EPTWhen I was young, around Kindergarten and first grade, while the other boys were playing tag and kickball and other “boy” things, I was playing house with one of the girls in the class. I didn’t feel there was anything wrong with this and I don’t think the school did either (despite it being a Catholic school). I think if they had of fought it early on, I may have realized much sooner in life that I didn’t want to be a boy/man anymore, but I think because they ignored it and let me be that it took self-discovery of this fact longer for me to realize. I wasn’t trying to wear dresses or carry a purse, I was just playing house (usually when I think of people playing house the first image that comes to mind are two young girls playing out their fantasy dream life and the boy next door whose always making fun of them for being so “girly”).
Sometime between first and second grade I think I asked my mom for the first time if I could get my nails painted. I was turned down with a simple “Boys don’t do that. Besides you don’t take care of your nails as is, it would just be a waste.” I kind of took it as an early acceptance that, I’m a boy and I’m supposed to act like it, even if I don’t like it. I definitely wanted to paint my nails, but I didn’t push the issue, I didn’t want to get in trouble for still wanting to do what boys weren’t supposed to do.
About second grade though I really wasn’t playing house anymore, and I started to do more “boyish” activities, though a lot of the girls were doing them as well (there were a LOT of tomboys in my school that I grew up around, so my idea of what a girl did was not make up and dress up and purses). We played tag and played on the swing and we would run through the swing set (while people were swinging of course) and try and dodge them and make it to the other side. It was fun, thinking back, it wasn’t as fun as playing house though, but alas those days had passed me.
Elementary school went pretty smoothly from there, I used to go over to some female friends’ houses occasionally and play with them. They were never into really girly stuff (though I wish they had of been…) and we would play all sorts of stuff (and some of what we did could have been perceived as “girly” but at that age a lot of activities can just be considered gender neutral). I used to always have the lead role in plays, but I quit acting in fifth grade, I was trying to be more “boyish” and men weren’t supposed to act, that was for women. I regret that decision, acting was an escape. Sure I had to play the male lead role, but I was only pretending. It wasn’t me! I didn’t understand the feeling at the time, but I knew something felt right when I was pretending to be a boy on stage versus when I was actually a boy in the eyes of others.
+ Show Spoiler +
Middle school was where things first REALLY got interesting for me thinking back. I was beginning to lose my faith in Catholicism and I had just established my first real best friend. We were practically inseparable; we were always at one another’s house and hanging out all the time (we were practically dating and really kind of were!). This is the first person I explored my sexual identity with, and at the time I didn’t know, also the first person I explored my gender identity with. We began playing truth or dare (more of a girls game I know, but we did it cause we could and didn’t think anything of it!) and it eventually turned into, skip the truth and dare and let’s just fuck! I enjoyed it, to an extent, but I felt really uncomfortable at the same time. He was much more equip and much more confident with his body. I was so timid and embarrassed of my body. It wasn’t exactly known to me at the time why, but I do understand now.
Looking down at my penis, I felt so inadequate (and still do) and that something just wasn’t right. I could never pinpoint it, I just knew that I was stuck with it and I’d have to learn to accept it. I would occasionally push the shaft and balls between my legs and close my legs and look down and not see it and feel comforted by the thought, but I never associated this directly with how I woman feels when she looks down and doesn’t see a penis staring her in the face. I would pray at night that I could wake up the next morning as a girl (though I had pretty much forsaken “God” at this point and knew deep down that my prayers were going nowhere). It was so bad some nights though, that I would cry during these prayers, and I would try and find faith to make my prayer stronger so that maybe it would be answered maybe I could just wake up as a girl and be happy and no one would care or remember that I was a boy before, but obviously this never happened, I remained a boy. I never told anyone of this experience, not even my best friend/boyfriend at the time. “Men weren’t supposed to cry. Men were supposed to suck it up and deal with what life gave you.” It wasn’t fair, but I learned to accept that (and I’m on the verge of tears just thinking back on how wrong I was! I wasn’t a man. I’m not a man! I’m not supposed to accept what life gave me because life screwed me over at birth, but I refuse to let that get me down anymore!).
One of the greatest things we ever did when I was with my best friend/boyfriend, was when I found two skirts in my house’s spare bed room. I tried them on before ever suggesting them to him, but once I found how comfortable they were, I brought up the idea of roleplaying as girls and then having sex. He agreed and I felt so much more comfortable when we did this, it felt more natural to me. I don’t know how he felt, but I enjoyed it. And even when we weren’t having sex, I would still where one of the skirts at night when we were doing other things (though not all the time, but quite a bit).
Looking down at my penis, I felt so inadequate (and still do) and that something just wasn’t right. I could never pinpoint it, I just knew that I was stuck with it and I’d have to learn to accept it. I would occasionally push the shaft and balls between my legs and close my legs and look down and not see it and feel comforted by the thought, but I never associated this directly with how I woman feels when she looks down and doesn’t see a penis staring her in the face. I would pray at night that I could wake up the next morning as a girl (though I had pretty much forsaken “God” at this point and knew deep down that my prayers were going nowhere). It was so bad some nights though, that I would cry during these prayers, and I would try and find faith to make my prayer stronger so that maybe it would be answered maybe I could just wake up as a girl and be happy and no one would care or remember that I was a boy before, but obviously this never happened, I remained a boy. I never told anyone of this experience, not even my best friend/boyfriend at the time. “Men weren’t supposed to cry. Men were supposed to suck it up and deal with what life gave you.” It wasn’t fair, but I learned to accept that (and I’m on the verge of tears just thinking back on how wrong I was! I wasn’t a man. I’m not a man! I’m not supposed to accept what life gave me because life screwed me over at birth, but I refuse to let that get me down anymore!).
One of the greatest things we ever did when I was with my best friend/boyfriend, was when I found two skirts in my house’s spare bed room. I tried them on before ever suggesting them to him, but once I found how comfortable they were, I brought up the idea of roleplaying as girls and then having sex. He agreed and I felt so much more comfortable when we did this, it felt more natural to me. I don’t know how he felt, but I enjoyed it. And even when we weren’t having sex, I would still where one of the skirts at night when we were doing other things (though not all the time, but quite a bit).
Well eighth grade came and my world came crashing down around me. I lost my best friend and my boyfriend all at the same time (we had an open relationship that we both agreed on, but my girlfriend at the time did not know about this and she ended up sneaking behind my back and seeing my best friend and neither said anything about it, had I been told I would not of cared, but the fact that they didn’t want to tell me is what hurt me the most). Life hit a real low at this point. I went into an anti-social shell, I didn’t let people in, nor did I want to. I hated people, they were untrustworthy and scheming. Friends were meaningless and pointless; they didn’t care about you in the slightest. My life began to spin out of control. This was also the only time in my life I tried a polyamorous and I will never try it again. As I've grown older I've only desired monogamy and dependence on a single significant other (though I really haven't dated at all in the past few years).
The school’s social worker (though not licensed) tried to diagnose me as suicidal and homicidal and a threat to the student body. She kept trying to talk to me and help me; though her real agenda is she just wanted me to get kicked out (she made this very clear to my mother). I went to counseling with a certified therapist who specialized in suicidal, destructive behavior. She determined I was just having a hard time after I explained how I lost so many friends all at once and had no one to turn to. I never told her about the explicit activities me and my best friend did, or the skirts that I enjoyed wearing and she never seemed to press to find that hidden token of knowledge. She was just after finding out how emotional stable, or unstable, I was. Her diagnosis was that I was perfectly fine and just going through a rough patch, but there was nothing to worry about. With a great relief we ended up getting’ the principal, the guidance counselor/social worker, the president and a few teachers fired because they were trying so hard to present false information to have me removed. Suffice to say, they were not happy that I won so easily.
In high school I discovered World of Warcraft thanks to a child hood friend. It was a great escape from reality and I ended up addicted to it (for about two years). I could just be myself when I played, I didn’t care what people thought, they didn’t know me and I didn’t know them. I played a female blood elf warlock, and though the gender is irrelevant for most people, for me it was a means of identity. Sure tons of “normal” straight men played female characters simply because they didn’t like looking at a male character, for me it was different. I connected with the character. It felt right “being her.” People treated me like I was a girl in the game and very few people knew I was actually a boy (until I told them later of course). I did not make only girl characters when I played, I made a few male characters, but I never really “connected” with them like I did my warlock (and later my paladin). They were fun to play, but they weren’t me.
I never really explored this though. I just played it and let it be my escape from reality and I enjoyed that. That was enough for me, the real world sucked anyways. Well ninth grade I had switched schools to public school, I was no longer at the private school that didn’t want me anyways. I had lost all faith in “God” at this point, but I still would cry at night wishing I could become a female. That I would wake up and miraculously be a woman. I even made challenges to a “God” that if it happened I would give him my faith til the end of days. Well, he doesn’t have my faith and at the rate he’s going, he never will!
The concept of someone being transgender was never known to me. (I had heard of trannies before, but it was always negative and never the truth). I didn’t know there were people in the world just like me that didn’t want to be what their body was born as. People that didn’t feel comfortable in their body because they weren’t a boy or a girl, that their plumbing was all messed up. I felt alone and I didn’t tell anyone, I just kept “Being a man. Men weren’t supposed to cry. Men were supposed to suck it up and deal with what life gave you.” God I wish I hadn’t of let testosterone control my life. I wish I would’ve been smart enough to research and realize what was wrong with me. Life had thrown me a curve ball and I was just going to accept it at that point and had already done so.
Not much notably happened in high school, it was just the same thing every so often at night, I would cry and wish I was a female and send false prayers to harass a “God” I knew didn’t exist. And I kept sucking it up the next day and going to school acting like nothing was wrong. This is who I am and I’m stuck dealing with “Being a man.”
I didn’t start exploring my identity issues until the summer before I started college. I had just come to terms with the fact that I was bisexual. I denied it for four years! I was homophobic beyond belief. I was depressed when I thought of a man as handsome/sexy…it was shameful, and I wasn’t even religious! But I overcame this with the help of probably one of my best online friends ever. I met her in World of Warcraft. We never really talked until I quit raiding with the best of the best. When I turned into a casual player, I started hanging out with her, and the old guild master. We would do everything together, and constantly talking. She was one of the first people I could confide in since middle school. It was so refreshing to be able to open up to someone and discover stuff about myself and bring a label to my confusion! I may have told her once or twice about my desire to be a woman, but I never really made a big deal out of it. She told me a few times that I would make an amazing woman and she would even jokingly tell me “You are such a woman! GOD!” and maybe she knew, maybe she was just joking, she won’t tell me.
She never told me what transexuality and transgendered were, we never discussed the subject. She would just tease me occasionally about how I’d make a great woman and that I was more of a female than her at times! This made me feel so good! I wanted to hear that, I wanted to feel like a woman! My toes would curl, I would get all warm, and I’m pretty sure I would blush really hard! It meant so much for me to hear that, especially from her! And I would feel it too, I felt like a woman when she said that to me.
Well we both ended up quitting World of Warcraft, but we stayed in contact through texting and Skype. And I still talk to her occasionally. It’s the best friend feeling when I talk to her, we can go a month without saying anything and randomly send a text to each other as if we never stopped texting each other. She’s like a maternal figure to me. I have no issues with my mom, but I don’t connect with her like I do with this woman I met over World of Warcraft! I had no romantic or sexual feelings towards her, but I love her like I love my own mom! I just want to cuddle up with her and be comforted, but unfortunately, she lives across the country with her boyfriend. But I can still talk to her and I guess that is enough to ask for! Everyone needs one of her, she’s just that special!
After World of Warcraft I began playing StarCraft 2 and Modern Warfare 3 with some friends. We had a blast, but life struck again and I hit another low. I despised a game called League of Legends and made it perfectly clear how much I hated it. Well they began playing and I had no issues, I still hung out with them, I just refused to play it. That wasn’t good enough for one friend though, she completely threw me to the curb because I refused to play League of Legends with the group. So I ended up parting ways with them and again, I went into an anti-social shell because the people I got along with best, fellow gamers would abandon me so easily over something as simple as a game! I felt so lost and untrusting again and went back into a shell, my only source of trust was my motherly friend.
I ended up going solely to StarCraft 2 at this point. Modern Warfare 3 began to bore me, it was way too easy and I was way too good, but the competitive scene only existed for the PlayStation 3 and I played on the computer. StarCraft 2 is where I first learned about transgendered people thanks to an LGBT group on the forums (I had heard of the term “tranny” before and I always felt something was wrong with this term, and was taught that it was wrong, but I had no real knowledge. Thanks to StarCraft 2 I actually got educated. It wasn’t the game that educated me, but a transwoman who played the game). The group was called “Gay StarCraft Players” and though I was bi, they accepted me with open arms, and anyone else LGBT related, but the group was mostly gay men, so they just left the name as is.
This is where I met the first transwoman ever. She was a StarCraft 2 player, and she posted in the “Gay StarCraft Players” thread on Team Liquid’s website. She opened up the opportunity for anyone curious about transgender issues to feel free to send her a private message. I instantly jumped on that ship and asked away! I even tried to indirectly ask her if I was possibly transgendered, but she told me she couldn’t answer that, only I could. It was disheartening to hear that, but it’s the truth. I soaked in all the knowledge, watched all the videos she sent me and I felt weird. I wasn’t like most people, I didn’t realize it from a young age, but I definitely felt it at my current age (this was about a year or so ago, I think it was just before I turned twenty). I had no clue what to do. Was I transgendered; was I just hopeful that I was? She did tell me that I was most likely genderqueer at the least, since I was questioning my identity.
So for the next year or two it has been kind of tossing around in my head of “What am I?” I knew I was bisexual for sure (panromantic and asexual if you want to be really technical). But I kind of put the thoughts to the side. I didn’t really know what I could do about it. You could almost say I was afraid, but it wasn’t fear or self-loathing I felt. It’s a hard feeling to describe. It’s a feeling you have to experience and know to understand it, there is no words to describe it.
Well about a month or two ago I joined reddit and I was quickly drawn to /r/bisexual and slowly started expanding on other parts of the LGBT topic. I discovered /r/genderqueer, and though I don’t think I ever posted once there, I saw a link to /r/asktransgender. I posted a kind of “What am I?” topic and got some great feedback! The community is wonderful! Just as wonderful and accepting as /r/bisexual, and now I realize, this community is even better! I love this subreddit, I love seeing new topics and being able to provide advice that is helpful! This is the subreddit that helped me open my mind. I found it on the day that my mind first went into panic mode. All I could think of was “Am I really a woman? Am I really more than just genderqueer? Do I know what I am and I’m just not accepting it?” I couldn’t focus on school, gaming, or anything. Friday was the same, and so was Saturday. I couldn’t focus on work Saturday, my mind was too distracted. I tried going to my friend’s apartment to hang out after work to try and let my brain rest, that still didn't work. I hadn’t gotten more than two hours of sleep over those three nights; my mind was too busy trying to figure out who I really was and what I really wanted. My mind did not take a break when I was hanging out with him. Instead it was thinking back on middle school, when we used to wear skirts together (I have made amends with him, this is my best friend from middle school) and how much I loved pretending to be a female while I was giving him a blowjob. That night I went to bed just wishing so hard for a magic button to press to end this confusion in my head. I just wanted to be a woman.
Sunday was the day of my “Enlightenment”, so to say. My mind was racing all morning. I got less than an hour of sleep total, and it was not even a restful nap. And then it hit me smack in the face. I thought about a few simple questions that gave me all the answers in the world:
If there was a magic button to press that would permanently make me a woman would I press it?
Of course I would, with no hesitation and no regrets!
If there was a magic button to press that would remove all gender dysphoria and leave you as a man would you press it?
Yes, just because of all the headache and anxiety and depression it causes.
If both the above buttons existed and you had both, which would you press?
The female one, because its me.
Of course I would, with no hesitation and no regrets!
If there was a magic button to press that would remove all gender dysphoria and leave you as a man would you press it?
Yes, just because of all the headache and anxiety and depression it causes.
If both the above buttons existed and you had both, which would you press?
The female one, because its me.
Can you see yourself as a man five, ten, or even twenty years down the road?
Yes, but I can’t see myself being happy. I can only see myself that way trying to hide who I really am and wishing I was someone else. Content at best, but never knowing happiness.
Can you see yourself as a woman five, ten, or even twenty years down the road?
Yes, yes a million times yes! I can see myself with pretty skirts and high heels and long hair and earings and the whole nine yards! I can see myself being happy and sociable and mostly importantly MYSELF!
Yes, but I can’t see myself being happy. I can only see myself that way trying to hide who I really am and wishing I was someone else. Content at best, but never knowing happiness.
Can you see yourself as a woman five, ten, or even twenty years down the road?
Yes, yes a million times yes! I can see myself with pretty skirts and high heels and long hair and earings and the whole nine yards! I can see myself being happy and sociable and mostly importantly MYSELF!
At this point I knew I am in fact really a woman and have just been smothering it for who knows how long because, well let’s face it, my life motto up until this point had pretty much been: “Be a man. Men weren’t supposed to cry. Men were supposed to suck it up and deal with what life gave you.”
So far I’ve only come out directly to two people (whose support and opinions I care most for and would be devastated to lose). My maternal friend who I can tell anything to because I love her so much! And I told my most understanding friend where I live, because she knows sort of what I’m going through (she's bisexual and VERY empathetic). She doesn’t understand transgendered people, and she admitted that, but she also told me to be happy and be myself and she would support me the whole time!
I have not yet come out to my family. I want to do it as soon as possible, originally I was planning on waiting til the first weekend of October, but I'm in such a depressed state right now that even while editting this, I can't help think, I should just leave my room and walk up to my mom and talk to her. And the only thing stopping me is her and my father are about to go out of town this coming weekend for their anniversary.
I do plan on going to a therapist before seeing a doctor (mostly because I hear getting’ on Hormone Replacement Treatment/Therapy is easier this way) and I would like my mom’s support in the situation, especially when telling my dad because I don’t know how he will react honestly. I think my mom will be understanding, and I really hope she is.
I kind of just wanted to get it out there to get it off my chest and for anyone who is questioning their own identity or anyone who is just curious about what goes through the mind of some people who identify as trans* (not all trans* people are the same so don't make any assumptions about any trans* people based on my story). I’m twenty-one years old and I JUST came to the realization that I am a woman and always have been, but I’ve just been supressing it for YEARS.
Feel free to private message me with any questions you might have. There are still other stories that I have left out and would be more than willing to help anyone who has questions (I cannot, nor can anyone else, give you an exact answer if you are questioning your identity, only you can answer those questions but people can help your sort your thoughts and feelings)! Thank you to anyone who reads this, and you're welcome to anyone who finds this helpful!
I've never turned to self-mutilation or suicide attempts, the thoughts haven't crossed my mind. My passion for hating my body differs from how a lot of people try to handle it, but as anything in life, everyone will face a difficulty in a different way and just because you aren't willing to die for your cause doesn't mean you are any less passionate then the next person.
I still present male, but I have began to step into the feminine world through very subtle things I can hide. Painting my toe nails and shaving body hair have both helped me cope with the feeling of being a woman trapped in a man's body. Reaching out to other women in a similar position has also helped immensely and I love all the support I've gotten from other online friends.
TL;DR This is my blog about being a transwoman (male to female for people unsure with terminology) and the road to realization; lots of suppressed memories and illogical thoughts that hid my true self.
Replaced all in' with 'ing'. Sorry. I do it due to how I talk in real life is with the lack of the 'g' sound at the end of words (thing is about the only word I pronounce it in). Yes I am from the South so I just developed this style in my writing. Is it faster than typing a g instead of a ', not really, its just as easy to type a g for me I just like putting a bit of style to my writing, but by popular demand I went ahead and removed it for the post.
Reddit was actually much more accepting of it and I received no criticism for it. I do realize these are two different communities however so I went with the change by popular demand.
