|
yeah she's talking mad smack, and if she wasn't in taiwan i'd smack her...
long story short, she's in taiwan, we got our mcat (med school entrance exam) scores back, she did a little better than me. good enough to where after 2 weeks she already has an interview invite... i just submitted my application a few days ago, so hopefully i'll be getting interview invites here shortly. but anyways, we didn't apply to the same schools. so...
at this point i'm feeling like it might be time to get out of a long relationship, it'll be 4 years in feb. i'm sick of chasing her, and making compromises to be with her and she's not willing to do the same, but still wants to be together... i gave up a lot of great job opportunities and what not to be in the same city as her. now when it comes down to it she refuses to just compromise, she has some weird obsession with attending a top 20 school, and only wants to attend a top 20 (she's asian, so am i, but i'm not OCD).
here's where the smack talk begins:
"if you can't keep up..."
"i want someone who can support me. i want to be on the top, i work hard to be the best" blah blah blah...
seriously? as if i don't work hard to be the best? i busted my ass and helped her clean her parents million dollar mansion 2 weeks before my MCAT. it wasn't just me, it was my WHOLE family, because her parents + her got evicted (which is another story). shit just didn't go my way, and i'd be wasting my time applying to only top 20 schools. i'm just so pissed off that she's being such a stubborn person, and this isn't something new, she's ALWAYS stubborn. i'm not sure i can handle it.
we had a little chat yesterday, and it didn't end so well, in fact it didn't really even end at all. then today she finishes up the conversation with her BS about someone supportive etc, etc. we've talked about this many times before, and well, if we got into different schools she'd want to do LDR (long distance relationship), but i'm not down for a 4 year LDR. i tried one where i'd drive 1.5 hrs every weekend to see my ex and it didn't work out too well. i don't want to go through it again. we're doing LDR right now as it is.
we've both got really great chances of getting into our state schools for MD only. both of our families are here (and unfortunately they always need our help). i'm willing to compromise my pursuit of an MD/PhD to just go to my state school for an MD, but she's OCD about top 20... i want to pull my hair out. today, i didn't talk to her at all and purposely ignored her all day because i didn't want to think about it and just wanted to hang out with my friends, thank god for bro time. then tonight:
"just want to know how you feel
and what you want
would you like to talk about it?"
she's obviously hurt, but what am i to do about it if she doesn't want to compromise? the longer you go the harder it is to break it off... here are the 3 life changing possibilities that can happen:
a)none of us get into any schools - not sure of the likeliness, we've got decent applications
b)she gets into a school, i don't or vice versa
c)we both get into different schools
a) isn't that big of an issue, because then we retake the MCAT, smash it, and increase our chances of getting into the same school.
b) this again isn't that big of an issue, because i wouldn't mind if she moved in with me or if i moved with her. but i'm positive she will try again and i will try again so then c) is going to become an issue sooner or later
c) BIG problem obviously.
the bigger problem, this girl a couple of weeks ago expected me to propose to her, and i sort of wanted to too...
so:
1) break it off now
2) wait it out and see how shit unfolds?
  
|
Break it off now
Don't let girls rule and take a strangehold on your life
As soon as i feel a girl is reducing the quality of my life for her own personal gain, shes out. It should be obvious why a long term relationship cannot be held on this principle
|
Unfortunately for you, this is a very typical asian mentality (esp for girls). You and your family cleaning out her house was seen kindly by her, but it was only +1 point. You making many compromises to be with her, busting your ass etc, are all +1 point as well.
However, if you were a top20 student, it would've been +100 points (and you need to worry too much about other caring things that you do for her). Yep, I know it's unfair that your rating scales don't match with hers, but that is how it goes unfortunately. Her line where she says about not being supportive, etc is a hint that you're "not supporting" her where she wants to be supported. Unfortunately, that's not your personality or what you are.
I'm not going to give you advice on how to proceed because that's your decision to make. I'm merely giving you perspective on how I see the situation. In the future, it's a possibility (maybe / maybe not) that she'll out excel you in your careers. Are you both willing to accept this in the long term?
Lastly, she is absolutely willing to do a LDR because excelling in her studies is what is important to her at this time. If this happens, she'll be fully loyal if you yourself are doing well.
|
So let's recap: she's a bitch, you feel like you do too much for her, you describe the relationship as long and dragged out, and you're unhappy...
.. And you're asking if you should break up with her or not.
It appears book smarts don't contribute to your level of common sense, no?
|
hard to say. If it's constantly edgy then it might be for the best if you break it off. I did but it was only after 2 and a half years. I don't really regret it but it's different for everybody.
|
yea, it's tough to be with a smart asian girl. Asians do prefer the male partner to earn/higher education than the female part (at least that's the case for China anyway)
Just to let you know, it's not that unreasonable for her to expect high because she did, afterall, work really hard to hope for a high "quality" of life for many years. (not sure how to put it in words)
So if she is to think that she won't receive that level of living because of something/someone, she will get worried/annoyed.
the good thing is that if you can keep up, a girl like this can motivate you to achieve highly as well
|
On November 21 2011 15:14 MountainDewJunkie wrote:
So let's recap: she's a bitch, you feel like you do too much for her, you describe the relationship as long and dragged out, and you're unhappy...
.. And you're asking if you should break up with her or not.
It appears book smarts don't contribute to your level of common sense, no?
no, just recently she's become bitchy. she took care of my while i was recovering from my acl surgery. recently though, she's just become untenable.
|
honestly if she had the opportunity to attend a good top 20 med school like harvard and she worked really hard the last 4 years in undergrad to achieve that goal, it would be a bit unreasonable to completely expect her to drop that to join you in a med school that is less prestigious. but i understand where you are coming from if you guys are honestly already thinking about getting married.
also if you really only submitted your app a few days ago your chances are not very good unless your stats are excellent.. considering that applications opened in june and most schools are on rolling basis. and if your stats are then i might consider waiting until next cycle to apply to have the best opportunity of getting into a good school.
|
Give it time. This seems like a relatively isolated incident. I'm sure you can figure it out.
Hey, this shit is always worth a shot, isn't it? You might get lucky and get into the same school. Might as well see.
|
Talk to her. If you can't talk to her you won't be able to hold a marriage down and it doesn't matter anyways.
|
LDR is going to take alot of effort, and will most likely fail. You're going to need to get accustomed to the higher workload/new environment/new social circles. LDR is just going to be a waste of time and effort
|
Relationships shouldn't be about competition. It should be about supporting one another. I mean after what she said to you, you're thinking about staying with this girl? Man you are one whipped needy man and you will live a shitty life if you stick with her. I'm just saying.
|
On November 21 2011 16:15 matiK23 wrote:
Relationships shouldn't be about competition. It should be about supporting one another. I mean after what she said to you, you're thinking about staying with this girl? Man you are one whipped needy man and you will live a shitty life if you stick with her. I'm just saying.
Jesus christ, I hate posts that are this personal. You are in a shitty situation and should probably break it off, but honestly, we can't know everything that's been going into the relationship. we're getting a warped window; all we know is a post you wrote while irritated at her.
edit: You don't have to be insulting while giving advice.
|
she sounds like a shallow, vapid cretin. dump her.
|
I don't need to write a 300-word essay to tell you that there doesn't seem to be much reason to be together:
1. Separate views of what this relationship means and is for the both of you.
2. Too many different priorities that make this relationship straining and stressful.
3. You're feeling unresolved and unappreciated (By her lack of compromising and her continuous need to cop-out with her lines that contradict what you've been doing this whole time).
The answer is obvious: weigh what's good, bad, what you are looking for.
Then make your move.
glglgl
|
if you're complaining about her in a blog, meaning you can't do it to her face that means you need to end it. Seriously
|
Don't be fooled by the sunk cost fallacy!
Also i agree with alot of the other posters, seems better to break it off from what you've been telling us. If she isn't willing to compromise, it ain't worth it.
|
half the advice posted so far are such one dimensional blind judgments =.=''
without more context, its hard to say, but it seems to me you haven't spent enough time discussing things with her in a calm manner? Some core issues i'd zero in on, useful conversation topics, also possibly indications of chronic relationship conflict areas:
1) Mismatch of priorities. You feel you prioritize her above your work, and she prioritizes work above you. Is this true? Does she agree with this judgment of yours? If yes does she see a problem with that, on her side? On your side?
2) You dont feel like she values you as much as you deserve. Again, what's her side of this? Agree/Disagree?
3) Why is top 20 important to her? Why is it not to you? What would it mean for her to give up that position?
4) Does she respect you for your achievements? You mentioned she thinks you're not catching up. Clearly it bugs you, I know it would bug the hell out of me if my gf said that. But at the same time she wants to marry you/wants you to propose? So if she doesn't admire your academic achievements, what other value do you bring to her life?
5) What's on her mind? anything she wants to bring up?
I know this all sounds ushy gushy heart to heart bullshit, but if you're looking to mend damage and work things out, you need to fork out three hours to explore these issues with her. A few other pointers:
- Focus on talking about needs and feelings. Dont get bogged down by issues:
eg: dont talk about last time i did this but then you didnt do that and what about two years ago at that LAN when you blahblahblah
eg: instead phrase it as something like: i feel our relationship is imbalanced in this area, and i feel like you're not putting in as much work into the relationship as i am.
- The moment one of you is throwing ad-hominids around, thats when its time to gtfo and play some sc2. If either of you escalates to shit talking, tell her "sorry i dont think this is a productive convo anymore, lets do this again later." and book it out of there
- I'd bet my bank account that theres a basket case of horrid asian parenting in there somewhere, but tackling that would be for another time. Just be aware of it and steer away from that because monkeys throw shit when threatened.
- Dont throw or take inflammatory escalative troll bait. None of that "so you just want to have a job more than you want me, is that what you're saying?" If that happens, point it out for what it is and recognize that its not a binary situation, and phrasing it so is not productive.
Oh and in case shes really hot, just remember that hotness goes away with age but crazy only increases as the years go by :p.
At least she's shown she's willing to talk. Best of luck with her and with inadequate advice from disconnected out of context and uninformed internet strangers :p
|
she's asian but not asian. lol her mom is chinese (indonesian and uighur) and dad is turkish/egyptian.
edit: and now for a phone call. will let you know how it goes.
|
The way I see it, you've done nothing to help alleviate the situation. You sound really defensive and withdrawn/injured when she talked about how she was "better" than you. This sounds like you have a really inflated, fragile image of yourself you're trying to defend, kind of like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman if you've read that. I think you need to have a serious talk with your gf now, not any of this "admit that you aren't better than I am" but talk to her about the give and take dynamic of your relationship. Maybe she isn't willing to compromise because she doesn't really respect you as an equal or she's just a selfish person, but you have to talk. This relationship is pretty much over but take the chance to do some soul searching and to understand a little more about yourself and others, so you can avoid similar people and perhaps be a better partner in the future.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
