EPTAs a sophomore in college, it's about that time where I need to decide on my major. When I registered, I signed as a political science major... and I couldn't be any further from wanting to do anything related to politics right now. I've had many ideas go through my head but none of them have really seemed to stick: accounting, computer science, history.... I have some interest in all of them, but apparently not enough to be dedicated to one. Of course, I do have one thing in mind..
Recently, I went to a concert (Anberlin!). I've always loved music, my family has been very into music with everyone in my family playing some instrument and us having a drum set, multiple guitars, a bass, etc. in our basement. Heck, my listening is even kinda bad due to the fact that I listen to loud music in my car all the time. Anyways at the concert there was a a song that I had been waiting to hear them play for a long time.. at some point during the song, I just closed my eyes and took it all in. All the people singing around me, the band on stage, the music playing.. and it was the best I've ever felt that I can ever remember. Just perfect. I was on an emotional high that I'm still probably on actually, even though the concert was a month ago. And of course, now I want to do something with music... the feeling was just too perfect. I've always been told to do something I love rather than something I know I could bring a good sum of money in but hate myself while doing it. And now I need to decide if I really want to do something with music in my life and just exactly what that would be. I'm not talking about being some rock star or something crazy, but rather working in the music industry somewhere.
Along with college comes a job, and I really, really need to find a new one. I work at a retirement home that I've been at since my junior year of high school and I'm 100% comfortable there. I remember being a super shy kid when I first got the job, man I was so afraid to talk to anyone haha. And now I'm a very talkative person (although I can be shy at times
) with a lot of confidence in myself. It's kind of sad to think about, just because so much has changed since I've been there. I was so close with everyone since I went to high school with a lot of the people, but now I'm one of the oldest workers and all of the current people are in high school themselves.. Obviously the problem is that I'm too comfortable and need to get out, get a new job, and meet some new people. Hopefully I will do that sooner or later but it's going to be really hard to do with all of the time I've spent there. I've made a lot of good friends there in the kitchen that are going to be really hard to leave. But as it stands, the hours aren't anywhere close to great and I really need to get out of there, find a new job and take another step on my journey in life. I guess the decision I need to make here is simply figuring out where I want to work. I don't want to go work at a grocery store or anything similar, but the problem here is most likely motivation. I've thought about checking for jobs on campus and maybe that's what I need to do, since I'd also be working around other people my age, making new friends, etc.And what would a blog on here be without a girl? Less hated, that's for sure. But regardless... since I'm already on a typing spree I might as well let some stuff out. I've known this girl for over a year, and never once have I looked at her and seen her as anything more than a friend. But for some reason, one that I can't even figure out, that changed about a week and a half ago. Of course the idea if you like a girl is to simply ask her out, gauge your interest in her and make decisions from there. But if life was easy and lacked complexity, then where would the fun be? After all, we can't ignore the situation. This girl is three years younger than me (20-17, she's a senior in high school so two school years I suppose), Mormon, going out of state for college soon (I'll let you guess where
) and a co-worker. Now generally the rule is that girls are interested at first but obviously lose interest quickly if nothing happens, which is 100% understandable. And I wasn't interested for the longest time.. in fact, I remember even talking to a girl I was really into about 9 months ago right in front of her. But randomly I'm into this girl and I really can't figure out why.I won't deny that I've had an experience similar to this in the past (which I even blogged about on here as well back then, hah) where I really liked a girl that was going to college soon and didn't know what to do about it. Only then, I was scared, lacked confidence, and very awkward to be around at times and I simply didn't know how to make a move or anything. I ended up letting the opportunity get away from me and entered a stage of "heartbreak" (I use parenthesis because it was in high school which ultimately meant it was meaningless, but the pain was still very real at the time). However, because of all these mistakes I've made in the past, I've grown so much as a person and learned a lot about people and myself.
In any event, I still need to figure out what to do. The age thing doesn't bother me but I feel it might bother her.. However, the Mormon thing really gets my mind thinking. I will say that I've grown up in a house where my parents are heavy Christians and of course it's influenced some of my principles. But I've heard so many things about Mormons that just make me think. I'm not really sure why it bothers me so much. I know that her sister got married at a very early age which of course is pretty typical in Mormon families, but I don't know how Mormons in general view about dating people outside of their religion. The going away to college soon thing bothers me as well, most likely due to the past experience but I just don't know if I want to really get into it only to have to determine if I want something long distance. The co-worker thing really does not bother me at all. Although the general rule is to avoid relationships with people you work with, I don't really think it matters at some part time job that I'll hardly think about later in life.
Of course, I don't even know if the interest is mutual but I've found that when other people are telling you to hook up that there's generally something they know that you don't.. But honestly I feel that that's the least of my concerns. Maybe in the end she has absolutely no interest and I'm overthinking something that will never happen. But in the event that there is something there, I just really need to figure out if it's something I want to pursue or not and I really, really need to decide fast. I don't know how that decision is going to be made.. I'm one that loves to ask friends for advice and see what they think, and I've heard mixed things. I don't know if I'm letting an opportunity get out of my reach or if I'm playing it smart and waiting for something better. Is something better bound to come? My one main flaw is that I tend to think things out too much rather than taking action and going with instinct. As my friend told me, I should always go with my instincts rather than my deep thoughts. And I'm wondering if my thinking is only hurting me ultimately. I'm not worried about heartbreak - I've been there before. In fact I've been amazed by how well I've handled things and I haven't freaked out or anything like I have in the past. Everything just seems... different in this situation. Sorry for being so ambiguous throughout this writing but I can't really describe how I feel. I don't understand how I can know a girl for so long, hit it off with other girls right in front of her and then suddenly one day look at her and just think "wow, that girl is kinda beautiful, really fun to be around, always happy and I never really noticed."
Thanks for reading.
