On October 20 2011 13:53 eVolvE342 wrote: Poor Bacon, posted his essay on tl to get some love for writing about sc and all he gets is people bashing his writing capabilities. Whether or not the paper is good, its nice to see you wrote about starcraft
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Yeah but now he knows that it needs work. Ok I admit i was a bit... harsh in my initial post but at least Mr Bacon is aware that he needs to brush up on his writing abilities. Better then everyone telling him he is leetzor then his teacher drops a F bomb on his work.
On October 20 2011 13:53 eVolvE342 wrote: Poor Bacon, posted his essay on tl to get some love for writing about sc and all he gets is people bashing his writing capabilities. Whether or not the paper is good, its nice to see you wrote about starcraft
Haha thanks man! yeaaah starcraft 4 lyfe
Yeah I think most appreciate your enthusiasm for Starcraft. However, labeling it an essay is a bit misleading. Also, don't worry about people calling you dumb. They are just mistaking writing ability with intelligence. Unfortunately your writing capabilities need a lot of work, but that is something you can work on in college. Anyway gl in your class.
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”.
Punctuation goes inside quotes. Here, it should be "Drones."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Well played. "of of" should be "off of." I tried hard!
This, however, isn't responsive to the meat of the argument: this paper needs work. Hopefully it is revised.
On October 20 2011 13:21 Zennith wrote: Wall of text? I dunno, this doesn't really feel like an essay, as I'm not sure what the thesis really is. Within typical essay format, it seems your thesis maybe comes midway through the first paragraph, which makes no sense.
Otherwise, while I'm not going to do your homework for you, it seems like this is all over the map and not particularly enlightening really in any way - trying to find something feminist about starcraft in one paragraph, talking about south korea and popularity... there's no real consistency here, and so the conclusions that are drawn seem to come from nowhere.
Basically, this is just a bunch of small paragraphs put together that really in no way build or relate to one another in meaningful/insightful ways.
Maybe try going back to english 101.
Well.. the thesis for the essay was "to what extent to videogames effect our education, social interaction, and our culture as a whole" pretty much...
I had to add the avatar paragraph and the female stuff because I was forced to use 2 sources from our textbook so i had to write about them... like i said this was last minute stuff... but yeah..
Since you're in a English class, the second "to" should be "do" within that quote if you were to actually write that...
By the way, you should really use the indentations so it looks better on the eyes for the reader at the least...
I think we should respect the fact that this man was able to summon the courage to write about his passion. No matter how poorly/well written the essay was, he has balls most of us do not have, and that is leaving a semester of college grade to chance in order to try to expose others to our passion. In the end, hurting this man, is hurting esports.
On October 20 2011 13:42 WinteRR wrote: no referencing and double line breaks? :O
Uni/college in the US sounds dreamy!
Trust me, if I turned something like this in at my college I would fail without question, and probably fail the class and be forced to take a lower level english class next semester.
Just wanna let you know that in college in COM 101 i used to do my speeches on Esports all the time, i think it is a great way to get ppl that have no idea about esports to show them a little about our world. Great idea to write a paper about it. But keep it up write more about it in all your papers :D
On October 20 2011 13:44 itsjustatank wrote: I'm with Zennith on this one. The essay lacks a major thesis that guides the writing as a whole. There are a number of grammatical errors and whatnot. It needs serious work.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: When first starting to play, players may feel overwhelmed with the amount of content they have to learn. For example, all the structures, units, abilities, build orders, strategies, and which units are good against which.
Second sentence is a fragment. Also, do not end sentences with prepositions in academic writing.
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: The basic worker units of the Zerg, are called “Drones”.
Punctuation goes inside quotes. Here, it should be "Drones."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: If you dream of playing the game professionally, you must have very quick reaction times and a minimum of 200 APM (Actions Per Minute).
I feel that It is better practice to introduce the long form of an acronym before the acronym itself. In the case of this sentence, the better form would be Actions Per Minute (APM).
Speaking of actions per minute, you do not take the time to explain to the reader what that term actually means. That omission detracts somewhat from your conclusion in the proceeding sentence where you state that the game is not a "kid's game."
On October 20 2011 13:16 Bacon-X wrote: Female players on StarCraft are still low in numbers, but their recognition in the game is invaluable. Many female portraits exist in the game, many of which males choose to wear as well. Females are also represented in the games units. The medivac, a flying aircraft piloted by a female, has a healing beam and the ability to load up units. Medivacs are essential for healing your army and are crucial for harassment. Without these female heroes, the entire game would be imbalanced. Many female gamers dislike female representation in games because “When the female avatar is hypersexualized, it is highly likely the female player won’t even consider the title.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 327). In StarCraft, females are not hypersexualized, in fact, they are just as important as the male characters. Kerrigan, a female known as “The Queen of Blades”, controls the Zerg, the bug-like alien race. StarCraft acknowledges its female audience and represents them equally. “Ideologically, it is vitally important that girls play and enjoy computer games because it increases their comfort level with technology, and this is essential for them to maintain economic parity with males in today’s society.” (Sheri Graner Ray, 328).
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
Readability stats place this around 10th grade work, so you still have time to get things up to the level where it needs to be before going to college. so it looks like your writing skills need a lot of work. Readability stats aren't everything to determining good or bad writing, but they do provide an interesting baseline.
I wrote a book on English grammatical usage and common errors that included an essay-writing strategy guide as a university senior project. Some of that critical gaze still has not rubbed of of me. I'm sorry if this post seems nitpicky.
If you're going to nitpick you should fix up the errors in your own post
Although I guess yours is a TL post and not a college essay.
Well played. "of of" should be "off of." I tried hard!
This, however, isn't responsive to the meat of the argument: this paper needs work. Hopefully it is revised.
Oh I certainly know that, not denying it at all. I was just nitpicking your nitpicking for a few laughs.
Aside from that, I have a legitimate question (because I'm an English noob) rather than a nitpick, in this section of your post:
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
You use "The cites do not flow..." Can you use the word 'cites' in that form? I thought it would have been citations in that instance, or do both work?
Hmm sadly I have to agree with all the naggers and whiners in this thread. I mean I go to college, and I assume most of them have or currently do, and they are posting legitimate concerns regarding grammar and spelling as well as the inherent lack of an argument. Your paper might have looked good in high school if you were writing in a technology class where this may be more relevant and writing standards were lower, however you would get very little reward for this piece of work, at least where I study. And no references? Shame on you..
On October 20 2011 14:08 Tektos wrote: Aside from that, I have a legitimate question (because I'm an English noob) rather than a nitpick, in this section of your post:
Alright, here it just seems like you are throwing in quotes from some required feminism text into your paper. The cites do not flow with the text and they just occupy space instead of complementing the arguments that you are making.
You use "The cites do not flow..." Can you use the word 'cites' in that form? I thought it would have been citations in that instance.
Actually, I'm not that sure now when I think about it. Using "cites" in that form is a bit of jargon I picked up from the debate world.
Edit: After looking it up, looks like the jargon usage isn't universally accepted. I'd use "citations" if it wasn't already so ingrained in my brain.
On October 20 2011 14:19 nalgene wrote: So he already submitted...
"cites" as in "citation" or "citing" or "cited works"? and not "sites" as in location or a web page?
Kinda. A cite in jargon context is something like this:
On August 18 2011 08:03 itsjustatank wrote: Khalilzad 1995 (Zalmay, Def. An RAND, "Losing the Moment? The United States and the World After the Cold War," Washington Quarterly, vol 18, no 2; p 84) Under the third option, the United States would seek to retain global leadership and to preclude the rise of a global rival or a return to multipolarity for the indefinite future. On balance, this is the best long-term guiding principle and vision. Such a vision is desirable not as an end in itself, but because a world in which the United States exercises leadership would have tremendous advantages. First, the global environment would be more open and more receptive to American values -- democracy, free markets, and the rule of law. Second, such a world would have a better chance of dealing cooperatively with the world's major problems, such as nuclear proliferation, threats of regional hegemony by renegade states, and low-level conflicts. Finally, U.S. leadership would help preclude the rise of another hostile global rival, enabling the United States and the world to avoid another global cold or hot war and all the attendant dangers, including a global nuclear exchange. U.S. leadership would therefore be more conducive to global stability than a bipolar or a multipolar balance of power system.
1. Guy creates thread telling TL about how he submitted an Sc Essay for college; said Essay is pretty bad.
2. Guy's essay receives just criticism.
3. Guy calls critics bullies and bad mannered, because his essay is cool; presumably.
Am I getting this right so far?
What is this shit?
If you post a (no offense mate but it is) garbage essay on a public forum, can you expect anything less than criticism? Nobody went overboard with it; you even got some encouragement and positive responses and that's good for you.
But you can't call people out for doing what you've only invited them to do. If you're willing to make public your work, write a better essay's if you seek praise instead of criticism.
EPT
