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During most of my teenage and adult life, I've lived with few regrets. I don't fret over smalls mistakes that I've made, or even think too much about the big ones. But in my dreams, it's another story completely.
I'm haunted in my dreams by the regrets of my past. Not to say that I have a horrible secret to hide or anything, or even to say that what I've been through is unbearable. I feel that I've been dealt a good hand in life, but there's just poor decisions I've made that have stayed with me. Decisions that are constantly mulled over and obsessed with, but only when I sleep.
I've heard theories of what dreams are, or what they are not. I don't pretend to know anything about them, for I haven't studied them, and I'm not about to regurgitate what the latest college thinks they figured out about them. All I know is that my past resides in my slumber.
Remorse and grief run freely through the avenues and alleyways of my unconscious mind. Burning through old memories as if they were fodder for their pyromantic pleasure.
You wouldn't think of it when you talked to me though. You'd look at me, see how I act, read my body language, and nothing would seem off. Nothing would give it away. I don't have visible bags under my eyes because I don't lose sleep over it. These aren't nightmares, just dreams.
This isn't a cry for help. This is how I think I can deal with my dreams. I've heard that sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to tell people about it. Some people with experience might be able to help, or some people with experience in helping people might be able to point me in the right direction.
I don't think it's depression, maybe because I don't want to think of myself as "suffering from depression" so I deny it and claim it's another illness. But maybe it's not an illness. Maybe, for the past year or so, I've just had issues that I've needed to work through. Issues that I haven't come to terms with yet. Issues that my rapid eye movements are trying to tell me something about.
Whatever the cause, I hope that writing this is a means to a solution.
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Very well written. I was debating of writing my own blog tonight, but this will do.
My dreams are very similar to yours as well. They constantly remind me of how guilty I feel for all the stuff Ive done in the past. Situations that Ive put my friends, girlfriend, and family through so that I could benefit myself only. I have a a mountain full of regrets, but Ill only go over one that has been bugging me recently:
About a month or so ago, I would constantly dream about my ex. Long story short, me and her were friends since grade school then finally started going out at the end of our senior year. Best friends turned into each other's first love, it was a very unexpected and beautiful relationship. But I fucked it up and took her for granted. If you dont know the feeling of having lost your bestfriend AND girlfriend, it fucking SUCKS. Me and her dont keep in contact anymore and its been 2 years since then. 2 years since I got to get over her. But these dreams man, they come up... They come up of me and her happy together, and I find myself extremely happy. This type of happiness is indescribable. Me and her could be doing nothing at all, just chilling next to each other, and I would feel at ease, myself, happy. This kind of happiness was one of a kind. Even if it was just a dream, it felt real, like how it used to be... It feels like almost every night I dream about her, whether I remember my dreams or not. Beause when I wake up in the morning I would feel that familiar happiness, then as reality starts to sink in, that hapiness is swapped with sadness... Best time of my life.
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The human spectrum of emotion is a peculiar thing. Right now, I see your post, and I see that it's a tragic one. I see how much anguish you must experience every morning after one of those dreams. I even have a better understanding of your situation than most who have not experienced such misfortune, so I should know the depths of your despair.
Even with the understanding of the pain you're going through, I can't help but feel relief knowing that someone out there suffers from the same plague that I deal with almost every morning. I don't think the German word Schadenfreude quite describes how I feel, but it's the only word that comes close.
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EPT
