we were all way too busy working through language issues and bartering about our respective countries for it to ever become awkward. The fact that I needed all of that is pathetic of course. But big things have small beginnings, and that was my beginning. I haven't been back in my cell since. So my advice would be to just hang on. The outside world around you right now obviously fails to draw you out of your cell. So the best you could do would be to proactively change this outside world. You can do that by opting for crazy and unsafe choices whenever you can, such as getting a very challenging job or going to some wild country for a year for studies or internship or even some humanitarian work. Anything goes, really. But I wouldn't be surprised if you kept doing nothing. You feel safe in your current environment and might be too scared to risk anything to upset it. That's fine. Life won't always play by your rules. Life has a nasty tendency of putting people into all kinds of unforeseen situations and it will happen to you too. So just hang on, try to upset your life if you have the balls for it, and one day you'll break free. I'm confident you will. Good luck anyway. Edit: You should also try the more practical ideas that other people have shared in this thread (such as living a healthier life to begin with) as they can only have positive results. But even if they don't then just hang on. | ||
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ForgottenMemory
United States13 Posts
And that's totally fine. As for pretty much everything in life, quality > quantity. I'd rather have one or two close friends than a hundred acquaintances that don't really give a shit about me. Sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to fit in. Please don't conform just for the sake of conforming, that's dumb. Yay for being different rather than just another one of the masses that sleepwalks through life. Hang in there and survive your classes, and spend your time getting to know yourself and improving yourself. Writing is great, write down all the things you can think of that to you have positive value, and also things that have negative value to you. Putting things down in writing really gives a lot more clarity and vision towards your view on life. | ||
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Blisse
Canada3710 Posts
I just wanted to clarify a bit though. I have no intentions of committing suicide. I think about it, but I will never do it. Partly because I'm a coward, and partly because I feel like that's the coward's way out of everything. You might say I'm an optimist because I always hope that the next day is better than the last even though that has almost never been the case. I enjoy living, in the sense of breathing in, breathing out, and just experiencing life. But I don't consider what I've been doing as living, or more accurately, living properly. I have spent the last 4, no, probably the last 19 years living in this sort of hole, emotionally isolated and distant from everyone. Sure I have "friends", but I've never had any real connection. When I hear about people hanging out with their friends all the time, I just feel jealous, because I've never experienced anything of the same sort. And when I do, it always feels like I'm isolated from the group. I don't have the same sort of opinions and attitudes as others. I don't have the capacity to make friends. Around the people I do interact with, "my friends," after lots of self-reflection and thinking I often feel like I'm more of an accessory to them or just someone that's just...around. It rarely feels like I'm ever friends with someone because they enjoy my company. Either I provide some use to them or I'm just attached and they're too nice to tell me to buzz off. Either way, it's deflating. You know that feeling when people don't respond to your text messages or instant messages? Yeah. Could be just low self-esteem as well. Continuing on, I've always felt this way, but I really wanted to change. Something like find a group of friends who genuinely enjoyed my company, actually "live". And that was my motivation to overcome some sort of mental barrier that's made me so hostile and distant from people. When I met my girlfriend, it was more like she accepted me for the shitty person I was, and that was okay with me. I actually forgot about all these problems because I had finally found someone who accepted me. But I never wanted someone to accept me. Over time, I grew complacent with the way I was, the shitty way I was, and at one point over the summer break, I realized that. People will tell me, it's okay to be yourself. You should like who you are, and accept it, and move forward knowing that you are who you are and there's nothing you can do about it. Well, I don't know. Maybe I have a tendency to over-think everything, as some of my friends have pointed out. But I really hate being myself. I really hate myself. That's the shittiest part of it all. I hate every time I screw up when I talk to someone. I hate every time I screw up a relationship with a friend. I hate all my inadequacies. And I'm trying to work hard to improve them. But at the same time, I want people to like me, but how can I expect people to like me if I don't even like myself? It's a weird place I'm in. | ||
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Recognizable
Netherlands1552 Posts
She was brown and I'm asian, so there was a lot of tension there in my mind, even though whenever she asked me I always felt obliged to say everything was okay with that situation. I kept trying to fight back that, "ugh, being with a brown girl feels wrong." And everytime I thought about that feeling, I beat myself up inside for thinking such shitty things about my girlfriend. It was a pretty shitty time. I mean, I really enjoy being around her, but it hurt thinking about these things. Racist much? Or is this just the superficial asian culture again? | ||
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obesechicken13
United States10467 Posts
On October 25 2012 09:17 Blisse wrote: She was brown and I'm asian, so there was a lot of tension there in my mind, even though whenever she asked me I always felt obliged to say everything was okay with that situation. I kept trying to fight back that, "ugh, being with a brown girl feels wrong." And everytime I thought about that feeling, I beat myself up inside for thinking such shitty things about my girlfriend. It was a pretty shitty time. I mean, I really enjoy being around her, but it hurt thinking about these things. Also, she failed a pretty easy course, and almost failed a couple of other courses. I've always been kind of a nerd and my marks hang out in the top 20% of the class, so it's something that sometimes floated across in my mind. And then I think about how shitty a person I am to think like that about my girlfriend, and again, beat myself up internally. I'll read through this all eventually but it's a lot. Can you elaborate on why you broke up with her? Because she's brown? Is she too into her religion and is her way of thinking too different from yours? Were you worried she'd be too dumb/lazy and a liability towards your future success and happiness in life because of it? When I'm waiting for the bus, I think, how would it feel to just fall in front of the bus and get run over? I tell myself that everyday, and I know it's true. I'm just not a fun person to be around. I do nothing amazingly well that distinguishes me from others. I don't talk to people well. I don't like people. I don't see the good in things. I don't compliment people unless it truly astounds me. I always talk down to people. I always think I'm better and try to justify the reasons. I don't think about other people's feelings when I talk. I don't restrain myself. All my negativity and depression and failures have really fucked up my life. I've lost my ability to control my sleeping habits. I sleep at 8 PM some days and 5 AM the other. I'm losing control of my school schedule. I'm missing classes I shouldn't miss. I have no motivation to study for exams. I don't see the point in studying because I don't see the point in doing well. It doesn't motivate me anymore. The only reason I study is because I'm scared shitless of failing and disappointing my parents. I don't play games, I don't do work. I sit here and endlessly browse nothingness. Then I browse it again. I don't eat proper meals. Some days I wake up at 3 PM, miss two meals, eat dinner at 6 PM and sleep. Some days I wake up at 7 AM and eat 1 meal all day. Some times I eat dinner at 11 PM and another snack at 3 AM. I don't understand anymore. I'm very similar in all of these ways and more. I often feel like I'm too dumb. Overall what someone said in the blog sounds right. I'm always amazed at how many dumb things I've done as a child when I look seriously. But Nostalgia's rose tinted glasses give a different cursory review. And to be honest the things that mattered to me in middle school, in high school, don't matter to me anymore. It's all the people I've met and the real friends that I keep now that matter. | ||
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