My name is Christopher. I’m 18 years old, 6’3” 216 lb, and I was born in Porterville, CA. I grew up in relative poverty. I never knew my father but I know of him. What I know is that he was a drug addict, that he was abusive, and that he loved me very much. Regardless, my mother feared his irresponsibility and we ran away from him. I was apparently kidnapped as an infant and there was a small ordeal surrounding this.
My mother and grandmother raised me. I was a gifted child, learning to read at the age of 2. Despite my “brilliant” mind, I had a lot of social difficulties. Due to the lack of a male role model, severe medical issues involving my kidneys during my young childhood, and hormonal/chemical abnormalities in my biology I was pretty maladjusted. I was very outgoing and active but to an extreme extent that made it very difficult to socialize with other children. I didn't make many friends.
These problems were mostly managed by Ritalin until my mother married my emotionally abusive stepfather. Throughout my childhood my stepfather convinced me I was worthless, retarded, and unloved. He called me a faggot and retard almost daily, telling me I'd never be normal, telling me I couldn't fit in. When I acted out, he beat me. I remember once I spazzed out in the car and he started slapping me over and over in the face. If I'd cry he'd hit me harder calling me a faggot and telling me crying was for girls. Once he followed me into my room and punched me over and over and I hid under the blankets then he bragged to my mother that he hurt his knuckles "punching that "little shit".
School was hard for me. I was years ahead of my peers in academic intelligence and years behind in social skills and maturity. I skipped a grade due to high test scoring. In my schooling career, shit happened that is almost too much to go into and I caught up to myself later on in high school. To keep things short I was expelled, homeschooled, then put in a program for the severely emotionally disturbed. I left special education in the 10th grade and became quite popular and gained a huge amount of confidence which fell apart when:
my best friend died of leukemia my relationship of 1.2 years fell apart on very bitter and hateful terms my friends mostly abandoned me after graduation i fell ill and had to drop out of college i became addicted to opiates
So now I’m here. I’m almost 19 and I live in the city of Oceanside. I’m a musician and I play drums/mallets with high proficiency, bass quite well, and guitar with extreme mediocrity. I enjoy writing, cooking, hiking, bicycling, reading, and horror films. I’m obsessed with history and I read mostly non-fiction history books, my dream is to be a professor of history at a top university in the US. Or a well paid performing artist.
I suffer from chronic depression and severe social anxiety. I struggle with suicidal thoughts that are quite serious and am debating seeking in-patient treatment. Despite the pain I bear I try my best not to take it out on others and I fail on occasion.
What scares me most is that i won’t really find it in myself to want to change. That for the most part, i’ve accepted my life as it is and have no will and no motivation to make friends or to find happiness
I've lost that self-determination that led me to better myself as a child and I'm worried I'll never get it back. I don't want to die at the moment, but I'm not too excited to be alive. I'm scared of what will happen during my next mood drop.
wow you are really opening your heart here. at least you didn't commit suicide you can only win by making new experiences. i don't know how you could achieve that though
Man, just go see your doctor. They can give you referrals to psychiatrists who can help you with the mental aspect of your conditions, and as required, can give you medications that will help alter the chemical imbalances that could be playing a part in your depression.
And if you have anyone close to you, share what you feel with them. Having a person to lean on during difficult times can make all the difference in the world.
Jesus.....no one should have the right to complain after reading this. :/
I cannot even describe how little I can sympathize because I can't imagine someone going through so many tragic experiences.
I really do hope that you find something/someone that will help you through this. I'm not the entire community, but for what you've done for it, I'm sure TL is rooting you and your wallpapers on! :D
Life will inevitably beat the shit out of you at times, and leave you not wanting to fight back. But you do. You CAN become a history professor if you work for it. You are interested and successful in the arts, which is something (myself included) many people admire. You have numerous interests which you can focus on instead of worrying about the problems in your life.
If I could suggest something, get the fuck out of your house. Your life isn't going to improve if you are surrounded by what drags you down. Your past is over; let it go. Focusing on the future will make you realize how valuable life is.
You've made it this long. That shows the mental, physical, and emotional strength that you have. That's something any person can admire. Don't let anyone tell you that's not something worth little- it shows you've got character.
If you've got anything you're passionate about (seems to me you do, but how do I know), just go with that. The rest will come naturally, I think. If drumming, cooking, reading and all those things make you happy, that's great. I think the biggest problem is you wanting social contact too much and therefore stressing out about it. I don't know anything about severe social anxiety though so please treat my ignorant adivce lightly. Would love to jam/write with an experienced drummer/bass player. Anyway, good luck to you and may you find what you want.
On June 06 2011 12:43 Chef wrote: Would just like you to know I read this in its entirety, for whatever that is worth.
as did I. helvetica, you're a really strong person. the skys the limit for you, you've already suceeded in getting this far and that shows how much you are worth (a hell of a lot).
You seem like you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit. Just keep reminding yourself that in your weakest moments. I like reading when you write like this. It's worrisome when you ignore punctuation and capitalization. I think it's a big reflection on your state of mind.
I hope things work out for you. Great minds are rare in the world.
A strong passion is definitely fuel for the soul. A lot of us are still looking for ours, and honestly I can't find complacency to be a bad thing. Not all of us need a super respectable profession or money to be happy.
I feel for you (for the most part, not going to claim I've been through nearly as much), stay strong buddy!
No matter what happens, remember that the TL community is always there for you! Though looking at your post count, I don't know why I'm the one telling you this.
On June 06 2011 12:39 sob3k wrote: What do you do for money?
Nothing, I don't have any.
Wait, do you live alone? I'm just wondering how you have money for necessities; i.e. food, water, and shelter >< That really was an emotional outpouring, and I'm sure that everyone here is with you.
Also, something I noticed: did the mods rename your blog to "The Happy Sunshine Blog", or did you sort of name it that sarcastically? D:
I've gone through similar things as you, though I prefer to not share my story.
You seem worried that you will never be able to get your life back on track, but you have to remember that you are barely 19 (as am I). I know it sounds cliche, but you've got a shitton of time to take a step back, chill the fuck out, and then start focusing on your dreams again. A lot of changes can take place too within few years, whether they be good or bad. I've even seen people who became successful after getting focused in their 30s and 40s. Life hasn't even started for you, and it won't until you decide to join the race. It's up to you to give yourself a chance to see what you can achieve in life.
I sincerely hope that you realize you don't throw away your life. A person might get a chance to live life for several decades, but he sure as hell will be dead until the end of time, so why not stick around for a bit?
On June 06 2011 12:39 sob3k wrote: What do you do for money?
Nothing, I don't have any.
Wait, do you live alone? I'm just wondering how you have money for necessities; i.e. food, water, and shelter >< That really was an emotional outpouring, and I'm sure that everyone here is with you.
Also, something I noticed: did the mods rename your blog to "The Happy Sunshine Blog", or did you sort of name it that sarcastically? D:
I live with my parents and my blog has been named that for quite a while by my own choosing.
That's a good read, you clearly have a knack for writing, I would recommend getting a job and moving out so you can live on your own for a while. I'm almost positive it'll have a good effect on your mental health. You can even potentially find somebody to split an apartment with via TL or craigslist.
On June 06 2011 12:39 sob3k wrote: What do you do for money?
Nothing, I don't have any.
Wait, do you live alone? I'm just wondering how you have money for necessities; i.e. food, water, and shelter >< That really was an emotional outpouring, and I'm sure that everyone here is with you.
Also, something I noticed: did the mods rename your blog to "The Happy Sunshine Blog", or did you sort of name it that sarcastically? D:
I live with my parents and my blog has been named that for quite a while by my own choosing.
Ah, okay. An amazing title nonetheless. It's amazing how much better you write (type?) when you're not on alcohol ;D no, really! Your life story is unbelievably sad, though...you probably do not want pity, and I can extend my sincere sympathy, but unfortunately perhaps not empathy, because I'm spoiled enough not to have gone through that...
As to where to go from here--for starters, I suppose you could focus, as best as you could, on the positive. My advice is probably worth its weight in used newspaper, but anytime you feel down, do not hesitate to talk to us!! If you do not think you have many friends in real life, then rest assured knowing that we'll always be your friends, and will not judge you! >\\\< I would think of something fun to do, but I'm a really boring person... D: I'll think of something.
I have to agree with the people here saying that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for; you've gone through so many incredible hardships and that very dark episode last week, and you've still come through to be stronger.
From the great write-ups you've done for TL and your other posts, it's easily shown that you definitely have the ability to succeed in whatever is your choosing, but you just really need a kick start to get your life back together (I know this is obvious, I just felt it needed to be said as well).
Perhaps getting a job at a local supermarket or something would give you more exposure to different social situations and help you feel more comfortable. It also goes without saying that having a job will help you get out of the house a lot more and you'll be earning a bit of money.
I realise how cheesy and fricken lame some inspirational quotes and such can be, but one that I remember that I think really applies to your situation is, "The second you think of giving up, think of the reason that you held on for so long until now".
Best of luck Christopher, I hope you can get out there and start succeeding at life again.
My childhood wasn't as difficult as yours but I can commiserate otherwise.
Within a 4 year period:
My close friend/roommate was in a car wreck crushing the entire right hand side of his body and collapsing both of his lungs
Another close friend was diagnosed with an inoperable pituitary brain tumor. The tumor completely threw his hormones out of wack which made things extremely uncomfortable for me. He was border line co-dependent and emotionally abusive.
During that my sister was raped. I had to regularly fight the thought of hunting the guy down and murdering or at least maiming him. I knew I could find him, and I knew I would be prepared to make sure he never walked again, but I knew I would go to prison for at least 25 years which would have made my sister feel worse.
I managed to graduate college after switching majors. After a long stint in temp work (during which I saw the housing crisis foundations first hand a couple years before it happened) I finally landed a "reputable" job.
However my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. She had a spider bite that looked odd. She had it checked and on a whim they discovered the very early onset of the cancer.
I couldn't focus at work. The work place was somewhat cliquish to start. I am fairly certain the boss believed that I was flirting with his then girlfriend (co-worker). The entire situation was hell. I was fired within a month.
I moved back home to recoup. While there I took care of my father who had no clue how to function with my mom in the hospital. I spent the next 2.5 years between San Diego looking for a job and home taking care of my Dad. During one of the trips to San Diego my car literally blew up (fan belt failure and flames out the side of the front hood sending the radiator through the floor) after making a trip over the grape vine.
I refused to lie about the permanence of my living situation and so I was unable to find a full time job either at home or in San Diego.
After my mother died my Dad lost all cognitive ability. He left me alone to take care of his affairs while he traveled the country visiting my sisters. While doing so he instantly began visiting online dating sites which lead him to abusive relationship after abusive relationship.
One of my sisters went into a deep depression. My mother was her best friend.
In the meantime I was stuck in the house that belonged to my mother and father alone for 6 months. I had very little money as I tried my best not to be drain on my parents resources. I spent the month of December in a minivan from 3am to 7am and then from 2pm to 5pm in the cold, outside of gas refilling stations writing down numbers off the side of trucks for a cold-call marketing list. This was all so I could afford presents for my family at Christmas.
During this time my Dad started to rail into me about not having a job. I had a 2.5 year gap in employment and I had been fired from my previous position. My only recourse was a long series of temp jobs. While I did excellent work there was zero pressure on the companies to hire me. As a result I filled in 6 month assignment after 6 month assignment often times being shuffled back to the same work location on request.
I was given empty promises of positions multiple times only to have them come up dry. All the interviews I found outside of temp work were marketing schemes or for positions that paid less and demanded more hours.
It was actually during this time that I found Starcraft commentary and used it as a way to cope.
Some years later I am now employed with a fantastic job. I have an amazing wife and an amazing life.
I know we didn't talk long at the finals party you attended but my impression of you was on the whole positive. Whatever your father or other people said, you are definitely not a failure. You are someone who is highly capable and intelligent.
I can't guarantee that everything will be rainbows and unicorns on the other side of everything, but I can say things get better. I think you will find that once you get through this, the stupid petty things that everyone else freaks out over will seem really small to you. What is important, like really important, will be extremely clear and easy to grasp. Once you start to see those things again you will find that you can endure pretty much anything anyone can throw at you.
I know what it feels like to be completely unmotivated. Its like there is someone out there whose personal job is to orchestrate events to simply exhaust you. I still feel like that sometimes. But it gets better. In the future you will be able to look behind you at moments exactly like these and use it as strength to move forward.
If you ever need someone to talk to I am not that far away.
On June 07 2011 07:40 Atom Cannister wrote: Myself and SirJolt like you! We talk about our concern for you in real life.
You don't even know us but we still care.
Things will look up. Think about what adventures your future could have.
Also, look into therapy, that helped me in the past.
This is all true, and I hadn't known he had posted it, so as I read this topic I was thinking of a post with a similar shape to this.
I also agree with whoever said "passion is fuel for the soul."
If you're passionate about history, I would very much advise just writing a history of something. As a student of a social science, I found that my interests really kicked off when I had left college, I was able to investigate and read around subjects that interested me at my leisure.
I guess all I'm trying to say is, "I appreciate your output here."
Edit: A lovely old musician I know once told me, "A decent drummer will never go hungry," so there's always hope there
Now I realize that my problems are nothing compared to yours, makes me have a much more appreciative view of the world. For determination, you really, really have to find something to latch onto. You say you want to be a World History Professor @ a top uni/college, or a well paid performing musician, and while you may have a knack for those, it doesn't seem as if those are motivators--you need something that you can devote all of your time to. I know it may seem like you're old, too old to dream, but you have to find something you absolutely love, then you'll be successful at it. I know this post probably won't help so I really recommend seeing your doctor ASAP. Dr. Helvetica FIGHTING <3
EDIT: Feel free to contact anyone on TL---we're here for you Admins, anyone in this thread, etc.
My childhood wasn't as difficult as yours but I can commiserate otherwise.
Within a 4 year period:
My close friend/roommate was in a car wreck crushing the entire right hand side of his body and collapsing both of his lungs
Another close friend was diagnosed with an inoperable pituitary brain tumor. The tumor completely threw his hormones out of wack which made things extremely uncomfortable for me. He was border line co-dependent and emotionally abusive.
During that my sister was raped. I had to regularly fight the thought of hunting the guy down and murdering or at least maiming him. I knew I could find him, and I knew I would be prepared to make sure he never walked again, but I knew I would go to prison for at least 25 years which would have made my sister feel worse.
I managed to graduate college after switching majors. After a long stint in temp work (during which I saw the housing crisis foundations first hand a couple years before it happened) I finally landed a "reputable" job.
However my mother was diagnosed with leukemia. She had a spider bite that looked odd. She had it checked and on a whim they discovered the very early onset of the cancer.
I couldn't focus at work. The work place was somewhat cliquish to start. I am fairly certain the boss believed that I was flirting with his then girlfriend (co-worker). The entire situation was hell. I was fired within a month.
I moved back home to recoup. While there I took care of my father who had no clue how to function with my mom in the hospital. I spent the next 2.5 years between San Diego looking for a job and home taking care of my Dad. During one of the trips to San Diego my car literally blew up (fan belt failure and flames out the side of the front hood sending the radiator through the floor) after making a trip over the grape vine.
I refused to lie about the permanence of my living situation and so I was unable to find a full time job either at home or in San Diego.
After my mother died my Dad lost all cognitive ability. He left me alone to take care of his affairs while he traveled the country visiting my sisters. While doing so he instantly began visiting online dating sites which lead him to abusive relationship after abusive relationship.
One of my sisters went into a deep depression. My mother was her best friend.
In the meantime I was stuck in the house that belonged to my mother and father alone for 6 months. I had very little money as I tried my best not to be drain on my parents resources. I spent the month of December in a minivan from 3am to 7am and then from 2pm to 5pm in the cold, outside of gas refilling stations writing down numbers off the side of trucks for a cold-call marketing list. This was all so I could afford presents for my family at Christmas.
During this time my Dad started to rail into me about not having a job. I had a 2.5 year gap in employment and I had been fired from my previous position. My only recourse was a long series of temp jobs. While I did excellent work there was zero pressure on the companies to hire me. As a result I filled in 6 month assignment after 6 month assignment often times being shuffled back to the same work location on request.
I was given empty promises of positions multiple times only to have them come up dry. All the interviews I found outside of temp work were marketing schemes or for positions that paid less and demanded more hours.
It was actually during this time that I found Starcraft commentary and used it as a way to cope.
Some years later I am now employed with a fantastic job. I have an amazing wife and an amazing life.
I know we didn't talk long at the finals party you attended but my impression of you was on the whole positive. Whatever your father or other people said, you are definitely not a failure. You are someone who is highly capable and intelligent.
I can't guarantee that everything will be rainbows and unicorns on the other side of everything, but I can say things get better. I think you will find that once you get through this, the stupid petty things that everyone else freaks out over will seem really small to you. What is important, like really important, will be extremely clear and easy to grasp. Once you start to see those things again you will find that you can endure pretty much anything anyone can throw at you.
I know what it feels like to be completely unmotivated. Its like there is someone out there whose personal job is to orchestrate events to simply exhaust you. I still feel like that sometimes. But it gets better. In the future you will be able to look behind you at moments exactly like these and use it as strength to move forward.
If you ever need someone to talk to I am not that far away.
Wow...I don't know what I just read but it felt like a film-script. I'm not sure what to say other than you sir, are an inspiration.
Chris, as many have said, you have survived this long, you are stronger than you think. Life has been cruel to you but that doesn't mean that life is always cruel.
You know you have specific difficulties and I guess getting help with those is the most important thing. I like the idea of hanging out with some of the TL guys. It might help you with the social awkwardness, I mean who on TL doesn't understand what it is like to feel uncomfortable around people, or different.
Good luck man, and remember TL is global. There is always someone here.
On June 07 2011 13:56 darkness wrote: Find a gf, half of your problems connected with emotions will be solved.
ive had my fair share of relationships lol didn't help one bit
i don't like to talk about my relationships in public since i feel like its also violating someone elses privacy and it's not my place to talk about what i went through with some of those girls since some of it is really personal
1) Go to the doctor. 2) Get a job, doesn't matter if it's a lame temp job. What is important is that it gives you something to do any maybe meet new people. Plus you'll be away from home. 3) Probably try to get some money from the job and move out to some cheap place where you can have a more peaceful time and then go on from there.
If you need help or motivation for any of those steps, just blog about it.
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
are u really trying to diagnose me with autism over teamliquid
I like you Christopher. You seem honest and straight forward and I can see a lot of myself in your story. That's why I know that no matter what I say will help you out. I will however ask you to hang in there, because once you've hit the rock bottom there's only one way to go and that's up.
You will find yourself eventually, It will take time but you will. I'm hoping that someday I will too.
Oh and, if you want to talk sometime when you feel bad, hook me up. We don't know eachother and we don't have to get to know eachother, we don't need to be friends. But sometimes it's good to have someone to talk to.
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
are u really trying to diagnose me with autism over teamliquid
It's worth checking out dude, if you're not looking for help/advice here, then what are you doing?
hey man, for what it's worth, i just want to say that i read everything you said and i feel deeply about your situation. i don't really have any medical advice to give, but if theres one thing i would like to say it's that life isn't worth throwing away, for anything. stay strong dude.
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
are u really trying to diagnose me with autism over teamliquid
It's worth checking out dude, if you're not looking for help/advice here, then what are you doing?
lol i've been in an out of intense psychiatric treatment and testing since i was 6 years old i think autism would have been caught
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
are u really trying to diagnose me with autism over teamliquid
It's worth checking out dude, if you're not looking for help/advice here, then what are you doing?
lol i've been in an out of intense psychiatric treatment and testing since i was 6 years old i think autism would have been caught
Just curious, but is that sort of thing covered my health insurance? Sounds really expensive.
Wow, I didn't quite know the extent of how hard you've had it.
Thanks for sharing DoctorH.
I think the first step that you can take besides going to the doctor is to stay away from home.
Are you a student in college right now? If so, consider living at dorms or something. Otherwise, find a job and find a place to live by yourself. It might do you some good to stay away from your parents.
Helvetica, I don't think I've ever really spoken to you online or otherwise, but to me you've always come off as a tasteful, intelligent guy. While you worry about all the crap that's going on in your life(which I am in no way trying to minimalize, it really is shitty) remember there are people you don't even know who like you.
Well no wonder you were thinking about suicide. A lot of people have those thoughts right around your age, its like the sweet spot of suicides lol. I've been there too man. Still getting out of it. But yeah things will brighten up as long as you stay alive. The world is only going to throw even worse shit in your face but if you're man enough you might survive this modern form of social natural selection like I have. Otherwise just kill yourself and join the losers club (pretty big club, not as big as the winners club though), but you're a smart guy- I know you're much better than that.
You got so many years ahead of you. Going from high school to college for smart anti social people can be one of the most depressing moments in their lives depending on what they do with their time. Just hang on, things will get better. It's like that saying, what doesn't kill can only make you stronger haha.
On June 07 2011 21:04 DoctorHelvetica wrote: I have severe approach anxiety issues, otherwise I can socialize fairly normally. I'm definitely not autistic lol
That is exactly what a high functioning autistic person might say. (gf is saying this - shes an applied behavior analyst)
are u really trying to diagnose me with autism over teamliquid
It's worth checking out dude, if you're not looking for help/advice here, then what are you doing?
lol i've been in an out of intense psychiatric treatment and testing since i was 6 years old i think autism would have been caught
Just curious, but is that sort of thing covered my health insurance? Sounds really expensive.
Wow that's quite the story. I don't know what to say... just keep on hanging in there. I hope that you find some happiness in the responses on this blog and of course in your hobbies.
Your stepdad is a brat. I have my own opinion on abusive people like this,but I will keep it for myself,it is really not OK not behave like that. I feel we're kind of similar,but different at once Chris. I think I stopped loving people at age of 12. I am flushed out of emotions. I am just a shadow of a person.Things which caused that aren't as bad as Your's,I wonder how I'd behave if I were You. Probably would try to kill myself(I was thinking about it many times) I'd try to run away from home (left home and threatened my parents couple of times,mostly my "leaves" were just 15 minutes out of home after some argument my parents/I had) My dad likes to drink too much alcohol(not like hardcore though). I dislike it,but he doesn't give a damn mostly. Both my parents smoke. My mother swore to me when I was like 11 that if price of cigarettes will raise from 5zł to 10zł she'll stop it. Never did,they cost around 11zł now. She always had excuses that she can't,she feels bad after not smoking,she didn't ever go to doctor. I don't love my parents to be honest. I don't love anybody. I declare myself as pure Christian(aka,why would Vatican control what I am going to believe)or an atheist. This is a big hit to my parents(grandparents don't rather know about it,same to other parts of family) I feel like an outcast in the middle of people: I am talkative,"sociable",friendly etc. But that's because I like to help people. That's what I believe. Help people,be happy. I dislike getting gifts of any sort. I dislike being someone's problem. I want to get unnoticed. I don't want to be close with people. I fear them and I push them out of my life. I become aggressive,uncaring and unhelpful. I am afraid of not being accepted or letting them down. I don't want to be subject of someone's tears. I thought about many things and come to a conclusion what's point of my life. I want to die. But I don't want to hang myself,I don't want to die in car accident. I want to die for something. I want to die with honour,as my ancestors would. My sacrifice is going to be one amongst thousands,maybe even millions,but will make me happy. Defending attacked woman then dying,as far I help her at least little bit will make me happy for eternity. The thing is,I am still quite young and this can be counted as "childhood's error". When You're 16(my age,talking about myself) You haven't achieved anything,only made mistakes and learnt from them(most cases of thinking people). The road to adulthood is hard and full of mistakes,I don't even think I am halfway through it. My knowledge is not MY knowledge,it is someone's knowledge. I ask,I hear,I learn. I sit at home in front of computer,learn a bit and grab good grades in school. I don't have any passion. I am not good at anything(maybe doing crazy things noone would,because they're only rumoured to be crazy). tl;dr / can't understand You,Kurumi DrH,You're awesome. I feel at least a bit like You. "The people who are looking at the past and the present,are certain to miss the future" - It went like that,didn't it? I need to move on. I think You just started doing it.
This is crazy man, hang in there. Everyone has tough situations in their life, but giving up is never an option. Keep your head in the game no matter what, things will work out, they always do.
Dude, is there anyway that you can make a song right now while you're pretty sad? I mean you're a musician and usually people who are emotionally high or low has the best creative shit around.. just saying, it's possible you might look at this day or the day you tried suicide and tell yourself.. "Wow, that was me back then.."
Anyway, good luck with life man.. never give up never give in..
1. I'm just making a few comments on what I've heard you describe. I don't know if these comments will help you. + Show Spoiler +
On June 06 2011 12:30 DoctorHelvetica wrote: My mother and grandmother raised me. I was a gifted child, learning to read at the age of 2. Despite my “brilliant” mind, I had a lot of social difficulties.
No doubt you are above average in terms of intelligence, however after the elementary years, there are students who start to really bloom, and who will catch up to you (at least offsetting their natural talent for work habits). Holding yourself to too high a standard, and wanting to still be significantly better than all your peers, might actually make you feel worse about yourself at times when your "dumber peers' do better in life.
my best friend died of leukemia
Oh... wow...
i became addicted to opiates
Firstly you need to get off this addiction. Being addicted to anything is like the worst possible feeling in the world, because you don't have control over yourself, and without control you can't improve your life for the better.
I can't say that I understand anything about opiate addictions besides what I've read. All I can say though, is that you need help from another individual. If it were possible to quit alone, you would have done it already.
Despite the pain I bear I try my best not to take it out on others and I fail on occasion.
This is an excuse that I use for "I don't want to seem bad in front of others." I care a lot about my self image. Do you? If you do, you have to realize that you are probably hurting the people near you by being in this state. If people want to help you, and you don't let them, then those people suffer by having to watch you suffer. Eventually they realize that the way to not suffer is to leave you.
There is no doubt you've had a hard life. I have to echo the sentiment that you should see a doctor. If it ever feels like I am just passing the responsibility of caring for you onto someone else, just pm.
Please keep us updated on what you are doing. Are you applying for jobs today?(You need one to move out. Life gets so much better when you do) How are you feeling today? Did you see a psychiatrist? Did they help? We want to know.
Lastly, if you are feeling unmotivated, then work in microbursts. For a set period of time (25 minutes, use a timer) or for a small enough task (apply to X job) you do not get distracted doing anything else. This is something I'm trying, I think it will help me be less easily distracted, and will allow me to motivate myself to start on things by having clear goals. Maybe it will work for you.
In regards to feeling better emotionally, do you exercise/get a lot of sleep? I find that I get pretty depressed when I neglect both aspects of my life >< Don't really have any other advice though.
Read "As a Man Thinketh" and "Unlimited Power", as well as "Man's Search for Meaning". Those three books have shaped my mindset through all of the hardships of life.
*hugs DrH* I felt your pain. You can't think or tell yourself (based on a possible bad impression you got on me) I didn't because I did. At times, I felt it much bigger, at times I felt it less... Depending on the sentence you wrote (and how your experience would compare to mine). However, at some point, I cheered up and actually was like: "YES SIR!"
You're much better than what your stepfather says, remember that, please! I'll quote something that is proof of this (and I mean f***ing solid).
Hey, TL is made of people who can become your best friends, please don't forget that. I don't care if it's online (aka they aren't right there at your side when life gives you the bitterest lemons) but for those of us who are here for you, we're all here. I think you pretty much read it through some replies.
You don't need to be perfect. You need to be yourself. What is "yourself"? You seem pretty aware of some aspects of it. So here's what I'd think of DrH right now, at this moment. Taking your own quote.
DoctorHelvetica said:
So now I’m here. I’m almost 19 and I live in the city of Oceanside. I’m a musician and I play drums/mallets with high proficiency, bass quite well, and guitar with extreme mediocrity. I enjoy writing, cooking, hiking, bicycling, reading, and horror films. I’m obsessed with history and I read mostly non-fiction history books, my dream is to be a professor of history at a top university in the US. Or a well paid performing artist.
How about defining a "Daily Checklist" like this? It's just a suggestion you could scrap altogether
[ ] I played (or worked to get better at) one of these instruments today: drums/mallets, bass & guitar [ ] I might share my enjoyment of writing, cooking, hiking, bicycling, reading and horror films or seek people who enjoy them (a club of sorts?) [ ] I have read a passage from a non-fiction history book [ ] I am working to become a professor of history ("at a top US university" being an accolade) or [ ] I am working to become a paid performing artist ("well / very well paid" being an accolade)
(check the O when done working daily towards something like that)
You can do it. You seem well-equipped. You seem to have some very decent cognitive abilities and a knack for music and, accessorily, I read some of your blogs and I'm like: "Damnit if only he could make a blog and live off of it ._. - like, get revenue from blogging"
Hey man, glad to hear from you! Quite a life story you got there, too. Chronic depression sounds terrible and I hope you can find a way to end it. I guess the treatment you've mentioned should help you with that and if you ask me it would be good to give it a try. Lots of people love you here on TL and we want you out there writing awesome articles, studying history and drumming your music.
What scares me most is that i won’t really find it in myself to want to change.
You fear the unknown, specifically you fear your ability to know how to raise your self-steem. It sounds like unknown because you need more practice.
That for the most part, i’ve accepted my life as it is and have no will and no motivation to make friends or to find happiness
Will comes from motivation. Motivation comes from love, wich doesnt look like you have found that much ppl who really loved you.
It also looks like you have already resigned, but yet you are here sharing your story with the TL community, trying to find that love you need. That means that you didnt really resigned yet.
You can see two things in this metaphore: 1) Artax gave up, and sadness consumed him. 2) Atreyu kept trying enough to even try to help Artax.
Give up and you will fall. Never give up and you will end up seing yourself overcoming anything that life/bad-luck throws at you without falling down.
To give up you dont need anything. Keep being sad, thats all you would need. To never give up you will need a reason. Love is always that reason for everyone. Do your best and someday someone will love you.
I like this TED talk really much: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html It talks about love, about vulnerability, about to explain everything, about shame... it is really nice to actually learn logically how to love and why you could be loved. I hope you like it.
Find someone who love and who loves you. Im talking about real love, about pasion, about friendship in a way that you would never be able to say goodbye to that person, to live your hole life with that person by your side no matter what.
Best wishes for you, it looks like its about time that life throw some luck on you. So, best luck in anything you do in your life.
Luck will arrive someday, you need to be there and ready to recieve it or you will miss it.
seems to me that you should go to college, and play music while studying history. You don't need to be very sociable for much of this but of course that is something you can work on (if you want to) while you study history, play music, produce an album, and write a kickass thesis.
burying yourself in books/music practice etc is a good and productive way to spend your time and forget about whatever other troubles you might have.
yea sure college debt sucks but it's basically the only option if you don't want to have a shit life, in the long term I'm almost certain it's a good idea. even if you don't end up being a history professor, supposing you write good stuff in undergrad you can get recommendations from people (professors) who know your writing to land good jobs
maybe I'm talking too much in the future but I hope maybe that thinking 5-10 years down the line might help you get more perspective?
EPT
