EPTWith that out of the way I move on.
Some time ago I came across this very interesting paper, “Searching for the Next Best Mate”, available as a pdf here: http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.72.7159&rep=rep1&type=pdf or you can Google the title and look at a quick view or something if you don’t want to download it, it’s a small file anyway. I found it very intriguing – an academic article that mixes relationships, research, math riddles, and optimization. As a quick summary to its content, the paper talks about the optimal number of people one should “date” or become familiar with before settling on a long term relationship. I recommend you take a look if you are interested.
Regardless of that paper, I had always noticed the very limited exposure to girls (from this point on I will assume my audience is a straight male) that we get before we settle for a long term relationship. With the norms of modern society, getting to know people is not a simple task. Typical places to meet new people are limited to things such as school, hobbies, clubs, shared activities, and work. The listed examples are not instances where the other people are even necessarily interested in meeting you. They have a primary purpose to serve and becoming acquianted with others is just a convenient bonus.
That said there are platforms where meeting people is in fact the primary objective. I once read someone’s observation that “it had become unfortunate that bars were one of the only places where it was acceptable to start up a conversation witha stranger”. That was a good point. In most cases, unsolicited attention is not a welcome or advisable practice in many everyday walks of life, in scenarios such as taking public transit, walking down the street, working out at the gym, or buying groceries. Unusual directed attention at an attractive stranger can hardly be disguised from its blatant attempt to “get somewhere further”. Distractions such as walking a dog can thus become convenient segue to starting a conversation with another dog walker by commenting on their dog. Bars have become recognized locations for singles to meet and taking initiative does not look so out of place as elsewhere. The problem is that its patrons are only one particular subset of the population. Other platforms offering this kind of interaction are matchmaking and speed dating services where people sign up with an obvious, declared intention.
So not considering these cheap street tactics, I can easily say almost everyone meets a signficant other in of the “social living” environments I described previously. School is probably the primary source, and for those in the working world, social activities and networks through friends are probably the best way to meet new people. When you consider the expanse of population untouched by these small spheres of interaction, you realize the small pond most people are trapped in. This has always been this way. In olden times social networks were even more restrictive and people generally knew less people, diminishing their pool of potential partners.
Thus enter the world of internet dating. I have personally not ventured into this realm, but in theory it should be a fantastic tool. It really expands the pond into a lake. One big problem is that there is some stigma attached with it, enough to again filter only a certain subset of the population who regard it as a valid platform. There are also the dangers of false representation.
Yet despite all these factors, people fall in love astoundingly easily. People fall in love with their classmates in a class of 20, 30, 100, 1000. These are still very small populations. The ocean is still untapped. One of the most important goals in people’s lives, the source of such immense value and meaning, is fixed by two things: proximity and circumstance. People simply fall in love with people they spend a lot of time with. There is not much choice because there is simply less chance to become attracted to someone you don’t know. However, proximity is purely a function of circumstance. Only by a very specific set of circumstances do you got to be around the people around you. If one seeks to truly understand what could have easily been, had only a minor change in circumstance occurred, you could be exposed to some amazingly compatible people. People in general also tend to be rather foolish in selecting their mates, what with the divorce and break up rates in recent times. Love and compatibility are clearly two very different elements that people need to distinguish.
Having said all this it seems so inadvisable to fall in love ever knowing that there is someone better waiting out there. But of course people are not perfectly rational. Pheromones do their job very well. I myself am hardly immune to the pulls of attraction. In fact I consider myself to “fall in love” so easily with so many pretty girls I encounter who show me any attention, and even those who do not. I concede I am a timid recluse which does not help my case. I hardly have a game nor do I wish to learn it (though I learn from practice). Perhaps this has all culminated to my current state: 23, never had a girlfriend, never touched a girl meaningfully.
There is one girl I have liked above all others. But my circumstances and proximity near her will very soon draw to a close. We will move on to different things and I do not expect to see her much again. Quite honestly, from my (admittedly limited) experience, she was the best I’ve known. Before you pull out your tired old line, I did ask already and was turned down. That was a while back, and I’m thinking of giving it one more shot before (or perhaps after) we part.
Otherwise, how easy it is to move on depends on the quality of the fish in my next pond. Sadly, I won’t be able to see the ocean, but how I long to.
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