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I just spent a few minutes swallowing my pride before starting this blog. But it's not like I have any pride to swallow. How fucked up is that? I need help.
A little background from me. I'm 21 now. I was born in Germany on an American airbase in 91' (Rammstein). I moved to the states in 98' with both my parents and a brother. I grew up in a middle class neighborhood in one of the wealthiest counties in the country. My dad held down a job that provided and more. I had everything I needed,
My life was 'normal' by all standards. Unfortunately, my childhood was insanely chaotic. I was always belligerent, never listening to anything anyone told me, including my parents. I never grew past that stage of childhood self-centeredness like most kids do. I would do whatever I wanted without any level of introspection to the problems I was causing. I remember at one point, I had a passion for school and I managed to get straight A's in middle school (no outstanding achievement, but it's a lot more than I've ever really done for myself). I eventually fell out in school after meeting the wrong crowd. You know who I'm talking about - the drug users, delinquents, and the rest of the dysfunctional people that plague society.
I ended up doing incredibly stupid and criminal things for social acceptance. When I was 16, myself and a group of other people stumbled across an 18 wheeler truck on a (at the time, unoccupied and empty) construction site. It had keys in the ignition. The result of what we did were a couple of felonies and huge court fines. I won't go into details. I didn't even have alcohol or drugs as an excuse. Just an insanely impulsive act. I guess after that, I fell into a habit of doing impulsive things that gave me instant gratification. Things that I used to think were wrong like smoking, drinking, stealing, and other criminal and immoral were usually not given much second thought.
Somehow I ended up graduating highschool with a minimal effort (I think I had a 2.0 gpa or something in the area). At that point, I was partying pretty regularly. I remember having developed some level of introspection, but I just didn't give enough of a fuck, honestly. Life got really bad after this. I dropped out of community college before a single semester and was smoking pot and drinking on almost a daily basis. Someone wanted to smoke before I walk into class? Fuck it, let's get high. I literally didn't know what I was going to do next. I was like a fishing bob. If it went up, so did I, if it went down, I followed.
Since then, two years ago, I've spent a vast majority of my time getting high and partying. Holding down a job for longer than 2 months was impossible. Taking responsibility for anything, impossible. It got to the point where I would only work so I could blow my next pay check on weed or whatever else was available. My father kicked me out of his house and dumped (that's the way I look at it) me on my mom. Eventually, I ended up mostly alone, just smoking weed in my house on a daily basis. I stopped caring about everything but using.
I wanted to stop but I didn't know how. I eventually found my way to NA (narcotics anonymous) and found people who were going through the same shit as me. I stopped using drugs and alcohol for 5 months, but I found myself in a state of depression. I still couldn't accept responsibility for anything and in the back of my mind, I always thought I would have a safety net to fall on - my mom. So instead of getting high everyday, I just hung out with people, stayed out until 5 in the morning, fucked girls, but I never did anything productive. I wasn't working, I was still dysfunctional. What the fuck was wrong with me?
2 weeks ago, my mom gave me the boot. She needed me to work and I wasn't. I wasn't even using drugs, but the next day I relapsed like there was no tomorrow. Anything to remove the situation from my mind. Anyway, even as I'm homeless, I STILL fuck around. I had a place to stay but I got drunk and had to leave. Now, I spend all day sitting at a local clubhouse and getting fucked up. I just can't seem to care enough. I have no phone, no car, no home. I'm void of emotion and motivation. It's like I want to want to change, but I can't seem to get it together. Suicide has been crossing my mind more often and I just feel completely desolate and hopeless. I feel that even if I find a job I won't be able to hold it if I'm homeless.
I want to feel grateful, happy, joyous, free. I want to be able to function. I want to feel like a human again.
  
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Not going to lie, this sounds bad. First off, you should stop hanging out at the clubhouse. Do you have any friends or other family who would be willing to take you in for a while? Then spend your time focusing on being productive, as in looking for jobs, re-applying for college etc.
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Why did you lie pretty damn obvious in the last paragraph. If you truly wanted those things you would have gone and got them instead of writing this pity blog.
It's pretty obvious what you have to do. Get a job and then move back in with your mom. Then move on with life as it has barely begun.
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hey its not as bad as it could be, 2-3 years is okay to fuck up. i personally fucked up all the way from 18 to 26; to have my last 4-5+ years back would be nice, but at 21 you haven't lost much at all. hell, this is a great learning experience once you come back out of it.
change can be gradual if you're addicted to alcohol/smoking, but you can do it if you have a general idea of what you want to achieve (eg quit drinking). alcohol is a depressant ie fucks your nervous system and makes you anxious and depressed as fuck, so for me that was the biggest and hardest thing to go.
if you dont look like shit (eg skin problems) and can lay off the booze for 1 single week then getting a job is easy enough. it honestly doesnt matter if you hold it, you just need to get the emotional surge from it from feeling like you accomplished something. once you experience that you will understand that there is real hope for yourself.
people get super mega depressed and fucked all the time. the thing you gotta realise is that you always come out of it and keep going. ive been in and out of depression and alcoholism etc for years and years now, and ive learnt that when you feel fucked you've just gotta focus on damage control (ie not making it worse for yourself) because the mood will eventually swing suddenly, and thats when you can quickly make a grab for control like getting a job and throwing down some additional pylons
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On August 07 2012 13:48 iTzSnypah wrote:
Why did you lie pretty damn obvious in the last paragraph. If you truly wanted those things you would have gone and got them instead of writing this pity blog.
It's pretty obvious what you have to do. Get a job and then move back in with your mom. Then move on with life as it has barely begun.
I don't want pity. I wrote it so maybe I could get some advice. And it isn't just as simple as if you want something you'll go and get it...
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Canada13389 Posts
If you can get a job your mom will take you back Im sure. Try to get into a shelter that will help you get work and then move back home once you get some work.
If you were clean once, you can get clean again. With your job, and support at home you can get some counselling for the emotional issues you are having.
Often people turn to drugs/alcohol as a way of self medicating for other problems they may have which often makes them worse.
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You're in control man. Getting clean was a step in the right direction. But it wasn't quite enough. Your problem is, as you've said, you can never seem to take responsibility for your actions. Well now you stand at a crossroads. Your last safety net just kicked you out on your ass and finally you are solely and completely responsible for your own life and actions. You have no-one to blame but yourself now.
You have only two options: The first is to keep hanging around the clubhouse and your old friends and smoking and using drugs scrounging whatever money you can find to keep feeding yourself and using. This would be a way to try and hide from responsibility and your problems. You can move away from this path at ANY point.
The second option is to let it sink in. You are responsible now. If you don't want to be a homeless drug addict then all you can do is provide your most basic needs to yourself. Find a place to stay/shower so you can clean yourself up and go apply to at least 5 jobs a day. Once you start working what you need to do is either move back in with your mother paying rent or better yet find a place where you can rent a room. Whether it's student accomodation or with immigrants or whatever it's probably better then going back to home where you might rely on others taking care of you rather than doing it yourself.
From here you can go to college or learn a trade or something but that's to consider in the future. Right now your goals should be simple: Get a job, find a place to stay. Work at least 30 hour weeks for a few months and once you're in a stable spot you can start to choose where you want your life to go.
It may be lonely at first as you may never have had healthy friendships. Most likely the majority of your friends are users and criminals and as such you will need to join an entirely different part of society. This will take time but trust me, it will be worth it.
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On August 07 2012 14:28 PiGStarcraft wrote:
You're in control man. Getting clean was a step in the right direction. But it wasn't quite enough. Your problem is, as you've said, you can never seem to take responsibility for your actions. Well now you stand at a crossroads. Your last safety net just kicked you out on your ass and finally you are solely and completely responsible for your own life and actions. You have no-one to blame but yourself now.
You have only two options: The first is to keep hanging around the clubhouse and your old friends and smoking and using drugs scrounging whatever money you can find to keep feeding yourself and using. This would be a way to try and hide from responsibility and your problems. You can move away from this path at ANY point.
The second option is to let it sink in. You are responsible now. If you don't want to be a homeless drug addict then all you can do is provide your most basic needs to yourself. Find a place to stay/shower so you can clean yourself up and go apply to at least 5 jobs a day. Once you start working what you need to do is either move back in with your mother paying rent or better yet find a place where you can rent a room. Whether it's student accomodation or with immigrants or whatever it's probably better then going back to home where you might rely on others taking care of you rather than doing it yourself.
From here you can go to college or learn a trade or something but that's to consider in the future. Right now your goals should be simple: Get a job, find a place to stay. Work at least 30 hour weeks for a few months and once you're in a stable spot you can start to choose where you want your life to go.
It may be lonely at first as you may never have had healthy friendships. Most likely the majority of your friends are users and criminals and as such you will need to join an entirely different part of society. This will take time but trust me, it will be worth it.
tonight, thank god, im sleeping on a couch belonging to a very kind person who i literally just met tonight.
yeah, ive never had any healthy relationships so its a learning process. im so accustomed to the bad part of society to the point where...idk. i dont know many people who function in society, honestly
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Have you ever thought about becoming a progamer?
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On August 07 2012 20:38 flashimba wrote:
Have you ever thought about becoming a progamer?
Please... we need to talk realistic solutions here.
I think OP should consider a career in the military the discipline may be good for him.
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I think that it's all in your head. You can't have a "relapse" with herbal any more than you can with being OCD about cleaning or whatever. Shit, in other parts of the world people smoke bud *before* work because it makes repetitive or mundane labor easier (a book put out by Oxford press about ten years ago remarks on this).
It sounds like you have problems with self-control and possibly depression, but I'm no psychologist.
It's only crazy US-drug-policy-society-standards that make you think it's okay to have a beer casually but not smoke. It also sounds like smoking helps you to cope with the day-to-day. So how about rather than binging which it sounds like you're doing, you instead regulate your dosage and establish a normal adult life rhythm?
You're not being productive because you can't (psychological/physical) or won't (moral). It's not the weed that's stopping you. If you truly have a personality that is that addictive, maybe you should cut it all out. But I've seen people who use for psychological reasons do just that, and they can become unstable.
Edit: Scrolled up and saw that you wanted some specific advice ... why don't you go and try and find a "humbling" day job that gets you in the habit of earning? Washing dishes at a restaurant, day laborer, or whatever. Maybe not retail because that can be psychologically very tough on somebody dealing with stress problems or other personal troubles that you mention.
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A lesson I've learned recently is to keep busy. No matter what, keep busy. Don't give yourself the time to screw up. An idle mind is a pretty awful thing. Find a job, learn how to work hard at it, and keep it. A job where you can't mess yourself up before going in because you need to be fully there to function and work. Don't sit around and do nothing.
Good luck, man. I know a few addicts and I know it's not an easy thing to deal with.
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Have you told your Mum about this?
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Oh man. I totally understand you. I started somking and drinking when I was 12 (!!). I was in a teenage prison when I was 14. I thought I had no future, but I was intelligent enough to stop all this shit.
It's really good that u don't enjoy living like this and want to change your whole life. It's possible to do this on your own, but you probably can't do this. Tell your mom, ask her for help.
The most effective thing maybe would be coming back to Germany and starting a new life.
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On August 08 2012 07:11 JimSocks wrote:
join the army
For somebody with a history of acting out, joining the armed forces can be the best thing or the worst thing you could possibly do. Judging OP's psychological history, I'm gonna guess it would be the latter.
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I don't understand you, but I guess all that there's to do is go on with your life wherever it takes you. If you will ever reach the point of hating the consequences of your actions more than you enjoy being what you are then you will definitely change.
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A little update. I'm back in my home, landed two low paying retail jobs on the same day and I made another commitment to stop using and rigorously working on myself.
I can't allow myself to entertain any destructive thoughts. But I'm in a place of a lot of gratitude and contentment. I hope I can keep it up.
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Good job man.
My advice is, focus on eating nutritious food and exercising. I know nutrients like omega-3's, magnesium, zinc, etc. have been implicated in addiction/depression/anxiety(If you want sources I can provide).
Keep focused on your goals.
Stay away from friends who will only get you into trouble.
Treat your mom well.
/steps down from soapbox
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Good for you. I missed the initial blog, but it's good to see that you seem to be beginning to take control of your life once again. Keep us posted on where you're at and stay strong. I've never been in your situation so I probably wouldn't be able to help you out in terms of life paths, but for sure stay away from the wrong people and the wrong stuff.
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EPT
