Sure I indulge in some liquor from time to time to get my mind off of my own self pity, but not to the extent that I'm mirroring the same alcoholic behavior she was before she died. Why am I the only one around here that isn't breaking down into tears at random parts of the day when they hear music that reminds us all of her, not just the one doing the crying?
My dad made mention that he thinks he feels depressed for the first time truly in his life. When he actually went and described the symptoms, it reminded me of symptoms I have to deal with on a regular basis, to be reminded that there are people out there that don't feel that way until it's caused by the death of a family member, invites me to criticize my own depression as being self inflicted and the cause of just a weak sense of will power, like I really had no reason for feeling that way in the first place, THIS is what should be causing depression, not whatever shit was causing mine before.
And yet.... when push comes to shove and actual tragedy occurs, I'm the one holding everyone else up. How the fuck does this make any sense? Shouldn't I the one that's always dealing with depression be the one that's a mess? Am I just better at holding in my emotions because I've had a lot of experience doing it? Is that even healthy behavior to be engaging in? If not, would it be preferable to be breaking down the way others around me seem to? Is my lack of outward grief a sign of disrespect? Of true apathy? No, I don't think that last part's true, but at the same time I can't help but feel somewhat ashamed of just how little I seem to be reacting to everything.
Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. Maybe I'll be worse off than everyone in a few years, maybe I won't. It's just at the moment the whole situation is confusing me and I don't know what to think.