It's been awhile since I posted my last blog, and I feel like I need to get some more things off my chest.
It's been nearly a month of me ranging from being extremely emotional to numb, from depressed to cheerful. It's just been extremely tough because I have so much I want to say but so much I can't. I know so much about her now that I shouldn't because I'm best friends with her roommates, I know so much because I guessed and she confirmed. But I can still see something is there. And no matter how much I know, or what she does I still love her and feel like I deserve it. The pain I feel is a pain I need to feel. The anguish is just a form a revenge from her and it's something I must struggle through if I even want her back.
I've spent the last month with her, without her, watching her hang on this other guy, feeling her hang on me, see her ignore me, yet taste the love that's still there. The burn of hate is there every once and awhile but it's quickly cooled by sweet words or a gentle touch. I know there's a chance even though she says there's not, I know I have a shot even though her friend's tell me to move on. But when you're so certain you were wrong before, so heartbroken seeing her with another guy that's when you know you fucked it up really bad. That's when you and only you know.....know that she was the one, that you have to do anything, everything, whatever for her.
In the past couple weeks we've gone to lunch a couple times, gone out for ice cream, hung out at the mall, gone grocery shopping....everything we used to do when we were together but it's different because we're "just friends". Yet, as friends I feel a tension, a huge tension that just clouds everything. And it used to come from me. But recently I stopped chasing, let her go, told her I was happy for her and this other guy she was hanging on, happy that she was happy, happy that she was getting the internship she wanted, and happy most of all we were still friends. The tension dissipated slightly for awhile. But we went to Dairy Queen two nights ago and I could just tell. The tension was from her now. She was the one that felt awkward and sadly it made me feel good because I thought this might be the start of Us again. Where the path to redemption begins.
It starts with normal conversation, about classes, friends, our high school team going to play offs. But it slowly drifted toward her and her "guy friends". The one who has been pursuing her the most asked her to our college formal. Yet she declined. She was scheduled to work that night and wasn't going to take it off. Normally I wouldn't say anything but something was off. When we started dating and when we were together she would have taken off of work in a heart beat, wouldn't have thought twice about it. And that's where I think my opening is. I think this is her way of showing me there's a way. I might be reading too much into the situation but I 100% think that I have a chance I didnt have when i first apologized to her. I think something recently clicked and opened a closed door.
She's started texting me again, started messaging me on facebook and started calling me on the phone again. But she never gets to her emotions, always stopping at the surface with daily activities classes and work. It frustrates me because this is what I wanted, her to come back chasing me but I don't know where to take it from here. Do I let her keep chasing me? Do I tell her how I still feel and hope she takes me back now? Do I just ask her out on a date and hope to start rebuilding the bridge I burnt a long time ago? I'm just so afraid of failing again. Afraid that I might lose her forever.
When I wrote my first blog I thought the only way to get her back was to beg for it, but that failed. I thought maybe she would realize how much she loved me when I left for New Mexico after graduation, but I cant wait another year. I just want that hug, that kiss, that hand holding, that legs across my lap, that annoying poke for affection as I play Brood War, those words of encouragement as I played Magic, Her presence in my life again. I miss those dumb little things. Those little things that used to annoy me but just showed me she cared. Argh how could I have been so dumb.
But that's not the point of this. I feel like now's the chance to take my shot at her again... the time to take a chance and find her heart again. I think this is my shot at a second chance. I just have to figure out how to do it.
P.S. I've been drinking tonight, which is probably the main motivation for this blog, but it took me forever to write it, I also read over it like 4 times so I hope there aren't too many mistakes
P.S.S. My current mood has me listening to a lot of country music, Sorry for those not interested but I have to list a couple of the songs:
I know how it feels but you should be careful. It really sounds like you may be setting yourself up for another fall.
I'm not saying you shouldn't try to hit things up with her but you're placing your all of your emotional eggs in one basket and that basket is already riddled with holes.
Hey man, I don't know the back story or anything, but I honestly think you should go all-in and tell her how you feel -- like, honestly. If you get her back, good for you! If not, don't rage -- just GG out and search for your next match. You've seen the replays already, so you'll learn from your mistake(s) and be better at the game. With that said, good luck!
(Sorry for the game references in such a serious post, but I couldn't help but draw parallels.)
Man, I'm pretty much in the same situation right now. Ive come to the conclusion its time to move on. It hurts, but its probably gonna be the right decision
I've been in a similar situation, and I decided to walk away, which I've been regretting ever since because I never got to know how she really felt. Take a chance and go for it. Good luck, mate!
Begging will never work, don't show her how much you need/want her. If you seem fine without her, then she'll be attracted. Let her fall for you again and then make your move, don't emo-dump!
Time to be an adult. Sit down with her and talk. Accept shit might not go the way you want it to but if you don't talk to her about how you still feel then you'll just be in a funk for a long time to come.
You don't have to ask her to go out with you again, you just need to talk to her and explain your feelings and let her explain hers. Thats all. If in the end you get back together its great if not that sucks.
At the very least talking about it will bring some closure to you. You will be able to move on with or without her in your life. Until you deal with these feelings its not going to get any better or easier.
^^ This guy is right man. I know its gonna hurt like hell, but you really do need to just let her go. If she is gonna come back to you it is gonna be on HER terms, because youve already given her that power. The more you beg, show her affection, do what she wants, or grovel for her attention, the more she is gonna keep it on the level that you are describing in your blog. By backing off you remove that power, and you also give her the freedom to choose ON HER OWN! whether or not she wants to be with you again. When we want something, as people we do all kinds of crazy things to get it. By talking to her on the phone, hanging out with her, you are subtly giving her hints into what you want. You might even be manipulating her with your hurt tones in your voice when she brings things up, or the looks you give when she tells you stuff. I dont know this for sure, all I know is what I read, but you gotta back off and live life without her man. Be nice to her and when she asks why your not hanging out with her tell her the truth. If you somehow fuked it up, that was a decision you made either consciously or subconsciously and now you have to be a man and let her live her own life. If she wants you back in it she will let you know.
i remember one piece of advice i read in the girl advice thread. it really made sense to me. i dont remember who said it, but whoever it was said that if you in a tvt, and you need to storm a tank line, or pull back, the WORST thing to do is sit around and think about it until its too late. either you commit or you dont.
my advice in this situation would be that if you REALLY want this girl, if you really think she is the one for you and you can rebuild something with her, then just go for it. tell her how you feel and if it doesnt work out, then it makes your path all the clearer. then you will know for sure that you need to move on. and if it does work you get your girl back. it sounds to me like this girl was trying to make you jealous, and that when you finally started to move on she got worried that you would move on so she decided to move in on you again, because she wants you to want her. i personally hate it when girls play those kinds of games...but i guess you can decide what to make of that.
On November 05 2011 18:46 ShoeFactory wrote: dont tell her how you feel before you know how she feels.
make her want you, not the other way around. you don't need her; she needs you.
Worst advice so far in this thread. How about they both possibly want eachother instead of one person having to chase the other?
On November 05 2011 20:54 ZeromuS wrote: Time to be an adult. Sit down with her and talk. Accept shit might not go the way you want it to but if you don't talk to her about how you still feel then you'll just be in a funk for a long time to come.
You don't have to ask her to go out with you again, you just need to talk to her and explain your feelings and let her explain hers. Thats all. If in the end you get back together its great if not that sucks.
At the very least talking about it will bring some closure to you. You will be able to move on with or without her in your life. Until you deal with these feelings its not going to get any better or easier.
Good advice. Just sit down and talk dude, you'll go crazy trying to analyze everything that happens looking for a sign that you two may get back together. Like ZeromuS says, just explain your feelings to her and see what happens. Worst case scenario is that she isn't interested, but at least then you know and you don't have to kill yourself worrying about it and you can begin to move on.
One other thing, I really don't think it's wise for a man to see a woman non-sexually when he has feelings for her, sounds like a recipe for heart-ache. I have women friends, only a few, but it's not remotely sexual and if I ever started to develop feelings for one of them I would probably just end that relationship because it's going to be a lot of hassle and I love my current girlfriend and wouldn't want to compromise it.
Sounds a little too juvenile to me. All I can say is if you're into a girl and it doesn't move forward from time to time than you're basically in a stagnant zone. It's worse if you see than person incidentally on a regular basis, since the time together in a platonic setting becomes even longer. Your best bet is to make a genuine move and see where you lie, then pull back if the rejection becomes clear. Hanging in limbo makes you a loser.
Being "just friends" with a girl is not worth it in the least. I'm not kidding. It's one thing to be friends with a girl who rejects you and never try anything again because you've accepted it and moved on; it's another thing to hang on to a girl entirely when it's clear that you've already lost her. When you and a girl split just let her go. The less involved she is the better you will feel; the more 'complete' your separation, the better you'll feel; the less involved she is in your life and the less you know the better. You won't feel like your missing out and can focus on what's important - you. It's kind of regrettable that you're friends with her friends, because you see her so much. I prefer it when girls I break up with just remove themselves from the friend group entirely - it's much better that way.
Don't look for a second chance - you broke up for a reason, and that reason is she's not worth your time. Find your footing on your own, and then find yourself something better. You OWE that to yourself.
And yes, I sought this blog out. No girl blog will escape my influence.
Wow man, you're an amazing writer. That really sounded beautiful, like true love in its raw sexual, physical, and emotional energy It's really the stupid things, the seemingly insignificant things in our lives that give us the most pleasure, for instance like you say her poking you while you played BW. Those silly things that give your life so much meaning and you feel empty without them
I'm no expert but I would say pick up on cues about what she's feeling. Don't rush it, but if you feel for sure that there is something mutual, don't hold back. I will leave you with this also: sometimes there is greater fulfillment in thinking about things then actually going and doing them. When you have these moments of indecision, you always think you might mess up or something, but you're just scared of ruining those memories you already have with her. But indecision will always lead to regret down the line. You want her back in your life and you want her to feel the same way about you, so what are you waiting for
Either be a man, show confidence, talk about it. OR cut it off, in all ways. Personally if i was in your position from what you described I would cut it off and get on with my life, tell her that you are cutting her off and why though, don't just ignore her right away, but never go back. Easier said than done though. Good luck.
In so many words this is pretty accurate. I've had 3 substantial breakups in the last 12-13 months.
If there is something that I can say, It's that you need to make it clear what you want and don't want. Tell her you don't like this iffy bullshit, its either you go with me or you go somewhere else. Even though you do and will miss her, you can't give her what she wants. Which is to have her cake and eat it too (if you don't understand this, its a metaphor for having all the things a date/bf does but without the emotional attachment, intimacy, or sex).
I actually just broke up with a girl last week that I had been dating off and on since June. She would get upset at the stupidest things and argue about them with me. That should have been the sign for me to say, "you know what, if you are going to argue about this petty superficial bullshit all the time, you can just leave. "I don't need this crap in my life, as much as I like you it's either it goes or you do." Instead, I tried to argue logically and show my viewpoints etc. FAIL
Relationships are not an internet debate/forum. In fact its the opposite, When a girl brings up some bullshit- you just call her out on it, and change the nature of the argument completely. "what the fuck is this REALLY about?" Girls are masters of beating around the bush. They don't tell you whats really the matter, they just start bringing up stupid shit and other things that bug them to justify the ultimate underlying issue that bugs them so they can have their so called 'red flags' count and freeze you out, dump you, take space, etc.
Anyways, about my last breakup. Things were going great again since we got back together around the 15th/16th. The friday night before halloween she blew off her friends parties to come hang out with me and a few friends. We ended up having fun, getting some del taco, grubbing out, watch shitty capt america (didnt finish) and fucking. Next day was cool and everything seemed cool all day until the night. My phone fucked up (missed her calls), she dropped off my clothes (that she offered to bring over which was odd because I told her not to) and then she just started ignoring me. And then it dawned on me, she was sore before we sexed. (as in someone had fucked her and it wasn't me). And all the other signals I had stocked up started to click together.
1 - All her friends are dumb sluts that play games and pull this kind of shit. Even though she says she's not this type of person "Im not like one of your dumb sluts you had before", "I'm a 1 man kind of girl", "you need space between relationships". We actually argued about this a long while ago whether dating someone and then breaking up not with the intention of fooling around but being able to have the option and maybe dating a few people, with other people but not having the tie down is just as morally wrong as cheating, because the other person is still being exclusive. I literally couldn't understand how she could justify this being ok. (which 'coincidentally' is what happened). 2 - She has slowly been pulling away for weak reasonings, first she said we jumped into a relationship too fast and we were being childish. Then she said she needed space. Which in my experience means she is trying to hook up with someone. And now she is just ignoring me and going out places and not inviting me or whatever and vaguely lying about being 'out with her girls' when she said she was going to go to her gmas house. And then I see pics of her not just out with her girls etc. 3 -When I try and talk or argue constructively with her at all, she's always just throwing negative shit in my face that is very superficial and no way outweighs everything else I have done for her. Its almost like shes just reciting crap her and her dumb friends decided on what to say. And she won't even talk to me at all. She has said at least 2-4 times now that she will call me after X and hasn't done so. The brief moment I talked to her yesterday she just called me names, sidestepped obvious questioning and said "nope, not doing this right now" and hung up. 4- I noticed her avoiding phonecalls and texts while staring at her phone like she didnt want it to be going off. Then I had her phone one day and I saw a random message from some "Brian Marine" that said something like "So is that a no then?" I'm not one to pry so I didn't check into it further. 5- She supposedly had her friend Joe's hoodie in her closet one day and I wore it, I'd never seen it before and her friend joe is a much larger dude. Seemed like BS to me. 6 - Last time we had sex she was sore before I even gave it to her, and it had been at least 4-5 days since last time. But I dunno that could just be from her 'rabbit' that we found in her storage unit that she was having nostalgia with.
So for about 4-5 days I just took advice from people and let her have some space to cool of and miss me (if she actually did have any feelings for me). And I tried to call her or get her to call me so we could talk. This is just torture though in my experience of trying this too many times. FAIL
I finally got her to stay on the phone long enough to actually talk seriously when she was at the mall shopping for a dress for her date to this marine ball prom shit. I finally got her to admit she was dating someone else/other people and the dude's name (because I already knew it from the text).
I called out her slut friend on facebook asking her why she didnt tell me that she was dating other people so I could not waste time. And then it all came out. Her slut friend went over to her house, defriended me from herself and my ex and just started talking all the shit they had been talking about for months. Because thats what dumb sluts do, they think in a group. A hive zerg mind if you will. They can't even think for themselves if they wanted to.
All the underlying bullshit about me, all the slutty excuses for themselves. And I just basically called them sad and felt sorry for them. And then she told me to "never talk to me again", to which I replied "I will not, but not because you told me to. Remember that.". Later that night she dropped my shit off from her house on my porch and scurried off to her marine ball and downtown drinking and bar as she usually does with her slut friends.
So in summation, do what you know you have to do or you're just wasting time and making things worse for yourself.
most often in these situation, you are thinking too highly of the other one. I know this sounds unrealistic but in a relationship, both should be having roughly around the same level of respect and commitment towards eachother. When you say you are willing to do anything and everything for her, ask yourself but who will take care of you?
Respect and love yourself a bit more, don't over commit unless you know she would do the same for you (or you know that she has tried in her ways to answer your commitment)
She might be tempted because now she doesn't have you. People want what they don't/can't have, especially women.
It's a hard call. I'd let it continue as is, maybe allow for more casual interactions (less "go out to do ____" stuff and just "come over and play ____ or do ____" stuff). How she acts in those situations will give you more insight into how she really feels.
EPT
It's really the stupid things, the seemingly insignificant things in our lives that give us the most pleasure, for instance like you say her poking you while you played BW. Those silly things that give your life so much meaning and you feel empty without them
