im gonna say a little bit about myself - Page 2

Hang in there Chris

My childhood wasn't as difficult as yours but I can commiserate otherwise.

Within a 4 year period:

My close friend/roommate was in a car wreck crushing the entire right hand side of his body and collapsing both of his lungs

Another close friend was diagnosed with an inoperable pituitary brain tumor. The tumor completely threw his hormones out of wack which made things extremely uncomfortable for me. He was border line co-dependent and emotionally abusive.

During that my sister was raped. I had to regularly fight the thought of hunting the guy down and murdering or at least maiming him. I knew I could find him, and I knew I would be prepared to make sure he never walked again, but I knew I would go to prison for at least 25 years which would have made my sister feel worse.

I managed to graduate college after switching majors. After a long stint in temp work (during which I saw the housing crisis foundations first hand a couple years before it happened) I finally landed a "reputable" job.

However my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. She had a spider bite that looked odd. She had it checked and on a whim they discovered the very early onset of the cancer.

I couldn't focus at work. The work place was somewhat cliquish to start. I am fairly certain the boss believed that I was flirting with his then girlfriend (co-worker). The entire situation was hell. I was fired within a month.

I moved back home to recoup. While there I took care of my father who had no clue how to function with my mom in the hospital. I spent the next 2.5 years between San Diego looking for a job and home taking care of my Dad. During one of the trips to San Diego my car literally blew up (fan belt failure and flames out the side of the front hood sending the radiator through the floor) after making a trip over the grape vine.

I refused to lie about the permanence of my living situation and so I was unable to find a full time job either at home or in San Diego.

After my mother died my Dad lost all cognitive ability. He left me alone to take care of his affairs while he traveled the country visiting my sisters. While doing so he instantly began visiting online dating sites which lead him to abusive relationship after abusive relationship.

One of my sisters went into a deep depression. My mother was her best friend.

In the meantime I was stuck in the house that belonged to my mother and father alone for 6 months. I had very little money as I tried my best not to be drain on my parents resources. I spent the month of December in a minivan from 3am to 7am and then from 2pm to 5pm in the cold, outside of gas refilling stations writing down numbers off the side of trucks for a cold-call marketing list. This was all so I could afford presents for my family at Christmas.

During this time my Dad started to rail into me about not having a job. I had a 2.5 year gap in employment and I had been fired from my previous position. My only recourse was a long series of temp jobs. While I did excellent work there was zero pressure on the companies to hire me. As a result I filled in 6 month assignment after 6 month assignment often times being shuffled back to the same work location on request.

I was given empty promises of positions multiple times only to have them come up dry. All the interviews I found outside of temp work were marketing schemes or for positions that paid less and demanded more hours.

It was actually during this time that I found Starcraft commentary and used it as a way to cope.

Some years later I am now employed with a fantastic job. I have an amazing wife and an amazing life.

I know we didn't talk long at the finals party you attended but my impression of you was on the whole positive. Whatever your father or other people said, you are definitely not a failure. You are someone who is highly capable and intelligent.

I can't guarantee that everything will be rainbows and unicorns on the other side of everything, but I can say things get better. I think you will find that once you get through this, the stupid petty things that everyone else freaks out over will seem really small to you. What is important, like really important, will be extremely clear and easy to grasp. Once you start to see those things again you will find that you can endure pretty much anything anyone can throw at you.

I know what it feels like to be completely unmotivated. Its like there is someone out there whose personal job is to orchestrate events to simply exhaust you. I still feel like that sometimes. But it gets better. In the future you will be able to look behind you at moments exactly like these and use it as strength to move forward.

If you ever need someone to talk to I am not that far away.